Top 22 people I dislike immensely

(because hate is too strong of a word…)

Firstly, I know what you're thinking; why 22 Andrew, is that your favourite number? No you unthoughtful fuck, I recently turned 22 and whole heartedly believe that you meet at least one person you absolutely despise for each year you are on this god forsaken planet.

After encountering some extraordinarily profound morons of late, I decided this blog would be a good avenue to express my vexation. Also a note to readers: whilst I have changed many names, smart cookies will note they are all anagrams of the true idiotic offenders.

So without further ado and in no particular order:

1. Politicians: John Howard, George bush, whoever the fuck rules ..:namespace prefix = st1 ns = "urn:schemas-microsoft-com:office:smarttags" />China, we have the "power" to curb emissions and the general greenhouse effect yet you complete and utter morons just can't get it right. You insist that the signing of the Kyoto Protocol will have dramatic affects on the world's economies, how dramatic is 0.12% of global GDP you foolish dercrepit cretins. Also Germany, shame shame shame, fooling us by signing and later making amendments so that your coal industry was not affected, whats the point of that!

2. Anton Braul: Possibly suffers from multiple personality disorder, being nice one day and a complete arsehole the next, however it is the later which is dominant. Your dislike for me has finally rubbed off. My attempts at trying to please you have all been in vane, whilst my performance has yet to falter. Even after a superior reported to you with high praise for me, nothing. Get over yourself!

3. Channel 9's The Catch-Up: Zoe Sheridan, Mary Moody, Lisa Oldfield and Libbi Gorr I hope you're happy. You have managed to create the most senseless drivel on Australian television. You are intelligent women in your own right, so why have you created this crap? Go back to radio where listeners have a greater choice of channels. Stupid bitches!

4. Slow drivers: Speed limits are put in place for a reason; drivers should not go over them, but likewise not sit TEN-FUCKING-KILOMETERS under them! Cutting down your speed in the wet is an intelligent move, however if conditions are more than ideal and you can't drive within 10km of the required speed, you shouldn't be on the road.

5. People who say "I don't have regrets": Sure it's great to stay positive, optimism is the best medicine. To say you have never regretted anything is a complete and utter lie, you and I both know it. You make mistakes and learn from them, but to say you never regretted making them is crap. The feeling of regret is a unique human emotion, so take a hard look at yourself you stupid autonomous jerk.

6. Glenn College Residents: These are the coffee drinking, always fashionable, herald sun reading saps, whom spend their time between Health Science/Agricultural Science lectures sitting in the Agora. Who do you think you are kidding? We all know that daddy is paying off your Hex, bills and other expenses. We also have these type of people in another social economic background, they're called dole bludgers.

This brings me to:

7. The Overdressed: I don't understand why undergrads, in particular young women, will come to uni dressed as if they are attending a nightclub. Whilst admittedly you do sometimes look good, it really is a ridiculous site. Just to paint the picture for all reading this: ultra high heels, typical skank dress, huge hooped earrings and makeup 1cm thick. You are going to uni, get the fuck over yourself. Conversely, if you are that insecure, you should really speak to someone.

8. Myspace friend whores: Wow, you have 15 billion friends too bad you only actually know 3 of them. You probably never leave your computer desk and say "Oh, I wonder if someone has left me a comment" ever five minutes. Go out and meet someone real who will leave you more than the obligatory "Hey thanks for the add" comment. 

9. Most Americans: You self absorbed, illiterate bastards. I know there are a select few who look at the rest from a distance and think 'why do I live in this country?', the majority however are just plain ignorant. You need to realise that the world is a conglomeration and America isn't the only nation on it's face.

10. Thomas Midgley Jr: Not only did this genius invent the chlorofluorocarbon, but he also suggested putting tetra-ethyl lead into petrol (leaded petrol). Oh yes, invented two of the worst pollutants known to humans and said they weren't harmful! (Note: severe TEL exposure could lead to a violent insane death, as described by the AMA) This guy couldn't even do anything positive however. Whilst inventing a pulley system to help him get out of bed after contracting Polio, he fucked up once again, entangling himself amongst the ropes and died of asphyxiation.  

11. Crap Tutors/Lecturers: Can you believe in this day and age when we are paying the big bucks to go to uni, the place provides us with some shithouse tutors and lecturers. I mean, why are you getting paid to attempt to teach me something that has come straight out of a book, and when I ask a question you have no fucking idea what the answer is? Sure you have research to do, but your primary duties are to hear our problems.

12. Unfit Parents: More specifically, parents who don't punish their children and let them run feral. I think we have all experienced it; you're having a great night out, only to have it spoilt by a little fucking shit of a kid running around and screaming their lungs out. If these delinquent parents won't take any action, I think I should be well within my right to belt the child for them.

13. Creationists: For all those people who don't know what they stand for, these are the people who basically don't believe in evolution and Darwinian Theory. I really don't want to write much about these people as I have a feeling they are all suffering from a debilitating mental disorder named Religion.

14. Inconsiderate Mobile Users: Why do you insist on staying put whilst you're in a restaurant/lecture/theatre/anywhere and subject everyone around you to your bland conversation? If it was invented for this reason they would have called it the stationary.

15. Whoever invented astrology: Not only confined to the inventors but the people infatuated by this pseudoscience. Looking up at distant balls of molten hydrogen and helium isn't going to tell you when you're going to find happiness, you'll have to find it yourself. Live your own life! This crap tries to decide your fate for you rather than predicting it.

16. Dr. Irene Ash-Kottean: I understand you were just doing your job, but to fail me by one mark when you could have easily changed a result, is just being a dog. I could have been out of your hair then and there, but you put me through a sup exam which I subsequently passed. Thank you for wasting both our time, luckily however I will never have to spend time near you or your department again.

17. Early Risers: You are the people who get up at 6 on a Sunday morning and insist on mowing your lawns at 9. Look, you may not be breaking the law but you're still an arsehole. Why can't you wait till the afternoon?!  Sit down, relax, have a cup of tea and read the paper, anything other than the things that are loud, intrusive and wake me up you inconsiderate prick!

18. Parking Officers/Ticket Inspectors: These people are just doing their job, I can understand that. However, what type of low-life decides that they want to harass people to make a living? Sure someone's gotta do it, but you willingly chose to, maybe we should possibly nominate it as job under the work-for-the-dole scheme.  These people deserve all the harassment that's coming to them, so dish it up.

19. Smokers: Not all of them of course. Just the ones that throw their shit stained butts everywhere. Also, the pricks that light up in the middle of a group without a second thought; how about this one, we don't won't to breathe that crap in!

20. Australia Haters: And know this isn't a racist remark, as the majority of immigrants that come to these shores do so because they know the country is full of awesomeness (yes it's a word). These people are usually born here and profess all their lives that they'll move overseas as soon as the chance comes. Maybe you people should be the ones put in detention centres and deported, as all the shit things in this country are probably directly related to you being here!

21. Latrobe Uni Socialists/Beatniks/Hippies/Hypocrites: They are at every university, handing out pamphlets about saving the Tasmanian old growth forests. Can you see the irony?! Your heart is in it, but every rally and protest is accompanied by socialist propaganda and ends in senseless vandalism; can you see why the unions are in their current state?

22. Bullies: I bet you all thought that it was going to be something a little wittier huh? Sticking close to the same social and political humour? No. This group of people is really the scum of our society at the moment and unfortunately they are in every aspect of our lives today. Be it school, work, associates, these selfish peons will prey on any insecurity that we may have and exploit it. These sadists will eventually meet someone who is bigger and smarter than them, I only wish I had a camera to see it.

Ok finished. This was surprisingly a lot harder than I initially thought however all the people listed definitely deserve to be there. I hope you enjoyed reading this and that you didn't get offended and leave me an abusive comment because you happened to be mentioned.

                                                                                   Andy J

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Top ten ways NOT to get spit in your drinks

Having worked in the hospitality industry for a little while now, I've always wanted to make a list of things that piss off the people who serve you those lovely intoxicating beverages. My motivation comes partly from actually wanting to inform the public of their annoying habits, but mostly I am using this as a pressure release that will hopefully prevent me from punching the next customer I serve. So without any further ado, here we go:..:namespace prefix = o ns = "urn:schemas-microsoft-com:office:office" /> 1. This is probably my pet hate, and one I know infuriates other bartenders. Unless it is extraordinarily busy or noisy USE WORDS TO ORDER YOUR DRINKS! There is nothing worse than some tosser coming up to the bar, pointing to the taps, and holding up a single finger. Do you think I am so far below you that it would be unbecoming to grace me with your piquant pronunciation? 2. This is a sub-category of the first entry, but one I believe deserves to be singled out. If your friendly bar attendant is preoccupied with other duties DON'T BANG ON THE BAR FOR ATTENTION! This however is not just confined to banging but includes whistling, clapping or other similar behaviour. Majority of the time we actually know you're there, but on the other odd occasion how about a simple "hello". 3. The Verbal Tip: If you think someone has done a really stellar job waiting on you or inebriating you, then it calls for you to tip them. At the end of the day, we don't care and really don't remember you or what you say as our patron.  Raving about the service is always nice, but its nicer to walk home with your aching back and feet knowing you have a fat stash of cash to do with as you please. 4. Bartenders absolutely HATE it when lines are 3 deep, the till is overloaded with money coming in and out, and you are having a hissy fit at the end of the bar for us to come over and take your order, and when we get there to do so you have to round up your friends and ask them what they want, or you simply don't know what you want!  If you flag our attention when it's busy don't stand there saying "Ummm…Now….What-Do-I-Waaant?", otherwise I will walk away and serve someone else. 5. If you can remember everything you need to order, give it to us in one long spiel. All good bartenders have a great memory and prefer to prepare all your drinks in one big hit, rather than going back and forth and back and forth and back and forth to find out every little thing you're after. This also benefits you, in the sense that you don't have to worry about remembering the drinks your friends are having, that's what we are payed for. 6. Your filthy little mess-making children who run all over the venue plotting to knock us over with arms full of your empty glasses. If your child is showered with shards of glass it's because you're too lazy to take them outside when they are screaming their lungs out and pissing off other patrons with their incessant crying....No one, I repeat NO ONE wants to 'keep an eye on' your bratty child, or clean up their disgusting, slimy little mess under the high chair. 7. You alcoholics who get angry when we cut you off.  This just proves you need to be cut off. 8. Underage drinkers take note. If you want to drink yourself stupid fine, just don't whinge when asked for ID or expect to get any service at a bar, house parties were invented for this very reason. As it stands you, the venue and the bartender could be fined $5000, whilst for you to drink in a public place will only cost you $100. Do the math midget!   9. You don't know me - really.  Just because we wait on you 5 days a week, and know all about your entire life, doesn't mean you know anything about us.  We are actors trained to listen to you and befriend you in order for you to tip us well.  We have an obligation to care, but it doesn't mean you know us or have a meaningful relationship with us.   10. We don't owe you a thing.  We hate it when people ask for a free drink.  This means you probably won't tip us anyway.  We give away free drinks to people we like and who will tip us even more because they didn't have to pay for their drinks.   There, now you are aware of the bartenders' inner psyche. It always comes down to respect and tipping, if you follow these simple rules and leave a little monetary sum we will guarantee you have a great night out. TAKE NOTE, do not piss us off because whilst we can make your night a memorable one, we also can be rude, refuse to serve you, and have you ejected from the venue. CHEERS   ***REVISION*** After watching a fellow bartender abused by an intoxicated patron, notably calling him a "stupid fucking c@#t", I decided to add a further ruling to the previous commandments. Really an amendment to my final thought about refusal of service and ejection from the venue:  11.  Warning! If you are drunk and abuse me or other bartenders in a polermic and indecipherable rant please don't expect us to always be the calm, stoic, collected characters usually seen before you. We are capable of mouthing off some of the foulest insults (gained from coping previous abuse), and whilst we are not paid to beat the shit out of you there are other staff members who are... I am by no means trying to condone the heavy-handedness of security guards, but merely trying to point out the following: If you are a nice person sober but an arsehole when you are drunk, that makes you an arsehole. Alcohol brings out your true self, so maybe you have to face that fact that you're a cockhead.

Hello everyone and welcome to the super ultimate story. Soon you will hear tales of deception, bravery, death, and romance, but firstly I must tell you. The images you are about to see can be quite graphic in nature, consider yourself warned.

I began life as quite a simple man:

Life was simple back then, food and shelter weren't a problem and barter was dependant on how hard you could hit the other bloke in the back of the head. Sure you had the occasional run in with a tehradon but their breath was nothing compared to the chick I was with back then. Yes great times....

Quite some time later a nasty thing called religion was invented. Before you know it I was 'fighting' for a cause that based itself on peace and forgiveness:

I fought long and hard in those battles, and was rewarded handsomely with land and a title in the north of England. I was dubbed Lord Andyton keeper of the Shire:

This is possibly one of my favourite moments in scrubs season 4, and yes I do feel like the biggest nerd for posting it as a blog. To all you that think I am a nerd for posting it: Fuck You, or another remark along those lines. Anyhoo, on with the show:

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Molly: So where were we?

J.D.: Um...we weren't talking.

Molly: Was it 'cause of something you did, 'cause I am totally over it. I don't even remember what it was.

J.D.: No, I mean like we've never talked...ever.

Molly: Well how do I know your name, then?

J.D.: You don't.

Molly: You're freakin' me out, Jimmy!

J.D.: It's Johnny.

J.D.'s Thoughts: Why would you say "Johnny"? You hate "Johnny"!

Molly: Now I'm gonna commit it to my memory forever.

She takes his face in her hands and stares at him intently.

Molly: Johnny.... Johnny.... Johnny....

J.D.'s Thoughts: Dammit! Dammit! Dammit!

She lets go.

Molly: Okay, Johnny --

J.D.'s Thoughts: Dammit!

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This is topped easily by the 'drop it like it's hot' dance J.D. and Turk do, this however would be difficult to put into script form.