I mean, nobody uses myspace anymore do they? Lacks the requisite hipness and urban irony of Facebook. So I feel like I can blab here and maybe nobody even sees it. I like that idea. I was thinking about my music projects today, and particularly Download. Kevin and I made a Download record in August, and we made it really quickly, and now it is out there. We didn't argue one single time while making it. A couple of weeks ago, I saw Kevin when he came here to play a show with SP. Tim was there too - it was like some sort of weird reunion. Kevin and I went and got some food, and there was none of the tension we used to experience. The record we made was smooth sailing as well. I am not sure what to make of all of it - I think it used to be my fault most of the time. I might have been incredibly difficult to deal with on some levels for all those years. I used to think I was somehow missing something. Maybe it is school, or working with Tom and having other interests, but that old sense of entitlement and competition is gone. I saw the crowd really enjoying the show and saw Kevin playing up there, and simply felt happy and excited for him. No resentment. No sense of missing out. Sure it would be nice to tour, and to see Download playing shows to crowds. I understand it more now than I used to. SP is a business, a brand. We could have been touring as an opening band for SP, but the singer for SP doesn't want that. I think he finds it all a bit threatening. I am just happy to feel like it doesn't matter anymore, you know? It is more important to have these friends in my life and not see them as commodities. It used to really bother me to have these records I had made, and nobody noticed anything I did, unless I did it with Kevin. Sometime in the last little while, I realized that I was lucky to be in that position. It was all a matter of perspective. A sense of entitlement is a really toxic thing. It saps me of all gratitude. Meanwhile, I got to make (and still do get to make) these records with someone who I really love creatively. Whats wrong with any of that? I guess it all ties into earlier things I wrote about, with the ego getting in the way. I can't make music for anyone but myself. When I made music for approval, I was always disappointed. When I saw Kevin get credit I felt should have been mine, I reacted childishly. I can not explain what has changed. I don't know why I feel differently. I am not sure if it is just age - some sort of delayed growing up and out of it. I probably owe the guy a thousand apologies, but he doesn't make me feel that way. 

I think I will be getting good grades in all of my courses as long as I dont bail out now. I only have 4 weeks left to go and then I will be taking a break until January. It is first year, so it is pretty easy. Those of you who have done it know - it is pretty easy isn't it? When does it get more difficult? I keep hearing third year...I would be ok with that. I dont want to get overwhelmed too quickly. I would rather ease into it. 

The music I am making with Tom Anselmi and Laure-Elaine is made using exclusively analog synthesizers and processors. It is drone based and steady. Neu style beats and rhythmic drones seem to be the basis of the songs. We have our first show at the end of this month. It will be at Gene - a small little place on Main st. This is going to be scary for us, and for me especially as I will mix the entire show live on a 32 channel desk, with all of the drum parts, sequences and everything else, being generated live on the spot without the benefit of backing tracks. SO - it will either be a complete train wreck, or it will be a moment of greatness. It is out of my hands like most things, so I will just hope for the best.