http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Q11T2bbh4lA

Sometimes it's impossible to convince your co-workers that it's not that time of the month. Created by Renee Gauthier.

The above title is a quiz that keeps popping up on myspace when I sign off.
"Are You Fat? Take The Quiz"

I haven't clicked on it yet but can only imagine the quiz would be

1) YOu would rather eat or
A( Eat
B) Eat
C) Eat
D) Eat

I mean Jesus.... We all know if we are fat. I understand that it is not just by eating but who the fuck wants to take a quiz about their Thyroid or personal issues, like abuse?
DOWNER!

I think these quizzes are funny and stupid and i am guilty of taking a few....

"Which Sex and The City character are you?"
Obviously, Carrie.... only less nosey and chinny and much fatter

"Which Muppet Character are you?"
Miss Piggy, because I am apparently a fat bitch

"Are you high maintenance or low maintenance"

I did not finish this one because I got pissed that I may be leaning towards High and wanted to believe I was Low.

"The Extrovert test"

I am an extrovert with a nice balance of extrovert....

" Are You A Drama Queen"
YUP...once a month, big time

So you see, I don't need to take the "Are you Fat" Test because I don't want to know if I am technically a fat person
I want to stay oblivious and happy...good christ

Like any other morning, I wake up and take my 3 legger for a walk, get some coffee from my local Starbucks located across the street.
Today, a little more tired that usual, I ordered my coffee, grabbed a scone and went to the waiting area for my deeelish white chocolate mocha, non fat with no whip, OKay!

Anyway, posted in the area was a newspaper clipping with two older women holding hands across the counter. One an employee of Starbucks in WAshington, the other a regular who the article claims to pay for her coffee with coins everyday.

I am reading, because I do not have coffee yet, and it goes on to say that Mrs. Ausnes tells Ms. Anderson "I'm a match".
I almost immediately start to cry but hold it together because I am in public and just not pretty right now, crying would've enhanced my sick look. I read on and it is remarkable to me that a lady who is simply a Starbucks regular, now will have a chance to have a working kidney because of this selfless woman. Apparently the family was not a match and Ms. Anderson was dying, so Mrs. Ausnes decided to take it upon herself to get checked.
Fighting back the tears, I decided that I am coming to Starbucks for everything. I am sure they will get me what I need. I wonder how many phone calls they will get from people who need donors. Way to go Mrs. Ausnes, you just fucked your global co-workers. How will a person in a Starbucks uniform walk the streets alone? They best steer clear of ay health facilities.........Really nice.

Actually, it was really nice.

Hi everyone,

I just recieved my first Albuterol inhaler. Since I was a kid I wanted an inhaler ...there was a girl I went to grade school withl who had one... she also had bottle cap glasses and an interesting hairstyle, so the inhaler really enhanced her look.

I  used to watch her get out of runnning in gym with it and really wished I had one. Not realizing at the time that she couldn't breathe.

 I have been sick since Tuessday night with a high fever until Thursday and no ability to sleep or get off work. Now I have an inhaler.

 It looks so cute in my purse you guys. I am jet setting to England and making sure to have my 12 year old gear in tow....glasses...check.....retainer....check....acne cream.....double check....inhaler?????? yes I do.

I just almost cried but I took a puff instead

I wake up to the television and this morning "The Suite Life With Zac and Cody" was on. I actually sat there and watched a little..... then said to myself,
I already saw this one!

I don't know when my life changed but it clearly did. I know episodes that are made by slightly awkward looking twins who were in "Big Daddy"

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

I'm watching "Cosby Show". I find it funny that they always have a special guest who has some great historical connection and tells a great story to the kids about the struggle and teaching during slavery. I mean, how many of these amazing people could one family be associated with? It always seems to be a great great grandmother or something. I appreciate the fact that Bill wants to educate the ignorant.... but can't we just be realistic about how we know them? Maybe I am being nitpicky (spelling). Whenever these people are on the show it ends with a song or dancing. This one ended with a dragged out church song that honestly had clips of the family smiling at each other in appreciation. The woman singing wasn't even the great great grandmother.

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

"Eagle vs Shark" is out on DVD today. I am so excited because it is a great movie. I saw it twice because I wanted a friend to see it and share the hilariousness. So through the whole movie I laughed at a funny part and glanced at her to make sure she was laughing too, while I was laughing. Why do I do that? I need to make sure people are laughing at what I am laughing at or the experience is ruined for me and my opinion of their sense of humor is changed. Hahahaha (look over while smiling) hahahaha....You know you do it too. You see people do it. I saw a guy do it to his girlfriend at a comedy show... he was totally judging her.

Good Day

 

Starting January 4th Myself, Kyle Kinane, Mike Holmes, Mike Bridenstine, and Mike Burns ( when he arrives) are starting a new room in Santa Monica, CA.

I sent out a bulletin introducing the event in hopes to have some people come to the show. The show will involve videos and stand up..along with some" new material only" slots and so on. The first show is a great line up with guests Cynthia Levin and Eric Acosta along with the above mentioned.

After sending out the bulletin ,a comic that I barely met one time while doing a show together a couple of weeks ago, shot me an email on myspace which read...

Renee,
I would be interested in doing the this show in Jan. or Feb. What is the gimme a "Minute" part? And what is the video part?

I am the amaxing comedian you did Karna with a few weeks ago.
You check my crudentials on WEBSITE

So I respond

The name of the show is "Gimme a Minute" at Westside Eclectic in santa monica promenade. The best bet is to come to the show on Friday and meet all of the guys who book it.
The Video part is showing videos comics may have made.

Cool
Renee

He responded with
renee, i appreciate the invite, but i'm a pro comic.

hanging out to try to get a future spot is not really my thing at this point.

I was so surprised that someone actually typed this. He acted as if I asked him to intern for me... or bring 10-15 people. I felt like I needed to clarify because clearly someone who was not even asked to inquire about doing the show would not be so uppity about meeting people that do not know him. I guess I was not so clear.

I sent his link to the guys and they already were not impressed with his email that the video more that confirmed that this gentleman would not fit with the kind of comedy that is booked at the show. I am not bragging in any way but a guy who calls himself a "pro" is not very "pro"

So i respond to his last email despite several drafts including sarcasm, I came up with this....

David,

Because I do not book the show alone, I thought you would want to meet the other comedians who book it with me and check out the show style. For right now I will forward your link to everyone and we will let you know. I assume that since alot of the rooms out here tend to be bringer and glorified open mics, is the reason you felt the need to call yourself a pro comic. This is a professional show with great potential to turn weekly, with buzz. We are all Chicago based comics that want to run a show that is worth being booked on with all talented line up.

Take care
Renee

So I thought it was professional. The guys thought I should just tell him "Fuck you" but he seems like a nice enough guy. Then he responded with this

i won't/don't do most of the rooms in l.a for the reasons you listed.

don't worry about forwarding the link. i'll skip doing the show.

I responded with

Great!
Have a Happy New Year!

He responded with

renee,

you really didn't need to reply to the last email.

Then I realized that this "pro" deleted me as a friend and he acted as if he were passing up on a slot that was not even offered to him. This is exactly the kind of person that I would never even be friends with. I am baffled at how arrogant and defensive people get. I am not even the booker of the show. We just want to have fun! Why do people like this have to act as if they are better than everyone?

I need a Midol.

Today I found myself at work waiting on some racist women who had a whole lot of attitude and ass.

The first meeting she drops "white trash" on me .. I don't mean trash of the color white or her mannerisms were white trash, she was not white, I mean that this woman was talking to her boyfriend about some "piece of shit white trash girl that she works with". Now, I am not easily offended, however the way she said it really packed so much hate that I was offended and wanted to tell her that she was an unattractive women who clearly hates her life and no, eating the fish sandwich will not make you lose weight, considering you just had a plate of cheese toast to start! The whole time I waited on her she looked at me like I called her a cunt several times.

People should know: When you are dating someone who sucks out in public, you should order in.

I work with someone who always looks like she wants to die. I mean she laughs at nothing and barely talks to me. She has the worst breath I have ever smelled so I am fine with her silence. She also has the worst hairstyle and I am baffled that people are like " I love your hair" because, no they don't. So one day in the middle of the floor I called her by what I thought her real name was, you follow? So if they call her sammy I assume she is samantha...okay so let's go... so I apparently called her the wrong name and in front of guests she yelled at me that, that was not her name.

People Should Know: When you have bad breath and an attitude, that is only a problem you can fix within and at a dentist. If something so innocent makes you so angry, then you should kill yourself or see a therapist.

 

Halloween is coming upon us and that means all of the closet sluts come out. I am so tired of seeing trampy versions of everything. I may just buy these outfits and wear them everyday but Halloween this month . I mean they are costumes, which means I get my "be a slut with no judgment" card, right?
I get it, it is a fun, "come and get me" thing for girls. However there is no excuse for the "Slutty Banker....just a tie and a minie skirt with money and deposit slips coming out of your g string" or "Slutty Target Worker....plunge red polo and khaki underwear with comfortable gym shoe high heels and a checkout scanner in hand"*****

People Should Know: The only outfit that should and could be worn slutty for Halloween are- "Slutty Girl" "Prostitute" "Stripper" "Transvestite" Showgirl" and "Strawberry Shortcake"
The above are obvious and i am sure I missed a few...but Strawberry Shortcake, because it was inevitable that she was going to become a "prosty" (short for prostitute) She grew up living alone baking pies and there was always "Purple Pieman of Porcupine Peak" trying to "Get her strawberries"
Clearly he molested her and she was ruined for live

 

****Not real costumes

I just moved from across the hall from a 2 bedroom apartment where I shared my room with my sister and an apartment with a foreign girl with good intentions to a two bedroom to bathroom... I have my own room and TV again, dreamland. At the other apartment we only had TV....no cable.In Dreamland I have basic cable which is so delicious, I cannot explain. "What's the catch, this sounds too damn dreamy" you ask? I am now addicted to reality television on a level that is not even acceptable..

First... "Age of Love"
Which is about an Australian tennis star who is 30. It is very much like the "bachelor" which I NEVER watched, excpet that is has 10 - 20 somethings battling 10- 40 somethings for this 30 year olds heart.
The show is riveting because you want the 40 somethings to win because they need the love more and you end up hating the 20 somethings for thier cockiness and they keep saying shit like " she is like my mom's age, he doesn't want an old bag". Oh man, I cannot get enough.. There is one girl Mary you cries literally for everything. Everything! She cried because she did not think she said enough to him at the cocktail party, cried because she didn't get to tell him about her dog at a the date they went on, she cried because he asked her to stay!!!!!!!!!!!!! For christ. It is down to 2 girls and i cannot wait...

Second, "Rock of Love"
This show is with Brett Michaels from the band Poison and he wants love. He has 20 women to start who live in the house with them and they are strippers, groupies, musicians. All of them at one time or another take their tops off... just for fun.. and he always says to them "Kiss" and then they kiss him. One of their challenges was to talk dirty to him on the phone and a doctor linked him up to see his heart rate... and whomever got it going highest, got to go on a date.
I am proud to say that two women on the show are from Chicago. One was Ms. Hooters...and the other is so nasty.. she is like late 30's but beat down.. ya know he catchphrase is "Don't threaten me with a good time" she has been kicked off... well she was kicked off right at the top but she came to the door to beg to be given a chance. So they let her...she got wasted and lap danced Brett... which is described as "hot at first but then painful" there you have it.

Third and I cannot wait to actually catch this one..

"Two Corey's"

About Corey Haim and Corey Feldman reuniting. They live in the house with Feldman's new asshole vegan wife and the previews are so mouthwatering.The last preview I saw was Corey Feldman telling Corey Haim that they are making a " Lost Boys" sequel and asked Feldman to make a cameo but Haim is not being asked...HAI M FUCKING CRIES....

Too much... I am a little excited and way shameful that I will be catching all of these tonight and tomorrow. Oh good graciious.. cable has ruined me.

I am excited to say that I went to my very first movie premier. There was no red carpet and camera guys walked right past me, well they stopped to confirm I was a  nobody and then walked by.

The movie I saw was "Crazy Love" it is a documentaty and it is hilariously crazy. I would definitely go see it if I were you. This movie has so many characters in it. The main couple are crazy asses to start but the friends interviewed are classic.

One of her friends looks like a rotisseri chicken with a blond wig. There is a butch police officer. There is one racist... priceless.

So at the premier was co-director and actor ( in other stuff) Fisher Stevens... he was in "Only You " with Marisa Tomei and Bonnie Hunt.

Marisa Tomei was there she was not dressed as cute as I would have liked, but she is gorgeous but seems kind of fullof herself. SAD

Gina Gershon was there who looked gorgeous and was so cool and dressed very low key and cute.

Willie Garson was there who played Stanford Blach on Sex and the City
I spoke to him at the food table and he is allergic to Tuna. Very cool guy

Patrick Breen ... who is in alot of small role stuff and he also played a role on Sex and The City.

There were some rocker dudes, because they dressed with bandanas and rocker hair... leather pants, but I did not know their names.There were also a few other people there that I recognized... but cannot place their names

 

I have been watching Family Ties, first season on DVD. Man was that, IS that show good. I am laughing out loud again and I believe in sitcoms when I watch it. I can almost hear my mom telling me the sloppy joes are ready when I watch them. Brings me back.

The theme song kicks it off right, ya know.

"I guess we've been together, for a million years..and I guess we'll be together for a million moooore. Well, it's like I started breathin' on the night we kissed, and I can't remember what I ever did before. (sing it if you know it ) What would we do baby, without us? What would we do baby, without us? And there ain't no nothin' we can't love each other throuhoogh, what would we do babaaay, without us...sha la la la..."
The writing is great, the characters are great and I find myself laughing the poop out of me because of one miss Tina Yothers. She played Jennifer...she is a pip. Her ugliness works until about age 12, then she can't really wit herself cute, you feel me?

Mallory is a little too pretty and when I look at her I think of her brother cuz I like the Bateman family. Jason Bateman was in "Silver Spoons"
Alex P Keaton....need I say more.

It brings me back and I think of "Growing Pains" Oh good jesus, I had a book on Kirk Cameron.... dreamy and very into God now...that is fine, I still thought he was cute up until now, until I saw him do an informercial about being a born-again christian. No thanks ...romance over

What about the ever fantastic, made sure I caught every episode.....
"Small Wonder"? Oh boy I loved that witty robot... when she would go haywire... and Jamie's dad would just take her dress off and work...on her..? That is kind of dirty. Remember her "brother" Jamie...he had an adorable lisp... gotta love a pudgy kid defending a robot in penny loafers and dockers for kids.
Let's not forget Harriet, the red-head neighbor who apparently had a thing for pudgy boys with lisps. Her mom was "Mrs. Pool" That was not her name in "Small Wonder" but it was in the "Hogan Family" which used to be "valerie" until they switched over to aunt Sandy Duncan, also with Jason Bateman. Mrs. Pool was the chubby secretary in "Ferris Buellers Day Off" and the rent-a-car clerk in "Planes, Trains, and Automobiles" Her famous line ...."No no no nonono"
I would love to see a "Small Wonder" reunion. I want to see everyone but Vicky MUST come back as a robot because I will not believe she is real no matter what she says....she played a robot toooo well. I like when they gave her the makeover the next season, they made her more teenagery...it is a word now.
I just went off about Mrs.Pool and I have had "Small Wonder" on my mind so long that I needed to talk about it.

The point? "Family Ties" is great ...do it
"Small Wonder" is horrible... and I will do it when it comes out on DVD.
and Mrs. Pool...where are you now?