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not a picture like a stain of what i was and will not be (.comPassion)

caitlin ann



Last Updated: 11/23/2009

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Signup Date: 1/25/2005

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Monday, January 01, 2007 

Current mood:glad i'm done w/ smoking for good!
Category: Art and Photography


i built this on 12/26 at the Cathedral Rock vortex in Sedona, AZ.
it was a super cool experience! see doug's
(dOUglAs did the photo shopping)
Monday, December 25, 2006 

Current mood:relaxed :o)
Category: Writing and Poetry
music box

wind it just once more… play me softly in this
only.. spare this moment for a heartswept smile
and miles forever yet
spin down slower still.. and waste these cares to rest
in measures of my blistered bliss
..as mettle spelled with unsprung hope
choose my breath to praise the truth a wish
..in half a verse of tinkling notes
.. . . . .
wind me up again.. caress my stare to listen
this.. music hears my lost and found unspoken
(whisper kissed) wills my rhyme unbroken
every trespassed track in virgin snow
forgiven
..as i close my eyes so sung unto this sound
beholding evermore enough to crave
the rest of gentle sooth

(keep me dearly near)

:for the rustle of a winter woods
..at the crunch of my best step
:for each fat flake that should collect upon her lash
...or dance to taste upon his tongue
:for upturned child-faced life
....beneath all ageless starlit peace
:for hearts to chase Achilles' pace
.....with precious unspent laughter

(keep me dearest: here)

:for the grinning Grace in man

....music remember it for me
...wound and intertwining now
..bestowed of evermore enough

to believe



©caitlin ann 12/23/05



**may your peace be full of hope**
Saturday, December 16, 2006 

Current mood:lovely
©caitlin ann, 12/16/6

robin's breath

these instruments of love are soft-sifted-pittery
practiced silence so woven  . . . with   ripening care
like baby grand echoes lacing hearts
unstrung strata-various trills
pregnant with applause
this elemental poise is composed by ethereal
..gasp..

 and  whisper's pause 

bathing cause in silk
like water
as the ocean with a salient secret
sunken treasure chest of breath
 somewhere
fire like sky
ablazing brilliant colors .....
of passionate semblance
afloat           upon

         swollen
cumulous     white

lung like cloud deeply drowned
in a gallon of song
to greet the next first gale of green

i am here i am there .. this that and these
drunk with patience
please
tittery-pittery-skitter-patter- aria-waiting

o...  robin's breast in winter

Saturday, December 16, 2006 

Current mood:100%, & that's 5 out of 5
Category: Writing and Poetry
©caitlin ann, 4/9/6


hush, in c minor


words are broken blisters
words... a mused caress
breath anticipating lobes
faces steeping gazes so
ineffable
to feel this ...past... imparting
"(un)said"
(my gentle laugh..? my sigh?? my silence only smile???)
what can be

written


when you mean more than words
to me

i would not cage you in my expression
to save my soul

i would trade my desert island diary for




 .. . a fingertip upon perishible shore
to beat your next and yet unfolding
in my chest
...the grandest glamore effigy
in twists of driftwood from a storm
burning brightly hot.. saving none aside to save us
later: S.O.S.
i would rather spill my blood
as lore-ish inkwell on the sandy lips of future's yore
to be drunk in you, absorbed
to be met upon the timeless biding equalizing tide
washed with the rhythm of the water
and your mind's clean slate
(i would quiet for eternity)
for what appears there
to you
you are so

i would be such

hush

before caging "more" in heartsong metaphor
in your name(your name yournameless same)
i will not seek to change
who you are
to me


O: banish me, for this is "sweet" and blaring
the barer truth, unbitten, does defy
you are enough
you are so

you


.

.


.







Currently listening:
Eveningland
By Hem
Release date: 05 October, 2004
Thursday, December 14, 2006 

Current mood:excited for christmas
Category: Writing and Poetry
while i  contemplate  where to go  for my next "on my back"
imagining ...

ferris carousel

©caitlin ann, 4/18/6

my hands above my head
pinned to the soft sheet
tendered by surrender's pressure
by-- my god--- this.. magnetic
magnificence.. magnified as if
(you) held inspection's glass before (me)
..so that i could peer from shuttered eyes
at this formless grace under light as it.. and it.. as it
and how it amplifies)) ) )  )  )   )  )  )   )
: all focus unto my chest
...an answer to every last next question
tangible neon divinity... glowing...
g r o w i n g
beating my breast ... exponentially
spreading threads of  some silkspun neural net
intangible ferris carousel bed..

lacing my writhing limbs like your fingers lips
tips penetrating every
last depth of my purest first virtue
with a charge so untouched
and never so touched

i'mplosion.. explosion
concurrently we are met
blessing best in quick breaths
--- wrists pinned ---
spaced  t o g e t h e r
the winking glory of death in my rushsome
frenzied unmind .. laughs in my gasps
i'mpressed
. . .

(devotion owns
my thoughts of "more"..?
as you whisper of knowing
this on(e)us
with no need to speak of
"thank you...")







Tuesday, December 12, 2006 

Current mood:inquisitve (which is a synonym of interested;)
Category: Writing and Poetry
this old church
©caitlin ann, 12/12/6

i am lying on my back in an old church attic
a church without a belfry.. the schoolhouse kind
it doesn't matter what kind
or why it still stands abandoned
on the outskirts of God knows where
i can't remember when my lungs became this empty box
smell ..of dry paper and brittle wood
these are my  bones neverminding hollow belly
and bruising creaks of sagging floor
this is my heart answering
the territorial chatter of starlings 
nesting my ears in the littered oneroom below
haunting  mis-pitched high notes that
once heralded praise of fellowship
of kindness dressed appropriately
my eyes are stainedglass panes upon this Sunday apex
whose skyward finger points to ghosts in all directions
whose shrunken steeple rafters ladle my ragged jeans
in thickly slanted afternoon relief
like honey shaken in a dimness snowglobe


it doesn't matter what kind
it was
as i remember the whys and nots

of what remains





(purely fiction, the first "on my back" imagination;)
Saturday, December 09, 2006 

Current mood:unreasonably grateful
Category: Religion and Philosophy

People Are Often Unreasonable

"People are often unreasonable, illogical, and self-centered;
Forgive them anyway.
If you are kind, people may accuse you of selfish, ulterior motives;
Be kind anyway.
If you are successful, you will win some false friends and some true enemies;
Succeed anyway.
If you are honest and frank, people may cheat you;
Be honest and frank anyway.
What you spend years building, someone could destroy overnight;
Build anyway.
If you find serenity and happiness, they may be jealous;
Be happy anyway.
The good you do today, people will often forget tomorrow;
Do good anyway.
Give the world the best you have and it may just never be enough;
Give the world the best you have anyway.

You see, in the final analysis,
it's all between you and
God  (Grace)***
It was never between you and them anyway. "

--Mother Teresa


***i began substituting "Grace" for the God word 16 years ago.  i knew love, i was a mother, and i wanted to "pray" in my own way.. despite my determined rejection of organized religion.
My agnostic senses used to get all riled up by all those dogmatic ramifications... the God word and He and His all the time, everywhere. The God word blocked out much "light" that might've shone through in spectacular, secular beauty.

i am no longer bothered by the God word at all, actually.. BUT i can recognize why and how some folks can be dismissive of "prayers"--- and thus, potential wisdoms, that are ostensibly overdressed in obvious religious affiliations, like expensive logo sweat shirts.. 

NOWadays, i try to remember that there is goodness at the heart of most spiritual exploration.. and there is usually something worth learning everywhere i look.  

ANYmatter... maybe the God word never bothered you.... at all.. (not ever...?)

i like this saintly nun, though-- was she sharp or what?

Thursday, December 07, 2006 

Current mood:full of breath
Category: Writing and Poetry
the stage
©caitlin ann, 12/7/6

this place is full of pacifying giants
much too big to be surreal
defying my shitty vision for some pragmatic sense
acceptance
they wear sueded skins of blurring bark
and swell... like lavishly justled jesters
jingling elaborate costumes of seasonless greens
and shiny sun-sprayed bits
whooshing
such a dance .  . . aimlessly lulling the lushness for
peace
inside pandemic pandemonium
a dance that knows the joke of snow somewhere
..beyond this warmly ticklish frame of hair
that bids me:
sway 
vicariously
beyond the stately mountains  at bay before my voyeur's alcove
were i to blink i would listen to the flapping shipsails
of a desert harbor
and not call it dark red canopy that takes the rent for home

the mountains hold the blue with entitlement
and i believe, beyond all deceit of wonder
that i might yet  see
them cart-wheel  off
end over end
like cardboard cut-outs
set before a hastily painted sky
that could double as a lake stage
for paper dolls.

and i may just wait

Tuesday, December 05, 2006 

Current mood:what do i know
Category: Writing and Poetry
(this remembers me well.. and though it seems so long ago, here i am, again.  da-dah-duh.)
named                      

©caitlin ann,  7/17/6

tossing midnight
turning pageless bedtime tale

ante meridiem architects
building reluctant surrender to cageless dreams
and one more rude awakening
.. mortaring too many pillows with stifled yawns
and soft song entwined

pillows

borrowed comfort.. stolen back from movie floor fort
spaced to replace every softer touch with an old fond foe 
..
again .. elbow's ache .. plastic evp kisses
wounds of this away without the war

borrowed comforts.. spaced to replace every locking daze
and brow to brow .. like a lucky penny makes a pauper's pocket full

i am not a beggar of chance
..clutching your heart closer still ...
 
than this intangible distance can  mock
thieves at the door steel the ghost ear whispers 
... as i lay by myself beside you
...sighing... is not so much of breathing

at all

my skin is memory ..living to taste your breath

on my lips

naming me,  "..caiti..."




Tuesday, December 05, 2006 

Current mood:not alone, alone
Category: Writing and Poetry
traced

i am thinking about tonight

scattered morse code of knuckles
knocking superstition in soft dysrhythm
tympanic hollow of a symphony lost

quieted           thoughts                crossed                  and


                 traced


pointed finger taming the dust
on plastic, wood-grain faces
blaming the questions
that bask in my faith

chance faith should answer now
now, attempting careful dare
to blow my last breath in his fist
full of win-for-losing dice
we are high stakes rollers, now
now, as love saves luck's gain forsaken game

i am living in that last night before that last morning
that ached awake against him that memorized his warmth
that poorly kept my ragged fears and wept to cure his lips for good.

to last.

....knuckles rapping this dysrythmic pulse knocking soft symphony of lost superstition, in quieted thoughts traced... and crossed over and over accusation's finger--- blaming the dust on plastic-wood-grain places--- as the questions that stole you bask in my faith

my faith.


and i am dreaming on kissmas
as chance answers: five
                                          aces unfisted ..my trusty knuckles still.
(cue the winds.. follow strings.. )

"there, there" my soft heart paces ..
and waiting slips away

let new dust claim the blameless calm.. settle me to dream
awhile ... draped in his face in quiet chase of holidays
until i am found in his gentle folds consciously tracing   our  common

skin

hold you this unwrapped present
where nothing is lost by chance of toss
when nothing can be taken for granted gain

him being you
the present meaning now


i know just how i would touch




©caiti anna, 12/4/6
Currently listening:
Plans
By Death Cab for Cutie
Release date: 30 August, 2005
Saturday, December 02, 2006 

Current mood:ok
Category: Writing and Poetry

"hushhh..."  she repeated, "..yes."

the wind takes my breath

as the page takes print

as the canvas wears paint

letters like leaves

words like wings

there is a rhythm to this wind as it ticks along my spine

seeps beneath expression and the deepest pores 

of praised flesh

calling the shiver chill by name

ineffably moaning namelessness

this wind keeps its own beat

tapping my foot erratically...   as i sit

pacing circles round expectation


silence keeps

fillings stolen from a grave robber's tomb

silence borrows

footsteps ..and the rustling decay of unbound paper ...

lightly disregarding the smell

of impermanence

silence clings

with cool indelibility to still

these moist lips

like ink pricked skin 

owning the verse of ages.. lost and lost

found and found

tugging my ear (again) with gentle teeth and warm exhaling

..the rabid music that defies the cage of my rapid heart

murmuring the slowwww growth of time:

and ..what.. is mine

                                  (mine. mine is mine is..)

mining diamonds to better barter golden claims..

to martyr silvery myths ..

i am his,  possessed.. my lover is my luck

my companion for all midnight maybe

making me co-pilot of conspirator's cravings

my advocate and the devil's truth

making me the (angel) i have never been

always

and, as i would ask love not to fear

i am marked to death ..sick with youth: 

it's the wind, not i..

it's his deathless breath commanding all waves

his twisting violence shaking house and breaking bough.. 

it is his caress quivering my limbs

it is the wind, not i

as our souls mingle equations amending  fickle elements

reckoning unspoken promise 

we are the dance of flame on frost and even more so constant

i beg him:  "Gust!"

i have yet to break

i will bend and thrash

always

to be shaken-- taken apart

made whole

to suffer the concurrency of beauty

sown blind to mind cornerless corners

to pattern shadowless shadows 

upon depthless depths


to gasp the jewels of dawn like birth


i am so awake in his eyes

that i might never have dreamed




©caitlin ann, 12/01/06
Friday, November 03, 2006 

Current mood:lackadally-busy-bee
Category: Writing and Poetry
pen chant

palatial paisley painted skull
  cap ...ruminations
amoebic Saturn pattern wheels of the map-maker's carnival
conversions of a gateway sequence
liquid mirror: i, with copious eye batting a thousand
lush lashed glances.. biting the brushing teeth tongue
with tilted smile and silent snap ash-taps
captive dancer in the diamond box
seats:  crowd of one and no mind 
save a magic button's touch to backspace in place
again "...cheeeeeese.."
i'm too thirsty and my dad's hand is sweaty i got sucker stuck to my sundress.. the bird of paradise is now in focus as my sticky face wears the coolness
of the tiger's chain link fence
despite all cautions of hazard (i no speak)
yellow signs with bold black letters defied like pennies for thoughts tossed in and penchants for paisley paralysis trance-dancer glancing sparks into liquid linguistics
electrocutioner of allocution

paced by breath and contentedly swirled in the ghosts
of some ..rocket's red glare
a taste case patient to now gratify later with untested tongues
in languages that color my ears like candy

©caitlin ann, 11/3/06


Friday, October 27, 2006 

Current mood:sum would say something
Category: Writing and Poetry
i

think that i believe
in clairvoyant tides
the music that swims in our skins
bathes us to spin.. .
 --> -->
rise and fall upon pages
 --> -->
i will race you to the big rock and back 
let you catch me  always .. somewhere in between
 --> -->
i think that i believe 
as i listen to tidal breaths ..  ..
and feel your toes .. again
we are the meter of the ocean's verse
the rhyme that dawns pacific
awake of wave's concinnity 
 --> -->
we are here.. on this blanket big enough
lighting the stars long perished 
with our mortal, blinking eyes ..
 --> -->

in these glimmer deaths that claim to be words.




©caitlin ann, 2006
Thursday, October 12, 2006 

Current mood:clueless
Category: Writing and Poetry
long winded whitewash
caitlin ann,
©10/12/06


Once upon a wayback Wednesday, (Eureka!) .. .sputtered by the by, in some epitaphic, manic mimicry: 
                                     "
Life is the drug!"
suprised reprise--- remind me, i am:  safely tangled to this blissful tit, NOT
strangled by the whimsical semblance of will to sever the mortal naught... and i won't  blame Gaia's golden umbilical for my blue-faced crave-paced lot.
wish i may, be i will cartwheel for a dizzy royal flush in the face of this headache neck and backbent nail unbreakable.. left to right in stitches for a funnybone chaser.  .  . this
sweaty playground face is tempered by the whispering trees cooling indian summer.  This is the same
hollow breath that springs a thaw

(that catches me)
.......high-wire clown in ballerina frill jumping rope to rhyme intuition with law.. the tag on silken thrill rubbing me raw

Life in submissions unsolicited
tightest lip staving the starving
carving that Mona Lisa mind in butter
i have already scratched this depiction unforgiven
red hot pen lancing the splinter
in my skin twisting loose like
the tearing root of an obstinate baby tooth
..a metalic tonic, give or take, for one muddied sense elixir
and the wasted remains of too many mixers.

... call it The Drug
shaking in the clammy sheets of faith .. in between the pangs and pauses.. reasonable proof and seasonless causes
it answers wide-eyes in the dark minute baiting reveille
as shivers in bones before the ready, set kettle whistles

when the wind spoke of softness in the scuttling leaves, the green was gone from the world.. . but for my certainty of its rebirth
it was the perishable taste of wonder, as my hair tempted the rule of freedom.. amassed puzzle of curls.. 

a beguiling

well
worth the lesson of wincing knots that will always belong to later

so     then     what     now



(so still)

i spill myself in muted laughter hushedaby in whitewashed oblivion

m..e....
spelled in romantic loops ..fast fading chalk strokes
smearing the jet plane Æther
as though ne'er t'was a chemical trail

commanding the blue in my face for a silent choir.. these are my eyes blurring the lines for some subtler mercy than truth



like the wonder that is


i should learn to forget
myself in this.    i forget
to know better (again)
almost every time

ruby slipper blisters make a mystery of calloused mind.  jade.  jade.
jade is green and i can't speak to why.. but i might just make it up to have some reason.. or make it rarer in blue tones. 
because.
by the noon  i am sweeping up the indulgence of another late last night.. where amongst the butts and broken grasshoppers  They've left a 4 penny fortune: three heads and one tale..
and the odds of that scream mathematical incantations, resurrecting the mystic sickness that knows SOMEthing, and yes, nothing

but the better yet and best to come   persuasion

the next sensational invitation
disguised as another page burning epitaphic epiphanic empathetic grand mal surmisal
as though ne'er t'was a golden umbilical

(love... love is the drug)

apprehension suckles love's enabler like a crime unintended unaware---tendered bare and mercifully surrendered: victorious

"I am never leaving.  You know that..."

quiet things unacknowledged save by squeeze of hand and quickest locking glance.. saved aside inside little gasps to break the patient measure of a second hand repeating itself.. protesting the death of an Energizer
..gasps pampered by caution to become a lonely moment's sigh.
brain bathing the next back in the rainy day echo



it was a Thursday but of no particular consequence


"i know that you have to...    "
  wavering resignation:  white flag waived

"Love is the drug."

just saying, now that i know better, now that i know  sweet 

might i will, wish i may  savor.


HEY, Savior-- do you sort your rainbows..
do you eat your favorite flavor first or last  ?

Saturday, August 26, 2006 

Current mood:faithful
Category: Writing and Poetry
rite
caitlin ann , copyright 8/26/6


there is a name for this devotion

honey sponge soaked and swelling care--- i should have
beads to count . . . to measure my awareness..
prove my meekness by the strength of my pose

? ? ?

might a better best blessing save me from this tender..
slaughtered lamb..  by my brittle crone's bones... i'll pilgrim
Lhasa.. i will kiss the earth for every burden's step ... the
perfect om in the short of breath to Marry genuflection ..purify
all Mighty crossed intent.. unbridal one compassion, break the bread
feed the ducks. . .     .    ripple this
reflection...
commune in crumbled cookie: 
"Connect the stars like numbered dots to paint The Golden Rule"   
71  16   6  9  19  68 

amen.. ahhmen--  man, may IT    be           so 

what is this prayer..? (hear.. here's a simple thought) 
did i  remember the rite words..
(do i truly care)

is this the rite key the tone the pose the proof the  the  and

is there need to call upon my kindness
every question owns the answer

this truth is an instrument of breath


















(thanks)