What do you do?

they say pain lets you know your still alive
well what happens when pain is all you've ever felt
and you never felt alive to begin with
do you continue on that road or try to stop is somehow
what if your always trying to change that feeling you have always felt
only to find your unsuccessful
what do you do when the feeling becomes unbearable and you start to think this life isnt worth it
do you lose hope and just give up
or do you keep pushing on hoping for a brighter day
what do you do when you feel like no matter what you do you cant do it right
that all you think about is how invisable you feel to everyone

what do you do, what can you do
how do you make it better, how do you fix it

what do you do when all you long for is someone to love you
but can never quiet get that love
what do you do when your world starts to crumble all around you

what do you do, what can you do
how do you make it better, how do you fix it

do you let it happen or do you continue to fight
what happens when you feel you have nothing left in you
when you start to breakdown
who do you run to for help
who do you talk to
all you can do is sit and wonder why you feel this way

what do you do, what can you do
how do you make it better, how do you fix it

do you just sit and cry wondering why
or do you try to battle harder
what happens when the nightmares wont go away and your scared to sleep
do you just live in fear forever?

what do you do, what can you do
how do you make it better, how do you fix it...

i doubt you will read this but just maybe...

i try over and over to tell you what you mean to me but you just dont seem to understand. or you pretend well one of the two. so here...you mean so much to me, i tell you all the time this was not supposed to happen like this. but im glad it did because even for a moment i was happy. i understand you are going to leave and it hurts like hell now i dont know what ill do when you actually leave. i hope you have fun and think about me. i will be thinking about you every day. hoping your safe. every morning i dont wake up with you i am thinking about you. every night i dont go to sleep with you, you are the last thing in my head. you are one of the reasons i get up in the morning. you are one of the reasons i just keep pushing. i will do anything for you, and you know this. i have showed this to you time and time again. you mean way more than you should and you know to me. your one of my best freinds, my love and everything ive ever wanted.

life is pretty much shitty right now, i keep trying to tell myself it could be worst and it will get better. there is so much that is going on in my head and i dont know what to think. i really miss you, i feel lost without you and im not sure what the future holds for us and i really hope its what i want, what i dream of. the rest of my life could be shitty if only i could spend the rest of my life wiht you. i want nothing more than to be with you. shit man i feel so incomplete with out you being here with me. i hate this.

it's all I've got just to stay down
why the fuck am I still down

ich liebe dich
zu mir nach Hause bald kommen

i dont know what the word for it would be, some say inlove some say pathetic.
i feel like im addicted to a person like a drug and i havnt even seen that person in a while. i miss my friends back home. its like you get used to talking to a person everyday even if you cant see them and then poof the are gone and you dont know what to do or think. i just want to cry i feel like some thing in my life is missing now, im incomplete.

life is hard right now...

ich liebe dich

i love it here, honestly this is the best thing ive ever done. my barraks is single roomed so i live alone and its like a little apartment, its cute i need to get things for it to make it feel more like home. but i will soon. im still looking for a computer. im going to hopfully in the next 2 weeks. i get to do wht ever i want pretty much when im off duty. we are doing the cop thing right now so when i get done with my inprocessing ill get to drive around and arrest people woohoo. im hopfully comming home for xmas haha a 770 dollar ticket for 12 days crazy huh? its pretty awesome to be able to sit at a bar and talk to the bartenders while having a drink. or not getting carded when you ask for a beer. wich by he way is pretty amazing i love germany beer. im having a lot of fun. im picking up bad habbits i need to stop. but ill be okay i need to do some pt so i think im going to get up around 9 tomorrow go work out then get chow. we are going to a movie tomorrow too so it should be a good day. well i have o finish laundry and clean night all

i dont know if i should show him the pictures i have of his son, i probally will before i go to germany.

speaking of wich, i cant believe im going to germany in just a few more days, i cant wait at the same time i want to stay home. i like the army i thought i hated it until i came home i like the disipline and structure in my life when im doing the army thing. not that i dont have it at home but no one around me does and its irratating.

hmm what else? ive decided i like being single also ill find someone when the time is right and now isnt right in a few weeks/months ill be in iraq what the hell will i do with a boyfriend in iraq?

time to eat ill finish this later

i thinkk about you to much for my own good. letting you in to far too fast. i like you a lot. and im leaving again. i wont want to. but ill do it. so youll be prooud of me.

 

vaca is fun :) im half excited to go back and half not. i have a clearer mind and i hope everyonne else does to so we wont act 5 anymoe. heh.

 

the army is for me i decided being home makes mme see that. im glad i got this time to see that.

 

well thats all

So one day you wake up and realize, everything is diffrent, you have diffrent friends, your older, wiser, and more mature than ever. you know you still have so much to learn and experience but then you look back at all the things you have already from the good mistakes the stupid ones, and all the shitty and good things that happen in your life. and you then realize all that made you who you are today it makes up the type of person you have become and you need to stop and think. is this how i want to live my life? is this who i think i should have become? am i heading in the right direction? some people are and some arnt. for me i think i am right where im suposed to be. sometimes i forget im only 18. because i have seen so much heartache, suffering and lonlieness in my life but i have also seen a lot of good times, great friends, and happieness. i have an equal balence and i dont think i would change it for the world. all the things i have been through made me a stronger person. it made me wiser and more mature. and i know i am in the right direction on the right path in life and i know i will become somthing great in my lifetime. weather its just me seeing the greatness or the whole world. but i know i will be. life is never so bad really. when you think you have it so terrible think of all the other people who have it worse. and thank (whoever you believe in) your alive. because you have something special and you should make somthing out of it. 

So its time for one of these its been months.

 

Things seem to be at high as of now but i know sooner or later it will call crash down. i can tell he cares from the way he looks at me when he is rubbing my head or holding me while we lay in bed. he touches me so soft i love it.

i layed out today and got a little sun burnt it dosnt hurt or anything  but im sure it wont feel good when im at work in all the heat. today is pay day im happy about it. im going shopping tomorrow i have to get food, and some things then to the mall i need a new bra one of mine broke :( poker tonight too woohoo. i should practice so i can win some money tonight.

well i think i should go now. not much more to say

 

much love everyone