Well I just thought I would fill in some of you guys on here about whats going on in my life. Well Rudy & I are taking a "Break" Which can end in a forever break up thing but might not. I do not agree with his state of thinking but im trying my best to accept it. Im very sad and im fighting back the tears now. Im trying so hard to be strong for my son and me. We are going to be moving out, starting over. I am alittle excited that I can start over but Im hurt that im doing it with out the one person I want the most. I know that life sends obstacles... I just wish that it wasnt such a big one. I want him back, I love him with all my heart.... I just wish that he would see what he is losing! I know that one day he will and when he does I hope that I am still waiting. I am leaving this in God's hands & if we are meant to be together we will down the road. Im waiting but forever is not an option for me. Little Rudy's birthday is on the 13th of next month and im sad that Rudy & I didnt even make it a year after he was born... We have been together since I was 15 (off n on) & I thought that we were going to be forever like we said. I guess forever doesnt really exist huh?

Please pray for me & my situation.... It would mean a great deal to me..

& to Rudy, I love you with all my heart, *Please* dont make me wait forever!

         Today was Lil Rudy's 1st Easter and he had a blast. I mean seeing him play around with the egg was just so amazing!
I wish that everyone could have seen it. It was the cutest thing int the world. Oh yeah, A lil update. He is almost 7 months. He will be 7 months on the 13th. He said his first word "BaH BaH" and claps all by himself. He smiles and laugh and jumps so much now. He rolls and rolls and rolls around.. And he even started crawling. I missed the first time because I was in the shower:( You cant keep him in one spot. I love him so much and with everyday I  love him even more. Its just so crazy how a little tiny baby can grow so fast into what I see today. I mean can you believe it? Time sure has blown right by. Rudy didnt get a chance to watch his baby on his first easter because of work but babe you would have loved it.

Leigha

Today I go to the Drs. I am really not looking forward to this at all. I will be confronting the issues of Diabetes as well as DEPRESSION & stress. I dont want to deal with this because that means that its actually in my life. As for the diabetes there are alot of things I have to deal with: Insulin shots if my sugar cant st normal. I try not to eat anything with sugar in it at all and it still shoots up in the 250's, those of you who know anything about Diabetes you know that a reading like that isnt good. Sometimes it will be like that before i even eat anything. Now fasting that isnt good either.

Now this Depression issuse, Rudy is going to bring it up to the doctor but i really dont want him too. If he says anything they will want me to take medicine and that is something I am not willn 2 do. I have been on every flippen anti-depressant there is. It didnt help me it just made me wanna kill myself more than i ever did before. Right now I want to live because of my baby but thats were the stress issuse comes in to affect. I am completly stressed. It can be about me & Rudy or just about life in general. There are so many things that make me stress out its not even funny. I stress about the diabetes, about me and Rudy, and about having to be in Rudy parents house when the baby is born. (That wasnt something I wanted to do at all!!) I am stessing about the appartment. We still arent on the top ten and this baby is going to be here in 2 months. Can you believe I only have 2 months left? Thats crazy right?

This baby is the most important thing to me and I dont want to lose him to complications because of how I feel. Rudy makes it a point to read about the things I am feeling & that scares me because of all the things that can go wrong. Not just with the diabetes but with the stress and depression. The way I feel the baby feels and that hurts my heart the most. With the depression the baby can actually die because I feel so horrible inside! Even with the diabetes he can die or even get diabetes from me when he is born. That isnt something i want for my little boy, I dont want to have to take his blood 4 times aday. I dont want him to have to take shots everyday just to stay healthy. He deserves the right to be healthy at birth. & you know what?  HE IS GOING TO BE!!! I will not allow the devil to hurt me anymore. I will not allow the devil to ruin my life. I am a child of god and with him all things are possible. God said in the bible that jesus bore all our pain so we didnt have to. NO pain for me anymore. This baby will be healthy!!!!

I am scared: Yes

But I believe in something bigger than you and me!

Everyone just pray that everything goes okay. Ill update everyone when i know whats up.

Take care,

Leigha

P.s. Rudy I love you SO much!!! Thank you for being there with me threw everything. This pregancy hasnt been easy on you and I thank God every day that you are here with me. I know you love me and this baby with all your heart. So.... Thank you & I love you!!!

Finally.... How long have i waited for this one moment. I got to hear my babys heart beat. I got to see him/her move and jump and bounce all around in my tummy. To get to see the happiness on Rudys face And not to mention my mom and aunties face. That moment made me even happier. I know now that this baby is alive & well. What can i say im just so excited!!! 6 Months left till i get to hold this baby in my arms. I got to admit this baby is going to be a lot of work but i got rudy and hes got me. We will do it together. Life, man, when you think that its all going to get worse it kinda suprises you. I was terrified that i would lose this baby also. But i thank GOD that he kept me in his sight and listend to all of my prayers. Life is just hard, But I am very happy to be living it right now. To my unborn baby, i cant wait to see you and hold you in my arms. I already love you so much!!!

Love always,
Mommy

Leigha

& to Ziggy, you are not forgotten.... I think of you everyday and i love you so much. You are mommys first & you are in mommys heart forever!!!

All i can say is wow. My baby is finally out of my body. He is perfect, even if he isnt alive. He was our baby. This means there no more what if hes still alive. I cry sometimes because i never got to meet the person i love so much. My boyfriend said how can you love someone so much you never met? I find myself asking the same question. How? There are other questions in my head. Could i have done something to save him. Was it my fault? Did i do something wrong? Did i kill my little boy? Why did god take him away from me? What did i do that was so wrong? I feel like it is my fault that my baby was taken from me. I feel that i failed as a mother. Its killing me inside to hurt so much, I dont know how to deal with this pain. Last night i was in so much pain, i couldnt move, all i could do was cry. I have never felt a pain like that.  Rudy tried to calm me down by holding me tight, however, not even his touch could sooth the pain away. As i held on to his hand i began to squeez, thinkin in my head if i hurt him it will go away. I love Rudy so much, i was so happy that he was there with me. He is my world, without him i would be nothing. I know that this has hurt him so much to have to lose his first child. I know in his heart he feels resoponsible. Like it was his fault, like it had somthing to do with his spermys. He did everything in his power to make me eat, to keep me away from ciggertte smoke. I still wonder what i did wrong. Why, thats the real big question i am waiting to get an answer for.

But to my baby, Rest in Peace.

I know that you are okay because you entered the pearly gates of heaven.

I will meet you there, you can greet me with the smile i know you have.

I LOVE YOU

* Mom *

You are my guardian angel