so this year i work during x-mas. i was hopeing to see the kids but i guess they are haveing a party at my folks home so i don't think that i'll get to see them. i'll send their presents down with my sister. i've been spending alot of time thinking about my ex and things and i guess it just depresses the hell outta me to know that we were so close and that she could just walk away from me so coldly. she dosen't even speak to me and hasn't for years now. dosen't care how i'm doing or anything. she didn't even want to try to work things out, just gave up and moved on like i was some random guy. i thought that we were closer than that and after all the promises that she made me that she'd never leave me... she left me when i needed her the most. her mom won't even  talk to me. sure i wasn't the best husband and i could have used alot of improvement, but there was also alot of very good things about me and i did alot of good things for the family, but i suppose those things are very easy to forget. so this x-mas i'll be alone. no wife, no kids, not even a freaking tree. why bother putting one up? i can't wait for this whole family court thing to be over with. cps dosen't like me and i don't know why. i do everything that they want me to, have a steady job and do alot of good things, but still they seem to think that i'm a bad guy for some reason. i hate to sound all doom and gloom, but today is just one of those days where i miss being with someone who loves me. how can it be helped when everywhere you go everything is all decorated and cheerful and everyone seems so happy. i'm sure i'll cheer up after the new year and things will return to some version of normal. i've been told alot of things about why my ex is telling people about me. that hurts too. guess leaving me wasn't good enough. i'm fairly certain that no one is going to read this so i don't feel very shy about it, i suppose it helps some to get it off my chest.