Today i'm sitting at work and my mind keeps going back to my journal.  Now don't get me wrong....there are a few people out there that know the complete ins and outs that make me the person that i am, but nobody knows me like her.  Sometimes she is so terrifying to me that i'm scared to look at here because of the words that she may say.  She's my memory when i have forgotten all and she is my conscience with every drop of ink i place on her pages.  Just by looking at her i can tell that there is a lesson that i'm suppose to learn from here but the truth appears like a monster lurking under the sheets of my bed.

She's always available to me.  Passes no judgement over me. 

I sit here before you, today, a bird without wings
I have spent so much time locked in a cage of my mistrust and fear
that now that the cage has been opened
I don't want to venture out
Something has changed within me
The trees don't appear to be the same color they were before my new eyesight was unveiled
The grass is greener, sky bluer, birds are singing louder
but my heart is still aching

I see the memory of love in my mind but when i reach to grab it...it drifts away
I see the longing that i have for him but can never purge my soul of that feeling

You see...
For me it is better to ache than to show weakness
No tears, no confessions of love, no admiting the truth
Rejection is just around the corner looking and i don't want it to find me

Thoughts of love consume my every thought and cloud my head.
I want to be love, be touched, be carressed......be taken care of

Like a man i have carried the weight of my world on my shoulders but have not found one suitable to take that burden from me
Or maybe i have but was too scared to release my duty on to him

I want him to come to me, kiss me, hold me, love me...
but I want him to stay away for i don't not want to feel him any longer

Such a contradiction within a puzzle piece
Wanting to be loved
Wanting to be alone
Wanting to belong to someone
wanting to be my own person

As musiq said...teach me how to love...
For i love myself completely and would never wish that i was anyone else
But the internal me is different and precious and i can't just trust her to anyone

Who knows...maybe tomorrow i'll meet that man that has all the right tools and can break through to her and love her and nuture her but......

I sit here before you, today, a bird without wings
I have spent so much time locked in a cage of my mistrust and fear
that now that the cage has been opened
I don't want to venture outT