Recently I have found myself in situations which caused me to remember that time when I was a child and was scared there was a monster under my bed. 
I would be so scared and then I would force myself to see because maybe I was scared for no reason, of course when I looked under my bed there was no monster
The monster was only in my own head.

Over the years I have started to learn to trust my instincts, as well as tune into which ones are monsters under my bed and which ones are real. I have found
that usually when I get real warning signs they come out of nowhere, I will be in a happy peaceful blissful or just mellow state and out of nowhere something
hits me over the head, I have learned the more I pay attention the more clear things become.

But my instincts were not something I was taught to follow, there was no class in intuition no class on listening. I happened to spend lots of my time in the woods alone
or making art or just alone and in that alone time I did lots of listening.  I was so used to living in a world that I spent a large amount of my time alone wondering in the woods
listening creating and just being that my transition into big cities and a world where all around me were all these things, people, energies, which I felt but while living
in NY I had to learn how to ground .

Now in Los Angeles I am adjusting, I am told its the land of smoke and mirror and for years I would come and stick my pinky toe into the water and slowly I found
people who were not part of the smoke and mirror performance. I also ran into my share of people who would shape shift on me, I remember when I was eighteen
I ended up staying at a agents, this agent turned out not to be good news and I could feel it, the energy felt all wrong and so I emailed this photographer who's work
I loved and then he called me and the moment I heard his voice I knew he was someone who I would be safe with , I just knew it and so I went outside and was just honest
I told him I ended up in a situation with someone that didn't feel safe at all. He then drove over at three in the morning and got me, and from then on out he was
one of my best friends and he taught me many things  he also was well known in the world I was running in and before him I got messed with allot once our
connection as creatives and friends became public it was like someone had built a wall around me.  At the time and for those years I needed that, I remember I would
stay with him anytime I was here, and often I would fall asleep while he worked in his office. He always protected me, always called me out, and was a real friend,
we had our moments, we didn't always see eye to eye but until the end I  knew he had my back and he had me covered. After he died LA was a tough place for me
I suppose in cities being the nomad I have been I would always find that one person, I only needed one as long as I had one who I knew was there and
on the same page then I knew if I happened to find myself in a situation where I needed backup I had someone and somewhere.

As a women as fearless as I am I also realize the world I live in requires me to see the war going on around me all the time.  Over the years
I learned the hard way often that despite the fact I see the world as my home and roam freely and feel I can live be anywhere I also have learned
its much safer to have someone around who knows the land, the pitfalls, and who has been there a long time and knows the ropes.
As a model for years I learned it was worth more then gold to listen to those who had been in a market for a long time, and as a model who
traveled and booked work on my own most of the time, I would usually tap into someone prior and get as much information as possible.

Yet over the years despite the skills i have learned sometimes I find myself in a room or on the way to meet someone and I get hit with the ten
pounds of bricks. Its happened though to me often through jobs my agency got me, which was one of the reasons I liked doing stuff on my own
I could read things through emails and voices, and I would actually research people prior to getting on a plane and flying somewhere .  The last few
close calls i had were through agencies, situations where I found myself in the room with a predator who viewed me as something to eat.
I've had people sink there claws into me when I was younger, and its not something I allow, there was a time I didn't know how to fight and or didn't
think it was ok to fight but I realized that it is that energy that keeps the cycle going of those who prey often on women or the more gentle spirited and those who get
raped, sexually assaulted, abused, controlled and or just used.

At this point being protective and willing to fight back I feel is something I must do not only for myself but in hopes to do what I can to
break the cycle. As someone who is all about love it took me a long time to realize allowing someone to rape, sexually abuse, abuse, control, or
harm me was only allowing the cycle to continue and it was ok to do whatever I could to stop it including leaving, calling in others or fighting back.
The last few predators I have encountered I went head to head with and granted I may have been scared and gotten a few scratches
I escaped without allowing them to take what they were after. Granted I have also had to call in friends for they come faster sadly then the system
or have not only taken it to the system but also if they were in the modeling industry had no problem alerting everyone I knew that they had tried
to sink their teeth into me. Sometimes girls wouldn't listen and would work with people regardless and often end up getting hurt in the indi modeling world
there are many who actively try to protect each other and will do whatever they can to help protect but just from watching and being a part of it
I have seen allot and the only way to play is to realize it is a war and sometimes it involves fighting back.

There are monsters under the bed which  are often just our own, then in real life we can encounter those who really just want to take something from us
granted in a balanced relationship there is a exchange, one is not just eating the other, sensing the give and take is important, there are those that will
stop at nothing to take what they want with no concern of how it harms the other. If you encounter this its important to not be afraid to fight back because by
allowing it we feed it and by feeding it the cycle continues.....

Its up to us to change things for the better but I don't think its a passive act of just allowing things to go on but actively working with what is.
I view life as a battle and I am here to fight for I have learned if I don't fight I will just become a slave to someone or something....
Fighting doesn't mean the use of anything physical the more I tune in the more I see and feel things before they hit me causing me
to have the capacity to avoid having to go head to head and hand to hand... which is of course something I would rather not do....
Yet I have also learned most of the battle takes place via the spirit and have learned over the years that sometimes saying nothing
and just being present with intention can send a bullet through the walls.

I have found myself in the room or next to those who raped me years latter more then once, I have walked into studios and come
face to face with those who raped or tried to rape my friends and I feel something then, and so do they, and nothing needs to be said
for just being there says it all. I feel like a ghost sometimes sent back just to remind them that what you do never dies its no secret
there are no secrets these people continue to go about life with mask and smoke in mirrors but the truth will always come out and will always
set those it needs to free .....eventually

Which is why when something that happens that may hurt me I chose to accept it and realize its just another tool, another experience
and the more i have the further I can go and the more wounds I heal from the more I can give that to others, the more I live through
the more I can burn a path through and the more I learn the more I can share.  For nothing can take my love or spirit from me,
all the things that happen only teach me, and as I learn I grow stronger and wiser so I embrace the bullets if I actually get hit
for if I miss one I must learn from it and from the process of removing and healing myself...
Many feel unworthy or worthless because of things that were done to them or because they have a heart full of bullets and wounds
but nothing anyone does to you makes you worth any less, nothing that happens to you or that you experience takes away
your beauty and love unless you let it, we have that choice, its the monster under the bed. If you shut down disconnect turn off and tune out
then over time the more detached the more turned off you become the less you are aware of how you harm yourself and others
most of those who I encounter as predators at some point were not and just lost more and more of there connection until the only
thing that mattered was power taking power eating energy feeding. If we are empty then we can end up becoming the predator
yet we are never empty unless we chose to believe we are, and disconnect our souls... fear is often one of the causes of that disconnect
and so its important to look under the bed for often the monster is only in our heads......

We can chose to love, to have hope to protect create and fight the good fight or not.. we have that choice it is ours nothing and no one else
can make that choice. We can be full of love and give back and live in peace or not, we can chose to learn from all things and accept all things
as our teachers or not, we can work with what we are given or not, but nothing and no one can take the love and beauty from our souls unless
we chose to allow it... love is limitless and always there we just have to chose it.. we are responsible ... if we want a better world if we want more love
if we want peace its up to us.....

Let the sky
Split my heart wide
Let heartbreak
expand in silence
As walls shatter
The sun shines through
What was once locked
 is now free to be here

As a cocoon
Wraps around
Traced with burning fire
Round the edges
Lifts me above the sea
Into a millions stars
Where I feel peace
In this space

As I fall the wings
Unfold as the world
Passes me by
Slowly allowing me stay
In a space where
The flowers bloom
Exactly when they
Are meant to

As everything
Is my teacher
And everything
Is a lesson
With each step
And every breath
I open up and listen

So that I may continue
To grow
Towards the sun

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=dqGBFTyH1r0

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=dqGBFTyH1r0

from me to you
if you have an iphone
carry me with you

xo
Jillian Ann


http://itunes.apple.com/WebObjects/MZStore.woa/wa/viewSoftware?id=325717240&mt=8

The fog drifts
As the stars fold
Under the sun
As I awake
To a world
In which
Spirit bends and Breaks
All solid matter
Until it becomes
A million stars
Moving as one
My perspective
Shifts as I
Expand and contract
Ever growing
Ever changing
Becoming Nothing
Only to become everything
Walking through
Silent streets
Picking flowers
From windows
Boxes and strangers
Carrying them back
Into the walls
Which seem as
Strange like the
Concept of countries
Color or  class
Someday You'll find me
Sleeping under the stars
On the roof
Under the trees
Floating in the ocean
The shadows
And silence
A cocoon
Away from all of the
Man made fear inspired
Limitations and walls
Countries and codes
That only keep us
Running on a treadmill
Killing to protect
What is ours
Fighting for something
We will never really own
Living dead
Just to be like the jones
Running on empty
Till we are in ICU
Pumped full of drugs
Dying in a hospital room
Killed early from
The poison
That if you're not careful
Consumes you while
You sleep
I want to die under the stars
Floating in the sea
Under the trees
Until then
The trick is
To stay alive
Not get lost
Or caught
Divided destroyed
Or become prey
To fear which only
Leads to slow
Suicide
Death doesn't scare me
Living dead
Is another story
Wires cables media
Do we actually know
Ourselves
Or are we always just
Following someone else
If there were no countries
No wars
No walls
No separation
What would their be
To fear
not to love
Someday  you'll find me
Under the stars
Floating in the sea
Returning to
Where I have and always
Have been...

9/11 Collective Reality  and a House of Cards

I am going to share my experience regarding 9/11. Prior to moving to New York I had recurring visions and dreams about towers burning and falling. At one point a song was created inspired by channeled through that vision. It was titled Fallen.  The visions and dreams were so vivid and imprinted and continued to happen over and over to the point that I chose to live on the other side of the bridge.  On September 10th something intense happened the entire day I felt a darkness descend i kept hearing souls and seeing a vision over and over. I was attempting to go about my daily life but it weighed heavily on me.  On the way home a man who used to walk me home everynight came to me and walked me home. I told him about what I was feeling and seeing and he expressed he knew and explained from his perspective why it was happening then he prayed with me. I went inside unable to sleep, I called a friend told them what I was seeing and feeling, they told me not to worry, everything would be fine . I told them this time something was really not right I could see and feel it.

The next day I saw it, it was no longer a dream or a vision, it was unfolding in reality. This completely altered my perspective of reality , my friend was altered as well.  Ever since then it has continued to be with me, and has changed my life.  I watch now as the controversy continues to spread on who or why and how it happened I understand why that controversy is there but what happened was planned for a long time, I saw it for years, I don't know exactly how or why but it was there. I never was shown who or the exact time although what I felt right before was so thick you couldn't cut a knife through its energy.

I have continued to try to stay aware, pay attention to dreams and visions for after that experience dreams and visions became messengers. Trusting in them in a world which in many teach and or program us to discount them or we never even dream or have visions. 

I feel we are collectively moving into very intense times, not that it hasn't always been intense. With technology comes the capacity for us to communicate faster and spread information quicker. But it also comes with the capacity to manipulate and control in ways that prior to the consolidation of information that is initially feed not only to us but to the entire world. I have watched as a story that was once local has become global, an idea of reality that once could only be spread by mouth can now be spread at the speed of light altering the perception of reality globally.

The swine flu is a wonderful example of how something can be spread at the speed of light to create a energy of fear globally with or without very much behind it based on actually reality.  If we were living in little tribes we wouldn't even know about swine flu until we got it.  Now through the media you could convince people there will be a huge issue and convince them all to get a vaccine even if there really was no issue or threat. I am not saying that the swine flu has no threat. I am just saying we live in a world in which our collective perspective of reality can be easily manipulated and controlled if we accept all that is spoon feed to us without actually looking into it questioning it as well as looking at it from a spiritual perspective.

Our greatest protector is to be rooted within our own spiritual connection. To do all we can to protect our bodies the earth and each other through awareness and choices based not on what we have been told or sold as our guidelines on how to be healthy happy or free but rather based on information which has been with us since the start and will be with us till the end  .  I have been deeply saddened and moved by seeing many of those close to me and that I love and are my fellow beings in which I share this life with become ill, or lose vitality and there energy. More so when often it could have been avoided to a large degree. It deeply disturbs me  I live in a world in which profit seems to come before truth and or what is loving, kind or healing. Of course there are exceptions to this and there are many and the numbers continue to grow who are changing this one day one choice and one life at a time but when I see what this "  American Dream" and system actually do to people in the long run it causes all the fire within to burn.

I feel we are all in this together so of course when I see others suffer, that is connected to me, we are all connected. I do not believe in countries, colors, races, religions or even sexes . I believe we are all spiritual beings all interconnected with the earth, animals and all things . I believe that we are not alone, I do not know the names or how to define , I do not feel it is needed. For the things which cause us or allow us to harm each other and believe we are not all connected and not all really one are things which I hope to see dissolve so that love can penetrate and bring balance and wholeness back into our individual souls and lives as well as the world and all the things within it and beyond.  Personally the things that divide us are things which my spirit never seems to be able to embrace although I was taught to believe in them. I am unable...

Its quiet here, but I am awake.. I feel that its important for all of us to be connected to what is within, to our bodies our world and each other, beyond how much money we have, how many cars, houses, toys, titles, degrees, for those things can be useful and have a purpose and are tools, but without a connection to ourselves each other and beyond they can often just be distractions.  I have always noticed art music and messages that come through it and into the media the underground the internet.  When I see one it always inspires me, for the more of us out there working to change things one by one choice by choice day by the day the more the energy is shifted. I do not feel we are powerless I do not feel it is hopeless I don't feel it is any more dark then light. I  feel we can if we all go within and work from our source and use our energy we can collectively work to create balance.  But we have to do it collectively, I do not feel one being will be able to save us.. we must all work together ...

Yet human connection is being challenged in ways that are new to us,  I know that I want to and crave deep spiritual connections with those I am with, work with, play with, love, friends and family. Sharing a moment when two are present is magic and yet it seems that is something often lacking from our interactions .  We have all these screens and wires in front of our hearts, touching each other has so much baggage associated with it and yet touch and exchanging love through human connection is part of our form of communication. Without true deep communication many of us find ourselves feeling sad, alone, depressed, and then balance is lost.  Love is a powerful force if unleashed but in order to unleash it I have found I have to unlearn much of what I was taught.

I continue to have hope for us as a collective that we can find ways to bridge the things that keep us separated and grow deeper and richer spiritually which then opens our eyes hearts and minds to see what is real and what is a house of cards.