So.....Jade's preggers.

For the Teenage-Lingo Impaired, that means she's with child.  It seems she and Will weren't so careful when they slept together and now Will's back in the dog house with Gwen.

Now that I've gossipped about my good friend, Jade, let me speak about her current situation with compassion.  I'm scared for her.  It seems like Jade just keeps getting into scrapes and the more I try to be there for the more trouble she winds up in.  I'll just be plain and say it- she's obsessed with Will and it's messing with her judgement. 

The thing is, Jade is beautiful.  She's really breathtaking.  And she's also a really great person once you get to know her.  If I were straight- I'd definitely want to be with her.  Will was one lucky guy- the thing is- Will is desperately in love with Gwen and no baby is going to change that.  He's a good guy, that Will, so I know he'll do right by Jade (or he'll have me to answer to) but he's not going to love her.  I know a thing or two about unrequitted love.

What Jade needs is to rid herself of Will's seed, release him and let him go back to his wife.  Then Jade needs to focus on herself.  She doesn't need a man to complete her.  She could have any guy she wants (except Will) so why subject herself to this humiliation?  I know I make is sound so easy- it's not.  It's really hard to get over somebody you care deeply about.  And I know that Jade really does love Will (in a weird obsessive way) but having his baby won't win him over.  And I know I'm evil for even suggesting she get rid of it- so maybe I tak that back.  In fact, yeah, I take it back.  Jade's already pregnant- there's no going back from that.  Will's going to have deal with the consequences of his actions.  He's going to be a dad and that's that.  Everyone, including Gwen, who's really getting on my nerves with all her temper tantrums, has got to accept the fact that Will made a choice and it includes fathering a baby with Jade. 

I hope things work out for Jade.  I plan to be there for her in anyway I can.  I especially can't wait to see what she'll look like six months from now when she's bursting with baby- her belly's going to be huge!  I'm sure she and Will have made a beautiful child (sucks that Gwen can't have kids). 

Now I'm getting all sentimental - I just love kids I guess. 

Ummmmm things kind of got a little crazy over the past couple of days.  Let me just preface this entry with the awed, incredible realization that I still have to return to school in the fall.  I mean- what's there to learn after the week's latest events?  I feel like I've taken on the world- and conquered somewhat.

That's not to say that the events that transpired over the last couple of days were positive.  No, actually, never have I been more emotionally screwed up, confused, angry, sad, abandoned and betrayed.  Oh and I'm broke now too.

Here's what happened:

Me, Damian and Sergio were seconds away from boarding the plane to Malta when suddenly Holden and Jack arrive on the scene.  Sergio suddenly breaks out into this panicked sweat and grabs me like he wants to take me hostage or something-- in fact, if I remember correctly, yeah, that was his intention to take me hostage.  I got scared because I really wasn't clear on what the hell was going on but it didn't take long to figure it out.

Damian isn't sick.  He isn't dying he's just a fraud and a homophobe apparently.  Once Jack and Holden were able to diffuse the situation at the airport, I found out that Damian only wanted me to come to Malta so that he could get my inheritance.  Immediately following that bit of information, Damian lets it slip that he's basically disgusted that I'm gay.  I thought I was going to be sick.  The man was patting me on the back, spitting words of encouragement at me, trying to come off as this totally open minded guy when truthfully he was disappointed and ashamed of me.  How could I have been so blind?  I feel so stupid.  This whole mess- mom in the coma- me held hostage at an airport- it was all Damian's fault and I just let it happen.

Holden and Jack wanted me to press charges against Damian but I was too through with the whole Damian situation to even bother.  Instead of signed over my inheritance to him, hoping to wash my hands of him completely.  Of course, the idiot fraud accepted the money but he let me know in no uncertain terms that he and I weren't through.  What a crock.  If I never see him again it'll be too soon.

What a lousy lousy end to a lousy summer.  It just can't get any worse than this...........can it?

I have a new baby brother!!!!

Yeah, my mom had a c-section- she came out ok and the baby's fine too.  I'm excited and happy and relieved and more than anything I'm thrilled that I were for it.  I was about to hop on a plane and go to Europe with Damian because I wanted to escape my problems.  Kevin's mad at me for getting him into trouble the night of my car accident- he called me a freak and said he never wanted to see me again.  Thanks, Kevin, nevermind the fact that I was the one who got into the car accident and I could've been seriously hurt- nevermind all that, this is clearly about you, isn't?  And to think I actually have feelings for that selfish a-hole.  Anyway, he's the main reason why I was going to go with Damian because it's hurtful to hear someone you love tell you he doesn't want anything to do with you.  That seems to be the story of my life these days.  Ho hum.  Such is life.

But the good news is, everyone convinced me I need to be there for my family.  And I was- I met my brother and he's adorable and I love him to bits.  And now I don't want to leave Oakdale.  I told Damian that I needed to be here with my family and anyway, Holden and I finally reconciled and there's just really no need to be away from them any longer than necessary.  I think Damian was a little disappointed- especially when I told him that I'd be moving back in with  Holden.  I know it's wrong of me to keep flip flopping on him. I don't mean to hurt him or anything, I think I just don't really know what I want. 

Anyway, maybe I'm changing my mind again- Damian dropped a bottle of cellutide which is medicine for really sick people and was pretty much forced to tell me what's wrong with him.  I'm not supposed to say anything but...he's dying.  I hardly know the guy and it would be appear that I'm all he has right now.  If the man is dying, don't I owe him in a way?  Afterall, he's been there for me throughout a lot of this stress.  He's really understood me lately, unlike my own family.  Don't I owe him that much just to be with in his dying days?  I think I do, even if it is all the way in Malta.

Yeah, going with Damian is the right thing to do.

I am an absolute complete idiot.

The past couple of days have been completely confusing as usual.  Mom's still in a coma.  Damian, the genius, got Lucy to arrange so that I could visit her whenever Holden wasnt' around.  It was a close call at one point but for the most part the plan's been working. I really miss her.  And Holden and the rest of the family and it's just not fair that I have to be away from them.

And of course, drama always comes in twos or threes here in Oakdale.  Kevin wanted to hook up with Liv so he basically coerced me to go on a double-date with Ada.  I tried.  I really tried to want to be there but I really couldn't.  Ada tried- she really put herself out there but of course I just wasn't into it.  You can lead a horse to water but, try as you might, you can't make him drink.  Ada thought I wasn't over Jade- I didn't do anything to set her straight.  I just realized that this whole situation is completely awful.  My friends don't know me.  They don't even care to know me.  I'm living a lie and I'm tired of it.  It was that moment that I truly hit a low point, the fact that Kevin and Liv were in the next room going at it like two starving hyenas culminating with my family issues and my homosexuality practically burst a blood vessel in my brain.  I chose to drink to cope with everything- not a good decision.

I got drunk.  I know I'm underage but I really needed to escape.  Then I did something even more stupid and got in my car and drove, of course crashing.  I'm not hurt- I mean, I'll live (unfortunately) but I'm so embarassed.  Jack found me.  He was disappointed.  Everyone was disappointed and angry- I was too drunk to care.  But I did pick up on the fact that Damian, as usual, was the only one actually on my side. 

My mom has to have a c-section also.  The baby is in breach or some technical term like that and even though it's dangerous for a woman in a coma to have a c-section it's possibly the only way to save the baby.  So yeah.  I'm stressed about that too. 

The only bright spot in this whole mess is finally talking to Holden about why he wanted to keep me away from Lily- he apologized and asked me to come back home.  I haven't- not yet.  I'm not ready to because of all my issues.  But it feels good to know that both my dads want me now.  Yeah, Damian's even asked me to come with him to Malta!  How awesome is that? 

I almost told Kevin about me being gay.  I was this close- THIS CLOSE.  Like, I could almost see the words slipping from my mouth all I had to do was say it.  But couldn't.  I completely chickened out and I am ashamed of myself. 

Kevin said we should double-date with Ada and Liv so that he could hook up with Liv.  I said I wasn't really interested in girls and like a scene straight out of "Three's Company," Kevin assumed I meant I wasn't interested in girls but was interested in women- because apparently there's a distinction.  So he says, "Yeah, you're probably interested in women like Jade."  Ugh!  Of course there would be a crazy misunderstanding like that.  And what was I going to do?  Say..."No really man.  I'm interested in girls or women"...?  No.  I couldn't do that.  I would've gotten so awkward. 

But at least it would've been done.  At least the truth would've been out.

I should've done it.

I totally and completely should've opened my mouth and told the truth.

Lately, I've been hiding who I am.  I've tucked away all of my colorful, outrageous, slightly-off and non-ordinary parts so that I can fit the mold and be accepted among my peers.  The real me is locked away in a dungeon somewhere.  What people like Kevin and Jade and Lucy - and even Damian see on a daily basis is a shell of my former self.  They don't even see me pretending.  Or maybe they don't want to see  I'm in this alone.  Dead on the inside.  And cold and empty.

So much for Independence Day.  It's a joke.  Damian wanted to go to the country club to "celebrate"- HA!  Celebrate what?  We're not free.  No one in this country is ever free to be who they truly are.  Don't talk to me about freedom and gratititude for our forefathers.  Our forefathers and suck it.  There's still the same judgement, the same politially correct and non-politically correct bull crap, the same issue of not ever being able to speak your true, honest feelings or beliefs for fear of ridicule and ostracism.  What are we celebrating, really? 

I can't possibly speak freely about being gay in front of Kevin and his friends who make homophic comments.  I can only laugh along with them while dying a little inside.  Damian asked me why I would laugh at that when I know it's not funny.  I know it's not funny- it's hurtful.  But what the hell else can I do?  He doesn't get it.  I thought he did, but he doesn't.  The truth is, coming out was the worst mistake of my life.  It was dumb and reckless and it's destroying everything.

During the Country Club "Celebration" Damian gave me a car for a gift.  I should've been jumping for joy.  But the gift only made me feel worse.  I wasn't with my family.  I miss them. 

Happy Freakin' Fourth of July

I went to see mom- she's still the same.  Emma actually left me alone with her for a little bit which was kind of strange.  I'll admit it- I cried like a punk and begged her to come back to us even though she's disappointed in me.  There was no response on her end, obviously. 

I told Jade the whole story then, revealing that I sincerely wished that I hadn't come out.  That's right, people, I regret coming out of the closet.  I regret being gay- my GAY-ness has ruined everything.  If I'd just kept my mouth shut mom wouldn't be in a coma and I wouldn't feel so bad.  I hate this- I hate this- I hate this. 

Surprisingly, In the midst of all my turmoil Jade actually managed to give me good advice.  She told me to try to work things out with Holden.  I'd planned to simply move in with Damian- who appears to be the only person who accepts me as I am right now- but now I'm having second thoughts.  In spite of everything, Holden has been the closest thing to a father figure for me and I can't just throw that all away.  Maybe I should talk to him...

But when I went to Damian and told him that maybe I shouldn't move with him so that I can work things out with Holden- Damian leveled me with a devastating blow:  Holden wants me out of the house.  Now I pretty much have no choice but to move out.  One dad wants me gone and the other- Damian- is still standing there, arms opened wide.  At least someone cares.  But still... Holden is able to easily dispose of me like trash.  That hurts. 

I'm crushed. 

Absolutely and Horrifically crushed.

Damian tried to convince me that pushing my mom down that stairs wasn't my fault.  But I'm not so sure.  I mean, I DID push her.  She DID fall.  She ISN'T waking up and I can think of no other way to process these events unless I place the blame on myself.  I feel awful.  I want to know why mom wanted to send me away but no one seems to know the answer to that.  The only person that can answer it is mom.  And to top it all off, I went to see mom in the hospital and suddenly she wakes up and grabs my arm and screams my name like she had something really important to tell me.  But then her vitals go crazy and she's taken into a room for an MRI.  After that I was told that she could slip into a coma.  I just want to die!  This is the absolute worst thing in the world that could happen to me and my family right now.  What did mom have to say to me?  And to make matters even worse (if that's at all possible) Holden won't let me see mom anymore!  He says he should be the only one to see her!  It's not fair.  Why am I being punished?  Why can't he stop acting like such a know-it-all jerk and let me be with her?  It's not like I intended to hurt her.  It's not like, given the opportunity, I would attempt to smother her with her hospital pillow.  I'm not crazy.  I just lost control for a minute.  And why can't anyone for once focus on one problem at a time.  Why does everyone in this stupid town feel the need to take on the world.  If people hadn't been so fixated on me being gay none of this wouldn't have happened.  But of course no one sees it that way.  And now, instead of focusing on mom and the baby everyone wants to focus on me and my gay, bad behavior.  It's so unfair.

It's so completely and abominably unfair.

I am going through a lot right now.  It's like, the biggest deal in the world to be 16 and gay and in love with someone who's straight and have to tell your parents who don't all together accept everything in the first place.  I don't think I can deal.  In fact, I'm almost positive I can't deal based solely on the fact that I shoved my mother down the stairs the other day and now she's in a coma. 

There is no excuse for what I did but I was so angry.  It was the kind of anger I felt in the form of heat around my ears, neck, in my hands and to an extent even in my eyes- like I could look at something and set it to fire-I was that angry.  And confused and scared, but mostly hurt.  My mother wanted to send me away to a "scared straight" camp and I don't know why.  And it's like, all I can ask is why didn't she just come right out and tell me?  Why did she feel the need to lie to me?  Why did she think it would be ok to trick me into going?  It's too much.  It's all too much.  And nobody wants to give me straight answers- nobody thinks I'm capable of handling the truth yet no one gives me credit for being honest and revealing that I am gay.  Except for Lucy.  And I'll never forget how cool she was with everything- she really made me feel like a regular guy with regular problems by just listening to me.  Why can't everyone be like Lucy?

Anyway, with all the emotions and craziness happening in my life right now, I guess you could say I had a breaking point.  Something cracked and I lost it.  I had a viceral reaction to my mother coming up the stairs, babbling about how she'd made a mistake regarding the summer camp and begging for me to come downstairs so we can talk.  Yeah right.  Like I was going to fall for that one!  I wasn't about to let that creep Krieg haul me off to be "fixed".  I'm fine just the way I am, dammit!

Except for the fact that I shoved my mother down a flight of stairs.

And now she won't wake up.