That's right kiddies, we have made the exodus complete!

If you are on twitter, or your mom is on twitter, get your ass and her fat ass to follow us here: http://twitter.com/thefeldmans

You can get the up-to-the-second, inside skinny on the dangerous lifestyles of your favorite drunk rock heroes!!!!

Goddammit, CHECK IT OUT!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

thank you.

Alan and Melanie Feldman, owners and operators of Feldman's Photography, are
internationally acclaimed for their photographic excellence. Melanie is
an incredible make-up artist, portrait designer and known as "The Painter of Women" (Check out her art here).
Both regularly travel internationally to create outstanding family
portraits for discerning families. And, of course, they guarantee all
of their work!


Feldman's
Photography has been honored three times by the Tampa and Brandon
Chamber of Commerces as a semi-finalist for their Small Business of the
Year awards.



Alan has served on the Board of Directors of the International
Photography Hall of Fame, is past President of the Mid-Florida
Professional Photographers, past President of Brandon Rotary, has
served eleven years on the Brandon Chamber of Commerce and has taught
photographic skills to thousands of photographers throughout England,
Wales, Ireland, Scotland, Austria, Norway, and Canada and is a regular
lecturer to guilds of the Professional Photographers of America and the
association of Wedding and Portrait Photographers International. Alan's
artistic portraiture has won many local, state, national, and
international awards.



Alan's work is on permanent display in the Professional Photographers
of America traveling loan collection, and has been featured at EPCOT
Center's Kodak Pavilion in Orlando, Florida. Kodak Corporation
presented Alan their coveted crystal Gallery Award for photographic
excellence.



Call or email Alan to have a portrait designed specifically for you.
Alan and Melanie will travel anywhere in the world to create that one
incredible and personal portrait specifically for you.

[via  http://www.feldmansphotography.com/contact-whoare.htm ]

Hmmmm.......

Much internet chatter on worthless sites like punknews have led us to make an official statement on why the FELDMANS are named the FELDMANS. It is simply because of our undying admiration for the greatest movie actor of our times, Corey Feldman. We know true thesbians we we see them , not fly-by-night C listers like Pitt and Jolie. Dear friends, Corey is king of cinema in the way we are the KINGS of all things ROCK.

Who else could but an actor of Corey Feldman's stature, can have an entry in the dictionary describing the life on heighest plateau of movie stardom and carry sexual connotations  AT THE SAME TIME????

Corey Feldman....

(noun) A person who does blow off of a stripper's ass while
commenting on their failed career.

(verb) The action of convincing those in a state of monetary or mental desperation
to have anal
sex with you despite having no remblance to a soul. ....

1. Q: Are you still friends with John?

A: No, he's a total Corey Feldman



2: Q: I feel bad that Anna's been so depressed lately. Did you talk to her last
night?

A: Yeah, and I totally Corey Feldman'd her. High five!

[Urban Dictionary entry via http://www.urbandictionary.com/define.php?term=Corey%20Feldman]


So here starts a contest...write the best FELDMANS band dictionary entry in the comments below - remember the "gift" that is our rock n roll and our hyponticly large genitelia - and if your entry is picked by Chris Heee (at the height of his quotidian drunkeness), JP Slouch will write a song about you, immortalizing you in such a way, that TC Bonelocs and rev. Leech will refuse to ever play the ditty.

Deal? OK. Get to work!

We are constantly bombarded with requests to play live and have to turn a lot of them down simply because our demands are not met. In order to correct this, we have decieded to make our rider publicly available to all those who wish to book us.

the FELDMANS - demands...and rider for shows

1. To ensure the utmost comfort and presentation, a red carpet must be rolled to the stage and a thousand feldmans look-a-likes must thow roses onto the stage.

2. Tommy would like his fishing licenses renewed.

3. A full-scale model of the Craken (from Clash of the Titans) must be on the stage. If if doesn't fit...MAKE IT.

4. You must hire Michael Richards to fluf the crowd before our performance.

5. We are serious.

6. All band members request signed copies of OJ Simpson's "If I Did It."

7. JP demans a slice of Italiano Pizza from Rainbow PIzza be brought to him after each song by a  midget stripper dressed as a minotaur. or a cenataur...your choice.

8. 5 bottles of Jack Daniels Black Label

9. 10 cases of Coors Lite Chilled with Frost Brewed liner.

11. 1 sixer of Caguma for Leech.

12. The performance must be filmed on 8mm film and copies delivered to each of our doorsteps by you or one of your cronies.

13. When entering or exiting the stage, there must be someone walking in front of us, spraying Tag body spray.

14. We're serious.

15. When we pee....WE PEE OUTSIDE...with no harassment by local authorities.

16. Bagels....lost of bagels.

17. Twelve hairless cats less than 14 years old.

18. A gallon of "Goo Gone".

19. The star of the movie "Clay" baking a peach cobbler as we present you with the greatest musical experience of your life.

20. You must rise above and beyond the call of duty.

21. Chris Heee wants Freedom to Ring.

22. Refer to demand # 14

23. There will strictly NO COLLAR POPPING during our performance.

24. A silverback gorrilla reading an unabridged version of War and Peace.

25. Vote for Leech.

26. A marinette act performed with the bones of the Elephant Man.

27. WEED.

28. Every episode of Land of the Lost ( BETA format acceptable)

29. Disregardations leads to retardations, please follow through.

30. The wisdom teeth of the Bactarian Camel.

I, __________________ , have read all the FELDMANS demands and will agree to fufill them all to the best of my ability, sacrificing all that I can, so they may grace me with their divine rock n roll. If I or anyone in my party were to die while attempting to fufill the aforementioned demands, I authorize my bank to transfer all my and my parties remaining funds to the FELDMANS investing account in Barbados.

____________________________ x date _____________________

we wrote a new song last night. kinda sounds like samhain or something. the wildman of borneo threw some words on it. lots of beer was drank. lots of edamame was consumed. lots of blue suede shoes were worn. lots of pants were ripped.

thats all for now.

It was another glorious night in Redwood City. The FELDMANS had our first practice in over a month!!!! And this kiddies is how it went.... JP showed up without knowing where his equipmet was so we all waited around for about an hour and drank and talked about Michael Richards and Borat, while El Yapes drived all over Redwood City trying to find his cords and whatnot.

After some really tasteless comments about global human rights and Jack in the Box, JP showed up with his equipment and plugged in. As we triumphantly started our first song, something was making a loud : "WEEEEEEEEEEEEEEAAAAHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!" sound. We instinctively knew something was wrong !! It turned out that El Ya-Pee's amp was blown out.

So we decieded to practice without the second guitar. All was going well untill TC broke all his strings while going into one of his blindingly shredding solos.  He let out a sigh, put down his guitar, grabbed his 40 of budweiser and walked out the door. We had just finished our third and final song of the night.

After some more drinking, we figured what we really need to rock hard at our shows, isn't practice , our knowing how to play our own songs (shit, who needs THAT ??). What we need is  a good rider to make us feel comfortable in those tense live situations. A rider that if fully provided for, would make us easily blow away any and all rock groups with our air of technical instrumental prowess and deli tray superiority. This rider will be available on this myspace site soon.

So remember all you has-beens, wannabes and haters,  that  the  FELDMANS are a serious  force to be reckoned with.  Beee --atch !!!



Its a long way to the top, if you want to Rock n Roll.

Update on the FELDMANS:

Well, its been a little while since we have made some noise but we want to let you know that we are back on track. His Royal Heee-ness got hitched, Tommy got a job (well for a couple days at least), JP did JP stuff and Leech has fully healed from his lombotomy.

We got a couple shows cooking in August, one at the Fat Cat in Modesto (the Warfield of the Central Valley), a non-KZSU radio gig (gasp!), and a record store appearence.

As soon as addresses, times and dates are finalized we will post them up. In terms of releases, VALID EFFORT, our bros from Washington are putting out a comp with AGAINST ALL AUTHORITY, MDC and of course, THE FELDMANS!! It should be out on Crash Assailent Records in September. We will keep you posted on that one!

 Also we are recording again, got a split 7" on the way with one of SF's most up-and-coming bands and full length release of our own.

May Redwood City Live Again !! VIVA CHUCK'S DONUTS !!! VIVA STULSAFT PARK !! VIVA !!!

 

 

 

 

Thats right. We gone corporate ! New guitarist and recording empazario, TC Bonelocs has confirmed a deal with Parliment cigarrettes for a lifetime supply. There is no word whether Parliment will foot the bill for his or any of the other FELDMANS' future first or second-hand cancer treatment.

In related news, Chris Heee will be launching his own line of clothing in 2006. Named, appropiately enough, "Heeee-wear" it will feature full page color ads in MaxiumRockNRoll with Chris modeling his signature Heeeee-man undergarments.

JP Slouch is rumored to be starring alongside Mandy Moore in the short film "Darth Maul Gets Married". A heartwarming tale about a debauched lad from the suburbs marrying a Hollywood princess and the resistence and disbelief they receive from their peers.

Finally, Rev.Leech will be running for mayor of Redwood City. His platform calls for the elmination of all shoe stores, the creation of new public parks wherever unoccupied business buildings stand and free ventriliquism class for everyone !

Note: 2 of these stories are true.

Curtis Dickinson died two years ago on this day. He was both one of the coolest people and one of the biggest assholes I ever met. That combination made him completely unforgettable. Today, I walked to Stufsaft Park in Redwood City where a park bench is erected in his name. There is a  plaque there that has his name and dates and lyrics from a song he wrote about that little park.

Years ago, there was a big crew of friends who used to go there and drink 40s, smoke weed, talk about plans for taking over the world, play music , sing stoopd lyrics and hook up with each other. Total drunken, hazed out teenage and early twenties shennanagins. Those were some good times. He was there for alot of it and whenever he was there, you could bet yer ass he was going to piss someone off hella bad.

He also had a website called Rantcore, where he reviewed his favorite bands, had anti-scene rants and some cool features. One I remember, was where this guy actually ended up suing Curtis for slander. He just ripped him to shreds over the internet and even posted the guy's social security number, home address and home phone for people to fuck with him. Good Times. He also did the same damage to bands. If he liked your band, he would still present a side of your band that would be half-way between an insult and praise. If he really liked your band, he would tear into every song you ever wrote with the precision of a killer laser beam. In other words, he HATED the Feldmans. He knew the Sex Pistols contribution to media coverage of rock bands.  Bad press was better than no press. And he gave alot of bad press.

When I stood out there in the dark, muddy and cold park , cleaning the mud off his plaque, I became aware of what he really meant to me, the kids I knew and still know. Curtis motherfucking Dickinson was Redwood City. Pure and simple. And his departure is mark in time. It signaled the irreversible change in this town for our crew. The time before he was around was BC, the time afterwards was AC (after Curtis). People went head on into their self-created hells taking some other people with them, relationships of all kinds deteriorated and the old feeling was lost. For all his shit talking and annoyance, he made it seem like Redwood City was the place to be still.

The world did not end though. Life moves on. New friendships formed, old friendships grew, the time took on a different feel. The real tragedy is that Curtis will never see it. I miss you. ---leech---

Hey, thanks to everyone who showed up. FUCK THE CHERRY BAR !!

 

that's all we gotta say....