SUMMER BLOCKBUSTERS!!!!!

This year (as usual) has an assload of movies trying to kill use one $5 tray of "nachos" at a time. Breakin' it down:

Iron Man (May2): Looks amazing. Possibly the best movie of the summer. Marvel is really stepping up their movie making chops. Look for Sam Jackson as Nick Fury to show up as often as Stan Lee from now on. The big must see for me.

Was awesome. Words fail me. Should've sent a poet. Fuck, I was the best Marvel Movie EVER. On the same level as FASTIC FOUR: RISE OF THE SILVER SURFER in effects and the Dude was the Iron Monger. The Big Lebowski as a war profiteering corporate dickweed. Brilliant.

Speed Racer (May9): The reason so many men are disappointed with NASCAR. Live action Hot Wheels brought to you by the bros. who brought you the first Matrix? Win. The 2nd & 3rd Matrix movies have me worried. Still, it's a MMSM (Man Must See Movie) solely for how cool the drive home will seem.

Didn't see it. Wanted to but just never did. But that's why John has such a huge TV. So it's all good.

Chronicles of Narnia: Prince Caspian (May16): I saw the first Narnia and loved it. Bought the DVD and just can't watch it. I'm not too sure what that means but any movie series that starts with SANTA CLAUS GIVING CHILDREN LETHAL WEAPONS AND TELLING THEM TO GO TO WAR is worth a second look.

Didn't see it. Um, Jesus Lion just doesn't do it for me. The series seems to lack the heart of Harry Potter and the EPIC of Lord of the Rings. Just not my cup of tea. Fuck, I wish I had a real reason but it's just not my kind of movie.

Indiana Jones and the Kingdom ofthe Crystal Skull (May22): Go see it. Just don't expect the second coming. Just like Phantom Menace, this will be a great movie that everyone (ie: nerds on the internet) will hate. But I'm expecting it to be at least as good as Temple of Doom. A great popcorn adventure movie. Adventure has a name and it's Indiana Jones.

I loved it. It was the great adventure I was hoping for. And considering the era of nuclear paranoia it was set in, the sci-fi tone really worked. After the Bomb, the Power of God in the form of a Golden Box just seems... quaint. But most importantly, the GOOD outweighed the BAD. Highly recommended.

Incredible Hulk (June13): Look, a lot of people didn't like the first Hulk movie. You one of them? Great, doesn't matter. This one has nothing to do with it. It's more like the TV show from the 70's. I'm going to be pissed if it doesn't end with Banner hitching down a dusty road with that heartbreaking "sad walking away" theme. Plus Tony Stark is in it. And it's the only big movie in June.

They summed up the Incredible Hulk prefectly with the six words he said in the movie: "HULK SMASH!" The expected, Hulk is any expression of rage and frustration. "Betty." Banner loves Betty and Hulk is Banner in his truest and most honest form. But the character is best defined with the first words he forlornly speaks after throwing around a dozen badass soldiers and bullies: "Leave me alone."  Ladies and gentleman, this is the Incredible Hulk.

Hancock (July2): Will Smith in a superhero movie. On the 4th of July. It's going to be sold out and no one knows anything about it. Will Smith. Superhero. See it. Fun Fact: the original title was "Tonight, He Comes." Seriously.

I loved Hancock. But it should have been called Ultimate Sentry and ended with Sam Jackson wanting to talk to him about the Avengers Initiative. The movies tagline should have either been "Call me ASSHOLE one more time" or "Good Job ."

Hellboy 2: the Golden Army (July11): I still remember seeing the trailer for the first time: "WTF is this fairy garbage? This looks like shi- oh, hey, Hellboy! Yeah, I'm seeing that!" Quarky and sweet, Hellboy is one of my favorite movies. Not bad for a flick about a demon from Hell that eats Baby Ruths and lives in New Jersey. But if you didn't like the first one, you won't like this one.

Yeah, wanted to but waited too long so it's out of theatres. I wanted to see how they were going to transition from the religious/Lovecraftian themes of the first one to the mystical/fractured fairy tale of this one. What's with this director and the eyes on the palms? One thing I do know, those are the kind of Tooth Fairies I'm going to tell my kids about. It'll save me a fortune!

Dark Knight (July18): It's Batman. You will see it. The last movie of the "great Heath Ledger." Insiders are already talking Oscar for him as the Joker. That's without the movie even being seen by anyone yet. I'm sick of it. He's not the first actor to die before a movie came out. Hell, Brandon Lee died on the set. No Oscar talk for him. You know why? Because the studio didn't turn his death into a viral ad. Was he a good actor? Yeah, he was. But if they're giving out awards for the things one could have done, the Oscars are going to be a LOT longer next year. But I am going to see it. It's the Goddamn BATMAN.

Yeah, I loved it. The Joker was phenominal. Two Face was hidious. Batman was... all right I guess. He just didn't stand out in this movie. Maybe that's why they dropped his name from the title? But calling it "the Joker" would have been in bad taste. One thing that does piss me off? I would have loved to see Ledger's Joker and Spacey's Luthor in a World's Finest movie. The title wouldn't even be referring to the heroes at that point! But, alas, it wasn't meant to be. And that really sucks.

the X-Files: I Want to Believe (July25): That's right, Special Agents Fox Mulder and Dana Scully are back! Remember all the stuff like the black oil, ice picks, and (my favorite) bees? No? Good because they don't come up. It's Mulder & Scully, some weird shit, and cursing! Yeah! I'm going to see it eventually but as cool as the X-Files was, the 90's were a different time. The only people who were cooking up conspiracy theories were crazy people with a UFO fetish. Now a days, it's reporters on CNN and their all about the war. Space invaders seem kind of quaint now.

Okay, I saw it because Hellboy was out of theatres. That said it is a good movie. No, "good" is too strong. It was just okay. Nothing bad but nothing to really pull you in and make you have to see it. The whole reason it doesn't work anymore is summed up in the beginning: Mulder and Scully back in the FBI building after all these years and on the wall is a picture of George W. Bush and they play the whistling X-Files theme. The real world is weird and strange enough now. Basically, Mulder & Scully should forget the FBI and hook up with the BPRD! But truth be told, the best X-Files movie of the summer was Indiana Jones!

Now, I'm probably forgetting more movies than I listed but if I overlooked it I'll never see it anyway. I only do these things because when I was younger, I went to at least one movie a week and saw a lot of crap. Robocop 3 comes to mind. If anybody reads this, heed my advice on the movies selected. If you disagree with anything I said: Fuck You.

It's your $9.00

And no more student discount. What the fuck is that all about?

And every movie this summer should have ended with "I want to talk to you about the Avengers Initiative." Fuck yeah.

Today a new medical condition was announced.  Ponentially more dangerous then AIDS, cancer, heart disease and yes, even lupis.  This medical condition is the exact opposite of childhood obesity leading to diabeties.  And to make the blame simple, the condition is named after its horrific cause.  The condition is simply called:

 accute wii-itis.

This condition is thus far limited to a single diagnosed shoulder injury in the New England Journal  of Medicine but it may also be linked to carpel tunnel, tennis elbow and heavy breathing.  Also potential symptoms: overall physical fitness, increased energy, the sudden playing of outdoors sports, the sudden onset of friends and other social activity outside of the home, and general happiness.  Women who are nursing, are pregnant or may become pregnant should not take the Wii orally as that would be incredibly stupid. 

See the horror for yourself at:

http://cbs3.com/health/local_story_159174520.html

The saddest thing is I didn't make this up...

Is there anything that they won't overdramatize and hype up to cause parents to worry?  Seriously, when did the news stop being the news and just become an outlet for bitching about anything and everything?  Now they're telling you its not safe to play video games without attempting to link it to a school/random shooting.  Wii Sports is a fun exercise game that allows children to be within safe monitering range of nanny-cams and still they must find something.  "Video games cause obesity and general lazyness" has been the official medical buzz phrase spat out by every paranoid old man they call a video game expert.  Now the exact opposite is being cried from the hallowed halls of medicine.  "Video games are physically harmful" will now be uttered as the end all be all by television pundents who only decry games because they get beaten soundly by children each and every time they play.  But maybe they won't generalize it to all of video games.  Maybe they'll target the Wii and try to scapgoat it out of existence.  For shame Nintendo, for making our children exercize even slightly.   Don't you know the meat only stays tender if the calf is not allowed to move?  Are we this far gone a a culture/society/species that the only threat greater than inactive youth may be active youth?  "Sorry, kids you can't play anymore.  The doctor prescribes plenty of couch rest, 10 hours of Sponge Bob a day and zero exposure to sunlight.  There, that ought to keep you an overweight 8 year old until I tell you to get a job and vote Republican.  And if that doesn't work, I'll freeze you in carbonite."

Seriously, what the fuck is going on here?

What do you think?

Normally I don't post blogs (what with there being I feel like telling any of you shit about myself or my life over the government controlled/monitored internet) but Superman Returns was friggin' amazing... no, full on fuckin' amazing!  Caught it Tuesday night at an early screening at the Regal Edgemont.  Lios has a kid in it (named Jason) and he doesn't Jar Jar it up (unlike Katie Holmes being shoehorned it to Batman Begins) and the costume changes don't look to bad on the big screen!

Spidey 3 trailer, too!