I am very fortunate to have this life. It started out very, very dark for me, but God wouldn't let me slip away. As soon as I came into this world, I was public enemy number one... a normal childhood was not in the stars for me. Let me go back a little bit so you understand why I came to be.
My mom and dad had their third son, Christopher, and he died at six months old from a disease in the mid-60's called the Hong Kong Flu for which they had no cure. One horrible night, he died in my dad's arms while he was speeding to the hospital. My dad was trying to give Christopher mouth to mouth, drive at top speed and hear my mom screaming, "Please save our son!" Christopher never made it and as my father held his dead son, he screamed to God to return his son.
Some years later, my parents had worked to put their lives back together, while still having two sons and trying to make it. I came along in '73, and to hear my parents tell the story, it was magical. They were in Yellowstone National Park camping in the wild with some very close friends. The night was crystal clear, the air crisp, the stars and the moon lit the earth like candle light. Time stopped for my mom and dad and they were suspended in love and it was that moment, there in fresh water, that I was conceived.
God made good on His promise to my parents. On January 7, 1973 I came into the world, and it was at that time that war started for me. My babysitter started burning me with cigaretts at six months old. I really don't understand what would drive anyone to do this but this went on for some time. Some years later the sexual abuse kicked in and lasted until I was about 12 or 13. This, along with other things, sent me inside of myself. My innocence was stolen, my identity ripped to shreds, my security, my sanity, my whole foundation pulled from under me. I was left to deal with what no child should have to survive through or deal with. I was watching porn at age 8, so confused, broken, unbalanced and lost. I felt worthless and dirty. Shame was my crown and pain my shroud. A quiet child going through hell in a home that my father and mother worked so hard to keep together, but they never knew the horror going on under that same roof. A secret I had to keep way deep inside for fear of ripping my family apart if they found out. The older I got, the harder it was because I began to see that this was not normal. My whole world was spinning faster... harder... down, down. It wouldn't stop. "Am I gay? What is going on? How and why could this happen?" I never had a choice. It was taken from me. I was violated and used, twisted for so many years and left to make sense of a situation you can't make sense of.
I pulled deeper within, shutting the world out and I just became an empty shell. I didn't want to exist... it hurt too much and too deep to exist. I dove into porn. For me it was safe becase it was just naked girls on a screen. They couldn't touch me or reject me, they couldn't lie to me, they never said a word. This sent me further into hell because it filled nothing and made me feel even more lonely, more dirty, more broken, more lost. How could I ever get out? How could I ever heal? How could I ever get back what was so viciously taken from me? I was quiet and gentle. No one could ever figure me out. On the outside, my good home, values instilled, but inside I was broken beyond repair.
My teens and my colledge days are kind of a blur because I was in a daze. I had bleeding ulcers at age 21 caused by all the stress and pain in my life. You see, no one showed me how to be okay. No one taught me how to deal. No one gave me answers. I had to do it all on my own. All I had were the values I was raised on and my horror. It showed me how no one should ever be treated. I was also a door mat being used up and sucked dry. I didn't ever say no because I starved for the approval of man because I didn't know who or whose I was. I got into unhealthy relationships that nearly destroyed me and I wouldn't leave because my low self-esteem and self-value outweighed anything good. I starved so much for love and family that it consumed me. This terribe cycle went on for a good fifteen years, adding more pain, shame and suffering to my life. My wounds got deeper and more infested and I fell so far within. On top of all this, I hated the church because of the physical abused and all of the abuse it put my family through. But God never left me the whole way through this thing. He stayed with me as His heart broke the whole time.
I came to Nashville in 1998 on a co-publishing deal with EMI Country from South Carolina. I was a mess, but I was still a prince in God's eyes. God used my very weakness (relationships) to get me back to church and that is where He began to bring me back. I began to go to mentoring programs and reading so many great books. i began to know Him on a different level. God began bring positive people into my life, and it scared me. The whole thing did, but anything was better than this hell. God began to bring me back to life. He began to show me who I was and He was so patient with me. I never believed I was special until that time. Slowly, I was being reformed from the inside out. You see, I thought that people loved me because I was a great singer and performer and that was it. God had the truth for me but it was a battle. My music career crashed so hard. I lost my deal along with my home, my car... anything and everything in my life had once again been taken from me. God wanted me exactly there... alone, lost, scared, hurt, ashamened, stripped, abandonded, so that I knew when I rose again, it was because of Him and not this world or man that delivered me but God and God only. I suffered so much but I am here today, so blessed, and now my music has substance and meaning. I believe more everyday that I am on purpose and so dear and special.
Six months ago, I told my father and mother for the first time my secret. They embraced me. They were calm and forgiving and so supportive. God restored me one hundred fold and what satan tried to take, He replaced and continues to replace. By the world's standards, I should be dead, in jail or violent, but I was and am God's child and He doesn't work by the world's standards. I always trusted and never blamed God, and that was a choice. Looking back at my life, I believe strongly that satan exists, but by getting through it and on top and blessed, I believe that God is also very real. Not only am I experiencing outer success, I am recovering strong on the inside.
Why have I told you this? Because I hope that my story may help someone, to show people that we are not all that this world makes us out to be, but we are what God put us here for. Discovering your purpose in life and who you are is dangerous to the enemy. You are here on purpose and you are not a mistake, no matter what. There is a God and He is waiting for you and loves you no matter what you've done, no matter what your doing, no matter what you've been through or are going through. I stand here on solid ground before you, free, blessed and on purpose.
Thanks for taking the time
God bless