This will be my last blog, because I rarely if ever use this for anything anymore, so thanks for reading if you do.

From now on, (if you are interested) I will be on Facebook, and I also have set up a blogger account.

http://www.interruptedmonologue.blogspot.com

Thanks for all the advice and stuff that you have written, and yeah. Thats about it.

Bye!

Right, so an awful lot has happened since the last time I posted. I turned 16, went for an interview at possibly the best school ever, and of course, exams are in about a month.

Firstly, turning 16 was an extremely strange experience. In all the days leading up to my birthday, I really didn't care. It literally felt as if nothing was changing, and to be honest, I was really disappointed. On my birthday however, I had the best day I could have wished for because, well I did nothing. No stress, no getting dressed up for anything until 7 pm, (when I went to Caroline and Michaella's birthday party) it was brilliant. Even when I did go to the party, I had no anxieties; no worries about what anyone would think of me. It was such a lovely feeling, and it is a feeling I would like to carry forward into everyday life.

Unfortunately, turning 16 raised a few internal issues for me, the chief of which was the whole..sex thing. Now I know that the general consensus is to "do it when you are ready" and when you find the "right" person, but once you're legal, I have to say, there is a lot of pressure. A whole lot. It's quite scary. Like, before, you hear about everyone doing it and it's like, yeah, I'm not 16, so it doesn't matter. But as soon as you turn 16, you're like, fuck, I really need to get it out of the way. It's a horrible feeling, cause you feel like you're not really an adult, but you don't want to just throw your virginity away to some random person. However, waiting around for the right person could take forever. So...dilemma. What do I do?

How frustrating is it to be saying everything and nothing at the same time? It's like you take a step, and then break your leg. Seriously, it's so frustrating. You're like, screaming from the top of your lungs: "Listen to me! Fucking understand me! Love me!" and all the while you're just silent. Silence.

It's a stupid thing isn't it? Like, we wander round wondering about it all, and to be honest, if we just were open, life would be a million times easier. If we felt we could open up to others without being hurt then the same would be true, but we can't.

Aren't you just sick to death of being so pathetic? So feeble you can't break out of your own fears and embrace everything? Isn't it a shame that the thing you want most is so close, yet you're too scared to try to reach for it?

I hate you.



----------------
Now playing: Glassjaw - Everything You Ever Wanted to Know About Silence
via FoxyTunes   

Have you ever had a dream where you wanted to be the person inside that dream, rather than yourself? As in, that person is you, but it's someone else at the same time. I have that. Every day. It makes me feel so inadequate, so useless that I can barely function. I walk around from day to day, doing what I'm supposed to do rather than what I want to do, with everything. I play the roles I'm supposed to play, I dress the way I'm supposed to dress... I have become my own stereotype.

My dream self has all of these desires, but he chases them, whether he succeeds or fails, because he knows that that is the only way to get what he really wants. He stands up for himself, and what he believes in. He is brave. I am a coward. I see something I desperately want, yet I pussy out because of the risks involved. I let my self esteem get trampled into the dust by pretty much 90% of the people I hang out with, or am friends with, or I'm related to. For what...the title of "nice guy"?

Nice guys don't get the girl. Nice guys aren't the ones people admire for their strength, or their talents or for their actions. No...they get a pat on the back and a "that was a nice thing to do" or a "you're such a good friend...you really deserve someone". That's not exactly what I'm going for. I'm sick of the fucking pat on the back. I'm sick of being this guy...who lives in his head rather than lives in the world. I want to be the guy who chases the sun over the horizon; because that's his destiny.  This half term, I have spent 95% of the time writing songs and moping around, because of one stupid fucking day when I didn't take a risk. How pathetic is that?

In essence, I'm saying that none of you should be like me.
Live your life...chase the sun. We haven't got all that long to do it.

The most beautiful lyrics I have ever read:

Well on a cold Tuesday morning, I was walking into town,

Had my headphones blaring, didn’t notice what was around,

I crossed the road, a car swerved and nearly ran me down,

Looked in the driver’s seat, I swear to God it was Doc Brown,

He said “Are you Michael J Fox?” I said “No I’m Jonny Fox”,

He said “Close enough, get inside,

I’m taking you with me to see another time,

A place you could only have dreamed in your mind,

An alternative reality situated just outside of Clapham,

So strap yourself in,

Cos where we’re going you don’t need roads,

To get to where punk never happened”



We landed in a concrete desert, rubble as far as the eye could see,

I says to Doc “Where we goin’?”

Doc says he’s following me,

We found the only building in the city that was left standing,

It was my local venue,

I know cos I recognised the landing,

And there’s a gig on tonight! This town ain’t so bad,

I got everything I need, right here in this pad,

So I pulled out a bottle and took a heroic swig,

Made myself comfortable and got ready for the gig,



Well an hour after doors and there was still no-one there,

The soundman was on acid, the fucking long hair,

The bands never showed cos they didn’t see the point,

When all the kids are at home still smoking a joint,

They won’t go out and do nothing, not on your nelly,

They’re just watching the telly and then feeding their belly,

Their parents listen to The Beatles, while they listen to Nirvana,

Cos Green Day and The Pistols, well they never heard either,



They got long sleeve T-shirts and they never shower,

They still believe in flower power,

The hippy dream’s faded but they got nothing new,

So they wear flares and slippers and burn incense sticks too,

The kids would rather skate than go out and smash the state,

While their parents sit still and meditate,

Action’s at a low when people just don’t care,

They zoned out to their surroundings, the anger’s not there,



And I’m stuck in this hippy, grunge reality,

Where the buildings are crumbling down from apathy,

They grab you at school when you’ve just turned 13,

And show you your brand new, life long routine,

You can sleep and work, and work and sleep,

So you can save up the money to buy a new jeep,

So you can sleep and work, and work and sleep,

Then sleep. Then work. Then work. Then sleep.



I pulled a fanzine out my back pocket, held it in my hands,

And watched the colours slowly fade away,

The words bled right off of the pages til it had nothing left to say,

I banged on the jukebox but it was useless,

It had no good records on,

Not even something weak like ‘The Best Punk Album In The World Ever Volume 1’,

Outside the windows, I saw the excavators coming to tear the place down,

No-one stopped them, for there is no community left in this town,

There’s no-one around to fight Margaret Thatcher,

The power of the flower just couldn’t match her,



Too strong was the will of Parliament to cause damage,

That with no punk rock everything went unchallenged,

Land got knocked down to build more land,

That got knocked down again for a couple more grand,

With no punk the protests were full of throwbacks calling each other comrade,

Of course the young folks’ attendance started to fade,

So it was easy for the police to move in, they were trusted,

And that’s when the whole damn town got busted,



They moved CCTV cameras in everywhere,

But the people were too apathetic to care,

They made them carry ID cards to state where they’re from,

As if by being born they had done something wrong,

They shipped all the poor folk to live out in the edges,

So the rich folk could move in and peer over their hedges,

“But before you leave, you’d better build our homes,

There, we’ve done you a favour, now you’re on your own,

This ain’t your home no more, go find somewhere new,

I know you ain’t got the money, cos it’s me who employs you,

I know everything about you, what you eat, how you dress,

Your hobbies, your turn-ons, your email address,

While I had you working in the dark, you didn’t realise,

That I completely stopped your ability to organise,

I didn’t let you have a reason to communicate,

I banned punk rock knowing you hippies would seal your own fate,

I controlled everything you wrote, everything you created,

I distracted you with advertisements so you forgot what you hated,

I fed your dark side, kept you consuming and competing,

And like a dog that doesn’t know when to stop eating,

You took it all, oh and long was it my intention,

You could have beat me if punk rock was your invention”,

Instead the city will be sold to the highest bids,

If only Sham 69 had of united the kids,



If only the 4 Skins had told us ACAB,

If only The Ramones had let us know we were a happy family,

If only The Buzzcocks had shown us how to do it ourself,

If only Crass had shown us there are things more important than wealth,

If only The Vandals had shown us it was OK to smile,

If only The Dead Kennedys had helped us put our government on trial,

If only Rancid had played live, and brought with them that vibe,

If we had Sick Of It All and Madball we could put them all on the frontline,



If we had GG Allin we’d have learned it’s OK to be hated,

If we’d have had The Refused then we could have innovated,

If we’d had Poison Idea then they couldn’t push us over,

If we’d had Minor Threat then we could have done it sober,

If we’d have had Against Me we could have done it all unplugged,

If we’d had Operation Ivy we could have done it then fucked off,

If we had The Blitz, The Clash, Disorder, Propagandhi,

The Exploited, NOFX and anyone that’s handy,



There’s a lesson to be learned, one that I will take home,

When I return to my normal reality zone,

Punk rock has the power to change the world,

It lies in every single punk rock boy and girl,

So don’t let anyone tell you you’re not worth the earth,

These streets are your streets, this turf is your turf,

Don’t let anyone tell you that you’ve got to give in,

Cos you can make a difference, you can change everything,

Just let your dreams be your pilot, your imagination your fuel,

Tear up the book and write your own damn rules,

Use all that heart, hope and soul that you’ve got,

And the love and the rage that you feel in your gut,

And realise that the other world that you’re always looking for,

Lies right here in front of us, just outside this door,

And it’s up to you to go out there and paint the canvas,

After all, you were put on the earth to do this,

So shine your light so bright that all can see,

Take pride in being whoever the fuck you want to be,

Throw your fist in the air in solidarity,

And shout “Viva la punk, just one life, anarchy”.
..

The trees of our youth bear no innocence; no fruits
Of our labours, no seeds of truth,
Just an everlasting shadow of discontent,
Darkening what was once light...what was once beautiful.

We cannot dare to dream for fear of failure, so we concede
To live in mediocrity, in “safety.”
Tell me, what is really safe? What is the point
In having a brain, a heart... a soul
If we cannot use them to be who we are destined to be?

Cracking like the rocks underneath the sea, melting
Like a glacier..
Like a vulture searching this desert, searching for something exciting
Something visceral and passionate; slowly but surely fading away
Into the beyond.

We are the future, the beacon of apathy, the rallying cry of disenchantment.
Who will break out?
Who will discover what it truly means to be young and powerful?
Who will be the first to let the wind in our hair, to let love in our hearts?

Who will answer the calls of our fore fathers? The ones who dared to dream
For us to have these freedoms, these beautiful freedoms
That leave us with all the options but none of the wisdom to appreciate
The fact that it is up to us.

We are the future, whether we choose to believe it or not.

"I wrote a little song for you
with a melody I'd borrowed put to words that didn't rhyme
to repeat what you already knew
as the stones thrown at your window tapped a syncopated time
you kept a distance out of fear you'd break
but what good's a single windchime, hanging quiet all alone?
the music our collisions would make
is a sound that turns the road that leads us back home"


This quote kinda sums me up at the moment. I keep a distance from everyone for exactly that reason. I feel so hollow that there is no point searching for a connection in anyone because I can't really take it. So I keep things superficial, at least in terms of what I'm feeling. So I'm sorry if I've been a little distant, but welcome to the new me.

Anyway, I wish you all well.
Goodnight.

Okay, so I haven't blogged for a while, and for that I am really sorry, I've been in America and stuff.

Anyway, the theme of this blog is of course, the New Year. As with every other year, it leads one to contemplate all the things they have done over the past year, and what they are going to change in the next. I am no different. All the fakes, mistakes and heartbreaks over the past year have been running through my head as of late, and it makes me sad to think of the sheer number of them. So that is one thing I will definitely change next year.

Also, as many of you may know, I don't like myself. I know it sounds like such an "emo" thing to say, and a stupid one too, but seriously, when I reflect upon my previous actions, all I can think is PRICK. The way I approach life, the way I interact with people, even my appearance is something I have never been comfortable with. However, recently, I have realised that that same hatred of myself is the thing that makes me act the way I do, so it is a vicious cycle. That is reason I am so internally weak, and the reason I tend to let every single person affect my whole being. I won't let that happen anymore. No way. No-one will be allowed to change who I am, and no-one will be allowed to walk all over my spirit. It's crushed enough.

I will also try to be more caring towards my friends, and more genuine. But, if you cross me one too many times next year, that's it. No big fuss, no big argument, you are just out of my life. I won't hate you, or like you, you will just be you, and I will just be me, and that will be it.

I am talking way too much about myself. What are your New Year's resolutions?

Comment me or message me...whatever.

Love you all, and have a very happy and prosperous New Year.

What is it with people and heartbreak? We go searching for it, when we know what is in store for us at the end, and you try and try and wish it away when really we caused it in the first place. It's just a stupid merry-go-round that we all seek, maybe for attention or pity, or maybe because we're so fucking messed up that we intentionally seek hurt in order to be validated?

It's all a fuck up. All of it. All of the stupid lovey dovey shit, all of the kisses and hugs and whatnot. Everyone ends up hurt in the end, whether it's before a relationship or after. It could be due to "mixed signals" (always an excuse for leading us on), or something else. And then we get filled with all of this spite and hate and bitterness towards everyone else, and it takes so long to get out of that fucking rut only for us to fall right back in months after, and the cycle continues.

We stand by these people, listen to them complain and moan, be that shoulder to cry on throughout everything, and you get so close to them, and they wonder why we have feelings for them? When you share your deepest emotions with someone, it's hard NOT to fall in love with them. So what predicament are we left in?
We're alone, and sad, and bitter. The best way to be just before Christmas.

Teenage heartbreak. What a fucking joke.