Okay, I’ve accepted the
fact that the percentage of Hollywood with the balls to take on a new idea is
slowly dwindling, and the era of the remake and prequel is slowly consuming our
souls. I see pretty much all of these abortions the same way you do, which is
the reason the movie execs won’t stop making them.
Admittedly some of them
ain’t even that bad. Think about a classic like John Carpenter’s The
Thing, which most of us count as completely legitimate cinema by its
own right. Looking at more recent offerings—which is really what most people
are complaining about when this subject comes up—I moderately enjoyed the new
Friday the 13th, Halloween,
and The Longest Yard, loved the remakes of stuff like
Star Trek, Last House on the Left,
Death Race, and The Hills Have Eyes, and,
while I’m not thrilled about upcoming reimaginings of Alien,
Scream, Tron, and Nightmare on
Elm Street, I’m sure eight bucks will somehow finds its way out of my
wallet and into the hands of the filmmakers who sleepwalk their way through
these.
But there has been an
announcement.
Something unforgivable.
Something…unholy.
It seems the Powers That
Be (that joke will be much funnier in a minute), and by that I mean the whoremongers
in La-La Land, are shopping around the idea of a new movie based on
Buffy the Vampire Slayer.
When I first saw the
headline, I rejoiced. Even though the Season 8 comic has
been one kick-ass ride, what I wouldn’t give for a big-screen reunion of the
Gellar and all the other actors and actresses that made this TV show the jewel
it was.
And then I read the
article.
It seems they’re not
interested in bringing back the original cast. Or even having the involvement
of series creator Joss Whedon. Again though, I didn’t panic. I figured, if they
want to recast everyone with young, hip WB-types, so be it. While it wouldn’t
be the dream, it would suffice. The story is what’s important.
But no, they don’t even
want that. It seems these retconning bastards want a ‘reimagining’ of
Buffy. They want to start fresh, without any of the beloved
characters like Willow, Xander, and Giles.
To that, I give the
following eloquently-worded response: what…the…FUCK?
What’s the purpose behind
a move like this? To make it more relevant to younger audiences? I know
kindergarteners who are still watching the show on DVD. We all know the real
reason, and that’s to wring every last dollar out of a franchise and the
American people, just because they have the power.
I’m sorry, but people are
just still too close to the original source material for a blasphemy like this
to succeed. My blood boils every time I even think about it. I’m taking a stand
right now and declaring that if this gets made, I won’t see it. I don’t care
how much it’s hyped, how cool the trailers look, I refuse. A line has been
crossed, and to prevent further steps in the wrong direction of cinema, I
propose the following Remake Laws go before Congress immediately:
1: All remakes, reimaginings,
or prequels must be released to the public at least twenty years after the
franchise/film/TV show they will be exploiting. (Except in the case of
Star Wars; then it shall be fifty)
2: If the original creator
or director is alive, they must be consulted on content, plot, and character.
(Except in the case of Star Wars; George Lucas is banished)
3: A fourth of the film’s
proceeds must go for therapy and rehabilitation for those whose childhood the
film rapes. (Except in the case of Star Wars; then it shall be
ALL proceeds)
What other laws would you
like to see enacted?