Let us blow this in your ear hole.....

Bay Area writer/performers Beth Lisick and Tara Jepsen will debut their new two-woman show, Getting in on the Ground Floor and Staying There, July 24th at San Francisco's Center for Sex and Culture. Billed as a tribute, the show will explore ten years of comedic collaboration and continually making public what possibly should have remained private.

After years of generating new material for every appearance, whether the audience was thrilled, unappreciative, confused or otherwise engaged, Beth and Tara realized one thing. This was the only part of their lives, including romantic relationships, parenthood, pets, family, food and weather, that was zero percent bummer. Every coffee-fueled rehearsal, sparsely attended show (and occasional wild success), blown wig budget, overpriced mini trampoline bought at 15th and Mission, technical snafu, driving to San Diego to perform a packed show which garnered sixteen dollars counted out in ones, has been a success in Beth and Tara's minds.

Celebrating ten years and looking forward to fifty more even if it means wheeling their oxygen tanks onto the patio at El Rio for a benefit in January, Getting in on the Ground Floor and Staying There is guaranteed to make you feel something indecipherable.

Tickets!!
www.brownpapertickets.com/event/36190

Opening Thursday, July 24th at 8:00pm
Center for Sex and Culture
1519 Mission St. San Francisco

continuing July 25, 26, 31 and Aug. 1, 2
Tickets $12 advance/$15 door
www.myspace.com/caroleandmitzi
www.centerforsexandculture.org
www.brownpapertickets.com/event/36190

Carole and Mitzi Varnish the Patrons 8/24/06

C: Good evening socialites, nouveau riche, swinging dicks, and members of the punditocracy

M: Look at this crowd! Ripped straight out of the society pages of 7x7 magazine! I admit its one reason we got into film in the first place. To meet interesting people such as yourselves.

C: Mitzi met her last conquest at a film party, film in the sense that it was photo drive-through booth that was turning into an expresso and smoothie stand.

M: (doesnt remember) Oh, I dont know

C: Giancarlo, with the earring. Come on, what is today? Thursday? It was just last Tuesday.

M: The Italian?

C: Yes

M: Oh yeah, I guess I do like film people.

C: You may be wondering about our get-ups, why our style would appear irrelevant to the film arts world.

M: We were actually cast as a couple of fruits while just waiting at the BART station. A man from The Fruit Guys Incorporated saw us and said you guys are shaped just like a couple of costumes I need to fill.

C: I expected I would be a pear, but nope, instead Im top banana.

M: The man offered to pay us ten dollars a week to act this way, which initially we thought was ten dollars each, but is really ten dollars for both of us.

C: And weve always pooled our money, so we realized its the same thing.

M: So right now were actually not only making money at this fancy party of a fundraiser, but were also acting out roles and getting paid by the food service industry.

C: Were working actors. I guess next thing we need to look into joining a union.

M: For those of you who think more abstractively, what the symbolism is that we are representing is the iconography of and relating to avatars commonly found in the film vernacular.

C: In laymans terms, Beauty and The Beast.

M: I think its time to get to the hand-out.

C: Hopefully weve mimeographed enough.

M: We got our favorite station at Kinkos does everybody know what Kinkos is?

C: Its primarily a reproduction outlet, but its interesting because while there is a staff on hand to assist you, the customer is also able, in fact encouraged, to take matters into their own hands. Whoever came up with this idea, all I have to say is, Kudos.

M: Yeah, Arrivederci to that guy! We always select a Macintosh and do all of our Myspacing there.

C: My only beef is with the fees old Kinko charges.

M: Well, if you think about it, we spent five hours at the terminal designing our collateral piece, and we had a lot of problems with spacing this time. And even after we got the photos developed, and were taping them onto the page

C: Free tape, though. Bonus!

M: But the printing, reproductive charges, and I think we might have been charged with a consolation fee because we asked that guy

C: The one with the Kinkos apron. Neat thing, they all wear these smart matching aprons. Its like their all chefs on the same extreme cooking team.

M: Well, we asked him if he preferred the regular arial font or the arial narrow.

C: Instead of a cool summery gazpacho, theyre concocting creamy sheafs and delicate reams.

M: By the time we paid for the reaming, we were in for well over $500.

C: So the first $800 we make tonight will just go back to paying my dad.

M: Caroles dad had to front us the money and his interest rates are really high because hes a one-man business and were his only customers and we didnt want to get involved with that loan shark again. It was some fancy footwork getting out from under him.

C: So we stand here before you, humbled by your presence

M: Trembling before God

C: Very conscious of presenting a united front so that we dont just look like a tax write-off in your eyes.

M: Genuinely interested in your humanity and pocketbooks

C: And no matter how much you pay us, we are well aware that everyone has a place in the caste system, and we have created strata

M: Strata bifidopolis, strata humonculus, human papillomavirus, etc.

C: We have generated a series of socioeconomic niches

M: from the basement to the penthouse


Ebony Philanderer $5000 +
Brass Circle Jerk $3000-4999
Captains Bilge $1500-2999
Simpletons Snuggery $700-1499
Top Dogg House $501-699
Bloggers Hovel $500 and under

C: Before we bid you adieu, we would like to extend a warm and wet molti grazie to Michelle Tea

M: Once we identified her as the person who was running our Myspace page views into the quadruple digits, we cornered her in a chat room, and she agreed to put on this benefit with only some gentle prodding

C: It only cost us two glossy headshots, autographed of course.

M: And $800.

C: Enjoy the evening folks. These are our golden years.

M: Arigato!

Laughing it up at the Hemlock 12/18/04


C: Good evening, elves and labia menorahs!

M: And if it becomes majora is it still Jewish?

C: Not if the mohel gets ahold of his little snippy clippers. Ow.

M: I want to point out that we have not yet saluted certain traditional fictitious creatures that characterize the celebration of Kwanzaa and I learned when I was small to feel bad about that, so Im sorry.

C: Mitzi, remember when we went to comedy traffic school to pay off that misdemeanor?

M: I will love that man until my dying day. Gary P. OLafferty. Will you marry me????

C: Remember what Gar told us about opening up a show with an apology? We used to always start our comedy shows with a heartfelt apology.

M: Sometimes regarding our lack of material, sometimes regarding the fact that we had booked ourselves as The Mommies when we werent actually The Mommies at all.

C: And now we are banned from performing in Marin County at nearly every club, café, deli, church and community center.

M: Or juice bar. Or fellowship hall.

C: We went to that comedy traffic school and what we walked away with, besides not ever attempting to make a Y turn in a parking spot, was how to start shows on a low note.

M: For all the red flags going up out there, we dont own a car, but Caroles dad does. And were grounded for another year.

C: it was nine years ago tonight that we were coming out of Target, excited by the purchase of a new electric griddle. I had had a little to drink earlier so I was letting Mitzi drive. Mistake number one.

M: There were so many cars in that parking lot. All the spaces were full and there were more cars circling the joint like sharks. I got nervous. I didnt think I would ever get out if I tried to back out.

C: I had fully reclined my seat and was dozing.

M: Caroles dads car is a compact, really small, does anyone else here drive a Scirocco? Anyway, when I knew I would never be able to back out of the spot

C: This is still debatable, you didnt even try.

M: Well, I got over the regret of not backing in and figured I could just turn around in the spot by doing a series of two-point turns.

C: So technically the car was being put in reverse, moving a couple inches, then forward a couple, then back, and forward, what I would guess was ad nauseum if I had been awake.

M: There came a point when I had moved the car so it was perpendicular to the cars on either side of me.

C: I woke up thinking we were home when in fact the engine had been cut and Mitzi was smoking a cigarette. The front end of the Scirocco was pushed up against the passenger side door of a Ford Windstar, and the back end abutted a Subaru Justy. Were stuck, she said.

M: I was gathering myself.

C: I grabbed the cigarette out of her hand because for one, Mitzi doesnt smoke, and for two, smoking is not allowed in my dads car. Ever. That added another year to our punishment right there because he could smell it later. I got outta the car, escorted Mitzi to the passenger side, and took over operations from there.

M: Without a cigarette I had no vice and had to face the consequences of my actions. But then I remembered we had just bought five jumbo bags of peanut M&Ms and so I lost myself in tiny chocolates.

C: And I got us the hell out of there. I started with a gentle nudge to the Windstar, and another one back to the Justy. There was no play to work with. I had to push the cars away. I really gave it.

M: She bet me she could do it in four shoves.

C: I lost my shirt on that one. It took me a lot of shoving but every inch I gained made me hungry for more. I wanted to feel that car move. We finally got out of the spot and to my surprise

M: A crowd had gathered. Cut to an hour later, were in those plastic cuffs that look like zip ties, waiting for the REAL cops to show up, not the crappy Target jerkoffs.

C: Were sitting there with some low-level teenage shoplifter, they take the usual polaroids, and needless to say, after a lengthy court battle, we have some hefty fines and traffic school.

M: Her dad paid the fines but whoa boy we are paying in rubies for this one. Technically the state of California returned our licenses after one year, but Caroles dad grounded us from car privileges for ten years. So hes holding our licenses for one more year as of tonight. That man rules with an iron fist.

C: We deserved it. When he doles out punishment we take it like men. No whiners. I see the word whiners typed out very large, encircled by a red circle, and then a line coming in at a diagonal across it, which means, No Whiners. Got that?

M: Can I whine about Christmas a little bit?

C: Seg to the ue, Fitzsimmons, seg to the ue. We may veer off into uncharted or unplanned material, but this one always brings us back with her siren song.

M: Christmas! Its earlier every year! I say we start shopping in June! Pipe in the white christmas at the grocery store year round so were never out of the mood.

C: And whats up with kids toys these days? You need a battery to run the battery that comes inside the remote control for that miniature version of the computer game you can get on your cell phone walkie talkie

M: With three-way calling capability. I need to make an emergency breakthrough!

C: And what about office Christmas parties? Neither of us have ever worked in an office but we did pick up some extra hours this holiday season by scooping cashew chicken for the good people at a large semi-conductor corporation which shall remain nameless.

M: These people live complicated lives! Maybe its just funny from the outside.

C: Well as you might expect the mood really changes after everyone has had a couple drinks.

M: We had funny thing happen. I had been moved down the steam table to the ham slicing station.

C: I had signed up for ham

M: On a sheet she printed out at Kinkos

C: Either way, I had signed up for ham and EVERYONE knew I wanted it.

M: But the buffet manager never saw her sign and I wasnt about to hand it to her on a platter.

C: A ham platter! Where I come from there is a measure of prestige ascribed to the position of ham slicer. I saw your bogarting the ham platter as an assault on my sense of justice and desire for status in a system recognized only by myself but important nonetheless.

M: None of us lasted too long on that buffet line once the foreman arrived. Apparently hes always wanted to be a stunt man, and nothing calls out to a man with the stunt bug more than some low-hanging chandeliers and a champagne fountain.

C: I got booted in the back of the neck, which lucky for everyone, Im used to whatwith Mitzi around, but it all devolved from there.

M: I had known an office environment, or even an event filled with people who work in an office, would be funny. Think about all the comics devoted to offices: Dilbert, Cathy, Prince Valiant.

C: But we had no idea that humor would have its painful side. We expected jokes about the copy machine, a tipsy office manager, but as soon as we saw the fear and hatred bloom in the eyes of those people, we knew we had to get out of there.

M: And back to our apartment. Where Christmas is celebrated peacefully.

C: With a full gallon of pancake batter and some blackout curtains we bought from a motel supply website.

M: My routine is that I usually wake up on the early side because I have been designated the Gatherer of the Blueberries.

C: If you havent read our fan site yet, you might not know that we only eat pancakes.

M: Once a year, on Christmas morn, we add a few handfuls of blueberry to that batter. Thats why Im up and in the frozen foods section of Safeway at dawn.

C: Mitzi loves anything thats frozen. Except pancakes, which according to the Golden West rule, must always be fresh.

M: Thats why, when weve put one too many on the griddle, we make a charitable donation to the citys indigent, transient and nomadic population.

C: Say Ive put too many on my plate

M: AGAIN!

C: Instead of pigging out and vomiting under the couch cushions

M: AGAIN

C: It finally dawned on us that we could scoop the uneaten portions off of our plates and distribute them to the needy.

M: Well, the needy need to be the quick needy because it is cold in December.

C: If you dont walk by our front door within about five minutes, youre shit out of pancakes!

M: it may not sound like the holiday spirit to you guys, but were taking it one day at a time.

C: One day a year.

M: And for one night only

C: we are

M: Mitzi Fitzsimmons and

C: Carole Murphy.

M: Peace on earth

C: Goodwill toward all creatures.

M&C: See you next year.