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Sarah Massey


Last Updated: 1/5/2010

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Gender: Female
Status: Single
Age: 20
Sign: Leo

City: 4OH5
State: Oklahoma
Country: US
Signup Date: 5/25/2006

Blog Archive
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November 17, 2009 - Tuesday 

Category: Life
So never in a zillion years did I see myself becoming this person. Confused. Lost. Alone. I always saw myself as a good person. Now...I am not so sure anymore. No matter how much I try to redeem myself. I still feel those skeletons in my closet. Its a horrible feeling.
I miss my best friend. I miss having a life. I just recently got back everything from my previous mistake. My car. My phone. My laptop. I just feel like I need to delete the ones from my life that tempt me more than help me. But how can I, when I care for them so deeply? I am so afraid. Of what? I don't really know anymore. I can't lose the ones I love most in this world. They mean more to me than anyone knows. Without them, my life has no meaning. So in a way I guess I am saying I am afraid of being alone due to all my my dumb decisons. People think...then don't be a dumbass. Its easier said than done. Though...it honestly really shouldn't be.
I think a part of me feeling this way is because I see my friends struggling with past relationships. He wants her. She doesn't want him. Or...she wants him and he doesn't want her. Its horrible to feel that sort of rejection. But its worse when you feel it and you see that your friends are feeling it as well.

It is said "To help others,you must first help yourself." So does that make me a hypocrit? I dish out advice, but I can't follow it when I know what I am telling to others I do not apply to myself... even though I know I should. I shouldn't talk down or judge others...when I am doing or have done the same things...if not worse.
I believe I am a good person. I just sometimes travel off the path of righteousness. I hope this feeling subsides and that I am forgiven for all of my sins. I know that in order to be forgiven I have to forgive myself.

Perhaps that is the greatest challenge of them all.
9:28 PM 
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October 9, 2009 - Friday 

Current mood:  okay
Category: Life
 this song reminds me so much of how I actually feel. Those of you who know the story would probably agree.





9:13 PM 
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September 25, 2009 - Friday 

Current mood:  accomplished
Category: Life
So. The past 5 months have been...different for me. I changed a lot for someone whom I NEVER should have bothered to change for. I fell hard for him and all he wanted was one thing. I led him to believe I only wanted that one thing as well. He bought into it. Truth be told..every time we were together I fell harder and harder for him. I did a lot I wasn't proud of in order to please him. All the while I lost myself in the process. I went against every moral I have ever had for myself. I disrespected myself and my family. I lied. I did so much that I now regret whole heartedly.

This past month my little secret was exposed. Honestly, I am greatful it was. I am sleeping again. I am myself. I would be lieing though if I said I didnt think of him everyday. I do. I think I always will just like I do the only other guy I fell in love with.

I am thankful its over. Now I will continue to move foward and be the woman I know that I really am. I will be the woman my family has raised me to be.

4:54 AM 
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August 4, 2009 - Tuesday 

Category: Life
Ok so recently I have gone through a lot of crap. Most of I brought upon myself because c'mon..lets face it, I have an amazin life now. I have a great family, amazing friends and my health is awsome again!  I have my days  where I am pissy and a bitch but all in all I am so happy and I have started to be the girl I once was.


I have started talking to someone again. If you wanna know who sorry not gonna say it out loud. But anyone who really knows me will know EXACTLY who I am referring too.

What do I do? He says he is "ready"...he says he knows real is to be with me....two years ago I would have wanted nothing more than to hear that come from his mouth. But now idk.

I have missed him. Despite EVERYTHING we have been through.

I just have to follow my heart.

Whats in it exactly... I really have no idea....

11:23 PM 
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June 6, 2009 - Saturday 



Here's to all those girls who used to be his number one. The ones who waited all night for him to call, only to check your phone the next morning and be disappointed. The ones who made it through that bitter break up, dried your own tears, and moved on with your life, only to have him walk back in it hours later like nothing ever happened. Those of you who cried on the first day you talked again because you knew exactly where this phone call was going. The ones who listened to him say, I only want to be your friend, one hour, and the next, listened to him say how much he loves and misses you. We deserve something,Here's to the ones that took him back, hoping that maybe this time, he was different, hoping that maybe people really do change. We listened to our friends tell us that we were stupid for even thinking about giving him another chance, caught shit from them, and even snuck around to see him for a while. We went through the great stage with no fights all over again. We started this out thinking it would be just friends, and ended up falling in love with him again. We wanted nothing more in the world than to hear him tell us he loved us too, that even though things were bad in the past, they would be different this time. And when we finally heard it, it was like we were dreaming.Here's to the ones who believed what he said, sat around all over again waiting for a phone call that might come in a few hours,Here's for the tears cried and dried all over again. We wanted so desperately to believe that he was really busy, he couldn't possibly call us at that moment, or even that he fell asleep early. We trained ourselves to believe the lies because we wanted to believe we had found the one for us. We learned to SETTLE for someone who didn't treat us the way we should be treated.Here's for the ones who did their hair and make up and put on their prettiest earrings, only to hear him say that he couldn't see us today. The ones who never believed it when people told us there might be someone else. We just couldn't believe that he could do this to us again. This is for those great girls, who loved him more than words can say, and took him back no matter what happened last time because they couldn't bear to look back on their lives one day and wonder "what if".Here's for the ones who hoped he would realize that he didnt deserved us. When he said that he loved you, but didn't mean it. This is for the ones that held on to something that was never there to begin with. who somehow managed to get him to forget about her, and get him to tell us that he was in love with us again, only to have him tell us some weeks later that "things were going too fast, he needs time."Here's to the girls who couldn't cry to their friends because of how stupid they felt. The ones who held it all in when things came crumbling to pieces again. This is for the ones who couldn't bear to even tell their mom what was going on, for fear of an "I told you so." The ones that could just TELL that they had made a mistake ever allowing him into their hearts, their beds, and their dreams again.We knew that we deserved better the entire time, that we deserved a guy who would call when he said he was going to, one that would come see us whenever he got the chance, one that would really care about us. We just wanted the one that we loved like that.Here's for the ones that FINALLY realized that he never gave a shit about them. Here's for the time that he broke your heart again. This is for those days spent trying to hold back the tears, and the tears that turned into anger, then disappointment. Here's for us girls who finally realized that we deserve better. This is for those confusing days, when you miss him, and want nothing more than to hear his voice, or feel his arms around your waist. Stay strong, and remember that relationships are like broken glass, sometimes it's better to leave it alone rather than try to put the pieces back together and get hurt. Remember the times you cried, and how long it took you to even be able to look at another guy like that.When "your song" comes on the radio, turn the station. When the day comes that he realizes what a mistake he made and tries calling, turn your phone off. When he tries coming to your house, don't answer the door. Think of the broken promises, and the lies, the manipulation and the tears, the wasted moments and staying up all night wondering where the HELL he was. Think of how your heart used to jump when your phone would vibrate in the middle of the night, and how it fell to your stomach when you saw it wasn't him, and realized that once again, he hadn't called when he said he was going to.One day, you'll find a guy who's worth all the tears, but he won't make you cry. You may think that you'll never care about someone like you did that guy that you always ran back to, but you will. It's gonna hurt like hell, and it's going to need time to heal, but the point is, it will heal.This is for those girls, who fell back in love with their ex, only to get hurt all over again.

5:34 PM 
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March 30, 2009 - Monday 

Current mood:  gloomy
Category: Life

I'm sorry I didn't measure up
to who you thought I was.
I am sorry that no matter what you did
all I ever did was fuss.

I am sorry I didn't realize how much you ment to me
till you were already too far gone.
I am sorry it took our downfall to realize,
it was I who was in the wrong.

I miss everything about you.
I miss your warm embrace.
I miss the long talks we used to have
and our friendship thats been erased.

I am not the same without you.
I am not happy with anything at all.
I am so lonely and I have tried to fill that void,
yet noone even comes close.

 I do understand its over
but I have to tell you how I feel.
If I don't do it now
I know that I never will.

5:02 PM 
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March 5, 2009 - Thursday 

Category: Friends
6:44 AM 
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February 2, 2009 - Monday 

Current mood:  blessed
Category: Writing and Poetry

I must admit,
I have often thought
of letting it all go.
I am a girl with no emotion.
No love to give or show.

Every morining is a chore.
It's the same old played out scheme.
Looking at my reflection,
my mirror makes me want to scream.

I cannot stand to look at myself.
So I pull out my loaded gun.
I point it at my image,
so I can kill whom I've become.

Living with all of this heartache.
With all of my secrets makes me cry.
I see myself so clearly now.
For my mirror NEVER lies.

I close my eyes so tightly.
Pull the trigger,hear the bang.
I hear the glass shatter
as the broken angels sang.

You'll no longer see my past image,
in that pile of broken glass.
My reflection is now only
a curse of that shattered past.

©

5:59 AM 
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February 2, 2009 - Monday 

Current mood:  awake
Category: Writing and Poetry

Forget all the redundancy.
Forget about the past.
Forget all of the heartache.
Forget harsh words we've cast.
Forget the scars upon my wrists.
Forget my fallen tears.
Forget all of my letters
that revealed all of my feeling,hopes,and fears.
Forget I ever fell for you.
Forget I am falling for you still.
Forget how you harshly broke my heart.
Forget how numb you made me feel.
Forget how emo this may sound.
Forget my broken heart.
Forget our first encounter.
Forget we fell apart.
Forget I will always wait on you.
Forget you are always on my mind.
Forget I am so in love with you.
'Cuz baby,Love is blind.
Forget you'll always care for me.
Forget I miss you too.
Forget you'll always have my heart.
Forget I'll never forget you.
Forget about those painful
and deadly last four words.
Forget that 'I don't love you.'
was the last thing that I heard.

©


 

BTW: For everyones info, this is not about William. This is about a mixture of everything I have ever felt in my past. If anything William made these thoughts better. I just don't want people to think I am all emo again. haha. Hope you liked it though.

5:32 AM 
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February 1, 2009 - Sunday 

Current mood:  determined
Category: Life
 Someone told me once that you get one life,one chance, and its up to you what you do with it. I have to grow up. I need to stop depending on everyone else and stop dwelling on the past or what someone else has ever said or done to me. I am gonna live for now. So I am totally lieing when I say I am fine about William and I breaking up. But I do know that I eventually will be ok. I am apart of this family and I have to find a way to cope.

I didn't realize till I was talking to Chad and Jennifer tonight that I stopped dreaming when William and I started dating. The only dream I had was to drop everything I wanted and make him happy. I realized that I wasn't good enough for him. Also...he wasn't good enough for me either. I will always love him. But I know that one day that love will turn into something easier. Right now, yes it does suck. Its gonna suck whenever he brings some other girl home. But one day it will suck for him too when I bring someone else home too. I know he still cares for me. I know he loves me...it just isn't that love anymore. But we never know what life will bring later on down the line. He still may be the one or he may be the one I turn to as a best friend. He still is my best friend. He always ALWAYS will be. Just right now we can't be those friends...its too hard for me and I think for him too.

Also I have realized I have very low self esteem and before someone else can truely love me, I have to truely love myself and know who I truely am and live my dreams for me. I have to accept the fact that Will and me are no longer together. I dunno what will happen ten years from now or even tomorrow. I learned I need to take it one day, one hour, and one minute at a time.

I am only Nineteen and I have my whole life ahead of me.

I am gonna start Writning again.
I am gonna start working my butt off at work and find me a full time job!
I am gonna get my civic back.
I am gonna go to college and become an RN.
I am gonna travel.
I am gonna branch out and make new friends.
I am gonna find God and myself again!
I will be ok.
I will NOT turn to drinking and partying and lose respect for myself as some girls do.
I don't know who I am.
But I do know who I am not.
I promise to myself right now that I am going to be ok. From this moment on I am going to make myself ok. Like Chad said....One day,One Minute and one second at a time.
And that my friends is THE BEST advice I have ever been given.
5:27 AM 
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