Well first of all I’d like to say this was a jacked up movie to send me to. Noname you know my family raised goats! I told you that in confidence when we got drunk the other night! Now you use that information I gave you while I was crying?

And you send me to a movie called the men who stare at goats?! Listen Noname! When men stared at my Goat? I didn’t like it!

One time I saw some men staring at my goat? Later, I couldn’t find her!

I had to follow the pellets to a hotel room.

When I kicked in the door I saw her up on the bed surrounded by a bunch of Japanese business men in diapers.

You knew that Noname! Listeners get on my side against this story exploiter! He sends me to this movie knowing my history and I’m like if “I swear I see a goat on a bed!  I’m coming back here with a knife!”

Thank god it was just George Clooney which is still a slap in the face but at least I’m not watching bestial-cinema.

And I gotta say this movie sucked worse than Paris Hilton in her only “sort of watchable movie.” What was it called “One night in Paris.”?

Ok so this stupid stupid movie is about the government trying to use psychics to fight a war. Stupid. The only thing stupider than the us military is psychics Ok? The Hollywood movie studios, geniuses that they are said “Hey let’s blend  two crappy things psychics and the military and see if we have a reeses peanut butter cup situation.” Wrong! Wrong!

Basically this horrible movie is two long hours of Eeeeeewan Mc Gregor and George Clooney cruising through some desert almost getting killed every couple miles. Stupid! You’d think psychics could avoid situations like this right? I’m not even psychic and I avoid dying almost every day.

And I’m not gonna say it was a bareback moutainesque sort of thing but George Clooney has a huge mustache… Ok? It looks like a Turkish camels yamsack sought refuge on his upper lip.

Like I don’t get harrassed enough on the castro muni train. Now gays are gonna’ see George in that fat stache and be like “Hey looks like all the straight boys are getting bi-curious.”

And what’s up with all these comedy war movies these days? We’re in two wars working on a third with Iran. I don’t know if this is the time to be like “hey look it’s a charred Iraqi baby. Hardy har har.”

 Why do I have to tell George Clooney this? He thinks just because he builds orphanages in Darfur he can just be a tool the rest of the time?

This movie is terrible. Worse than Gigli. And I ain’t talkin’ about the gigli in Katy’s shirt. You got my check Katy? Or how about you just flash me those elegant milk buckets and well call it even?

She did just flash me her milk buckets guys. Does that mean I don’t get the 20 bucks and free buffalo wing coupons?  

Looks like my security escort is here. Come see me headline the purple onion Thursday November  the 19^th, 8 PM At 140 Columbus Avenue in North Beach. Or facebook Justin Scales San Francisco. I’ll get you a live 105 discount.

 You don’t see any homeless people in Tokyo. You could be there 8 days in a row and finally see a homeless guy and they’ll be like “No man it’s a 500 hundred year old samurai. He lives in a Castle.”

San Francisco you gotta crowd surf homeless people to get on the civic center bart.  

Tokyo? Helpful Samurai who gives exellent directions. And opens coconuts for free to the kiddies.

Why are we not adopting the Tokyo system? Don’t get me wrong I don’t hate the homeless or our mayor I’d just like to take a moment here and shoot some straight dope that’s all. Remove the smoke and mirrors. Let’s face it Gavin is angling for the presidency of the united states eventually, and I want to call him on a bluff of his before he heads off out of the reach of my rants.

I want to call him on the bluff that he really cares that much about homeless people.  

The Care not cash charade is costing the taxpayers too much money. Tokyo has a program called Hari Kari not cashy washy.

Not very ethical I must admit, but… kind of effective. Can we design a program not so harsh but not as expensive either?

How about roast beef sandwiches not cash.

How about drug treatment not cash?

How about bus tickets to George Bushes Ranch not cash?

If you care about homeless people Gavin? Make out with one.

I have. I went out with a girl named Jenny. She always had grease in her knuckle creases but she looked good in a certain light. Usually with the light off.

Don’t get me wrong , for all I know that knuckle crease grease came from running her hands through Gavin Newsome’s hair.

Let’s see that as your next photo op. Make out with my homeless friend Jenny on camera.

Otherwise I’ll run against you Gavin.

The toughest thing about being an edgy comic in San Francisco is half the people that come to shows belong to some marginalized group and they’re there to make sure you don’t joke about them in their haven of tranquility, their protected reserve, their “No alpha male” zone.  They come not so much to laugh but to go aaaaaawwwwww.

 San Francisco is for lovers, it’s for the oppressed, It’s for the overweight bisexual muslims who were persecuted by the kurds and the wheys.

The formerly bullied computer programmers who now pay squads of hired thugs to beat up their high school antagonists.

Beta Males are allowed to live in San Francisco but only with gps bracelets on their ankles. You never know when they might try to go alpha.

Don’t make fun of mops because the heroin junky Eskimo with a dog that had leukemia has a mop handle for a leg.

When I approach a microphone in one of the more sensitive crowds in San Francisco?

It’s like they bristle up before I say a word.” It’s the man.”

Sometimes they heckle.

Instead of engaging them in witty ramperbant I have a unique strategy for dealing with hecklers.  I choke them with mike cord. I’ve only gotten one clever response to that one. A purple face.

Burning man ended last week. I think burning man is ok but some of the participants act like they invented welding a pirate ship on wheels combined with large amounts of designer drugs. Where were you in summer of 89 the summer after I dropped out of high school. I welded like 8 pirate ships high as hell. The pirate ships were being built in my mind… but don’t act like your so innovative burners!

And another thing , don’t act like you’re the Gucci first class of raging. You go out in  the desert, do a bunch of drugs in the dirt and have sex. You’re hippies.

 I don’t care how big your art car is. You’re a hippy. Which is fine. There’s nothing wrong with being a hippy. I lived in a tee-pee for several years. Just be who you are Burning man people. We’ll still like you. Just admit you’re hippies.

Mad max hippies. Can we settle on mad max hippies?

All I’m trying to say is playa dust is just Jerry Garcia hugging you closer. Hug him back burners. Hug him back.

Gavin Newsome is gonna run for governor of California and I think he’s gonna’ win. He’s is a professional actor.  I seen him on market street with two photographers. This was around the time he was doing his care not cash program where homeless people all got a free house instead of wino money from general relief. I was right across the street on 7^th and market and I saw them. Old Gavin sees this homeless guy that had dimples right and he shsshhes his photographers, as if the homeless guy would take off like a scared gazelle?

This was gonna’ be the photo to launch him into showbiz. Go ahead and adopt every kid in Somalia Angelina but first you might want to look at this old guys dimples. Read ‘em and weep angie.

How can Gavin lose? Arnold’s an actor? Ronald Reagan was an actor. Gavin was acting when he was in that picture I saw them snap on market with the old dimpled guy. He was acting like he cared.

Oh give me a break. I’m two steps from homelessness myself and I don’t care that much. The kids who came to Gavin’s childhood birthdays had names like Getty. He doesn’t care.

And look at Gavin’s hair? He’s taking the actor turned California governor routine and reversing it. He starting with politics and going showbiz after. Touche Gavin. Touche.

Oh he’s acting already too. A good rule to life is the more grease someone has in their hair, the more they’re pretending to be someone they’re not.

And let’s just say Gavin Newsome has so much oil in his hair I thought he was wearing a kangol hat but I squinted and it was a cracked open oil tanker.

There was like pelicans flopping around drowning in the glop. Caw caw.

And you know what Gavin Newsome’s Care Not Cash program got us?  when the rest of the country heard we were giving out medical dental and a place to sleep? (look up) The mayors of poor cities started loading up busses of their homeless people and shipping them to san francisco. The mayor of Dayton Ohio actually drove the homeless bus from his city and he now  lives in a shelter down the street from my house.  “Three hots and a cot baby, quit your job and move to san Francisco.”