suddenly a future i thought was so secure now seems impossible. the stress and reality has just hit me like a ton of bricks. i no longer think i will be able to move out where i planned, nor do i believe in my financial, or my parent’s financial ability to keep me in college, or even start.

this to me is terrifying. i do not have the ability like so many that i know to make it through life without a college degree of some sort. i’ve never felt so helpless. usually there is some way for me to make it work my way, but now i am stuck. there is no way for me to make this work on my own, there are too many burdens to cover and i can only patch a few. no matter what job i get, how many hours i work or how many things i give up, i will not have enough left over to pay my way through community college and rent.

why does there have to be a recession? why can’t we be smart like norway and have tuition at next to nothing?

On the note of other places, my only semi-thought-about second plan is follow my friends chris and tyler to texas. i don’t know why, but to my childish, emotional mind it sounds so appealing. i’ve been to texas before, and from what i’d seen i didn’t really see much to write home about, but when two guys guarantee you a job and a release from this cold, bitter place you don’t say no right away. it will definitely be warmer and dryer, but i will be dependent almost completely on chris; if he doesn’t make money and he doesn’t get me a job, i would have nothing.

maybe i should just say fuck it to both and come up with something completely different. hopefully not living with my parents, in chaska, left behind with no one but little high schoolers and old people...

well, i think it's finally hit me, i'm single. it's been a week now, longest time i've been singles since...july? yeah, somewhere around there. feels really odd, not having someone. i've almost always had someone...i suppose it's my fault, at least this time. i left a relationship that had only one problem that i prolly could have tried to work out if i wasnt too scared, for a younger guy i hardly knew. i've told everyone that i didnt listen to before that i'm sorry, again, maybe this time i'll learn my lesson. but i doubt it, i haven't yet, why start now? every person that i've liked or dated everyone has hated...makes me wonder sometimes, ya know? why am i constantly attracted to people that say they love me, make future plans with me, but when i get a good one, i fuck it all up? why? ugg, i'm sick of complaining. someone have a party damnit...i need to drink

MMFCL

~Amber~

I thought he wanted me, maybe he doesnt. I thought he liked me, I guess he doesnt. I wanted him so bad, but now I dont. I wanted him to be mine, but now I dont. He made me feel special, now he doesnt. He made me happy, now he doesnt. Now he doesnt want me. Now he doesnt like me. Now I dont want him. Now he can be hers. No longer do I feel special. Now he makes me mad.

Right now I'm so confused. I just thought that everything would just fall together like it was ment to be. Now I'm sitting here, depressed and crying. Why can't I just be happy?

~Amber~