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Thursday, December 10, 2009

Cary Coatney's Cartoon Showtime on DVD Part 2
Current mood:

animated

CARY COATNEY'S      CARTOON            SHOWTIME ON DVD PART TWO

When we last left our heroes...

Last week I went through the nuts and bolts of psychedelic cult cartoons now readily available on DVD including some really off the wall Felix the Cat cartoons I've watched dating all the way back to 1920 up to the current perversed fare that's seen nightly on Cartoon Network's Adult Swim block.

Although you could lump such shows as Family Guy, The Simpsons, American Dad, Futurama and South Park in similar categories - I personally don't follow those closely as I should because they're too embroidered in the mainstream and I'd be just some regular everyday schmuck if I were to go on a fan boy geek tangent about them. However, I'd rather rant on about mainstream....

....super hero cartoons and others in the action pack made solely for boys market.

Here's what we'll be talking about today....

6.

Absolutely hands down, the best animated adaptation of late. I constantly into bitter debates with friends about this latest animated incarnation of Marvel's most popular and beloved character. SPOILER KING texted me one day all the way from Pittsburgh where he now lives (another escaped HAZELTINE HELLMOUTH refugee)and asked me if I've been watching the new second season episodes that are airing on the Disney XD channel, and I called back ( because, you know, I'm a man - I don't text back to guys - only myspace gal pals have that priviledge!) and told him- only the episodes I could catch while I was living in Brentwood shacked up in Harry P's pad). SPOILER KING texted back after hanging up... "so what's with the freaky bug eyes??" I had to call him back and tell him - well for starters, those who don't know from the beginning when Spider-Man first appeared in the August 1962 issue of Amazing Fantasy #15, Stan Lee and Steve Ditko's immortal creation first had big bug eyes on his mask, then when artist John "Jazzy" Romita took over the penciling reins, ( in Amazing Spider-Man issue # 39)he went and  toned down the eye holes. So this animated series produced by Sony for two seasons - ( a third season is pending upon how Disney feels about the ratings- but they should have made a decision by now or will come the first week of January when everything Marvel is signed over to Disney) pays tribute to all those Spidey stories in the early sixties and some episodes are updated with current fan fave foes such as Venom and the Black Cat. Looks like I won't have long to wait until the second season episodes are released on DVD. In rotation right now I have Volume 5 which has the first four episodes of the second season, including an episode featuring my favorite all time Spidey baddy, Mysterio. In February, Sony will be releasing a couple more volumes of the second season. Oh, and least I forget, this was one the shows I used to track ratings for while I was working at Sony, AND also if I had been hired at Disney XD, I would be doing the same.

7. Another show about to change hands from Nicktoons to Disney XD channel once the final handshake commences between Marvel and Disney. This show from what I've been told is a ratings blast but there are mixed criticisms about the overseas French production. Some are skeptical about the direction of where this series is going, scratching their heads about why Tony Stark and his supporting cast ( James Rhodes, Pepper Potts, Happy Hogan, and the Mandarin )are depicted as teen agers. Dumbfounded are other critics as to the clunky CG animation that also echoes a one shot season wonder of Spider-Man that once aired on MTV earlier this decade. Nonetheless, I get some sort of satisfaction from watching it as they bring in old obscure unheard of villains such as the Melter, the Unicorn, the Ghost, and other armored powered adversaries - also it has a real catchy themed song performed by an all boys band called Rooney that you'll catch me humming. Unfortunely this show is not one of Deposit Man artist, Larry Nadolsky's favorite shows. More unfortunate news about Larry next week.

8. The greatest ongoing animated series based on Marvel's mutant powered vagabonds that's currently running period. Another Nicktoons exclusive that will no longer be exclusive that will also be heading to the Disney XD network next year and has already been renewed for a second season. Absolute powerful story telling by Craig Kyle, Chris Yost, and Greg Johnson encompassing a grand epic saga told across twenty-six episodes. This series is a action packed mile a minute edge of your seat nail biting thrill ride with smart written punchy dialogue performed by great voice actors on top of their game. It's the only animation series that echoes some of the great straight to DVDs that Marvel has been semi regularly releasing ( the next scheduled DVD is Planet Hulk in February.) This is one dvd series I could watch in large easy bite chunks. Full seasons have been released in Canada and Europe, but out here in the USA they only release four or five episodes every couple of months. Volume four is also scheduled for February - but the major difference between the overseas releases and ours is that WE get creator commentary on each episode which are fun and intriguing to listen to since I've been up to par on the latest in X-Men comic books.

9. Disney's hand in usurping Marvel's throne has long been in place and is evident through this example: They've already had been releasing the old 1990's X-Men series on DVD for a very long time.

Although often times chunky and clumsy in it's execution, we have a lot to be thankful for this series- it was an inspiration for Byran Singer and thereby booted Fox Studio's interest in getting the movies made.

As the series progressed, the quality improved (and actual comic books writers such as the creator of Wolverine himself Len Wein came aboard and scripted a handful of episodes )and the stories began to get more serial. I don't think I never had a chance to see the last ten or so episodes, but Disney is remedying that with the release of season sets. There are four volumes available with the fifth and final out coming out soon.

Little piece of Coatney trivia - the top floor of the building in Westwood where I was working for Sony used to be occupied by the production company Saban where the show was produced.

10. Plastic Man was produced by Ruby & Spears Animation back in 1979, and probably after watching a handful of episodes of when I was fourteen or fifteen years old thought it was too campy or syrupy for my taste. The villains were dumb- such as a talking clam or a half man or half ape hell bent on taking over the world, leaving Plastic Man to come to our rescue in his plastic jet plane.

But like Will Eisner's the Spirit comic strip back in the forties, which I learned to appreciate when I was much older due to the sophisicated and mature themes, the same rule applied to Jack Cole's creation which predated the creation of Mister Fantastic in the Fantastic Four or DC's Silver Age Elongated Man. Those successors had limited ability in how far they could stretch or what object or shape they could morph into.

What this series does get right is the unlimited and endless abilities that Plastic Man demonstrates with the slightest of ease - and now with a new found admiration for all things Jack Cole through Kyle Baker's revitalization series for DC a few years back, I look at this series with contempt curiosity and it's something to keep myself occcupied with until Warner Bros releases the first wave of Superfriends DVDs early next year. Comic book writer and one time assistant to Jack Kirby, Mark Evanier wrote a good chunk of these episodes, which also something that snuck by me.

However - the title of Complete Series is misleading, as they do not include much of the second season that introduced the concept of Plastic Baby. One of the special extra bonus features on this collection is a failed pilot for a late ninties animated series that would've coincided with the Batman and Superman animated series.

11.
Another noteworthy effort from the Ruby and Spears camp ( whose major output was purchased by the Warner Bros vault- hopefully there will a Thundaar The Barbarian collection out soon enough) this time focused on the Man of Steel which aired on CBS in the late eighties to mark the 50th birthday of the last son of Krypton. This series demonstrated that television animation was about to break new ground in highly detailed character designs. They hired Green Lantern and Atom vet Gil Kane to pump up Superman's physique and gave him a meaner muscular rogue's gallery and the show's action scenes were more fluid and full of grandeur than any other show of its' time. Sadly the show only lasted one season, as I remember due to it's later 11AM or noon time slot - a lot of episodes got shuffled around or were pre-empted due to football games. A good portion of the episodes were scripted by another comic book writing vet, Marv Wolfman and were storyboarded and directed by Dick Sebast, who went on to work on the Batman & Superman Animated Series a few years down the line. A downsize to this series was that every episode had to end with a five minute tale of Superman harking back to when he was a baby or growing up in school and worse: joining the cub scouts. Yuck.

12. Now we come down to my current favorite animated series airing right now every Friday night on the Cartoon Network. Every week, the caped crusader teams up with a lesser or relatively unknown obscure hero or villain from the DC Universe. What I love most about this series is it's unpredictability to surprise me week after week. It's almost like falling in love with your old comics all over again - the ones that date back to when you were seven or eight years old lost in all those 100 pagers that you got at the local mom and pop shop. A lot of these episodes are played strictly for laughs (I mean, check the musical episode that aired a few months back) - but damn, I waited practically a lifetime to see such characters as Kamandi, OMAC, Equinox, and the Outsiders to see full animated life. John Di Maggio, otherwise known as Bender on Futurama cracks the hell out of me as the voice of Aquaman on this show. Two volumes are out on DVD - a third will be released in February.

13. Editor on the Deposit Man, St. Sparky ought to know more about the technical aspects of this show since it was all written by his favorite comic book writer, Warren Ellis. My understanding of it is that it's animated by the same people who are behind Wolverine & The X-Men and voiced by their very same actors. The show aired as five to six minute segments on Cartoon Network during Adult Swim late hours to rally up the charge for the Paramount movie and Paramount also released this dvd the very same day as the GI Joe dvd was released.

14. I just bought this one last week ( for $5.00 at Best Buy ) and only viewed one episode so far, so it's too early for me to make an total assessment. The animation looks like chopped bits left over from a Playstation or a I Box game: lifeless and out of sync jerky movements, not to mention the camera work. Maybe I'm overly cogitated from a case of queasiness as I'm not really an advit fan of playing video games - not like my one time roommate, BYRAN CROTCHROT CAPRICA was.Nor was I big fan of the Christian Bale relaunch on which this title is derived from. Six episodes spread across 75 minutes and featuring the voice of Moon Bloodgood, who also starred in the movie.

15.

And saving the best presentation of a animated show on DVD is none other than the mighty Star Wars: The Clone Wars. Finally a package worthy enough to sit next to your Star Wars movie collection. Even after seeing each episode countless numerous times, seeing them ALL on dvd is a phenomenal treat in itself as some selected episodes are presented as DIRECTOR'S CUTs that include footage not seen in it's original broadcast. ALSO as a special bonus- the dvd package comes as a binded book package that has 48 pages or so of sketches and schemetics of all the characters and spaceship designs that makes me practically want to cum in my cartoon clown pants. AND that's not all- each episode comes acquiped with it's very own SPECIAL BONUS FEATURE behind the making of with actual references to the movies themselves.

It's the greatest CGI animated shit out there and the best news from the Lucasfilm camp that it's going to be around for another 3 or 4 seasons- so there's lots more to come.

Well, that's the latest two part update. I will be doing another such blog feature next month on what I still have yet to see or have yet to purchase in the world of animation released on dvd.

Next week: Bad news in the Deposit Man creative camp and I have yet to blog about my latest roommate whom I've now offficially declared his sovereignry as the LORD OF THE ASSRINGS.

Just in time for Christmas.

Currently watching:
Planet Hulk (Two Disc Special Edition)
Release date: 2010-02-02

6:08 PM

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Thursday, December 03, 2009

The Return of Cary Coatney's Saturday Morning Cartoon Madness on DVD Part One
Current mood:

animated

THE RETURN OF
CARY COATNEY's SATURDAY MORNING CARTOON MADNESS ON DVD
Part One

So here I am once more in the playground of my Saturday morning ritual consisting of: a DVD player connected to a good HD Television set, or when I'm on the road, a portable DVD player will suffice (like I used at my stepsister's place in Tucson last weekend since her DVD player looked a little dodgy), a breakfast burrito or two bowls of cereal, a giant sized Coldbuster Jamba Juice, a pack of Parlies, and 15 or 16 choice cut DVDs of my favorite animated shows in brilliant surround sound and color.

This has been pretty much my protocol ever since I've developed my first batch of memory cells. Saturday mornings was the only thing that was allowed me breathing space when I was a kid being raised by a tyrannical stepfather. Since he would sleep in every Saturday morning, I was pretty much allowed to watch all the Saturday morning cartoons my retinas could handle. My half sister Bernadette wasn't really into Saturday morning kiddy fare except for the Smurfs cartoons. Otherwise, she would just fade herself away reading a Little House on a Prairie book.

But with me being 45 years old, I still have vivid memories of very early Saturday morning escapist fare- and now with the invention of the DVD player, I can pretty much revisit all those old memories and actually COMPREHEND all those regurgitated stories and plots - whereas when I was younger, I was just entertained by the pretty painted cell visuals.

With the craziness of all this traveling to different cities visiting relatives, trying to promote my new Deposit Man comic book (most unsuccessfully I might add), and my cunnilingus exploits, I feel the need of a reborant and just write a blog of something resembling the Cary Coatney unemployed simple life.

Animation from all walks of life, including stuff that was produced even before I was born.

So here in the first of two parts - because I've been racking up a lot of shows of late- ( I get up around 6 or 7 in the morning and I don't finish until around 2:30 or 3 in the afternoon) is what I currently have in rotation.

Pictures and brief synopsises to follow.

1.

http://www.fulvuedrive-in.com/cover/SUPER300CARTOONSET.jpg

It's only fair to start off with a session in animation history and this set does it admirably. I do most of my animation shopping at Best Buy, Fry's, or used places such as Amoeba's in Hollywood or Second Spin over in Sherman Oaks- however stumbling across this six disc set at the family film area in the Sherman Oaks Best Buy for only $10.00 is probably the bargain of the year for me. I've had this collection with me since around Labor Day and I'm still not through watching the first disc because it's chockful of predated 1964 material ( the year I was born) that I've NEVER EVEN HEARD OF or have been curious to see. And even after I watch some of the cartoons on here, I'm always compelled to look it up on wikipedia and learn about them.

http://2.bp.blogspot.com/_xdVIURsvvbY/SUwnWCCbOgI/AAAAAAAAA18/yiBOUfLllQM/s400/calvin5.jpg

Included on this set are episodes of Calvin and the Colonel which was a black & white animated series that aired in prime time in 1960 ( even predating the Flintstones )and featured the voices of the actors from the Amos & Andy radio show. Calvin is a big furry bear with the flair for the ladies and the Colonel is a fox who's always looking for a get rich quick scheme to get away from his married life in some Tennessese southern town.

Further into the set is a mini collection of CLUTCH CARGO serials- which is a real fucking hoot to watch - that is, if you're familar with Conan O' Brien' s parody of the whole Syncro-Vox craze back in the late fifties.

Here's a brief Wikipedia explanation:

"Syncro-Vox was invented by television cameraman, and partner in Cambria Studios, Edwin Gillette, as a means of superimposing real human mouths on the faces of animals for the popular "talking animal" commercials of the 1950s. Clutch Cargo employed the Syncro-Vox technique by superimposing live-action human lips over limited-motion animation or even motionless animation cels."

Clutch Cargo is a pilot/adventurer based on the same mold as Milton Caniff's Steve Canyon and Terry & The Pirates World War II era comic strips of the 1940's. Also the same techinque was applied to another early sixties animated series called Space Angel that was created by Alex Toth - a maverick animator and artist who went on to create Space Ghost, the Herculoids, and Birdman for Hanna Barbara. One serial representing the series is also in this collection.
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And did you know that there were Felix the Cat cartoons dating back all the way to 1920? Even before the first talking motion picture began?

http://www.pollsb.com/photos/o/77432-felix_cat.jpg

Here's a still from one of those shorts in which Felix gets all fucked up on booze and then tries to struggle his way home before his wife smacks him in the head with a rolling pin. While inerbriated, he starts having hallucinations about walking lampposts, being chased by giant rat creatures, a demonic Santa Claus, and a boxing coo coo clock. I never realized until now what a strange trip it has been to get to the mid-fifties kid friendly version.

Absolutely the best 10 dollars I ever spent. I've got enough material to last me two years if I limit myself to just 3 cartoons a weekend. Although the quality is not superb, some of the transfers of the set looks as if it came dubbed from second or third generation of old VHS tapes.

2.

http://www.li-kids.com/photos/SatMorningCartoons1970V1DVDBoxArt.jpg

Warner Bros has been releasing a few collections showcasing a lot of the old Hanna Barbara from the 1960's and 1970's canon of output. Lots of good memories and some not so good memories on these collections. I'm mainly into the 1960's collections because of the old adventure shorts I remember fondly but haven't the chance to see in a long long while such as the Herculoids ( I'd love to write a comic book series on those guys) - a family of prehistoric cave people with advance technology and scientific altered creatures as pets protecting their planet from world conquering space warlords and monsters, Space Ghost, or Samson and Goliath. The 70's collection has a lot of transitional fare which was so-so to me as a approaching teen-ager such as Hong Kong Fooey, Funky Phantom, Charlie Chan and the Chan Clan, and Josie and The Pussycats. Included on these sets are short features based on the creation of some of these series. I only manage to watch one episode per week, so it's quite a variety to absorb. Since there are only two volumes out of each era, I heard from popular animation historian Jerry Beck, that the 60's ones are not selling as good as the 70's ones are -so Warner Bros may introduce a 1980's collection to go along with the third 70's volume. Of what I don't know. I wasn't really keen on most of the 1980's animation with the exception of Spider-Man & his Amazing Friends and some Superfriends episodes. Plus I was to busy chasing hot high school pin-ups girls such as Linda Freeman (now Yarosh) to even take notice.

3.

http://upcomingdiscs.com/ecs_covers/duckman-seasons-three-and-four-large.jpg

Duckman. I think the last blog I wrote concerning this subject, I wrote a few words on this series. One of those series that revitalized the prime time animation game along with the Simpsons. Without Duckman, today we probably wouldn't have such current successful series like Family Guy - who like Duckman takes numerous pot shots of celebrities and pop culture in general. Very often underrated. I think a lot of people were put off by the erratic jerky style of animation and the constant dick jokes/sexual innuendo that people just didn't have the patience to absorb in the late eighties or early nineties as we are tolerent for in this day and age. I recall recently overhearing some british chick talking to her boyfriend at the Burbank Fry's: "Gawd, why do the Yanks really need to see this? This was just an awful shite!"

Yeah, well, so was Dangermouse, sweetie. We all need some Duckman in our lives. In fact, I can't get enough Duckman into my life! I've been pretty much watching episodes of this once a week for over a year now.

4.

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Technically I don't own this yet ( I plan to around Christmas time) - but I include it in my roster, some of the best that's been seen on the Adult Swim block on Cartoon Network. For those not familiar with the concept: Cartoon Network runs pretty much all ages programming for the better part of the day except when 10:00PM (eastern and pacific) rolls around, it's time to put the little tykes to bed, get out the Southern Comfort and start rolling to smoke your socks because for the next four hours (repeating again from 2:AM to 6:00AM - in case you missed it the first time around), you're subjected to probably the best that current animation has to offer that is, if you're a closet David Lynch freak like me or into Sick & Twisted festivals.

However, I wasn't fully on board when this genre type of programming first launched on the airwaves (because I didn't have cable back then) so I'm not familar with a lot of the early pioneering programs such as Aqua Teen Hunger Force, Sealab 2021, or Space Ghost Coast-to-Coast ( yes, the one and the same 1960's superhero created by Alex Toth mentioned before earlier in this blog - but now in this version, he's a talk show host). So I've been haunting the used DVD bins at Amoeba and Second Spin for ridiculously low priced versions before blowing a hugh wad of unemployment cash on this collection that only includes second season episodes of six much lauded shows.

Adult Swim distributes and produces my now ALL TIME favorite animated series, The Venture Bros in which I was introduced to by my current Deposit Man editor, EDITOR ST. SANTOS.

However there are other gems under the Adult Swim banner such as Frisky Dingo, Moral Orel, Xavier Renegade Angel, and a overlooked series that needs a official release called Minoriteam.

http://www.universohq.com/quadrinhos/2006/imagens/Minoriteam.jpg

A delicious parody of the old 1960's Marvel Superheroes cartoon representing only superheroes with racial overtones complete with all the pristine xerography and onomatopoeiac lettering you can shake a true believer's fist at.

5.

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One of the most likable of the current stuff you'll see airing during the daytime on Cartoon Network. The Secret Saturdays is the all around perfect amalgammated homage blend up of the old Clutch Cargo series ( mentioned before) and Jonny Quest with a few hints of old pulp adventure ( obviously the father figure is a direct swipe of Doc Savage and the brother-in-law figure definitely channels a little of Dave Stevens' Rocketeer) complete with all sorts of ghastly ghoulies and scientific oddities. The Saturdays are a family of cryptozoologists who go on globe trotting adventures trying to protect the earth from a prophecy involving the populace of cyptoid creatures and a sinster albino horror movie show host, V.V. Argost in leading the charge for world domination. Very clever cliffhanging series from the mind of a independent comic book creator, Jay Stephens.

Well, this is all I'm going to do for this week.

Next week, I'll be tackling the current crop of DC and Marvel on DVD (past and present), along with G.I. Joe, Star Wars: The Clone Wars and the Terminator (didn't know there was a animated series based on the latest movie, did you?). Also, I'll have comments on the current state of what's on the cartoon telly today and what I'm looking forward to see being released in the future.

Who knows? Some of this shit might make good holiday gifts for the Saturday morning cartoon fanatic in your family.

Currently watching:
Terminator Salvation: The Machinima Series
Release date: 2009-11-03

6:37 PM

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Thursday, November 26, 2009

A Thanksgiving Surprise With All The (Pubes) Trimmings!
Current mood:itchy

A THANKSGIVING SURPRISE WITH ALL THE (PUBES) TRIMMINGS!

So here we are - another Thanksgiving and therefore another holiday blog. You all probably have your eyeballs glued to the tube in bated anticipation for the parades and football games.

I'm scheduled to watch the Macy's Day Parade @ 9 this morning because I got alerted by a headline on Facebook from my old high school gal pal, Linda Freeman (now Yarosh ) that her youngest daughter, Danika is going to be on the Billy Elliot: The Musical float since she is one of the cast members of that Broadway play (probably by the time you east coast gal pals are reading this, the parade is otherwise has passed or still in progress). So I'm morally obligated to tune in.

Then afterwards, I suppose it's going to be another one of those casino Thanksgiving buffets that my dad and stepmother usually take me to here in Las Vegas. Tomorrow, I'll be headed out to a surprise city, a city of which I've never been to before. My dad will let me know where it is when I get there ( jeez, I hope he isn't going to kick my ass out the SUV into some barren no man's land past the Mexican border).

So that means I've got to whip a special batch of quick thinking blogging. Which means, I'll going to have to postpone the Holiday Cartoon DVD super bonanza blitz until next week (as if any of you really fucking care).

When I saw this pop into my e-mail inbox - I just knew that this was JUST TOO GOOD to keep to myself even though I'm a big selfish fan of magic mouth carpet rides, or for those with many clean center surfaces- a linoleum tongue licking will suffice.

From the webpage newsletter of XXXBlackBook News comes:

Popular Pubic Hair Styles

Looking Good From Your Head to Your Pubes

Have you ever had a bad hair day? What about a bad pubic hair day? For many, "Crotch Coifing" is a daily ritual, as they spend as much time arranging their hair down there as there as they do on their head. Here are a few popular styles we've come across, along with the potential Ouch Factor involved.

Natural: You like to let it all hang loose - your hair is a badge of honor! You don't believe in trimming, even when you're sporting Speedos. More prevalent on men than women, letting your pubic hair grow is often seen as a sign of virility, but with the rise of manscaping, we may be seeing an extinct breed. Ouch Factor: None, unless of course, your long and curlys get stuck in the zipper.

Trimmed: There's a bit of maintenance involved, but it's a weekly or bi-weekly ritual (it really depends on who else is seeing it that day). The pubic hair is shortened but not removed or shaped - think of it as the equivalent of going to the barber and asking for a bit off the top. You don't tame the growth of hair from spreading outward from your groin, you just contain it from the ends. Ouch Factor: None.

Triangle: Also known as the MC Hammer, this style emulates "chevrons" that the '90s singer had shaved into his left eyebrow. Your pubic hair is removed, most commonly by waxing, from the sides to form a triangle so that pubic hair points where you want people to go. The Triangle ranges in size from the edge of your bikini line to up to an inch reduction on either side. Hair length varies, but it should be kept short so your Triangle keeps its shape. Ouch Factor: Low/Medium - depending on if you shave or wax. And although shaving initially hurts less, you may be prone to razor burn, which can itch like hell.

Landing strip: You are ready for takeoff and clear for landing. The Landing Strip consists of a long, centered vertical rectangle that resembles an airplane landing strip, leaving a thin strip of hair lining down the front and center of the pubic region. Hair is removed from the sides to achieve this affect, usually by waxing as the results last longer. Popular with women who like a clean look but still enjoy a bit of hair down there. Ouch Factor: Medium/High - Take off may be a bit bumpy, but the results are worth it.

Brazilian: This style became hot a few years ago, and even with its high Ouch Factor, people are still getting it done on a regular basis. Usually performed at a salon (we totally recommend that you do), the Brazilian removes pubic hair from the front all the way around to your butt crack. All that's left is a small patch of hair centered, narrow stripe above the vulva approximately an inch in size. Ouch Factor: Ay carumba! This one is off the Richter scale, but those who have had it done tell us that it usually gets less painful after time, especially if performed by someone who knows what they're doing.

The Hollywood: ( Yes, that would be me ladies. ) The preferred style of celebrities and porn stars (men and women), the Hollywood style leaves nothing to the imagination. All your pubic hair is removed, either with a lot of wax or shaving. Waxing usually lasts long, but you really have to like pain to go through with it. Ouch Factor: Extremely high. Try having a couple of drinks before trying this one on for size.

Well - there you have it. So make sure that after the tryptophan sets in, your mach 3 razors revved up and get those magic eightball centers a good ol' fashioned polish and spit shine!

Happy ~~Cunnilingus Day,~~ oops, sorry - I meant Thanksgiving.

Currently reading:
Under the Dome: A Novel
By Stephen King

3:44 PM

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Thursday, November 19, 2009

DOO DOO SNAKES ON A PLANE Part 3: Big Apple Bottoms Up
Current mood:

rushed

DOO DOO SNAKES ON A PLANE
Part Three:

BIG APPLE BOTTOMS UP

At long last, we reached the conclusion of my 2009 East Coast/West Coast tour trilogy.

It's New York 2009:

(The Empire State Building - taken just blocks away at Madison Square Garden)

My old high school stomping grounds - a lot of changes since then. 9/11, the renovation of Times Square, and the addition of California food franchises to your left and right of every block.

I'm not really too keen about that, seeing many of my favorite West Coast fast food joints around every corner I turn.

I'd rather they stay in California- where they belong. I go to New York to eat New York food. In the Big Apple, Nothing beats an giant enormous salted pretzel drenched with Gulden's Spicy Brown Mustard bought from some old undocumented worker pushing a cart without a hint of a department of health certification anywhere, endulging in a thick chewy slice of Silician pizza at some authenic family owned pizzeria in Greenwich Village, or partaking in a bulging bag of greasy White Castle hamburgers - not those vamped up overpriced yuppie knockoffs called Sliders that you pay a arm and a third leg for at a Chili's or a Applebees.

So what the fuck is Taco Bell, La Salsa, Yoshinoya, and most especially - JAMBA JUICE - the sacred of them all- doing in the middle of a food court over at New York's Port Authority??

That's just sacrilege!!

That's Southern California cruisine they're messing with. Smoothies belong in California - NOT New York!! Get rid of 'em! Get RID OF 'EM Now!! New York is NOT entitled to them!!

I moved to California to introduce myself to healthy eating (however I never adhere to the mantra with In and Out Burger being down the street); not to go to New York to eat healthy.

What's the fuck is matter with you east coasters, lately?

When I come back - more of my mom's bitching, mishaps on the subway in trying to meet up with my step nephew, rain showers, the return to Dylan's Candy Bar - at the bequest of sister Becky and her friend Jennifer, and major blow offs from both Jim Hanley's Universe & Forbidden Planet concerning the new Deposit Man.

It goddamned rained nearly the entire second week while I was in Manhattan and therefore had to sit a lot of time at my mom's house while waiting for the storms to abate. My mom said that she would have internet while I was there, so I could keep in constant 24/7 contact with the rest of you myspace gal pals, but she failed to mention that she wasn't going to get it installed until Halloween day when she upgraded everything to satelite - so my daily routine was to wake up, fix breakfast, walk the mutt, and stroll down to the Lake Hiawatha Public Library to check everything here and on Facebook. THERE was supposed to be a big get together for me to reconnect with old high school friends at the local tavern- but my facebook friend who was charge of organizing this so ballyhooed welcome home event screwed up by forgetting which weekend I was coming out. I saw maybe two people from high school (Joe Racz not being one of them - thank the deity of your choice- that prog rock hater!!) that remembered me. Most days I didn't get into the city until four and five in the afternoon and not long after that, there would be my mom- JUST like last year, calling me on the cellphone wondering when I was coming back for dinner.

Tuesday - I had my gameface on, and actually got in the city by eleven in the morning and checked my e-mail at the Port Authority bus station, before starting shopping. if you hadn't guess; Tuesday is my holiest of holidays - NEW RELEASE DAY for DVD's and CD's, so I was anxious to procure a copy of the latest straight to video Battlestar Galactica: The Plan, also surrogate sister Becky called me from LA demanding me to get more sugarly treats from Dylan's Candy Bar for my neices Olivia & Jojo:

Wikipedia has more on Dylan's :

There are three New York locations: the flagship on 1011 Third Avenue in Manhattan, Roosevelt Field Mall, and East Hampton. Other locations include The Galleriain Houston and two in Florida, the Florida Mall, and the Mall at Millenia, the last being inside the Bloomingdale's there.

The store was featured on the hit CW television show Gossip Girl in the episode "How to Succeed In Bassness". In the episode, Rufus Humphrey takes a trip to Dylan's Candy Bar to buy bags of candy for trick-or-treaters on Halloween.

In the Cake Boss episode "Candy, Crash and Crisis" a special candy encrusted cake is made for Dylan's Candy Bar by Carlo's City Hall Bake Shop.

In the first episode of "Chef's V City" Dylan's Candy Bar was visited by the teams and had to identify 3 different types of candy.

(Taking your first step into the three story candy store.)

(the basement - where I did most of my shopping. It's where they pack their fudge.)

This time, I didn't feel like as I was in a rush like I was last year when Becky sent me to this place and I got lost trying to find it due to not being really familar with the east side of town or whatever constitutes as the area beyond Central Park, so it was a much smoother shopping experience. Plus I wasn't going to pop in the area comic books stores until the next day when it wasn't scheduled to rain since Wednesdays is new comic book day.

Also, I made arrangements with my step nephew to have dinner with him the next night somewhere in Brooklyn. My step nephew Jor Dan recently made the move to New York from Tucson, Arizona to pursue his career into movie production. For the past couple of years, Jor Dan has been making and funding his own independant film shorts and some of them have actually made it to the local South Western state film festivals such as in Santa Fe New Mexico and some even out here in Los Angeles. My dad told me that Jor Dan was working on a set of a major hush hush movie out in Arizona for Universal Pictures of which they coughed $75 grand to pay him and therefore he told his mom after the movie was completed(my step sister Emma) that he was going to move to New York to work for this co-producer of Pan's Labrynth. Well, from what he told, that gig didn't exactly pan out (pardon the pun - or not) for him, but yet, he was still able to find some work directing a 30 second commercial spot for 1-800-Flowers out in a Nassau area shopping mall, and probably other projects are in the can for him to get started on.

Anyway, my mom wasn't happy with the notion that 'people representing my dad's side of the family' were out on the east coast - she's very territorial about stuff like that. " Can't you see him when you get back to Vegas or something? " She would snipe because she planned to cook steak for dinner that night or something.

"Can't mom, he's my nephew. Gotta check up on him - and I've got to peddle the book around. Distributors are doing dilly shit for me on the new book."

Needless to say, that night - my mom freaked out again because I didn't get home until 1:30 in the morning.

When I got to Jim Hanley Universe store - the most prestigious comic book store in the entire city ( Another big comic book chain in Manhattan called Midtown Comics think they're such the shit - but they just carry mainly stuff from DC and Marvel and much little else - not like the suzy homemaker alternative stuff that I create), I may add, I was dismayed to learn that one of the co-owners had passed away from a heart attack a mere few weeks before I blew into town- Therefore, I had to talk with the buyer and their accountants before I could place any copies up on consignment. I was hoping that they would take 10 copies off of me on the spot- but an employee told me he couldn't do any buying, and to contact a such and such person to arrange a time to meet.

Looking at the time, I realized that it was near seven o'clock that evening and I was supposed to meet with Jor Dan an half hour before. I called him to tell him that I fucked up and I'll have to try to make it the next night or the one following.

Cutting across Time Square to make my way back to the Port Authority bus terminal, Jor Dan calls me back on the cellphone to tell me that he hasn't even gotten off work yet and presented the idea of just grabbing a beer afterwards.

But not until 9 that night.

Oh man, this is going to so piss off mom - but since they're nothing much to watch on tv that night but the second game of the World Series with the Phillies and the Yankees - what the hell?

I told Jor Dan that I'll hang out in Times Square for a bit and watch the ball game on the jumbotron that have erected in the middle of Broadway.

(Game two of the 2009 World Series already in progress in the middle of Times Square)

( and then maybe check out an episode of my favorite cartoon show )

Walking a few block in the theater district, I just happened to stumble upon the venue where my old high school gal pal from eons ago, the ever versatile talented Linda Freeman (now Yarosh)' youngest daughter's was performing in Billy Elliot.

The songs in Billy Elliot were written by Elton John?

That I did not know.

Sure enough, there was her name: Danika Yarosh listed on the marquee - right there dead last in the credits (all the actors were listed in alphabetical order). I noticed across the street there was a play starring Hugh Jackson and up another block from there was the Winter Garden theater in which the Spider-man musical is slated to open. Music by Bono and the Edge. They have the entire theater all decorated in Spidey awnings and giant wall posters. Noelle Snow White Queen's K-mart brand panties will instantly be soaked by the time she read this.

Jor Dan called to say he was ready to meet me- but I misheard him on the phone ( it is so hard to hear what anyone says on a cellphone walking on a crowded city block in New York) thinking he wanted me to hop the A train and then the L train to meet him in Brooklyn. Once you get down to the tunnels- the signal instantly drops and therefore when I got off the L at some big Brooklyn transfer station and Jor Dan had just phoned to ask me to where the fuck I am.

And to my miscalculation, I overshot Jor Dan's stop by ten stops or so - I was almost near the stomping grounds of my long time nemesis, Master Fake Editor Scumbag Scott Goodell's - the delusional poor pitiful man who has made claims to his fellow brethren on twitter or whatever piece of shit social network site he is on, that he was the 'creator' of the Deposit Man - and not me, even though I'm the one who plotted and wrote all the scripts. Yeah, another few stops and I would've wound up near Coney Island. So I hopped back on the train going to Union Square and got off a stop just shy of Manhattan.

Finally around 10:30P, I met up with Jor Dan at some classy joint in Brooklyn and had only time for one beer that wound up being knocked over on the bar because I ALWAYS have to use my hands when I talk. Then I got back to Port Authority too late to catch the 11:00PM bus back home and had to wait to catch the last one which didn't leave until 1 that night.

To cut things short - because I'm missing Flash Forward and Fringe- No one ended up buying my book out in the city - well, I'm still waiting for the mourning employees at Jim Hanley to give me a call back to let me know when they can buy ( I've sold a lot of copies at that store) - and another store, Forbidden Planet located near Union Square also said they couldn't afford or carry my book until the end of this year.

So - my trip didn't end very happily. I bought the new Transformers movie to watch on the plane ride back and had massive diarrhea in which the shape of my doody kept reminding me of all those tar snakes that I used to fire up on the Fourth of July.

The End.

Next week: Thanksgiving Weekend: Saturday Morning Cartoon DVD style!!

Currently watching:
Star Trek (Two-Disc Digital Copy Edition)
Release date: 2009-11-17

8:02 PM

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Thursday, November 12, 2009

Doo Doo Snakes on a Plane Part Two: Running Coatney Reunites with Lake Hiawatha (fixed for err
Current mood:

fabulous

DOO DOO SNAKES ON A PLANE
PART TWO:
RUNNING COATNEY
REUNITES WITH LAKE HIAWATHA

Here we are with the second part of my "2009 world tour" of my back to back travels for the year. Last week I went into depth about attending the APE show back in San Francisco. I hung out with Ms. Sex in Stilettos, met Genevieve du Lac for the first time, and ate out Kerstan's pussy, an old Bay Area gal pal of mine for the third or so time.

Not more than 36 hours of touching down in Burbank - I was airborne once again out to New York to see if I could wow some New York area comic book stores with my new Deposit Man issue and to stay with my mom in Parsippany, New Jersey.

I fugure I'd get the decadence out of the way in San Francisco before finding myself desensitized on the East Coast, because as we all know from in blogs of last year's past:

Parsippany is a fucking boring place to be.

I got in on a early Wednesday morning around 5:30AMish after a Red Eye flight aboard Jet Blue.

Jet Blue is a awesome airline. I nearly stayed up the entire flight watching Adult Swim. The plane took off during the premiere episode of the Venture Bros' fourth season - so that cut out the transmission while the plane reached it's proper altitude and I had to wait for, like another four hours until I could catch the whole entire thing- but luckily rather shifting through endless repeats of Family Guy or King of the Hill- I had just bought a new portable DVD player so I could watch the Wolverine movie - of which I ended up snoozing through and then woke up to catch the new Venture Bros beginning up again.

What was more surreal is that the two other guys next to me were involved in the television industry as I used to be ( although I'm waiting word on whether or not I'll be working for the Disney XD network, if only anyone would give me a straight answer if I had aced the interview or not. Still undecided). One guy was employed by the Hallmark Channel and another guy I think was involved with the FX network and they were talking up a furious storm about the economic downslide in advertising dollars and other worthy subjects of blah blah blah that I didn't bother contributing to.

(mom's house)

I had to take a bus from JFK to the Port Authority to take a bus to Parsippany, so that my mom could pick me on Route 46 to take me to her house- because I packed a lot of shit to last me 10 days. I was deciding on the last minute on whether or not to bring a keyboard with me in case I met up with some old high school buddies to jam with - particularly a certain Joey Racz - in which I'm glad I didn't, because the stupid dweeb blew me off again and thereby saving me another $30.00 to transport it out. Fucking Jet Blue charges $30.00 for each extra suitcase and I already had two with me plus carry on shit. I was practicing some old Asia and Genesis shit the night before I flew out, trying to channel my inner Geoff Downes and Tony Banks in case my services were called upon. But that's ok - Racz probably saved me a lot of unnecessary arthritic flare up.

So I worked out a little schedule with my mom - I told her for the remainder of the week I'd spend my time in the little loser borough of Parsippany called Lake Hiawatha, of which her house is not more than a hundred feet from Lake Hiawatha school of where I used to attend first grade and the next week I'd be going to New York City to peddle my Deposit Man wares.

She was ok with that - BUT she kept insisting on going with me so that we could go to a Broadway show together-

And I wasn't really down with that.

I'm not a Broadway show going kind of guy.

But my aunts and schmoes I knew growing up with in Parsippany that I currently talk to on Facebook - kept insisting that taking your mom to a Broadway show would be the RIGHT thing to do.

I sayth - Stick it up thou ass.

I'm not going to a Broadway and that's it -

Unless it was the show in which Linda Freeman (now Yarosh), my ex-high school girlfriend's youngest daughter was performing in called Billy Elliot.

But my mom insisted on seeing Jersey Boys or some other annoying shit.

Couldn't reach a compromise- so we dropped the subject.

And then it started fucking raining.

Raining a lot - which really put a damper on my plans for next week- but I'll get into that more on next week's blog.

That Wednesday - the jet lag hadn't really settled in yet and my mom introduced me to her new puppy - don't ask me about the breed or mixed breed- it's already been purged out of my memory banks but here's a picture to determine for yourselves:

My mom insisted that throughout the duration of my stay - would I terribly mind taking "BeBe" out for walks while she was at work.

Which in response gets that wave away hand gesture of reply: "Yeah sure Mom, no problem."

My mom made me a sandwich to eat and went back to work, leaving me alone in the house with the pets, which in addition to BeBe, there's Tootsie the Cat and Tweety the Canary.

The cat's still a vicious bitch just as I remembered. The canary's fucking screeching is just as I remembered, except that there's only one of them now. There were two last year, but one keeled over on it's perch and died while my aunt Priscilla was visiting from New Mexico last Christmas. However this dog was a unexpected handful that I hadn't anticipated on.

It was so excited at seeing me, that it jumped up on a new chair to greet me that it unleashed a jet stream of urine to go splattering everywhere. Had to call mom at work to tell her.

She wasn't happy about that.

Then I took the dog out for a walk - just around the block or so...

Didn't put the leash on right.

Little fucker pulls on me and the leash snaps.

Dog runs.

I chase dog.

Afraid dog will get hit by car.

Horrid flashbacks come haunting me of visit back in 1998 that resulted in accident with a cat.

Oh no, not a-fucking again.

Luckily dog does not run across busy Vail Road and goes running towards back yard of Lake Hiawatha school.

Children are playing in the schoolyard.

It dawns on me - this is school where I first learned to read Dick, Jane, and Sally books.

If I catch that dog I am going to kill Spot.

Having a numbing effect on my psyche.

Children stop to play with dog.

Children stopping to play with dog calms me down.

I take the dog and carry her all the way back home.

Not a good day on my first day of visiting. Now jet lag really sets in.

So while I'm there in Lake Hiawatha, I also renew acquaintances with Steve Conti, owner of Lake Hiawatha's first ever comic book specialty store, Funny Books. Steve's store certainly sticks out like a four color sore thumb on the main drag of Lake Hiawatha that's rifed with seven or so pizzerias, a dozen beauty parlors, two dozen liquor stores and bars, and a Foodtown supermarket ( oh, somewhere within, a bunch of muslims managed to open a mosque which probably houses a bunch of gnatty looking terrorists for all I know).

Who the hell would want to open a comic book store in the middle of nowheresville? Steve, who used to the ex-husband of superstar comic book artist Amanda Connor apparently grew up in the area the same as I did and still remembers fondly the days when Gould's Stationers ( where the post office now stands) was the place to get all the hottest Marvel and DC comics before Direct Market specialty stores settled in and yanked the thunder out of newstand distribution. Yeah, when I was a tyke growing up in the mid-seventies - I'd peddle my three speed bike ( and later on in high school - upgraded to a ten speed) all the way from my apartment at Vail Gardens to Gould Stationers to get the latest scoop on Spider-Man, Conan, Captain America, Iron Man to Batman and Superman with just a weekly dollar allowance ( they cost 20 cents to a quarter back in those days). Now you're lucky to get the same damn amount for $20.00. Surprisingly enough, Steve does possess the weekly clientele in the area to keep his head above water, although he says he's been suffering of late because of the economy- but he was happy to try out to see if a copy or two of the Deposit Man would go on his shelf or not.

Mom and I were getting together just fine until my mom asked me if I wouldn't mind go to visit my great aunt Barbara who's currently being holed up in some senior hospice out in Wayne one Sunday afternoon.

Wasn't really part of my itinerary - but I suppose I'd have to make peace with her at some point - since the rest of the family has sort of forgiven her for what happened between her and my Uncle Max.

Maybe I covered this subject three years ago on the blog when WORLD WAR RIKKI LIXXX THREE first broke out.

Fast recap: The day when I first found out my aunt Barbara was somewhat responsible for the death of my Uncle Max by leaving her house to go on a trip somewhere, and therefore leaving my uncle to starve to death. because he was too invalid to feed himself was the very same day that I lashed out at Rikki ( an ex-gal pal neighbor of mine who was a amateur porn actress and later discovered to be a bone-a-fide pill popping prostitute and who is now a horrible distant memory ) on the grounds of HAZELTINE HELLMOUTH for soliciting to give blow jobs for money to a bunch of Israeli exchange students living below my apartment. That was back in 2006.

And my immediate reaction to her doing that to my uncle was akin to what I saw Tony Soprano wanting to do to his own mother on a episode of the Sopranos.

Fluff up a pillow.

So I went and drove out with my mom in the backwoods of Montville to find a Hamburg Turnpike or whatever and my mom....

...gets lost and starts flipping out.

All because she didn't google the address properly.

As if it's my fault.

So we stop a couple jogging in some ritzy looking neighborhood, who were more than eager to give us directions and we finally found the place. My mom was upset because the courts in charge of her estate had moved her from a hospital that was easily accessible to my mom's location to a hospice that was way on the other side of town. However when we found the new place, my mom was pretty happy because it resembled a little built in town community ( reminded me somewhat of the village set of the old "Prisoner" tv show.) and had separate cottages and big spacious rooms and remarked that it was a much better cleaner facility than what she was staying in before.

However, my Aunt Barbara didn't even recognize who the hell I was- but she definitely remembered my mom. And our stay wasn't for very long. We maybe got to spend fifteen minutes or so until we were ushered out by the staff because all patients had to eat dinner at exactly 5:00 on the dot. And even then, the nurse came in and said that a another patient made a complaint against her because my aunt got into a argument just an hour ago.

And my aunt didn't remember having that argument.

Which just goes to show...

I put the pillow down.

There will be no justice to dispense here today. This whole scene was pathetic.

On the way back, my aunt Priscilla calls me on the cellphone from New Mexico and just wonders if my mom and I had a chance to go visit Barbara - and I was wondering if she was psychic or not.

I told her Barbara didn't seem to have too much to say to me since she can't even remember who the fuck I was and I just added this little tabloid tid bit about what my mom and her talked about and I slipped something of what I thought I overheard my mom wanting to bring some stuff over to put on her shelves since they were so bare...

And my mom starts flipping out on me again:

" YOU KNOW YOU'RE A REAL PIECE OF WORK!! I DID NOT SAY THAT I WAS WANTING TO BRING STUFF TO PUT ON BARBARA's SHELF - I ASKED HER, IF SHE WOULD MIND PUTTING UP SOME OF HER STUFF ON HER SHELF."

"EVER SINCE YOU WERE A KID YOU ALWAYS DISTORTED THE TRUTH. "

Holy shit, mom -calm the fuck down. It was if she were possessed by the spirit of my stepfather..

Distort the truth?

Holy shit - then there was another outburst incident just before my sister came to visit the following day when my mom brings out this dusty old stringless guitar and throws it on my guest bed:

"MAKE SURE THE NEXT TIME YOU SEE YOUR FATHER THAT HE GETS HIS GUITAR BACK."

"What - I thought you gave me a guitar to take back to him like ten years ago??"

Then my mom really starts to blow her stack:

"WHAT YOU MEAN, YOU TOOK A GUITAR BACK TO HIM"???

"Yeah, it's in his living room in Vegas!!"

"THAT ISN'T HIS GUITAR - THAT'S YOUR GUITAR!! I BOUGHT THAT FOR YOU FOR CHRISTMAS!! FOR YOU TO TAKE LESSONS ON - BUT YOU THREW THE STUPID THING ASIDE AND WANTED TO BUY THAT FUCKING DUMB LITTLE KEYBOARD!!"

Actually - that was my first synthesizer my mom was referring to....

"I thought my dad bought that "

" YOUR REAL FATHER DIDN'T BUY YOU SHIT!! YOUR DAD ....."

No need to divulge further - the distortion is so plain to see from that point on.

She keeps referring to my stepfather - as MY flesh and blood father - which has been an idiotic downhill battle ever since I was four to five years old- I never referred to her departed constant philandering husband Roger as my father AT ALL - never even registered or acknowledged it even while I was kid all throughout high school - I never counted on or asked him for anything -

...except to rough up John Byron, a classmate of mine who stole a stack of Black Sabbath and Ozzy Osbourne concert tickets that I was scalping in high school from my locker, but other than that, I'm pretty much a self made manchild.

But my mom, she gets on this power trip. Doesn't ever acknowledge that my grandfather Harold Shannon - o ' ye mighty creator of Bosco Chocolate syrup was the one who drove the wedge between my dad and mom, so my mom was free to marry some other egotistical maniac to control my life. 'It's Roger who did this for you, Roger who did that for you...' Fucking let it go, already!!

I couldn't fucking stand it - it was lucky my sister came around for dinner that night...

I was happy to see the niece and nephews again.

I even remember their names now....

My (half)sister Bernadette..

My (half) brother-in-law Peter Vallorsi ( went to school with his older sisters)

Aldo is the oldest of my nephews. Going on 11 years. He was named after a character in the Planet of The Apes, General Aldo. Don't know why sister settled on that. She wasn't particularly fond of that show. We also used to fight over Friday nights on tv. Planet of the Apes and Little House on the Prairie used to conflict with each other in 1974.

My niece - Blaise - which was also my step-father's last name BTW

Ty - named after a baseball player.

Shay - the youngest and the most cry baby of the bunch.

So my mom's golden climacteric moments were given a brief respite over a roasted chicken dinner with dumplings and so ends this portion of my New Jersey adventure.

My mom and Aldo.

My brother in law Aldo snaps a picture of my sister Bernadette and I discussing of why my new Deposit Man book is nothing but a major piece of filth and why it's not going to be read to her kids at bedtime.

Next week - lots of rain in New York. What it was like being a California Angels fan walking the streets of the Big Apple, plus the area comic book stores' reaction to the new Deposit Man book...

Currently listening:
The Whirlwind
By Transatlantic
Release date: 2009-10-26

5:55 PM

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Thursday, November 05, 2009

Doo Doo Snakes on a Plane: Part One: Three Nights, Three MySpace Gal Pals
Current mood:

accomplished

DOO DOO SNAKES ON A PLANE

Part One: Three Nights of Three Myspace Gal Pals..

Had a great time out in San Francisco and New York, but as soon as my plane touches the tarmac, all chaos breaks loose (as does my bowels for four times during the coarse of the five and a half hour flight. Mom must have given some bad meat in a can or something) - but at the end, there's a bright light at the end at the ramrod rainbow.

This blog may or may not be written today due to a very stressful job interview that I must complete. Can you guess which big entertainment mogul is interested in me now???

I'll try to be back later tonight or tomorrow.

For now I must study.

For the faithful followers: Three weeks ago I was blathering on and on about getting all my Deposit Man products ( the last seven issues I've done over the past eight years) and going up to San Francisco to sell them at this year's APE show. APE is a true and tired old acronym for Alternative Press Expo and it's a special annex show put on every year by the fine folks of Comic Con International to showcase comic books and comic book professionals who sell their books independently and not through major distribution channels such as that abhorrent Diamond Comic Distributors.

I did slightly better than last year, because last year's show heavy rains kept the big crowds away. I didn't sell enough to make the cost of my table- but I was happy that I blew out a lot of old stock such as my first two titles, The Deposit Man Kaleidoscopic Medicine Freak Show and The Deposit Man Survival Guide to the Afterlife of which I was only selling for a dollar apiece. Sadly, not many patrons was interested in plucking down $2.50 or so for the latest Deposit Man: Playgod mini-series. Only a handful were sold - BUT I was definitely ecstatic to finally land a small distribution deal with Prism Comics - who took a good chunk of stock from me to put up on their website. Like I may have mentioned before- Prism Comics caters to a certain clientele of customers: gay friendly comics. I have stated in this blog several times that I don't make boners about it: The Deposit Man has admitted to certain bouts of homosexual beliefs and activities - but I don't publicly use that as a selling tool (gulp) to people. I usually leave that to that for the readers to discover for themselves.

Once I checked into the dodgy Rodeway Inn off of 9th and Mission ( where winos would just whip out their dicks without warning and piss in the middle of the street as if there were a Ocean Spray convention in town) I proceeded to the APE cocktail mixer that took place at the distribution offices of Last Gasp - another company that won't distribute my book (and not very much of anyone else's for that matter- so why do they bother to host this every year for us little starving Marvins?)- unless I collect them all in a trade paperback ( The 32 page pamphlet is dying they tell me). But none the less, it's always like stepping into a twisted and grotesque wonderland, much like the stage set of Carnivale, if you'd will

Entrance to the Last Gasp Amusment Room

Player Pianos, pinball machines, lifelike wax statues of Bruce Lee, and a massive labyrinth of a warehouse filled to the rim of light and hard core erotica books, comic strip collections such as Tin Tin, Asterix, and Little Nemo in Slumberland, and not to mention a great no host bar and party spread.

I picked up my badges and then my long time myspace 2nd in command, Ms. Sex in Stilettos texts me to come deliver her badge at her workplace, which is the Hustler Club up in the North Beach area of town.

I get up there and find out I have to pay a $15.00 admission fee to get in the place (which Ms. Sex in Stilettos neglected to inform me) and hang out with her for a bit while she's playing hostess. She tells me that she's got the flu and can't wait to get off shift because she feels like shit. I give her her badge and she tells me she'll let me know when she's ready to meet me at the show.

However, I kind of liked the Hustler Club, way better than the old Velvet Lion she used to work in Vegas, because none of the girls cuntblocked each other to get at me. They all must have thought I was ugly or something- because I walked out spending less than $40.

However - Ms. Sex in Stilettos was too sick and out of it to join me on Saturday and texted me to apologize that she couldn't make it.

I was cool about it- I didn't want to be responsible for setting off Stiletto anthrax into the air and most importantly I didn't want to make sure I caught anything before my date with another anonymous myspace gal pal that night, codename: Kerstan.

I hadn't seen Kerstan in perhaps three or four years. I was going to go on a date with her last year when I was town, but last year when I was in town, the hotel I stayed at had put a freeze on my entire bank account until I checked out because they wanted a deposit on my room from me. So I was left with only $16.00 in my pocket to go sight see with. Not really enough for a filet mignon followed by a cunnilingus pudding pie surprise.

But this year, I was really impressed with her. She told me before taking my cock in her mouth, that I really left a lasting impression on her: she specifically remembered a friendly bizarre prank I played on her. She compared to me to a alchemist. I used to have this thing about maneuvering girls to stand in front of a mirror while I stood behind and perhaps diddle them from behind and ask them if they see anything unusual in the mirror staring back at them. There's something strangely erotic about seeing my finger inserting itself into some girl's pussy from the view of a mirror, I don't know what it is - I guess guys are visual like that - BUT however, I used to pull this gag:

I'd take a piece of paper and I would scrawl on it: I can't wait to eat you out or the number 69 - only spelled backward and only decipherable when read in the mirror.

Well Kerstan, was so wet from spotting that - that she would just explode right in my hands - her whole pussy area would just be drenched with her natural flowing love juices and we would just fuck and grind for hours going into wee hours of the morning that my cock would nearly lie close to bleeding afterwards.

Do you know where I learned this trick?

Why from Zatanna of course:

The image “http://fc07.deviantart.net/fs33/f/2008/304/c/e/ZATANNA_by_felipemassafera.jpg” cannot be displayed, because it contains errors.

The image “http://fc07.deviantart.net/fs33/f/2008/304/c/e/ZATANNA_by_felipemassafera.jpg” cannot be displayed, because it contains errors.

Yeah, Zatanna - super magician heroine supreme of the DC Universe.

Whenever Zatanna would conjure a spell to ward off interglactic bad guys - she would recite sentences and phrases backwards. And the only way someone reading these sentences and phrases could tell what she was saying in her word balloons - was to hold the comic book up to the mirror.

Such as this: !! yssup rouy tae annaw I

No go on - hold this blog up to a mirror- you'll see what I'm talking about.

Anyway it's guaranteed to give the gal pals hot flashes into their panties and their vaginas will instantly melt in your mouth - and isn't that the only thing that counts?

So - I was absolutely flattered when Kerstan pulled this piece of post it note paper from out of her purse and reminded me of a past fleeting moment of erotic creativity. For a moment there, I thought I lost the Coatney mojo.

However I didn't go around telling this to Ms.Sex in Stillettos when she DID show up the next day at the APE show.

In all her brilliant corseted splendor. It was awesome of her to show up and hang out with me, giving me time to get up and take pee breaks and buy stuff that people were selling at the show. We sat and argued about how Jamba Juice is so unhealthy for you in between dollar shots that people were throwing at us for the old two books mentioned above.

I was happy to see her - and this was the first time in all our outings that she cost me less money. SHE even refused to take $50.00 from me for showing up - money she could have used to put gas in her tank.

Later, after the show, I was supposed to meet up with another longtime myspace gal pal - Genevieve for a dinner date at the Fisherman's Wharf- but something weird happened concerning leaving her wallet in the back seat of a friend's car and had to postpone our first date to the next morning for breakfast. I said that was cool, as I had to pick up souvenirs for my mom and my nieces and nephews back east anyway. So I had my usual Fisherman's Wharf delicacy: Clam Chowder in a Bread Bowl- which in turn gave me diarrhea snakes on the plane ride back to Burbank.

I was a little nervous in meeting Genevieve for the first time- she's a beautiful wandering little waif nomad of a girl that goes from place to place working as a certified public accountant.

She even refused to let me pick up the check - we've been talking to each other on and off for three years now, that they were was definitely a lot of anticipation of how we hit it in person.

When I used to e-mail and talk to her on the cellphone for twenty minutes or more - I was under the impression that she was a full fledged liberal - but after a few touchy political subjects thrown in the conversation we had over omelets - my ears were actually burning after realizing how much she's converted to hardcore conservatism - which is fine with me. It's refreshing sometimes to listen to someone with a opposite viewpoint than you as long as they convey it in a non hysterical manner which she does admirably- plus I find irresistible hard not to disagree with her or throw in opposing talking points when she's so gosh darn beautiful to look at!!

Once more, after boarding the plane and touching down on Burbank soil I emerged the conquering hero - (with the exception of that twinge touch of the ghirardelli squirts):

Three days of three gal pals.

Let's see you beat that.

Currently watching:
Star Wars The Clone Wars: The Complete Season One (TV Series)
Release date: 2009-11-03

6:45 PM

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Thursday, October 29, 2009

If Your Blog Isn't Delivered in Thirty Minutes or Less....

IF YOUR BLOG ISN'T DELIVERED IN THIRTY MINUTES OR LESS....

Then you're not entitled to one, you chump!!

Seriousily - what's been happening here of late? Where's the communication? Where are those golden days of yesteryear when all you female myspace gal pals would be on your knees throwing me your filthy soiled cyber panties??

Where are all those cheesecake shots that used to fight for dominance on my comments pages?? For days on end, I'd get tons and tons of skimpy shot skinloads of pics - and now like a contraction, they only come days apart??

Where are the days of yore - when blow jobs in a myspace gal pal's backyard were so offered freely.

Where are all those days when I would ask so nicely for a pitch in blog from any one of you wet and willing myspace gal pals in exchange for a mere hot pulsating finger bang excursion just by snapping??

Well - you know what?? For your careless neglect of late...

You're all going to have to be punished....

And that means, you're all going to have to suffer through another week of REPEAT INDIGNITY.

Until you all come to your senses and demand to put my penis in your mouth, you will be bombarded with more useless asinine unimportant bloggery.....

And you will not be coming out until I say so.

YOU UNDERSTAND???

BLOG NAZI SAYS:

NO NEW BLOG FOR YOU!!!!

Now go to your room and stay there!

I'm so disappointed in all of you.

Reprinted from www.purplepinupguru.blogspot.com from 2005 and 2006.

AND THE TOWER RECORDS STRUCK DOWN!!

The PP Guru is lamenting the demise of the one of the greatest retail institutions to ever exist in the world of man.

Last Friday, this e-mail memo was distributed to all department heads of the West Sacramento office of Tower Records:

'The fat lady has sung ....and she was way off-key, Thank you, Thank You'

Tower Records will cease to exist this coming Friday. All hopes of being rescued by bankruptcy are forever dashed. A deal by JR Music World on the east coast have failed and all stores will be closing by week's end.

The PP Guru was officially the last one to use the Sherman Oaks location's Ticketmaster last Monday night before they close that department down by the stroke of midnight when he purchased one ticket for tonight's performance of Porcupine Tree and the Tony Levin Band.

Where will the PP Guru get his concert tickets now?

Where now will the PP Guru get his rare prog rock CDs and DVD's imported from England and other European countries who know excellent musicanship and integrity when they hear it?

Where will Shannon Wheeler hock his monthly Too Much Coffee Man Magazine now?

The PP Guru bid adieu to a wonderous company who kept the PP Guru happy with some of his entertainment values to be stuck on his shelves

After 46 years, Sniff.

Good night Sunset Blvd.

~

Coat

GURU: STRANGE NEW TV FALL SEASON STIRRINGS BELOW THE PP GURU'S BELT!!

C'mon, you all know that the hottest looking furburger in Robert Rodriguez's adaptation of Frank Miller's Sin City wasn't Jaime King, Rosario Dawson, Brittney Murphy or Alexis Bledel. Even Jessica Alba wasn't all that hyped.

When it all comes down to hands down brass knuckled honesty - hoochie koochie mama Carla Gugino took away all honors. When she first appears on the screen, as Mickey Rourke's Marv parole officer Lucille all naked in silhouette, the PP Guru nearly bursted a vein in his pulsatron pelvis and had to be escorted by paramedics after his tub of buttery sunflower oiled popcorn exploded.

The PP Guru's first exposure to Carla was when she starred in the short lived US Karen Sisco series that was loosely inspired by a Elmore Leonard novel on a tough but tender female US Federal Marshall. The ABC-TV series didn't last for very long and was cancelled just a handful of episodes were set to air. The PP Guru feels that series should be DVD deputized for prosperity.

Now Carla is given another shot at tv stardom - (not that she really needs it- she's already immortalized as the spy kid mom in the series of Robert Rodriguez's Spy Kids movies) starring as the female lead in tonight's series premiere of Threshold - a new science fiction adventure (a whole new slew of genre series are making their debuts all this and new week- including Supernatural, Invasion, Ghost Whisperer, Surface and Night Stalker) debuting on most of your CBS stations (9 PM Est/Pac 8 PM Cen) that has Gugino as a risk analyst who puts her team of eccentric genuises to make first contact with a alien race. The series also stars "Roc" Charles S. Dutton and Brent Spiner (ST:NG's Data).

The PP Guru is definitely tuning in - with a fresh bottle of Jurgen's and a full box of Kleenex's by his side. Hey. who says that network television isn't arousing. There are more beauties to plunder this new Fall TV season and the PP Guru will talk about more of them next week... Rub a dub dub magic genie potion.

Just riding aboard the hoochie koochie choo choo train on the exchange of fluid express to:

~

Coat

7:23 PM

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Thursday, October 22, 2009

Our Regularly Scheduled Blog Won't Be Seen Tonight...

OUR REGULARLY SCHEDULED BLOG WON'T BE SEEN TONIGHT...

Because I'm still jetlagged and cranky from yesterday, plus I just had a harrowing incident walking my mom's new puppy. The damn lease snapped and I had to chase her for about four blocks where I finally caught her at a old school where I attended first grade. Luckily kids were outside playing and the dog stopped to be petted, and that's when I grabbed her.

So I sent out the clarion call to fellow myspace gal pals for a pitch blogger.

And they can't do it.

Here's Noelle Snow White Queen's excuse via some text messaging:

"Who's this?"

"What do you mean, who's this? Who else would ask you to write a substitute blog on a Thursday??"

"You have a point. What time would you be needing it by?"

"Sometime tomorrow mid-afternoon. I'm on New York Time."

" Ah okay. Well, I have a long school day tomorrow unfortunely, so I don't think I can. Good luck finding a replacement."

Gee thanks Noelle, Snow White Queen- school work. Don't let a education stop you for helping a writing mentor such as myself deter you for doing me a favor. Now for your insubordination, my cock won't be on your trophy shelf anytime soon until well past your twenty-first birthday. And I'm placing that call to Bono sometime soon that won't paint you in a flattering light.

So then I turned to MJ69 - a woman who's always pestering me to hop on a 747 to Tampa so I can apply first hand to her my uncanny cunnilingus mutant abilities. Here's what she had to say:

"hey babe...dont hate me but I can't do the blog thurs...im still not feelin well n I dnt think ill have enough time before work :( ill make it up to u"

Sickness?? I don't have time in my professional schedule to sit around with some measley minor contrivance such as the Swiney Flu. Suck down a Airborne tablet for cripessakes - or my corndog for that matter. And all the trouble I went to get your name embroidered on a grain of rice.

These myspace gal pals - you ask them to do you a favor in a pinch - and my ass gets enormously pinched for it. Can't count on them for anything except to get my boner worked up...

Well, that's not entirely true - three of my myspace gal pals came through for me while I was in San Francisco last weekend - but I'm way too weary to blog about it now, so instead you get...

Repeats from six to five years ago on www.purplepinupguru.blogspot.com

There, are you happy now???

From October 13, 2003

FEETS DON'T FAIL ME NOW!!

It's going to be a week of conflicting crisises for me.

The big humdinger is that I sent off all the materials for the new Deposit Man book off to Brenner Printing with fingers crossed that it will be completed on time. The bad news is that I'm hoping that they don't cash the biggest check I have ever written in my entire life until Thursday- because if they do cash it between tomorrow or Wednesday- I'm going to be close to $200 in the hole! I'd rather that this check goes through than my rent check which, now matter how I slice it- there's going to be an overdraft - but if it's only my rent check which I have to write on Wednesday night- it'll only be short $7.00! I guess from here on, it's a race against time of the two lesser insufficent funds evils. Now I've got people who I owe money to calling me up or sending collectors' notices. My Columbia tape club sent my name to an agency saying that I owe 31 and change for a lousy Batman tape that I didn't pay for. My storage unit jacked up my rent again and I can't give them a penny for another two weeks. AND on top of that I have to send out show merchandise to my dad's place in Vegas and I'm can't imagine how much that is going to set me back. And I still have to pony up $200 for my plane reservation. It's a never ending soap opera with me. But I keep telling myself that the pain and tribulations that went behind the production of this book has been worth it even though I'm set not to profit off the initial 500 copies I'm printing in time for this convention.

Crisis No 2.

When Oliver (Simonsen?)came over to drop off the materials, my cat, the Ferocious Nikita came by over to check out how everyone was all doing. She's been going out on little jaunts lately that keeps her away for days at time- although she has been coming in at night to see what's been left on her plate (she has a special entrance to the house through one of the bathrooms and you tell by when her weight hits the toilet tank when she decides to come home. No one worries that anyone will break in the house because only she is small enough to fit through the window). Well, this was the first full view I've had of her in a few days, and let me tell you, I was mortified- she looked like she went through the wringer with a coyote or something because nearly half the left side of her face has been gnawed off. There's a shitload of fur missing and she's has gashes on her ears and near her eyes. I freaked out in front of Oliver and immediately took her and locked her in my bathroom upstairs. When business was concluded between Oliver and I, I took wet tissues and some Neosporin and cleaned up her wounds despite her protests. I then took her back downstairs, closed every goddamn window in the house, including her entrance, and locked her in the den at night with a litter box and some food and water. Damn cat needs to start staying in at night- because before we know it- the vermin will start getting the message that she isn't around protecting the premises anymore.

Crisis No 3.

Goddamn it- if the MTA goes on strike at midnight tonight (again? The last one was three years ago)- I'm going to be up shit creek without a paddle and I don't have the spare change lying around to take taxis in the morning or to rent a car. There are two co-op operating lines in Sherman Oaks- but they will only take me as so far as to the main lot and I will have to take an extra hour to walk up to the Burbank Airport close to where I work.

This, is of course - FUCKING BULLSHIT! The last strike (which cost me a temp gig working for a nail polish manufactor in Chatsworth) was geared towards drivers not getting compensated for overtime and not enough hours- this one is geared towards the mechanics and their bullshit problems. I wish when they negotiated the last strike, it would be sunny shit spectacular if they took care of everyone's fucking needs while our then erstwhile mayor, Richard Riordin was out fucking bicyling in France.

I need this now like I need another fucking crazy straw enema. The timing couldn't be more perfect.

From October 20, 2003

DISSECTING THE DEPOSIT MAN

The MTA mechanic's strike is now a week old and there's no end in sight.

They can go fuck themselves in their empty crow pecked out eyesockets for all I care. Same thing with the Ralph's and Von's employees who think they have the wool pulled over my our eyes- gee, I think we can all do without perserved food and chemically treated frozen dinners for a month or so - not when you got real grocery stores that sells chemically untreated food and fresh fare without the pesticides like Whole Foods Market or Trader Joe's. So it's a little expensive- if you really want the crappy added fat and vegatable shortening, there's Gelson's - but prepared to pay a preminium for the same horseshit.

The new Deposit Man book is now at the printer and it has a honorable mention on the Las Vegas Comic Con homepage www.lasvegascomiccon.com . When I come back from Vegas- plan wills be underway to get the Deposit Man and the Last Great Gate of Mortality Act Two on track for a quicker release in Feb or Mar and then Act Three I don't expect until next summer's San Diego Comic Con with the first two being reprinted to be solicited in Diamond. I will probably be giving exclusive distribution to FM International or Cold Cut, since they treat independent creators with more respect than Geppi gung ho saturation of mainstream publisher products. I'm still on that kick, after so many years. I also want to sign up for a table for next year's APE- but my mantra has always been to work on one show at a time.

Once people become familiar with the new book- I will be going into length about how some of the ideas came to be- I know people are panting to know where I came up for the idea of Marty's perverted scrapbook or the drug store shootout.

~

Coat

From October 23, 2003

ECHOES GOES ON AND ON IN THE KINGDOM OF NOISE

The dangblasted MTA strike is still ongoing and continues to put a halt to my normal procession of life. No sneaks onto the studio lot to catch up with what's going on with Constantine. More strange invoices have been coming via my desk - surprisingly, some deal with that fake ambulance prop I saw park out front - for doll and window panels. Furnishings for an apartment have been creeping in for the character Angela , which I believe is being portrayed by Rachel Weisz. Studio rental invoices state that each of the five stages have four months of rental left until the end of principle photography.

I'm being berated by some of my co-workers because I haven't seen Kill Bill Volume 1 yet, but not just due to my lack of transportation - it's also my lack of cash to spare due to the plunking down of a couple of grand I put into the production of the latest Deposit Man book. I'm behind on a lot of my favorite media outlets including my prog CD spending sprees, DVD rentals and purchases, and I haven't seen any new movies in almost a month. Although, I did put the new Matrix Reloaded on my credit card and I plan on the same with the new Batman Animated movie: The Mystery of The Batwoman - both essentials to my lifeblood.
I haven't even been keeping up with what's going on in the industry that I want so much to be a part of- largely the comic book publishing business. So much stuff to catch up on. Good thing network television is free otherwise, my life would be in a total shambles without my cop and sci-fi shows.

Well, I'll be headed to Vegas a week from today to premiere the new Deposit Man book at the Las Vegas Comic Con and so far everyone on my father's side of the family seems to be impressed so far- they haven't actually held the product in their hands yet- but my brother Matt is certainly estatic that the merest mention of the book made it as a headline on the news page of the Con's website. He e-mailed to tell me that he alerted all his friends in that no good looking piece of ass land Nebraska -where everyone is dull as watching a cornstalk grow. I sure he comes to his senses one day and moves someplace where a decent percentage of civilization exists. We'll all probably go out to celebrate out to eat somewhere and have to a chance to get a real meal in my stomach ever since this saving up money fiasco started. Also, I'll be having a face to face second encounter with my niece, Laura- and that will be fun. It's real trip out that I'm now old enough to be somebody's uncle.

~

Coat

From October 19, 2004:

LAID OUT IN A LITANY OF LINTBALLS

Not enough time to write to my heart's content. Originally I was going to gush over my love for the mid-seventies cop buddy show, Starsky & Hutch, of which I'm re-living pleasant memories through the second season dvd box set that I'm pacing myself to only watch on weekend nights paired up with a brilliant, but canceled, only to be revived on dvd series such as the American/British cop dramedy called Keen Eddie or Chris Carter's underrated Harsh Realm. Both are available on DVD and I can't recommend them enough- especially if they include unaired episodes.

But there's too much going on to get into right of the moment. It's been extremely busy- my department is currently updated data for some kind of entertainment directory. It's a fun project, but it's takes a shitload of time- so lots and lots of overtime was a mandatory requirement of everyone involved in my department- except that some got their vacation days in because it was requested in advance of when the project first started. I'm sort of in second in command of the project, or least a lot of requires my expertise more than others, because I understand most of the data and where it goes - and I have this unique ability to differentiate between a e-mail address and a website address. You'd be surprised of many people who still can't tell the difference, even when they're on the blasted computers for eight to ten a hours a day. We had to back and correct those mistakes- plus I had to convince the crew that some people actually do use the _ sign on their e-mail address to separate first and last names without breaking the thread between the @ and the .com. So we're all finishing the first third of the directory and waiting for the second part to come down the pike. Found some interesting celebrities among the debris- such big names such as Francis Ford Coppola and Dick Clark- both e-mail addresses and phone numbers. Maybe I'll get the nerve to ring up Francis one day and ask if Sophia is available.

On top of the overtime I had to rush to a couple of Border's Books and check out ASIA doing a acoustic performance in support of the new album, Silent Nation, which was released a few months back on the InsideOut Music label. Former Buggles/Yes keyboardist Geoff Downes and singer/bassist John Payne performed roughly a 45 minute set consisting of new material and some of their older tunes on a single keyboard and a guitar followed by a meet and greet afterwards. I've hung out with Geoff and John before a few years back after a show that they did in LA - so I didn't know if they would remember me or not- but Geoff did remember me and John was the one who had the memory lapse until I reminded him of the girls that were hanging with us backstage. It was good to renew their acquaintance and I can't wait to hear the full blown electric tour that they will commence in either March or April of next year.

Well, after a convversation with a Diamond Comics representative, it doesn't look like that the Deposit Man will be in the catalog anytime soon until I can show them all three completed issues of the Last Great Gate of Mortality of which I said he's expect to see by the end of the year. Y'know, the way they do business with new companies is simply deplorable. They get on this stupid platform of theirs and announce to the world of how much they celebrate diversity , when in fact , what they really cajole about is that they only welcome adversity. The rep told me, the very same rep who examined the book at last winter's APE told me flat out that Diamond would take my book in a heartbeat simply because of all the improvements I made to the product- but yet here I am again - in front of a vast right wing conspiracy committee who is going to judge me by twelve and have me dragged out by six. I didn't know I was entering a fucking beauty contest- if I was, I'd probably would have included a application or an enrollment fee along with my submission. So I told the rep- would it help more if I had included a check for the payment of a ad. He told me, it probably would increase my chances of being excepted in their little 'executive boys-club', but he couldn't make any guarantees. Fucking figures- it's all about the moola.

I got pinched by the scum bag IRS this week. Me and a phone rep had a sweet little heart to heart. I think they can relate as to how I came to the conclusions of how I think their organization is somehow linked to terrorism and I will never ever grant them the satisfaction of writing a check with the words I R S on them. We came to some resolution of how to fix things up, but I don't have time to get into it here.

With the OT for the rest of the year cloudbusting over my head- I also made plans to get in my last of vacation licks in by flying out to Vegas next week to see my niece and my brother and hang out at my dad's joint- so I'll be transmitting from that spot for the next entry- which will hopefully pick up from my love odyssey on DVD left off.

~

Coat

A GENTLE GIANT SLEEPING IN UNQUIET SLUMBERS

Las Vegas isn't as fucking great as it's cracked up to be- judging by the funky occurances that happened on my last trip. Of what I had hoped it to be was a combination of a massive gambling spree to get myself ahead of the game before the IRS comes closing in on me for the kill and a yearly family reunion with my dad, brother, and my little niece Laura. What it actually turned out to be was a out of control Jackson siphoning losing streak even though I came close to hitting two jackpots. On one progressive I had hit three red sevens and got a pay out of $92 and another one this morning at the McCarron Airport netted me $74, but like a dickhead I couldn't leave well enough alone- I had to keep playing until it was time that they called my flight number back to Burbank and I walked away with $12 less than what I originally had my pocket. I'm never going to fucking learn.

On late Sunday, while my brother and my niece and I got lost in a rented car on the 215 to visit his mother (who btw used to be a restaurant critic for The Las Vegas Review) I started to feel a little weary- hoping it was some kind of allergy attack kicking in started to worsen on Monday morning and then presto, it turned out to be a full blown flu on Tuesday morning. I had to call in my work place in Burbank and tell them that there was no way in hell I was going to make it in by Wednesday morning and that I was going to have to postpone my flight back by another day. Fucking Southwest Airlines charged me an additional $65 to my credit card. The trip was a total financial disaster- but then, aren't all trips to Vegas in a vain attempt to get yourself out of fiscal hot water supposed to self destruct in your face?

On top of that, my six old niece looks to me as if I'm Freddy from Nightmare on Elms Street- she won't say anything to me when I'm in the same room with her and IF I'm in the same room with her- her first reaction is run screaming up the stairs to her guest bedroom at my dad's house. I've heard that I have a reputation of being a Scary Cary, but this is goddamn ridicious. I don't know what the heck I've done to piss in her Trix cereal, even though everytime I come out to see her I shower her with gifts from the studio lot. I can't figure it out. I really suck at child behavioral science - so that's probably why I don't have any.

AND ON TOP of everything else- I'm calling Obi Wan Danobi and checking out Heidi MacDonald's blog on my dad's computer (which doesn't allow me to send e-mail out) at the same time and the news from both of these sources sends me off on another spell of respiratory spastic coughing fits concerning Golden Apple Comics founder, Bill Liebowitz dead of a heart attack at the age of 63.

I was completely and utterly flabbergasted. I could hardly believe my eyes - If the presidental campaign were to really pull a October surprise (i.e. Kerry practically raising Clinton from the dead in helping to secure votes or Georgie girl W actually lowering his IQ another 10 points?) then the comic book industry's version really slapped us with a whammy this time around.

All that is going through my head right now is how is the city of Los Angeles is going to cope with the passing of it's first and only superstar of comic book retailers? I mean, this gentle giant of a guy was a pioneer in the development of what a comic book store should aspire to in areas of customer service, sharp looking continuously stocked shelves, great decor, and a over all safe shopping environment. Everytime I found myself stepping foot in Bill's store on Melrose Ave - it was if you'd walked into a party and Bill was always the guy who was serving up the trays of hors d'oeuvres. That store was Bill's party planet where you could find yourself mingling with some of the Hollywood power broker elite and not even know it! I remember just a little over a year ago, I was in the store to check out a rumor that my first issue of the Deposit Man and the Last Great Gate of Mortality was being carried in his store. I couldn't believe it because my distributor, FM International said that they only sold a handful of copies! Well guess who bought some of them up? That's right, Bill did. And whilst I was gaping in awe at seeing five copies of my book on his shelf in the independent area- Bill comes out of nowhere and makes an announcement that a special guest has arrived to sign some posters of a movie that he will be starring in that will be released early next summer. And emerging from a black curtain in the back of the store comes Ron Perlman who tells everyone (and there weren't that many people loitering at the store at this late Saturday afternoon hour) that he will be flying out to Prague next week to being lensing Hellboy and in order to celebrate he wanted to come down to sign some Dark Horse promo posters that were idly lying around. I thought that was pretty neat of Bill to allow something that spontaneous to just happen in his store with no warning or no fanfare. Everyday at Golden Apple could be a adventure in LA LA Land or at least flirtatious glance from porn stars to actress who liked to schmooze around the place- such as Chase Masterson or Hyapatia Lee. I even spotted John Singleton checking out some old 70's Jack Kirby Black Panthers once just shortly after he achieved his fame from making Boyz in the Hood. Scores of signings that Bill would arrange have been legendary and have been well organized- there have been so many, that I couldn't even begin to remember them all. Harlan Ellison's release of his Dream Corridor series for Dark Horse was the first time I ever mustered up the courage to actually saying something to the guy other than blowing it off everytime I saw him at a San Diego Comic Book Convention. There's a score of others who probably haven't done a signing in the states other than Bill's store, at least that I know of, of which Warren Ellis and Grant Morrison come immediately to mind and that's probably because of Bill's brilliant approach to comic book marketing has spread so fast and so vast across the globe that it's inspired other people in other countries to follow suit in modeling stores just the way that Bill diagramed them to be.

Besides all the laudations and commendations from all honors bestowed from the comic book industry, I like to remember Bill the best for, along with his business partner and wife Sharon, to be the finest community servants. Bill and Sharon have at countless times volunteered in a tireless effort to get the word out on the value of reading comic books and to motivate children to read by picking up a comic book - particularly the Archies or the Simpsons line of titles. Their presence was always welcome at all the Teen Age Comic Festivals that I've helped Eugene Mandelcorn organize at the Los Angeles Central Library. They've always had a couple of booths set up at the Los Angeles Festival of Books in the young readers area that takes place every spring on the UCLA campus that was always well attended by talent supplied by Bongo Comics. From what Obi-Wan Danobi describes, Bill was also running a little DJ company on the side, supplying music and doing yo-yo tricks for three barmitzvahs that his DragonLady wife had dragged him off to (Bill's accountant just happens to have his office right next door to Obi-Dan's insurance office- that's the reason why they always got invited) these shindigs- but I understand that Bill always volunteered his time - because he was a just that kind of all around community teddy bear. And that about sums it up for the man- a big fluffy cigar chomping gentle giant of a teddy bear that looked and talked like a New Jersey mafiaoso- Tony Soprano definitely had nothing on him. Personally, I think Bill's lovable girth may have given David Chase the inspiration for his mob boss in the Sopranos.I wouldn't be at all surprised

Anyway, I'm going to miss all those swell radical events that Bill would help to organize to make the Los Angeles area a comic book industry melting pot. The LA Weekly has for the past few years or so has done a issue at the beginning of each year that is devoted to the comic book art form and Bill will always throw a bash at the store surrounding that theme....

...y'know what the heck am I saying?

Every week, Bill was always celebrating some monumental event that fluctuated within the art form, no matter how big or minuscule- it didn't matter- just as long as Bill got it media exposure, he got the job done.

What? Your book got a Movie deal out of it because of exposure in my store?

Great.

Next. Whose turn is it now?

What can I say?

The man ate, drank, and shat comics. It's Simple as that.

Lots of people, including me, are going to miss him...tremendously.

I hope the tradition of the qualities that I listed above will carry on within his family for many generations to come.

~

Coat

Currently watching:
Plastic Man: The Complete Collection
Release date: 2009-10-20

5:23 PM

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Thursday, October 15, 2009

Pick Your Own Nose Battles!! Part Two
Current mood:

understimulated

PICK YOUR OWN NOSE BATTLES
Part Two

This is so indigenous of me - I can only give you a taste of what's to come - and hopefully it won't taste all green and slimy.

I'm running late to get my hair cut for the trips and public appearances scheduled for the next two weeks. Final warning: I will be at the Alternative Press Expo this weekend being held at the San Francisco Concourse in Downtown San Francisco right on 7th Street. I'll be there with my Deposit Man black & white pamphlet woes in tow, along with my very special guest, Ms. Sex in Stilettoes - who is apt to perform somersaults on your face if you ask her nicely. Watch out for the spike heel in your eye - it might be a killer. I'll be flying out tomorrow afternoon.

So when I get back (I'll be most likely typing this in the Westwood Library) We'll pick up from where I left off last week with the shouting match between me and some buffoon over at CAA and my ex-boss's surprise reaction to the whole ordeal.

Plus - Saturday Morning DVD cartoons on the go. You know you need them, you know you gotta have them.

IF you hadn't been paying attention: this is the conclusion of what I didn't finish in last week's blog. Last week I left off on a cliffhanger because I totally forgot the first game of the Angels and the Boston Red Sox were on. Since I was shacked up at Harry P's place in Brentwood, he got hooked on this year's current California Angels' baseball season which is I guess it's both a curse and a blessing. They are really a talented baseball team and it's heartwarming to see the outpouring of love for them. Maybe some of you don't remember that their new rookie pitcher, Nick Ackenhart (sp?) was tragically killed in a hit and run accident after pitching and winning his first game of the season. Fans are speculating that perhaps that it's Ackenhart's spirit that's causing them to make it to the playoffs this year. Witnessing the televised climb firsthand has been visually and magically exhilarting. So, if you don't find folks - I've got to see this through.

Okay - now last week, I was going on about this heated explicit argument I got into on the phone with a Human Resources person over at the Creative Artists Agency. To Recap: I've been unemployed for six or seven months now. I've lost all meaningful track of time since I've last worked legally. (Illegally I worked under the table some time ago in June for Harry P's brother) and my unemployment benefits are on their last legs or I'm about due for a extension. Everything for menial workers in Hollywood land has basically dryed up (i.e; office work, data entry, administrative duties, etc; etc) - however, I thought I had more of an edge because I was trained to be a TV research assistant through the auspices of Sony Pictures Television.

At SPT, I pulled rating averages, GAA and AA ratings for Sony's syndicated shows such as Seinfeld, King of Queens, Wheel of Fortune, Jeporady, The Shield, and all of the Judge shows (Hatchett, Young, and Karen). Unfortunely, all the court shows tanked and now Sony Pictures Television- best and bright hope of survival is now riding on Dr. Oz, A Oprah Winfrey spin-off. I was debating with my old supervisor, DYNO NEPO SPOCK about Seinfeld ratings should still be strong because of the recent cast reunion on Larry David's self parodying sitcom, Curb Your Enthusiam- who also created Seinfeld. Anyway- I did a whole crapload of stuff for Sony Pictures Television that after a while I had earned myself an penthouse office on the twenty fourth floor of a lavish building in Westwood and I had my own GOLDEN name plate on the door. And I accomplished it all with just a high school diploma and a couple of years in junior collage majoring in psychology and journalism.

But unfortunely - that's not enough to make it in this town. THAT's not enough to even make less than $15.00 bucks an hour in this town.

And that's what CAA was prepared to pay me. Less than $15.00 an hour - EVEN if I had shown proof that I had a piece of paper showing them that I had B A in media communications.

I had no idea that to make a mere commoner's wage that you had to have a college degree. If Sony had gotten their way with my contracting agency in hiring me on - they were prepared to pay me some odd $20.00 an hour with just a MEASLEY high school diploma hanging on my office wall (along with my Spider-man and Batman movie posters).

What galls me the most is that these schmucks at CAA were playing a stupid game with me. They call me on a Friday leaving me a message saying how much my resume impressed them. Monday I return their call and it's pointed out during the coarse of our phone conversation that I didn't state my salary requirement. I give them a figure and they sound a little balkish - saying that it's just a tad bit much, but regardless, they agree to set up an appointment to meet me and discuss it further. They call me back an hour later and leave me a voice message to drive in the crux that I have no BA in media communications and therefore YOU HAVE NO OFFICIAL BARGAIN CHIP in getting yourself hired with us.

Absolute plain simple snobbish elitist atititude. It's what you expect to see when you live in this town.

Does everyone know what a elitist is?

This is the definition as coined by Dictionary.com

The belief that certain persons or members of certain classes or groups deserve favored treatment by virtue of their perceived superiority, as in intellect, social status, or financial resources.

My personal definition of elitism is that all the things that I listen to or watch on tv or on the movie screen is better than anything that you'll ever watch.

Like buying and listening to the new Porcupine Tree and then praising it afterwards that it's more intellectual, stimulating, or integral to ANYTHING you'll ever listen to because you're still stuck in a rut listening to twenty year old Madonna singles or you can't evolve past anything that has the name Bono attached to it ( with apologies to dear Crazy Kitten Smile). Just coming out and saying that it's better than you and there's no way of even debating or arguing the matter with me- BECAUSE MINE IS THE WORD OF GOD.

That's elitism.

In the case of CAA - their philosophy or mantra is their word of law - REGARDLESS of you spent TWO years ALREADY doing the work - you're not getting in through these doors with a certificate explaining that you did FOUR YEARS of college work to get to this point. WE DON'T CARE IF YOU KNOW HOW TO DO THE JOB BETTER THAN A $ 10.00 an hour WHORE INTERN. WE WOULDN'T HIRE YOU IF YOUR DICK GOT DIPPED IN A LEPER POTION.

That was the stonewall atititude I got from the HR girl.

I called her up and without hesitation asked her:

"WHO THE FUCK DO YOU THINK YOU ARE??

YOU GET MY BALL JUICE REVVED UP in believing that I'm the right candidate for the job and THEN YOU LEAVE ME CRYING IN A CORNER CLUTCHING MY BLUE INFLATED BALLS over a stupid piece of paper??

Mr. Coatney - please lower the tone of your voice.

NO SERIOUSLY - DON'T YOU HAVE ANY IDEA OF WHAT I'M CAPABLE OF IN THIS BUSINESS? I FUCKING RAN THE ENTIRE SEINFELD MARKET LIST ( that's FUCKING 210 single markets/affiliates in the UNITED STATES ITSELF - not counting global markets) BY MYSELF FOR TWO YEARS STRAIGHT- AND YOU SIT THERE MOCKING ME BECAUSE I'M DEMANDING A PALTRY $15.00 AN HOUR TO START OFF ON? YOU GETTING A FUCKING BARGAIN AND PLUS I WAS TAUGHT BY THE BEST-

Mr. Coatney - please don't yell at me. We can't allow you to work here without a four year bachelor's degree.

THAT's ABSOLUTE BULLSHIT!! SONY PICTURES TELEVISION HIRED ME JUST ON THE FACT THAT I HAD THE WILL!! THE DETERMINATION TO MAKE THE JOB WORK!! I'VE ALREADY PAID MY DUES. GIVE ME A FUCKING INTERVIEW!!! GIVE ME A FUCKING INTERVIEW NOW!! EVEN READING THE TV GUIDE FROM THE AGE OF FOUR MAKES ME MORE QUALIFIED THAN THE REST OF THESE PIMPLE ASS FACED COLLEGE SHIT MAMA BOYS !!

I'M ENTITLED TO A INTERVIEW!! THIS IS FUCKING DISCRIMINATION!! I'LL FUCKING SUE YOU, YOU STUPID BITCH!! I'LL....I'LL....I'LL...."

Click....

It really got that heated. Really, really heated. It was just annoying me further and further that the HR clerk kept repeating the phrase 'without a BA this' or 'without a BA that' that I wasn't entitled to some high paying job even though I show the inititive to make it work. We have a policy, my ass. Rules are meant to be bent in my special circumstance.

But there I go - being a elitist again.

I had to call my ex-supervisor at Sony, whom I affectionately refer to as DYNO NEPO SPOCK because he bears a cross resemblance pollination of both Napolian Dynomite and Mr. Spock.

"Hey Dyno - guess who I chewed out today??"

"Is this Cary Coatney?"

"Yeah - well, who else would call you just to say hi?"

Hey, how's it going? Are you working yet?"

No- not yet - but listen, these people at CAA were considering hiring me, but instead I got in a fight with one of the HR people...

"You got in a fight with HR over at CAA.. Wh- What -- Why would you do that? Those are very good people."

"Well - I got mad because they were jerking my dick about it. I think they think that I asked for too much money- so they called me back, canceling a interview because they did a double check of my resume and made some lame shit excuse that I didn't have the qualifications to work there.

"Qualifications - what do you mean??

"Well - they were fucking harping on me that I didn't have a four year bachelor's degree in media communications...

" You don't a BA ? How the fuck is that possible...?"

" Ok Dyno - what the hell are you grasping at??"

" Well - you need a four year degree to work here. How the hell did you slip through the cracks??"

" I don't know - I thought you knew? I've only completed two years of college...

" Well how the fuck is that possible??? We assume you had all the credentials when you started working here?? I mean, seriously Cary, don't you know how the game is played in this town???"

I guess it was because I had a passion for the television business - plus I was a contractor - I doubt if my acdemic background even came up in a misfired fart in a executive's restroom meeting that it even waranted a check into where I learned my ABC's or learned how to count on my fingers. Things are just meant to be done without a piece of paper saying that I have permission to do. Not to say that I'm thinking about taking up brain surgery anytime soon. Imagine if I had to do this everything I get an itching urge in my groin to piss out a new Deposit Man issue.

Hey - next week's blog will be coming to you live from my mom's house in Parsippany, New Jersey. I'll be there for two weeks or so. I may need some one to pitch hit for me while I'm gone. Otherwise, it's just going to be wikipedia website swiped nonsense like Saturday morning cartoons or the joys of reconstructed vaginas. I'm sure you'll all want to tune in for that.

Currently listening:
The Incident
By Porcupine Tree
Release date: 2009-09-15

5:14 PM

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