Even with the drugs I feel like I've got needles in my stomach. I'm about to run out of Vicodin and I'm pretty nervous about it. I know I've said it before but I don't mind dying or getting hurt. It's the pain I can't handle.

I need some help scanning. I basically need someone to make high quality, @ 300 dpi, black and white scans of all the pages of the first two issues of my fanzines. It's about 50 pgs, 8 ½ x 11. You can just send them to me on a disc. I would do it myself but I'm way too messed up to do that any time soon.

 

If you can help, email me at honeybearrecords@yahoo.com

I saw another Doctor today. I liked this guy. He seems to have a plan that makes sense. Gonna wait until Monday so I've been off of the antibiotics for a full week. Then he'll do more blood cultures to see what the white blood cells are doing and from that he'll have a pretty good idea as to whether I still have an infection or not. I described to him the kind of pain I have lately and he felt that a lot of it, especially the sharp stomach pains and cramp like aches in my back, have to do with recovering from the surgery and the possibility that small amounts of air got in and just need to be worked out naturally. In the meantime, stay on the Vicodin. No problemo. As for the numbness in my leg, it might have to do with something that happened in the ICU. He wants to wait a few more days and see if it improves. If not, I may need to see a neurologist and find out if something happened in the hospital that might have cut off some nerve endings. Basically, I may never walk the same again. But at this point, I almost don't care if the pain would just stop...

Okay, I really don't know what to do at this point. I haven't seen or heard a word from anyone from St. David's since I got out. How do I know if I do or don't still have the infection? I've run out of antibiotics. Do I need more? Still hurt like hell, should I keep taking the Vicodin? I only have one refill left. It's weird. I'm a little buzzed all the time which stops me from taking any action or making any decisions or anything. All I can do is vedge out watching TV and plunking meaningless shit on the internet. I'm so confused, it's in the mid to high 90s today and I've turned off the AC because I've felt cold. I was even wearing my hoodie. I mean, I fucking hate hot weather! Watching that Oprah thing with Sinead O'Connor made me think I was crazier than I thought. I really feel like I don't know what's going on at the moment. It's as if any moment it will all clear up and be done forever.

Waking up is the worst part of my day. First of all, when I come to, the Vicodin has usually worn off, so I'm in the midst of pretty sharp pain. I've been kidding myself that it's been getting better. I'm just a little less wierd now that I'm done with the anti-biotics. I'm still dehydrated and in pain.

Because of where the pain is in my stomach, that first time sitting up is incredibly painful. It can literally take me up for 45 minutes just to get into sitting position. I usually grab the pain killers first which eventually work. But it means I'm in a ton of pain for the first two to three hours of every day.

My physical therapist says that problem 1 in my apartment is my futon. Liberty and I have a Queen size futon mattress flat on the floor. Apparantly that is really bad as if we were on a frame I'd be able to use gravity and counter weight to get myself up fairly easily. He also says that at my age, sleeping right on the floor is very bad for everything from my back to my cardio to straining muscles in the morning that shouldn't be strained.

I have to admit that I like the look of the futon mattress on the floor. But I'm 40. Gotta stop living like it's 15 years ago and I'm still living in a Dutch squat. Those were great times. But those times are gone.

If anyone has any ideas or knows anyone that could help us get a deal on a frame, PLEASE let me know. It's pretty urgent and we're not looking for something cheap and free. It's worth paying for. We need to get a quality frame and if anyone has any suggestions as to which are better quality or what is the cheapest way to buy a new frame, please write.

Done with the antibiotics for now. That's nice. Tired of being sick, nauseous, no appetite, whatever. It will take a couple of days to feel normal.

Going full speed ahead with the Vicodin. I just don't want the pain anymore.

Found a spot on the back of my head where all the hair fell out. The skin in numb like my leg. It's upsetting. Could be from all the stress. But that's no good.

I just need to not write about being sick for one day. Just give me this...

Isn't this story rather suspicious? The guy that was trying to extorts millions from Tom Cruise over what I can't imagine are especially important wedding photos, winds up dead. Not a ton of investigation. He's just dead. Now, I don't know. They guy was probably scum. This is the guy behind the Screech Sex Vid and the Tonya Harding wedding night Vid. he also was selling Paris Hilton's diary and for some reason had photos of Pfc Jessica Lynch topless. He doesn't sound like a good guy. But nothing about the story reads suicidal either. Am I the only person who thinks this is all suspicious? Is this the Vicodin talking? Fuck me...

It's almost over: the San Francisco Giants have two games left in what has been their worst season since 1996. I loved them then and I love them now and I have some of my best memories of games in the mid'90s when they had been eliminated for weeks. We would still take that bus down to the 'Stick and eat our footlong tofu dogs and cheer like crazy. It was me, Floyd, Christopher, Greta, Mikel, Kim, a lot of different people who I respected a lot. I think we knew how bad the team was. But we loved them and were behind them which I think speaks volumes about the kind of people we were... and I mean that in a very positive way. There is a certain dignity to professional athletes who may have been statistically eliminated from competition, but still go out and play the game at a level none of us will ever achieve. When people talk about getting back to the fundamentals I always think of that as meaning something philosophical as well as practical. I think we all got that. The Giants are bad this year. But I've loved following them, even tonight, and I'd still like for them to knock around the Dodgers just one more time.

Anyway, I just couldn't bring myself to write about sickness and infection right now...

Today was a long day. Vicodin three times (morning, afternoon, just now). I'm vanishing. Met with the doctor. My fever may be gone, which may be good. I'm running out of antibiotics which might be good. I still have pain, but I've stopped resisting the Vicodin. The new problem is my right leg feels numb. It's weird. I'm walking a little more every day. But my leg still feels like a weight. It makes standing hard. It's a strange numbness which might have been caused by the breathing aparatus I was on. Could have been from something else in the ICU. In a nutshell, it might be because somebody fucked something up and my leg may be fucked forever. I can still walk. But it's difficult. Still, could be nothing. I'll know more in the next week. I like the new doctor (my fourth in a month).