The blessing in every situation is when you are able to step outside of yourself and see a clear and present remedy to the matter…..

This past year I've been learning myself. Granted, I've been going through this process for almost twenty three years, but it has taken until twenty-second to finally become cognitive of the process. God has allowed me to be able to understand the things I've gone through almost in sequence with the time at which they take place. Furthermore, I'm seeing the growth as I'm growing.

My biggest hurdle has been defining my shallow definition of love. Youth assures a certain amount of trial and error in that department, and I have definitely made a few mistakes; whether it be falling to fast, falling knowing good and well there's cement at the bottom, or simply passing up the safest road for the scenic route. This past week though, I realized something that I'd taken for granted…. until now.

Tuesday morning my parents came down to Los Angeles to help out with my moving. I'd never really studied the two of them before. I understand my fortune in having both of my biological parents married and happy, but I never took the time to look at the complexity and depth of their relationship. Rather than bore you with every intricate detail, I'll sum up my data by saying that they truly, madly, deeply love each other without selfish or shallow intent.

You're thinking that since they've been married for approximately thirty one years, this shouldn't surprise me. Actually it does, I know plenty of people who have long lasting tumultuous relationships, in which they stay due to comfort and security – not happiness, admiration, nor fulfillment. I watched how she cares for him and he nurtures her, how they speak to each other (even when irritated) with caution and respect, how he knows her and she respects him, how they honor each other, and how they are simply happy with the each other's existence (realizing all else is icing on the cake).

Not to say that this happened over night, but I've realized that true love doesn't require the smoke and mirrors, the trust issues, the wondering, the deconstruction and then reconstruction of one's self in order to attain some unrealistic level of perfection. The love that I am waiting for will happen as naturally as my consumption of oxygen. I used the metaphor of breathing because though it is often done without a second thought (involuntary), there are moments when I have to be cognitive of its occurrence, appreciate its value to me, and put forth effort to assure its continuance. In this way, love shouldn't be a chore, or forced, or even constructed… It simply happens. With that, I move forward...................................

QUOTED FROM SLOAN'S BLOG

WOMEN PLEASE READ!!! My friend Naila wrote this...

My friend Naila wrote this. I thought it was very interesting and honest. What do you think??

When I first moved to Los Angeles a little over nine years ago, I thought I had life and men all figured out. I was fly, so in my world, there was no reason for me to date you if you weren't a baller. There was NO (do you hear me when I say NO space) space for anyone who wasn't improving my status. I dated just about everybody, ( keeping it real) open and closed damn near every club in this city for three years, all the while constantly being put in the chick on the side, hoe on the side, friends with benefits box. I was amazed as these dudes I spent the night with would show up on television with someone else on their arm, and eventually wife another woman, who at the time, I felt wasn't as pretty as me, or not as this or that as me. I sat down one night on my couch, crying to a friend about how all I wanted was a man like my grandfather, or my dad, a man with honor, and courage, and a man worthy of my respect who would love me no matter what. Somewhere in the middle of that conversation, I had my lightbulb moment.
In those first few years here in Los Angeles, I had jumped from job to job, trying to work as liittle as possible so I would be available to leave town at ;ast moment's notice to go to a party, go sleep with a man or to do something else equally stupid. I had no real career to speak of, and spent what money I did have on clothes and gear that would keep me in the running to get " that man." Somehow, I thought they wouldn't notice my huge departures from the truth ( a fancy way of saying i was LYING all the time), they wouldn't notice that my finacial situation was shaky at best, and for all the clothes and shoes I had, my self esteem was in the gutter. Funny that I was demanding so much in a man, yet all I was giving back was a pretty face and some promises.

SIDEPOINT TO ALL THE WOMEN..
1. no man wants a woman that is in the streets every single night. He might tell you it's cool, but trust me, it's' not. If you are so happy with what you have, why would you be in the streets anymore anyway?
2. if all the men you date are athletes, actors, producers and the like...the real men know what you are about...even if you haven't said it.
3. Men know what you are after, even if you don't. Men are smarter than we give them credit for.
4. Just because they sleep with you, doesn't mean they like you as a person. It just means they wanted to sleep with you.
5. As fine as you are, don't let your fineness be why you think they will stay with you. Right around that next corner is another chick just as fine..
6. You sleep with a man with a girlfriend, he's NOT going to leave her to be with you.
7. If you get around, so will your name. Believe that.
8. That man wouldn't quit his job, be late to his job for you. Don't you do it either.
9. Ballers can sniff out a golddigger like a woman can spot a pair of cheap shoes.
10. There are a lot of really, good men.

No one could love me, or attempt to, because I ( the real me) was hiding so deep within and behind all my stuff, that most men weren't going to even attempt get to. To the credit of some men, even with all of the shit I had going on, some of the men I was dealing with tried to crack my facade, maybe because they saw glimmers of the woman hiding beneath. But in the end, it was too much for any man to handle, I needed to do the work on Naila, for myself. By myself.
My grandfather was a blue collar worker all of his life. He waited on people as a waiter at a five star resort most of that time, and gave his life to work so his sisters and his family could see and have a better life. Every day he came home from work, with a smile and prepared to give as a father and grandfather to us. He was not a rich man in a material sense, but when he died, people whose lives he touched came from all over the country to pay their respects to him, some even asking us to hold the funeral until they got there. The line of cars stretched back further than I could see. A great man had died, and every life he touched knew that. Yet, the woman I was, the life I had been living, I was knocking men potenially like my grandfather out the box every day. I had neglected to see my own hypocrisy. By dating only " ballers" I removed a chance to see and fall for men exactly like the man I admired most, my grandaddy.
So life finally grabbed my by the neck, and I get it now. I took some time to work on Naila. Instead of jumping in a fast car or sleeping with every fine man I met, I took a moment and searched my own soul for some answers. I rediscovered why I moved out here in the first place, and undertook the process of reclaiming the friends I had, and puttitng my family first.
It's been a few years since my awakening, and for the most part, the men I have dated since then have been wonderful , amazing men with dreams, aspirations and values and morals similar to the ones I grew up with. The relationships came to an end, but I retained those men as friends. I have a man now who knows all of me, and gets me. I give him the same love back. I'm not dating him because of what he has or what he may have. I fell for his quiet confidence, the way he can make me laugh, his honesty and his desire to be great. I work hard each day now, and I save my money instead of spending every dime I have on another shoe. I 've found balance in my life, and I have found what really matters to me. It's not what my man drives, what he makes, or in what zip code he lays his head. Now I delve into what makes him happy, how he loves his family and how he honors his friends. I look to how he respects me, and how he holds to his word. There are a lot of men in Los Angeles, as amazing as my grandfather. But in order to see them, I had to first see myself.
I'm not perfect by any means, but the girl I was when I got here, well, she's gone.
Naila is here now.