Its nearly christmas and yet I dont feel that festive. Its been a really crap week so far and I know that the darknees wont really lift until I get on the plane next sunday.

All this year my finaces have been really drained due to the fact that Im looking after my sisters flat and its extremly expensive. This time last year I maxed out my credit cards and it took most of the year to clear them. This christmas Im trying soo hard not to get into the same situation. During the last 2 motnhs Ive managed to save a bit of money (and some weight) by not eating much and trying just to survive on the free food at work.

I only started buying christmas presents yesterday and I really dont feel in the mood but I have to.  I have to buy presents for approx 12 people, mostly family members. Its just so hard buying presents I know I cant afford but have to buy cos its expected of me.

My suitcase will be full of presents and I have to cram stuff for me eg clothes , shoes etc into a hand luggage bag.

Another reason why I am in such a dark place is what happened at the weekend, at my work Christmas party.

It started off really well. It was a fancy dress party and the theme was 1920's/ gangster/bugsy malone, yes I know what you are thinking...... SMOOTH CRIMINAL!!!!

I had been really looking forward to it as the company I work for really puts alot into their parties. I decide just to go for it and came up with a costume loosly based on the CHICAGO musical/movie.

About halfway though the night a group of us were in the bar area taking photos. When we had finished I noticed my bag was gone! I only had a small costume bag which was only big enough for my phone, some money and the cloakroom ticket. It had been pulled from around my shoulder at some stage while we were talking/ taking photos.

I was sooo shocked and upset that something like that could happen at at company party!! Luckly my wallet, flat keys etc were in my big bag in the cloakroom or I would have been in really big trouble.

It really ruined my night and even though my friends tried so hard to console me I was in no mood to party any longer. MY PHONE....... SOB...........

All my mj friends, and contacts numbers...... mj texts saved over the years........ photos..... videos....... EVERYTHING just gone......

Something else happened aswell..... ( and if you are reading this, I just want to know why did you mess with my heart when you didnt mean it??)

... a guy who has been fliting with me for ages and Ive got to know really well, messed with head, and played mind games, leading me on and then broke my heart.......

Everything happening on the same night has really turned what normally is such a happy time into a really dark, lonely time.

I feel soo cut off and isolated without my phone, soo many memories and stories shared.

I just want to go home, and sleep for days on end, and feel safe and warm and have no worries.

SCREAM

THEY DONT CARE ABOUT US

THIS TIME AROUND

YOU ARE NOT ALONE

2 BAD

SMILE

Keep The Faith
Don't Let Nobody Turn You 'Round Brother
You Got To KnowWhen It's Good To Go
To Get Your Dreams Up Off The Ground
Keep The Faith Baby, Yea
Because It's Just A Matter Of Time
Before Your Confidence Will Win Out
Better Stand Up And Act Like You Wanna Do Right
Don't Play The Fool For The Rest Of Your Life
Work On It Brother And You'll Make It
Someday Go For What You Want
And Don't Forget The Faith
Look At Yourself
And What You Doin' Right Now
Stand Back A Minute
Just To Check Yourself Out
Straighten Out Your Life
And How You're Livin' Each Day
Get Yourself Together
'Cause You Got To Keep The Faith

OH Michael, I love you, you just have a way with words, no matter what is happening in my life, I can find it in your music.

Today was one of those days when fate seemed to step in. One year ago today I started working for this company. In the last year there have been alot of changes in the company, out of about 30 staff, only 5 have been in the company longer than me.

This time last year I was kinda at at a cross roads. I had just arrived in London and hadnt got a clue what I wanted to do. I ended up working for this company, which at the beguinning, like all new jobs seemed perfect.

As the months and weeks went by I found out a few things and it didnt seem so perfect, But Im still here.

Today I had another talk with my manager. This time was a bit more serious than the last talk. She has noticed over the last few weeks that I have totally changed since I told her I didnt want to continue with promotions.

When I really want something I will put my heart and soul into it and give it over 100% to make the result as near perfect as I can. In the last few weeks I just cant be bothered at work. Im still doing my job but just not putting that extra effort in.

My manager has noticed and now whats to know why!! I have to make a decision in the next few days about whether to start the promotion work again. If really am serious about stopping the promotion then my extra duties will be given to someone else. It also means that I have to wait 1 year before I can reapply for the promotion!!

UGHHH sometimes this company drives me mad with its rules and regulations. I have never worked for a company which is like this. It is more like school/college  sometimes than a catering company!!

I think that I am going to just go for level 1 promotion and then see what happens after that. Normally after level 1 promotion, most people aim to get level 2 promotion after 6 months. With all the Michael stuff that may happen next year I dont think I am at the right stage in my life to push for level 2 promotion.

Talking about Michael, a new message from him has appeared on the boards. As usual when fans post messages from Michael the majority start to question the relialability of the poster. This time I trust this message 100% as it has been posted by someone I know, ( and if you are reading this dont worry, you know you can trust me).

After reading the message Im excited about next year and what he may be planning. As long as he is happy, healthy and living his life the way he wants I am happy. Alot of fans are expecting the usual big budget "short films" ( see Michael I didnt say video, ha ha) and stadium tours.

In my heart I know that thats just a dream and what he is planning with his new music is something soo totally different. Alot of fans today forget that in the early 80's he was extremly innovated and creative with the new techknology of the time and what he created with his music changed the music industry into what it is today.

In the last few years, the music industry has changed again and now more than ever the internet plays a huge part in how people get new music. As he always has been in touch with whats popular and new I believe whatever he is planning with be something sooo completly new.

I cant really explain it or understand it but something huge is just around the corner. Maybe its ment to be that my career comes second to Michael for awhile. Maybe this is my time to really do what I have always longed to do, and try to get really close to him, kinda like I was in 2001 when he was recognising me.

ok, this is not really an update so sorry if it seems a bit random....

why am I soo confident in parts of my life and yet in other parts so unconfident and shy?? Sometimes I feel that like I am still a child, lacking self esteem and being afraid of being hurt, so I hide my true feelings and stay quiet.

When I was growing up I was the quiet shy person in the back of the class who hardly spoke to anyone. I was always alone and had hardly any friends. I have always felt that I am different to the other people I grew up with.  My interests and hobbies were not what everyone at school were intested in.

I went to Irish dance classes when Irish dancing wasnt a trendy thing to do. When everyone at school was talking about the latest fashion or film I stayed quiet cos I didnt know what they were talking about.

Even during my teens in secondary scool and in college I was the same. I was never invited to parties, always on the outside, longing to be included.

In some ways this made me stonger and when I left college I was totally focused on my career. Being in catering really helped me to overcome being shy. For the first time I felt confident and was surrounded by other people who actully had the silimar interests as me, cooking and food.

Working in hotels and kitchens is such a rollercoster. Its an extremly tough stressful and fast paced world. At the same time there is great team working and and it can be great fun.

In the first few years I still stayed in the background and was still shy. Another part of catering is the social life. For the first time in my life I was included in nights out and parties. It was just automatic after work for everyone to go to the hotel bar or nightclub.

Then I found the Michael world and at last I was finally able to be the person that I had supressed and hidden deep inside me.

In the last 6 years I have been the most happiest I have ever been. I finally have the confidence and self esteem I longed for when I was growing up.

But there is still one part of me that is holding me back.......

Nothing good ever comes easy
All good things come in due time
Yes it does
You gotta have something to believe in
I'm telling you to open mind

Gotta put your heart on the line
If you wanna make it right
You've got to reach out and try
Gotta put your heart on the line
If you wanna make it right
Gotta put it all on the line

You see yourself in the mirror
And you don't like what you see
And things aren't getting much clearer
Don't you think it's time you go for a change

Don't waste your time on the past, no, no
It's time you look to the future
It's all right there if you ask
This time if you try much harder
You'll be the best that could can be

Gotta put your heart on the line
If you wanna make it right
You've got to reach out and try
Gotta put your heart on the line
If you wanna make it right

If you wanna do it now
You gotta learn to try
You can make it right somehow
Let love come free
And that's just so easy now
You gotta go for what you want
You gotta do what you got to do

Gotta put your heart on the line
If you wanna make it right
You've got to reach out and try
Gotta put your heart on the line
If you wanna make it right

Because of being so shy and lacking in confidence I have never been good at relationships. I used to be sooo shy I hardly ever even talked to guys let alone anything else!!! Guys never seemed interested in me so I got used to being on my own and become extremly indepentent.

When I see how happy my sister is with her boyfriend, I long to be like that. She has left everything, her life in London, her friends and family and moved to the other side of the world to be with him. One year later and she shows no sign of coming back to europe.

I have  never even come close to having what my sister has, yes I have fallen for guys but it never works out, and I always end up being hurt. Why do guys only see me as sister or friend???

Behind the mask you see today I am still not as confident as you think I am

oops I know I said I would update every week and its been 2 weeks, oh better late than never!!

It was soo much fun seeing everyone again, sometimes I feel like mj fans are the only people who understand me.  We have all been though the same things and I dont have to defend or explain anything, they just accept me the way I am.

Work has been really good fun recentlty. Alot of people have noticed that I am less stressed than I used to be and that I am enjoying my time at work more!! Some think its cos they had "a chat" with me about how stressed I was and that I should take it easy and just relax at work, little do they know its not, its just that I stopped pushing myself to do extra work for a promotion that I wasnt sure I wanted.

My manager STILL wants me to continue but I know that the more she pushes me , the more I will go against her! Its only when I feel ready again will I start the extra work, but I have to do it in my own time. She just cares about the buisnss and not how the people are.

Last friday we had a work party. The company I work for has a night out at the end of every month but I havnt been to one in ages. It was sooo much fun just to go out and dance, dance, dance. I think a few people saw me in a different way cos they hadnt seen me at a party before. Even though at work I am always dancing, I think some people see me as being the quiet one.

When I go dancing, something happens to me and the music takes over. I feel soo free when I dance, its like I come alive and nothing else matters but the dance. When I read MOONWALKER all those years ago, I felt like he was talking about me, when he talked abou how he felt when he dances.

oh and by the way, in case you are wondering, I dont drink alchol when I go dancing. I just dont feel the need to drink when I go out, I am crazy enough without alcohol!!!

I reaaly need to start my Christmas shopping. I was talking to my mum about ideas for presents for my family in Ireland and for my sister. Her present is the most urgent as the last posting day for New Zealand is 1 december, which is at the end of this week!!!

Everything else I can get in december, but I just need to make sure I dont buy heavy items as Ryanair baggage allowence is only 15kg!

Can you believe it, Christmas is only 4 weeks away. I am getting really homesick now, as I havnt been home since february. Christmas is my favouite time of the year. I just love all the madness, leading up to Christmas, the shopping, the food and the songs palyed over and over.

It always means too that I will be going home. Most of the time I dont miss Ireland, but I just have to be at home for Christmas. Its like being a child again, feeling the magic in the air and knowing that something special is on the way.

Its Monday, time for another update. Im getting good at this, I used to forget to update but its soo much easier now I have the internet at home.

PARTY TIME.... (well not really but kinda!!) This weekend was supposed to be the COME TOGETHER fan party in Clapham. It was being organised by fans for fans, my friends were performing and Ernest Valintino was the MJ tribute artist. I was really looking forward to it, not only supporting my friends but I havnt seen Ernest perform since Killer Thriller and that was sooo crazy I coulnt actully focus on his performace due to Michael being there!!

I had booked Sunday and Monday off work and had bought my tickets, then 2 weeks ago it was cancelled!

NOOOOOO, I really dont know what happened but I think that the organisers had a problem with the venue. As it was such short notice alot of people had already made travel arangements and got time off work so we decided to meet up any way.

On saturday I was supposed to finish at 2.30 but that didnt actually happen! It was a really crazy day, so much extra work to do that when I was supposed to finish I couldnt just leave the kitchen the way it was. I stayed until 3.45 to help get the place back to normal after a really busy day.

We had organised a meet up on the boards so as soon as I finished I contacted baby bubbles who was waiting at Eros in Picadilly for the rest of the fans. Even though lots of people said they would be there only 5 actually turned up!! When I eventually got to Picadilly they were in Pizza Hut.

Pizza Hut was soo much fun, its really turning into a fan place as it seems eveytime we meet up we eventually end up there! After a hard day at work I really need to have some fun and just laugh and joke around.

After Pizza Hut we decided to hit Selfidges as some peple STILL hadnt got Vogue. We tried to get a bus but being us we managed to stand at the one bus stop that the bus's seemed to not be turning up. After seeing 3 bus's go to another bus stop we had had enough. The next bus that turned up we just RAN!! OMG we have had waaaaaaay to much practise at this!! It was just like running after Michael, except he wasnt there! We fell into the bus, all of us thinking the same thing and laughing hysterically

OOPS the bus we got on only took us to Oxford circus so we still had to walk up Oxford Street. We eventually made it to Selfidges and heres where the fun begins....

No one esle knew their way around Selfidges so I took the lead and led the Michael train though the bag department and though the beauty and makeup stands to W H Smith in the stationary department. I  could hear all sorts of things being said about me but I knew exactly where I was going. I stopped at the side of the display and stood back to watch the madness!!

Dutchie and Golden Cherry reached the stand first and just dived on it, with the rest of us screaming in laughter at them and at the sight of Michael!! The guy behind the counter hadnt got a clue what was happening!! All 6 of us, with multiple coppies licking( Im not naming names but you know who you are! stroking screaming over a magazine.

After we had stood around just admiring how amazing he looks, we noticed one of the staff had put some more copies out!!

After every one had paid for the mags we counted up and realised we had spent about £70 between us all. Yes we are crazy but its sooo much fun. I cant go back there for a few weeks just in case the guy behind the counter recognises me and calls security, although I wasnt that bad, Im one of the quiet ones!!!

We eventually left selfidges before we were thrown out and wandered up to the internt cafe. I didnt bother to go online but everyone esle did. We checked out waht was happining on the boards and a few other things. Dutchie and Bexy started posting in the meet up thread, I could barely follow it as I was laughing soo much as they were editing and posting really fast.

We contacted some other fans who were in a pub in Leiscester Square but by now I was getting really tired. It was around 8pm and I had been up since 4.30 am and even with coffee I couldnt really face going to a pub.

Me and baby bubbles decided to come back to my flat and watch DVDs and everyone else went to the pub.

I havnt had a dvd night in ages as I usually work weekends and baby bubbles works during the week. She bought some films I hadnt seen and we went to the shop to get ice cream.

We watched The Devil Wears Prada first as she hadnt seen that and then Waking Ned, an Irish film I hadnt seen in years.

I eventually went to bed around 3 am, omg I had been up nearly 24 hours!! She put on some Michael dvds and I have no idea what time she eventually went to sleep!

The next morning I woke up really late, but there was no movement form the living room. I got dressed had something to eat and STILL no sign of baby bubbles. I looked in and she was comatose on the sofa!! I tried to wake her up as I knew there was things she was going to do but I dont think she woke up fully so I left her a note!!

I went into town and went to picadilly for the meet up part 2. Dutchie and golden cherry had done some sight seeing and eventually turned up around 2, Bexy arrived soon after and then another fan also turned up.

We went to Leiscester Square foe something to eat. Even though it was sunday, it took ages to be served so we spent longer there than planned. After that we went to Virgin and yet again caused madness.

It was all because of a 10 year old concert picture!!

............sigh............what a wonderful picture, sorry any guys reading this , this one is for the girls

ok , must concentrate

After buying the cards and more licking...... we ended up in the sports bar in Trocadero. Danny and a few others joined us for a while , but by now I was staring to fade so I left around 8pm. Dutchie, Golden Cherry and Bexy were heading to a karoke bar so I cant wait to hear what happened after I left.

WOW, this has been longer than I planned but thanks for all the laughter, smiles and gold pants, lets hope the next time we meet up Michael is here

ok its monday, time for another update. Before I go any further I just want to let you all know that on my way home I got a mocha instead of a hot chocolate..... COOOOFFFFFFFFEEEEEE oooopps bad move, now Im all hyper and probably wont sleep much tonight!

My belly button piercing is healing well, its still abit sore at night if I lie on it but other than that its not sore. I just have to be careful at work, lifting and carrying the heavy boxes and when Im in the kitchen I have to remember not to lean against the work benches. Sometimes when I see it I cant believe I actually did it.

Ive figured out what Im going to do about work. During last week when I had some time off I had time to really relax and figure out what I wanted to do. Afew things have happened and now my mind is clear and I know Im making the right choice.

Up until this year I have been really career focused and have sacraficed a few things in order to get ahead and actually make something of my life. I used to work crazy hours, split shifts and going up to 6 months without taking time off. This past year for the first time in my life I planned my holidays for the year and managed to take a week off ever 2 months. Its been so nice to know that when I feel like its getting too much that I wiil have some time of to destress and relax.

As a result I dont really want the hassel and stress of trying to find a new job right now, especially as it is getting close to christmas. This time last year I was so stressed and  when I went home for Chrismas I was really sick and spent most of my time at home in bed. I dont want that to happen this year, as its going to be hard enough with my sister not coming home this year. This will be the first year we have not all been together and I know my parents will find that very hard.

MIIIIIIIIIIIICCCCCCCCCCCCCHHHHHHHHAAAAAAAAAEEEEELLLLL

ah yes him, suddenly in the last few months he has finally got back to work, instead of visiting his friends and shopping. Yes it was so amazing seeing him so much this year but really Michael dear, its time you actually did some work!! Although as we all know Michael time and real time dont actually mean the same thing, so he is probally thinking whats the rush!!!

Ebony and Vogue are the start, he is just teasing us right now, doing what he does best, playing games with us like he does at hotel windows, getting us so hyper and crazy. Next year is when the real fun will happen and when it does OMG its going to be huge. He is soo ready for this, after all the crap thats happened, he wants to show the world EXACTLY why he is the biggest selling artist of all time, the one person who has inspired and helped shape the careers of a soo many people in the music industry.

When the crazyness starts I want to be able to do as much as I can, without having to worry about my career and responsibilites. If I stay in this current job  but not push for promotion than I wont feel so bad if I have to leave to travel to see Michael. In other years I have missed going to see him because of my job and for once I want to be able to say, stuff my job , Im going to see Michael!!

I know that may seem crazy but deep in my heart I know that what we have with him wont last and after this time he is going to disapear for awhile. I dont want to have any regrets and after something has happened say why didnt I go.

Somthing else happend last week when I was off. I got a phonecall from my parents about one of my sisters friends in Ireland. When we both lived at home my sister had a group of about 10 friends who were very close and did everything together. My parents always welcomed our friends and as a result our house was always full of people popping in and out . One of the guys in my sisters friends was found dead last week. He was the same age as me!!

This really made me realise that life is too short to be stressing about work and if I want something just do it cos you never know what could happen tomorrow.

Today I told my manager that I wanted to stop pushing for the promotion. She was shocked and I was supposed to meet with her after work to explain why but she had to go to head office. Tomorrow I will talk with her properly, Im not going to leave the company but I want to stop pushing so hard to progress in the company.

Maybe in a few months when we know more about Michaels plans and my head is in a better place I can go for promotion again, but right now I just want to enjoy work and not have the stress and conflict I was putting myself though.

I have made some really good friends in this job and strangely I kinda look forward to going to work

Next weekend is going to be fun. There was supposed to be an MJ fan party but it was cancelled yesterday. Most of my friends have already booked time off work/flights/hotels etc so we are all going to meet up anyway.

Watch out London Michael Jackson fans are about , are you scared yet!!

HOLY CRAP!!!!!!! I finally did it........ OMMMGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGG

I got my belly button pierced today

Yes, you read that right I GOT MY BELLY BUTTON PIERCED  ha ha ha, sorry Im still in a slightly giddy mood, its really cute, tiny but it sparkles.

ok, Id better explain myself. I think Iv'e always wanted to get it done, I can remember as a child watching films and seeing girls with jewels in their belly buttons and thinking it looked cool. At the time I didnt know about piercing but as I grew up I realised that wanted to get it done.

Being in Ireland I never really felt comfortable showing the crazy , outgoing side of my personality. Ive always been the quiet shy person who kept everything inside. Even now when I go home, I cover my tattoos and wear clothes that dont stand out. Since leaving Ireland I am much happier being me.

In 2002, when I first left Ireland was the start of me finding me, if you can understand that. Up until then I had never even dyed my hair!! In Germany, my friends did home made high lights on my  hair and I was soo amazed at how I looked, that I finally had the confidence to start doing the things that I thought other people did but not me.

When I moved to Scotland in 2003, I continued to gain self confidence. Unfortunatly this was also one of the most heartbreaking times of my life. Im talking about the time between November 2003  and June 2005.

I will never forget the night I found out about the allagations, something I hope I never have to go though again. That was the night I finally decided to get a tattoo.

Then when it was all over I got my second tattoo. They show the journey we all took during that time, from disbelief, to heart ache, to anger, solidarity and finally vindacation and relief it was all over.

At the end of 2005 I moved back to Ireland. I didnt move home with my parents but I was living in the same city. Its really strange to be back in Ireland. The country had changed alot since I had left and after living and working with people from many countries I wasnt really comfortable with the new Ireland.

Getting my belly button pierced was still something I wanted to do, I even checked out a few places but it didnt feel the right time.

Last year I moved to London and have really enjoed being here. It just feels like this is where I'm ment to be. Since I moved here I decided that I would get my belly button done before the end of the year. I wanted to be off work for a few days to give it time to heal and I knew I couldnt get it done at Christmas time.

I had already booked this week off work ages ago with the intention of visiting my parents but in August they told me they were going to Lanzarote this week.

That was it , that was the sign that I was looking for, as I believe everything happens for a reason. In september I posted on the messageboard asking advice about places in London.

A place in Fulham was recomended by a fan I know. I checked it out and was happy with the place and the price. Yesterday I went there after work but there was about 4 people waiting. I didnt want to be there all night as I had been up early.

This morning I woke up in such a happy mood, I just knew it was the right time to get it done.

Now I cant stop looking at it, I cant believe Ive done it, oopps just had a thought, my parents are going to freak!! Oh well they eventually got over my tattoos ha ha ha

Just realise this kinda long, sorry

AAAAAAAAAAGGGGGGGGGGGGGHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH

ok sorry just had to get that out of the way, its been a hard week and Iv'e still got 3 days until I get a day off!!

Work updates..... my manager is back from her holiday and has been catching up with all the staff. At the moment I am working towards my next promotion and the other day she had an informal chat with me about how I was progressing. Part of me feels like telling her what I really think of the company and that I dont want to continue with the promotion as I wont be working with the company for much longer. She thinks that everything is happy and rosy and that Im putting all my energy into developing my career in the company when actuallly thats not the case.

Next week I have 5 days off and I really need to get moving on finding another job. At the Im in kinda a half way point, I know I want to leave the company but I just need to motivate myself and start looking for another job cos Chrismas is around the corner and January is the worst time of the year to look for a new job.

Ive also been having alot of conflict with one of the guys I work with. For the last 6 months we have never really got on. He is always very verbally aggressive towards me and every day tries to find a fault in my work. We share one duty/repsonsibilty at work, he covers my days off and I cover his so we only ever work 3 days a week together but those 3 days are pure hell. Its got so bad that that this week it just exploded and I really felt uncomfortable working with him.

 I have made an official complaint against him and now the area manager is involved. I know he wont get fired but at the same time as I have made it official it will go in his file. As this is not the first official compliant against him , another member of staff has had the same issues with him, he will have another disaplinary interview with the manager. He dosn't reliase this yet but some of his duties and responsibilites have been reduced and given to me and I have had a payrise to aknowlege the extra work I am doing. Im not expecting to be his best friend at work but I would love to have a day where I dont have to watch out for potential arguments. On another note one of his friends at work has come up with a theory as to why we are always fighting. The friends says that the only reason we fight like this is because I like this guy and he likes me!!!!  As if , I dont think so, I really cant stand the guy, he give me the creeps, stupid friend is only young and dosnt really know me. If he did he would know the real me is actually very shy and quiet and totally differnt to the person I am at work.

Since getting my new laptop Ive been online everyday after work. It s great to be able to do this but it also means that Im on the messageboards soo much. I think I need to stop posting on the messageboards, well one in particular for a few days. Me being me, I tend to be very honest and some people are taking offence at what I post. Sometimes I write without thinking and some MJ fans are a bit sensitive and dont like what I am saying. Maybe its because Im older than alot of the fans on the messageboard and I am also very openminded and have a very sarcastic sense of humour. For the next week Im just going back to reading and not replying to every thread .

Talking about Chrismas, I need to get a flight fast!!!! As half the population of London is Irish and  Irish people HAVE to be at home for Chrismas it is usually pandamonium at the airports.  I did have a quick look a few weeks ago but now it is halloween and I'd better a move on. I have never missed a Christmas at homne, no matter where I have been working and this year it is even more important to be at home as my little sis wont be there. She is in New Zealand with her boyfriend and they wont be in Europe for Chritmas. Its going to be really hard for my parents as for the first time in 30 years our family wont be together.

up date time ha ha ha , just looked at my last entry and it was July!!! oopps anyway..............

Wow its October can you believe it. This year has gone sooo fast ( although I say that every year). So much has happened, Michael's been in London 3 times and I ve survived living in London. I also went a fan party but more on that later.

Job wise Im starting to get itchy feet again. Those who know me yes I know, here we go again, I never stay in a job more than a year despite what I say each time I get a new job. This job has been both good and bad for me and now I realise its time to move on.

Good points

1. It was the first interview I did when I moved to London and added to my list 100% success rate of interviews

2. When I moved to London I had less money than originly planned due to a certain Mr Jackson getting an award!! I really need to get a job quick and this seemed perfect at the time.

3. It is a very well recognised company and will look good on my cv

4. After 4 years of very physical, stressful and being in a responsible job my body and mind need a break. It was nice for a change just to be a general staff member with no responsibilities.

5. I have made alot of friends and will still keep in contact even though they or me might not work for this company

Bad Points

1. The hours of work!!!! OMGGGGG!!!!!!!!!! My body didnt know what hit it. After years and years of working maninly evenings and nights and coming home at 3 to 4am NOW Im getting up at that time. COFFFFEEEEE NOWWWWWW I hate it so much that in my 4 week interview after joining the company the manager asked me officially what  I not like about the company I said the early hours and it was put in my file!!

2. After working at a supervisor level for many years its hard to be just an ordinary staff member. My brain still reacts to situations as a supervisor and I have to stop myself doing or saying things.

3. Even though I am just an ordinary staff memeber I do alot more duties than my job describtion and its not really recognised either financially or verbally

4. Everyone thinks that when they start a new job that it is the best job they have ever had but  as time goes by you begin to realise things might not be that good afterall.

So after careful consideration I have decided it is time to move on. In the last few weeks I have bought a lap top and mp3 player( yes me, who used to live in internet cafes!!!). Ive updated my cv and thats when it really hit me that I was getting nothing out of this company. Looking at my cv and seeing all the skills and experience I have gained from previous jobs and then comparing my current job was a shock. It feels like the holday is over, my mind and body have rested and recovered and its time to get back to my real job.

Last week I set my cv to a recruitment agency and next week I am meeting them to see what jobs are out there etc.

MY NEW LAPTOP !!!!!!!

holy crap I bought a laptop. OMGGGGGGGGGG

After all these years of believing I didnt need one, a few weeks ago I had a crazy momentt, and bought one. Then a few days ago I bought an MP3 player. I dont know whats come over me, maybe its the shock of seeing these...

phewwwww.......... is it my imagination or has it suddenly got a bit hot in here, can someone turn the air con on.................

methinks me better stop now as I just lost my concentration

ok so here goes,  hope you are settled goes it might be a long one!!!

yes I know Im erratic with thes updates but sometimes its not my fault!! At the end of may a certain Mr Jackson unexpectaly flew into London and caused all sorts of chaos in the fan world. As I was leaving work on the wednesday night my phone exploded with texts and voicemail and so the fans mania began again. All the usual motley crew were soon in contact and flights trains etc wre hastly booked. On crazy person, you know who you are even flew in from Holland!!!

As he had allowed photos of him arriving in Heathrow to be publised we knew that he was definatly here, but he was up to his usual tricks and promptly disapeared into the dark hole of London. Groups of fans began gathering mainly at the Dorchester hotel which seems to have become an unofficail fan meeting place.

On the thursday we eventually found out where he was staying. There was only about 20 fans around mainly from London. At about 7pm on thursday night he suddenly left the hotel, and the usual scenes of fans running though traffic trying to follow him and see him must seem soo crazy to people going about their normal day !!!

We eventually found out that he was in London to attend the birthday celebrations of the Prince of Brunai. When he left London he went to a country estate about 3 hours from London where the party was being held. Some fans decided to go to the location of the party but most stayed in London.

That weekend was soo much fun. It was really nice to spend time with London fans who I had only really spoken to online. We knew where Michael was, and that he would probably be back in a few days so we were able to have fun without all the tension and stress we normally feel when Michael is around.

He arrived back on the monday and for the rest of the week stayed hidden in the hotel. His security were out and about alot but it was a really strange week. Security told us that Michael apriciates us being there and it was ok for us to be at the hotel We were not told to keep the location of the hotel secret but we were asked to be respectful of hotel property and guests. I think after the madness of what happened at the carlton towers in march security are stepping up their game. This is a new team and so far they have seen fans trash hotels and potentially put Michael in danger. Their main responsibility is Michaels safety so as a result things are changing. In a way I agree with the new plan as some fans in the last few years have really pushed the boundaries of what is acceptable fan behaviour. Some fans are giving ALL fans a bad repution and this new team are taking things back to basic. There will always be those who break the rules but things have to change. Its time for fans to behave like fans , NOT to try to be friends with him!!

There was only about 20 to 30 fans around all week. We saw Michael friends Mark Lester and the Prince of Brunai arrive and leave the hotel and security went to starbucks and PC World. Other than that it was a very quiet week. For me I felt so lucky even to be outside the hotel.  For so many years of my life I had no contact with the fan world or Michael and here I was in London, knowing he was in the building and that his securirty knew who we were and actually came out of the hotel to talk to us. It brought back memories of the first time I was outside a hotel and how I felt. Out of all the millions of fans in the world, at this moment Michael could see us and knew we were there for him. Even if we couldnt see him he knew we were there.

One of the main excitments of that week was a musical celebrating 25 years of THRILLER. No one knew whether Michael would attend, but speculation was high as it was organised by Adrian Grant and La Veille Smith helped with the choragraphy.

Fans were on edge the whole day. Do we go, or not, what happens if we decide not to go and he attends the show, what happens if we go to the show and for the first time all week he leaves the hotel and goes shopping??????????

Omg the stress was back!!! Eventually we decide to go but a few fans who had already seen it decided to stay at the hotel just in case. That way we had all options covered!! 

The show was amazing, for the first time allweek we could actually scream and shout as much as we liked. The audience was a complete mix of fans from crazy insane like us to people who had grown up with J5. At about half way though the show we got a text saying securiety had gone to HMV. For one heart stopping moment we thought it was Michael and we were ready to leave the show  but after reading the text again we calmed down.

After the show we went back to the hotel and so begain our adventures on the no 10 bus!! That night we spent about about 4 hours up and down oxford street and back to the hotel, making sure he wasnt out any where. The fans at the hotel definatly saw security go out to HMV but no one knew for sure where Michael was. At about 2.20 am we had had enough and got the bus home. There were still some fans at the hotel so we said goodnight to them.

The next morning I woke to find a text saying Michael had left!!!!! OMGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGG NNNNNNNNOOOOOOOOOOO

He left at around 8am, and before he left he talked to the fans who had been there allnight.

Thanks for the memories you guys ........pizza hut........discovering the joys of watching dvds in slow motion........... starbucks........ mj sleepovers......... getting to know London fans...... dancing in the street..........No10 bus.....