Last week, there was a hearing on Capitol Hill on Military Suicide Prevention, aimed at dealing with the alarming escalation in the number of suicides by members of our armed forces. The hearing was moderated by Senator Ben Nelson (D) of Nebraska, who is the Chairman of the Armed Services Personnel Subcommittee. Various high ranking members of each branch of our military were represented to address how they are dealing with this growing epidemic. It was able to catch some of the re-broadcast over the weekend on C-Span 2. And like many of you receiving this e-mail, any time I see anything on preventing suicide, I am very much interested, having lost my mother this to suicide,  29 years ago this coming August.

Studies have shown that every day, 5 U.S. soldiers attempt suicide, that’s every day; before the Iraq war began that number was one suicide attempt a day. In 2007, Army figures show that there were about 2,100 suicide attempts. In 2008, there were 133 completed suicides, and studies show that about 70 % of these suicides were tied to some kind of relationship problem, which were only exacerbated by stress and fatigue.. In January of this year , there were 24 suspected suicides in the Army alone. (Statistics from: CNN.com, and Suicide Prevention Action Network USA, spanusa.org).

While watching parts of the re-broadcast of the hearing last weekend, I was struck by how many times the word “stigma” came up. After all, mental illness is not something that we like to talk about in our society, and this stigma is especially huge in the macho world of manhood where it is erroneously assumed that "a real man does not get depressed or have mental problems”. Most men, unlike women, are more likely to call their "boys" up to talk about sports, financial triumphs or women than the pressing emotional or spiritual issues that are plaguing their souls, men don't ever want to be perceived as "punks"; this lie about the definition of "real manhood" makes it harder for many men especially to talk about openly about their mental struggles, especially when you consider that our soldiers are amongst the most resilient of our population. But we all, male and female, do need to take care of our mental health.

Experiencing the trauma of war, where the rules are totally different from civilian life, is bound to take its toll on any of us. And regardless of what your political ideology is or where you stand on the war, it is not enough for us to give pious platitudes about how much we support the troops, if these same wonderful troops - who afford us the freedom to enjoy life in this great country - come home only to be bogged down by post-traumatic-stress and the inability to effectively assimilate back into society. Our soldies have done a magnificent job and thank God that the violence in Iraq has really subsided, but they still have to come home and deal with the everyday hasstles of life. How do you go from being trained to being a killing machine, to suddenly having to turn that switch off and deal with the everyday pressures of life without violence, while simultaneously coping with all the daily challenges of life to include relationships and bills in a very tough job market? It takes a great support network, excellent health care and the love of family and friends to get this done. For those of us who have never been to war, we may not know exactly what it is like, but what we can do is offer the kind of emotional support and non-judgmental friendship that can encourage our friends and family who are in the armed services to get the help that they need.

I give kudos to cable stations like MTV for bringing awareness of this problem. Not long ago they had a program where rap star Kanye West and VeeJay, Sway did an  awareness show on mental health for our troops by surprising Iraq war veterans who were struggling with access to mental health care and other needs. One of the veterans whom they surprised talked about how he felt like he was a killing machine and he could not turn the machine off. He had been uncuseesful in his attempts to hold down a job since his return because of this problem of aggression. And recently, on the show “Real World Brooklyn”, you get a glimpse into the mental toll that the war in Iraq has taken on one of its cast members, Ryan, an Iraq veteran, who showed his roommates a short film that he made detailing how he wanted to drown his sorrow in alcohol and self-inflicted death.

So if you know any veterans or active military personnel, continue to express how much you care for them, love them and will be there for them, no just in word, but in deed. One of the high ranking officers showed how most of the times what the soldiers need upon their return is someone whom they can confide in or support them without fear of being judged. For those of us who have not been to the frontlines of war, it is easy to say stuff like “move on and get over it”, but if you have never been out there in the battle lines, you never know what it is like.

The suicide of a loved one leaves you, in an ironic way, with a glimpse of the kind of pain that the patient was going through, something that survivors tend to never forget. Suicide carries such a stigma with it, that it is often hard for family members to even admit that their loved one killed themselves. This is why I can honestly say that if my mother had not died the way she did, I may not have the kind of passion and compassion that I do for hurting people tdoay. So let us continue to reach out to our serving and retired members of the Armed Forces, not just with bumper stickers and political logos, but with our hearts. For those of you reading this who have served or are serving in our Armed Forces, thank you, and we love you very much. Our very lives and freedom have been secured because of your service....

 Here are some suicide prevention hotlines:

1-800-SUICIDE

(1-800-784-2433)

or

1-800-273-TALK

(1-800-273-8255)

or

Text Telephone:

1-800-799-4TTY

(1-800-799-4889)

Websites:

www.suicide.org

www.nopcas.org

 Stephen A. (Columbus, GA)

“Man is born broken. He lives by mending. The grace of God is glue.” ~Eugene O’Neill

 What makes a real man a “real man”? As men, where do we get our definitions of manhood from? Whether it be the invincible super heroes from our favorite DC comics, or pop culture icons from movies and TV (Jason Bourne, Jack Bauer of ‘24”, Terminator, Maximus, James Bond, Scarface, the Godfather,  Rambo, Rocky, Shaft etc) the definition of manhood generally has to do with resilience, being impervious to pain, being able to conquer at all costs, being victorious, and not being emotionally vulnerable. The myths of real manhood also state that “a real man” is not only an excellent financial provider but one who is able to conquer any storm at the drop of a dime; even in the worst of economic times, like the times we are in now, a real man finds a way to “make it” even if the rules are not clear. The problem with these definitions, however, is that you would rarely ever find a man who has all these qualities who has not also found a way to a stifle his own emotional wellbeing.

The commonly held perceptions about manhood are not only misleading, but don’t take into account the realities that men face and the masks that we often wear to hide our pain. More significantly, because "real men" - as presented by these skewed definitions - inherently “have it altogether”, we men are not only discouraged from dealing with our own emotional and mental health issues, but we are perceived as weak (especially by other men) if we show any sign of emotional vulnerability. So where exactly are we supposed to go with that pain that goes unaddressed because it has been covertly lingering beneath the surface? I’ll tell you where we go with it: we become sexually promiscuous, we become insensitive workaholics, we drink, we have affairs, watch porn, we engage in the drug culture, we get involved in fist fights  or other overt manifestations of rage, or we may even become passive aggressive, while others simply throw in the towel altogether, giving in to covert hopelessness. It is no wonder that the life span for men is generally shorter than that for women.

When R & B star Chris Brown said in past interviews that as a child he witnessed his stepdad beat his mother, little did we know that one day he would be in the news for allegedly doing the same thing to his own girlfriend, pop star Rihanna. But such violence does not come from a vacuum. Such expressions are often reactions to unresolved trauma. I listened attentively to rapper Clifford "T.I." Harris as he gave his testimony in his new reality show on MTV where he counsels other troubled youth as part of his court-mandated community service for the gun charges brought against him. T.I. talked about how he witnessed so much violence growing up that he considered it normal to join the gang & violence culture. He knew of no other way to deal with his pain than to perpetuate the same thing he was trying to avoid.

The point that I am getting at with all of this is that as men, many of us don't have safe havens where we can vent and get healing for our emotional wounds. If a man is too emotional, he is considered “weak”, a “sissy”, or “a punk”. And yet, in many relationships, women will often tell you that no matter how great of a provider he is, something is lacking if he is not emotionally present. But we are not trained as men to be these kinds of beings. We are trained to be top-performers, no matter the price, but what happens when our emotional pain hinders our ability to perform? Does that mean that we cease being men, especially if extenuating circumstances prevent us from making the kind of money that we are supposed to be making? Or what happens when we have become so crippled by our internal pain that we head down a path of self-destruction?

It is often said that our prisons have become the new mental health hospitals, with all the downsizing in public mental health care funds over the years. There is some truth to this. Go into any prison in America, and you will find many men who did not find healthy ways to express their internal pain. Men who just could not “talk about” what was going on in their lives that led them down a path of violence or other crime.

I am currently reading a powerful book, “I don’t want to talk about it” by Terrence Real, a licensed psychotherapist. In the book, Mr. Real compassionately chronicles the tales of many men who are suffering; men whom he has helped treat over the years. Many of these men, the author recalls, are societal models of success on the outside, but the reality of their everyday family lives betrays the image that they have created. What has struck me most as I've been reading the book is how we men are programmed from such a young age to be this impervious-entity that simply does not know how to express ones inner trauma to get the healing needed. If we are to fully experience the grace of God that we all need in order to heal, we must have safe places where that is possible. If a lady calls up a girlfriend of hers to say something like, “girl, I need to talk, I am hurting right now!” It is considered socially acceptable, but how many of us men have such a safe haven to go to amongst ourselves?

For me, at this point in my life, I realize that real manhood is not necessarily a function of your bank account, as crucial as money is to our survival. Real manhood must be a function of one’s ability to be a conduit of love (Agape love), that kind of unconditional love that produces servant leaders who are not afraid to not only be authentic and vulnerable, but honest about the struggles that they have been through and sometimes are still going through.

Peace & love to you!

Stephen

www.grace1971.blogspot.com

funny