Holden doesn't believe that Damian is really dying.  I think it's sick that Holden would openly admit something like that.  I mean, seriously, the man has medication why would he make something like a terminal illness up?  What could he possibly gain from that kind of lie- and HELLO- Damian can't be that thick that he'd think I wouldn't notice if he doesn't eventually die, so why would he carry on with a charade?  There's something wrong with Holden to doubt Damian who's been great to me throughout all this drama.  Why doesn't he get that I owe Damian?  Why does he have to make this harder than necessary?

I mean, yeah, it's kind of strange how urgent Damian is about leaving for Malta.  All of a sudden he' s moved the move date up until tomorrow- that barely gives me time to say goodbye to mom or have one last looksie at both my new baby brother and my old crush (Kevin).  It's too much too fast too soon - everything's kind of spinning out of control and I don't know how to slow things down.  The only thing that's certain as of now is that I made a promise to Damian to go with him to Malta and be with him during his time of need.  I can't back out of that promise.  So I'm going.  Tomorrow, apparently.

I'm just worried about how things are going to pan out here in Oakdale.  I mean, Jade's acting strange.  I just found out she's responsible for breaking up Will and Gwen.  I fiercely believe that Will and Gwen will reconcile but Jade totally creeped me out when she hinted that she didn't think Gwen would be around much longer. 

What the hell is THAT supposed to mean?

I saw Gwen sing at Crash tonight.  I didn't realize she was back in affect and to be honest I was impressed.

And to think I almost missed out on it.  Jade didn't want to run into Gwen- she really hates her for some reason- and wanted to leave.  But I finally convinced her to focus on the prize ahead and to cast thoughts of Gwen out of her mind.  Jade seemed to do that- at least for the moment- but she was acting very strange the rest of the night.

yeah, come to think of it, Jade's got that green-eyed look about her again.  Not the look of jealousy- that looks is always evident in her eyes- I'm talking about the scheming green-eyed look.

something's brewing in that little brain of hers.  I wonder what it could be....

If Jade is up to something- I wouldnt' blame her.  I mean, I know I'm not supposed to take sides and admittedly Jade does get into some scapes but if you take a closer look at the situation, you'll see that for the most part she's provoked.  I mean take tonight.  Jade honestly had no idea Gwen was singing tonight but when Will saw her he made a beeline for her - accusing her of coming to Crash to mess with Gwen's head.  I even vouched for Jade, explaining the situatuation to Will.  But he only saw what he wanted to see- daggers for Jade.

It's unfortunate how stubborn people can be.  But I guess once you get an idea about somebody in your head it's hard to shake it.

As Jade would say:  Such is Life.

The Devilbiss Award- it was within my grasp, inches from my fingertips and like a ghost it vanished.  Like a cookie about to be devoured by a pudgy boy who hasn't even had dinner yet, it was taken away from me.  Like trash, I was cast aside- the award, in case you haven't figured it out, was given to someone else. I didnt' win it.  I wrote a good essay but apparently it wasn't about the essay.  It was about the essay writer.

And they don't want no GAY writers representing the school.  At least that's what I inferred from Mr. Ladue when he explained to me why I hadn't won the award.  What else could he mean by that?  I wrote a damn good essay- the best according to everyone- I'm a good, clean cut kid, I get good grades, I'm on the flippin' basketball team- how do I not represent the school positively?

Oh right.  I like men.  I almost forgot.

As if I don't have enough reminders from people like Brad about what the rest of the world feels about people like me- now I'm not even safe within the confines of my school.  So much for protection.  School is supposed to be a place where us kids can have another safe haven aside from home.  Teachers aren't supposed to be biased.  Teachers are supposed to be our friends.  We're supposed to be able to trust them.  They are supposed to have our best interests at heart. 

I guess that only applies when you're NOT gay.

And the Award for most bigotted, close-minded, ignorant STUPID people goes to:  Oakdale High.

Ugh.  Today dad and I had "The Talk"...you know, the relationship talk.  My skin is still crawling- my stomach is still nauseated and I cringe every two minutes with the memory- the talk is the worst, least anticipated moment that could happen between parent and child.  Especially father and son.  Especially straigh father and gay son.  I'm 16 years old, it's a little late for all of that anyway, but I guess what with me being gay and all and feeling moody and lonely- oh and deciding NOT to go Florida for Spring Break with my friends- the topic of my lust for other men had to come up sometime. 

It's not like dad tried to sit me down for a talk about the birds and bees. He knows I know about sex and women and pregnancy and STDs and love and stuff.  But my dad also knows that I don't have to worry about women and pregnancy so this kind of talk was a little out of the ordinary.  It was uncomfortable and awkward because it was clear my dad didn't know what to say or where to begin.  That sucks but at least he's honest about it- at least no matter who I'm dating my dad still acknowledges that I'm his son and he makes it clear that I can talk to him about whatever whenever.  That makes me feel good.  I mean, even if I were straight and needed to talk about girls I probably still wouldn't.  It's too weird to talk to your parents about your sex life.  But at least the door is there and always open no matter who I'm dating and that's a relief. 

But quite frankly:  I'm HORNY.  I want a man, a relationship, hell I want to hook up with someone at Spring Break and it's just not fair that finding someone to love is even more exponentially difficult for me simply because I'm gay.  But my dad doesn't understand that- try as he might- so even after our talk I'm still left lonely and pining and frustrated. 

But relieved. Because there's nothing like family.

My little sister is slowly killing herself.  Soon she will be emaciated with sunken cheeks and dark, vacant eyes- I'll barely recognize her. And still- because bulimia is a serious illness- Faith will continue to think she isn't thin or pretty enough- she will continue to deny herself nourishment.  And she'll binge and purge and deny- the cycle will not end until finally - she dies.

Why does calamity continuously befall my family?  Why do we keep getting attacked by all these emotional diseases?  I just want a day of peace for all of us.  A day when problems are not at the forefront of our thoughts and we breathe, relax and just enjoy life.  When's that going to happen? When I live, dammit?  I just want to live!

I know I sound really cryptic and dramatic and whatever but this is real.  My family is dying. My sister is dying and I feel helpless to save her or fix anything.  I tried to confront Faith about her problem but she denied it.  I went to my mom about it and I thought they would work it out but then I find out my mom actually took a business call while she was in the middle of talking to Faith.  No wonder Faith is going through all of this- she can't even get five minutes of my mother's time!  I'm so angry and I feel so lost.

How can I help my sister get through this? 

Brad made a joke about homosexuals today.  I happened to be coming into the kitchen from my room, minding my own business and actually in a good mood for once- and I overheard the horrible horrible NOT FUNNY comment he made about homosexuals- about me!  I was a really shocked to be honest.  I mean, it's one thing to hear some random guy on the street say something or a comedian on television get laughs over their crass jokes but it's quite another to know the person that says the thing that hurts the most.  I wish I'd stayed up in my room a beat longer just so I'd miss the punchline.  Just so I wouldn't be reminded that outside of the comfort zone of my house there are people like Brad, roaming free, enjoying life- making jokes about people like me!  I can't believe he'd make a joke like that - and in front of my mom on top of that.

Of course mom totally flipped out on Brad and ironically enough I was the one who had to come between them and calm my mom down.  It just made things even worse- because I had to face Brad after that.  I have to face Brad for the rest of my life knowing what he thinks about homosexuals- he looks down on them- on me, and he doesn't even realize just how much he hurt me.

I don't think I could ever forgive him.  Not after that.

My heart is breaking right now and for once it's not about me or Kevin or my two dads or my mom.  It actually has nothing to do with me whatsoever at the moment and for a 16-year-old, it's quite an accomplishment to actually focus on someone else for a change.  This moment is about my friend Jade.  She's going through a lot right now and all I can do is be there for her- support her and try not walk away from her like everyone else.

It must be painful for Jade.  She's not really accepted by the people of Oakdale.  I understand that part of her that doesn't want to be alone.  I don't know how I get it but I do and out of everyone around else I'm probably the only who's even bothered to try to get to know the real Jade.  Anyway, I understand why she lies and schemes and fights so hard not to fall too far away from the forefront of everyone's thoughts.  Because she's different.  I'm different too, which is why I sympathize with her need to be acknowledged and validated.

Ok maybe I'm making her story sound way more pathetic than it actually is but I'm just trying to reason out why she would go to such lengths to keep Will in her life and to keep Gwen out of Will's life.  Jade told me she was pregnant.  I believed her.  I supported her.  I'm the one who went to Will and told him he needed to be there for Jade too since it was his baby.  I was a good friend to Jade.

And it was all for nothing.  Jade's not pregnant.  There never was a baby.  Will isnt' going to be a dad.  And technically, there's nothing keeping Will and Gwen apart anymore.  Jade finally confessed the truth to me after I confronted her on her lies.  Dr. Norris told me she wasn't pregnant but I had to see for myself.  I peaked at Jade's file and it turns out she's actually not pregnant.  I want to be angry at Jade but all I feel is pity for her.  Did she really think a baby was going to make Will fall in love with her and forget about Gwen?  Does she really think anything could ever really come between Will and Gwen? 

A baby can't solve problems, Jade. 

A few days ago I felt like I was sinking.  It turns out Kevin was the one drowning.  And I saved his life!

Back at Raven Lake I was sulking by myself in the woods.  Jade tried to be there for me- even Will made a half-hearted attempt to pull me out of my drepression but I wouldn't budge.  Then I see Liv knock Kevin out with an oar- I'm sure it was an accident- and Kevin's knocked unconscious and drowning in the lake. 

Without thinking I jumped into the lake, pulled Kevin to shore and proceed to do CPR in an effort to keep his face from turning any more blue than it already was.  He finally came to, choking on some of the lake water, but he was alive.  And I'd saved him.  Ironic isn't it?  The Gay Man Saves the Day!  I was a hero.  And what's more- I was Kevin's Hero.

It didn't take long for Kevin to recover and soon after he actually apologized to me.  Anybody else would've probably taken the opportunity to spit on Kevin's apology- even rub it in his face a little that in order to save his life, I had to give him CPR- that means touch his lips with my own- but I'm not cruel.  I'm a good guy.  I'm a regular ordinary hero.  And Kevin probably feels like the biggest jerk in the world- as he should feel!  I just hope he actually does change.  I hope he actually does see me as Luke again and not "Gay Luke"- I hope one day we'll be friends again.

But I'll worry about that another day.  Not today. 

Today nothing can touch me.  For I am Luke Snyder: Hero. 

I've been as honest as I possibly can on this blog.  The journey from "Luke Snyder the weird guy" to "Luke Snyder Proud of Whatever the Hell I Am" - has been long and arduous but at least if nowhere else, my comfort zone has always been right here where my thoughts are their clearest and my heart is its most open. 

If you've been an avid reader you know me as I am in both the dark and the light.  You know my fears, my hot buttons, my strengths and weanesses. Even if we've never met, you know me.  And that was great for a time.  But then suddenly it wasn't enough.  My friends were ticked off at me and just shutting me out.  And even when we were getting along- they didn't know me.  They didn't really "see" me.  And it made me sad to know that on my darkest days- days when writing in this damn blog wouldn't be enough- that I couldn't turn to any of them for help or for encouragement, because they didn't really know what I was going through. 

I knew that one day it would all culminate in a huge, big, humiliating and unforgettable moment- the truth would be revealed and in the flood of this incredible "Will The Real Luke Snyder Please Stand Up" unveiling, I would either sink or swim.

I'm sinking, I think.

Basically, I went to Raven Lake.  And while trying to get Will and Gwen back together, keep Jade away from Will and survive a slasher who we all thought initially was Maddie- somehow I found time to tell Kevin that I'm Gay. 

I don't know what I expected.  I don't know why it was so important for me to come clean I just felt like I was losing myself completely. Isn't this supposed to be the time of self-discovery?  Shouldn't I be celebrating my newfound identity?  Shouldn't I embrace my differences? Why should I continue to pretend and be ashamed of who I am?

I'm Luke Snyder and I'm Gay- Everyone else deal with it.

Easier said than done.  Oh it's one thing to write on this damn silent blog that I'm proud of who I am.  It's quite another to physically hold my head up high as I walk down the meanstreets of Oakdale- perverse with gossip and disgusted looks.  Friends now Foes glaring at me like I'm some kind of disease.  And worst of all- there's Kevin.

My former best friend.  The guy who's known me almost all my life.  The guy who knew me when I almost died- up at Raven Lake he told me I could tell him anything.  So I told him.

I came clean

and he called me a freak.

So now I'm "Luke Snyder The Freak"

When do I get to just be Luke again?

Holden was looking through some baby books today and I joined in wanting a hand in naming my new baby brother.  I found a name my mother's always liked and Holden agreed.  His name is:  Ethan Walsh Snyder.  It's perfect.  So's my little baby brother.

We had his christening today and it was very nice.  The family gushed over Ethan and even though she couldn't be there personally-  my mother was present.  She was there within me and my siblings.  And it comforted us all, I think.

It was a good day.  No complaints.  No worries.  No stress.  Just love among family and especially love for the new little person in our lives; Ethan.  By the way, Holden asked me to be his godfather.

Can you imagine?  Me?  A godfather!

I am beyond honored.