i fell like im floating in space today. i have flown alot lately. to much for humans. do birds get jet lag? they probably do but call it something different. like migration migraine or something slightly humourous in the same vien. dont judger them on the weakness of their jokes. their brains are much smaller than ours which works out for the best because if their heads where as big as ours they'd be easier to shoot. one wonders if thats why they do it. have small heads to avoid extermination with the only draw back is being an idiot.

if anyones knows any birds,ask them this. if at first thery dont respond, persevere.

i require a haircut. i havent had it cut in a couple of months and its becoming as unruly as rocket riddled isreal. although if my hair had continually fired rockets into the middle east i couldnt say id be surprised if they started firing back but that is niether here nor important to me.

 what concerns me is the direction to take my hair in. heres what i think. trim the fringe so it doesnt iritate my eyes then just let the rest rip and flow.

your input is welcome. if you can think of an alternative style, please, feel free to write in a suggestion. however, any thing that will drastically change the length will be dismissed out of hand. im very much like samson. to the point that i dont think he physically lost strength. he was so mortified by looking like a suit and tie guy that everything just seemed pointless after that he just started smoking pot and playing the guitar so nobody mistook him for some one who gave a fuck. it was in this period that he wrote and scored the tom jones classic "why, why, why delila". its a little know fact that is only available in the aramaic version of the bible. fucking vatican. release the truth you worms

im off to do bestival on the isle of wight tommorrow.the beatie boys are headlining and i have  a small possibility of meeting them in the performers area. if i do, i promise to try my damndest to tickle one of their chins and ask "who's my favorite rap jews?" then get really upset when they refuse to answer. just because i was baby talking doesnt mean i didnt want a response. then i'll slink away muttering something about matiashyia or what ever the name of that hacidic guy was who had a couple hits a few years ago.

  only i will know the real truth about my continuing use of sabotage and intergalactic in all life scenarios. thats right beasties. your the best but dont let it go to your head and certainly dont mention it on your website because i'll deny everything. i was there in cloverdale at lollapalooza when the poor smashing pumpkins had it in their heads that they could follow you.

 to set the scene, the beasties had taken three years of to learn their instruments and had just released ill communication.

 the pumpkiins had a drummer with a smack habit. it was like watching tyson in his prime.

 just so you know, at around 9pm gmt there will be a disturbance in the force. it will be me, arms spread to the stage giving my best concert "yeaaahhhh" as everyone else is trying to listen the first chords of sabotage.

   i am currently recovering from the edinburgh festival like a general convalesing on his farm. the war is over. some battles lost that shouldve been won. some victories that relied more on luck and the weather than skill and guile. but all in all i have done my best and held the hill. advanced in some areas that i will improve upon when i return.

   this why i shouldnt have read my reviews from this year. they were for the most part good but there was a couple that you would have thought that i was supposed to be curing cancer instead of doing this show that is wasting everyones time and in essence killing all the little bald children in the ward because i didnt apply my talents to what im good at. im not trying to imply that im with holding the cure for cancer but if i had, i would put stipulations on who gets it.

  now im aware that cirrosis will take many more reviewers than cancer ever could and perhaps that is why there is no cure for it. almost every medical student has been in some sort of production at the fringe and most have had the misfortune of getting bad reviews. what i suggest is that the reviewers employ some restaint for a couple years until the doctor heads get it sorted.

 barring that. can we not just cure it in private and watch the scibes yellow and die like aging paper. then rate the deaths.

 im not being bitter here. i got 6 four star reviews (and a couple of 2 stars that no one told me about until i checked). im not too upset about the two who didnt like me. over the past year doug stanhope did a my space announcement saying that i was the best stand up in the uk. stewart lee, after seeing my preview, told me that he thought i was doing better work than bill hicks. i know it sounds concieted to say things like this about yourself but i just do it to ask the question of what those two bad reviewers think they know about humour that these two comedy legends dont?

  my problem with reviews this year is of the ones ive read there is a  real vendetta against acts who's material also works on the circuit. it seems like you lose a star for it but if your doing something confessional that ,at a jongleurs,would get you touched in the all the places your uncle didnt. all of a sudden its more worthy. 

   ive talked to a couple of circuit acts that arent ever coming back to edinburgh and thats a shame because the festival is dying. its only attracting one kind of punter and narrowing the kind of act that is willing to perform there wont rectify that.

  maybe its death is a good thing. the whole thing seems a bit expensive and pointless to the average person. it would be nice perform in front of a more diverse audience. the other part of me says dont change a thing because regardless of everything, i had a blast.

hello to all my friends, i havent been responding to any sort of internet attempts on my attention lately because im currently living in edinburgh for the month and my flat has no internet.

shocking, i know. i feel like im living in the past. i may even take to wearing a pager just to highten the sense.

edinburgh is going awesome. both the play im in and my solo show are selling well and getting laughs.

my kidneys hurt from the constant processing of my insecure behavior and my legs are gigantic from all the walking. i have no voice to speak of, making the song at the end of the play quite interesting. i think people are just embarrassed for me. but hey, if they wanted a singer why did they hire a comedian?

peace out from the burg

     why am i fascinated by the deaths of wrestlers? i wish i had no clue who any of these people were but the sad fact is... i do. there is something inheriently funny about a man named mr perfect dying of a heart attack at age 38. but its not that funny. i just cant help myself. im aware that these are real tradgedies with peoples lives being altered on all sides but when i heard that chris benoits wife was strangled all i could think was "why didnt she tap out?". thats no way to treat the recently dead even if it is just in my own head (and a blog).

    i guess in the end im not sure if wrestling is the best or worst thing about our culture. i rarely watch it anymore. i might go over to my buddy brendans house to watch wrestlemania if im in town when its on and i was genuinely upset that i wasnt able to see vince macmahon and donald trumps haircut match. although, to be fair growing up i would always get a semi when brutus the barber would cut some poor saps hair. i have no idea what it means and have never tried to go any deeper to that side of my sexuality. it is the same when little dogs deficate. watching the side muscles tense up and the guilt in their eyes well, again, ive never done anything about it because i dont think they have bars for that particular fetish. even if there are, i dont want to meet the others.

     some of this may end up in my edinburgh show

 heres the deal, the last time i did a charity gig was for live life then give life. the show was to get enough money to hire a specialist to work in a hospital that could help cut down on the number of false alarms that people on the organ donation waiting list get. about a month ago i was informed that the benifit had raised enough money for this to become a reality. i was happy to be able to have helped.

   the question now is what do i do to follow that. it may be a bit ambitious but i dont want to waste my hot streak on something trivial and that is why for my next charity experience im going after aids in africa. this time it wont be through the magic of comedy but through bewitching experience of celebrity hiking. if you would like to sponsor me for this please go to http://www.justgiving.com/glennwool

     come on everyone, lets cure aids

i dont know what hurts any more! i am awash in tiny health complaints. i feel like im being eaten by piranhas.

 recently, i have dislocated my pinky toe, had my back waxed and a wisdom tooth removed. theres a heady mix of vanity, nescesaty, and clumsiness.

    you can use pain to your advantage becuase let me tell you, no thing hurts more than waxing. the wisdom tooth just pops out compared to the 40 minutes of soul searching that you go through when a beauty thearapist just keeps going. i know its not comparable in that the dentist used freezing but thats not to say i havent tried self medicating for my waxings (poetic or other wise). nothing can take focus away from that sort of pain. i have often wondered when i see goths with self harming scars, if they have ever tried waxing? thats right ghost face, vanity hurts way more than thinking your ugly.

  the toe pain did come in handy at the dentist. everytime i felt discomfort i'd press down on my toe. it confuses the pain receptors and they look at both areas while they decide which way to send it then its over and they just say fuck it. but those pain receptors are dinosaurs anyway. cant we just come to an understanding with our bodies. if we hear a crack and something turns purple we just wont use it. whats this nagging reminder in our thumbs really going to say about hammer misuse? we havent been doing it on purpose. i have thought about taking drugs to block out the pain of waxing but nothing works. i even took codiene which is an opiate and it lost. the step up from that is heroin and i dont want to broach that slippery slope. i have a feeling it would win but id end up with smooth body as the justification and addiction walked hand in hand towards an alopecia plastic utopia.

last night i performed at a charity event that was attempting to raise money for organ donation thing where basically when people are on the organ donor list sometimes the hospital will get someone they think will be a match so they'll call them down to the hospital prep em for surgery and the dream of an improved life expectancy only to find that the organ in question is damaged and unusable. at that point the person has to go home with the ratty old organ that refuses to pull its own wieght (honestly, some times you kidneys and lungs can be so lazy. these people provide you with a lovely rib cage and nutrients and thats how you repay them? by malfunctioning or not functioning at all. you should be ashamed of yourself. the hospital incinerator is too good for you.)

any way, the charity is called LIVE LIFE THEN GIVE LIFE in association with the CYSTIC FIBROSIS TRUST. they're trying to raise money for a specialist wing in a hospital where they would be able to reduce the amount of times that some one got a false alarm about an organ donation. hopefully, in the future that sort of mix up will only take place within the confines of a highly inappropriate hidden camera television show.

so give money if you got it, and if you dont got it there is one donation that any one can give from the paupers to the artists formerly known as prince. yer guts, thats right. you dont need em when your dead and with out consent some other people will die. so just to try and save yourself an embarrassing scene in heavens waiting room where your sitting beside someone of the same blood type as you who has just succumbed to any number of diseases that organ donation can delay the fatality of. basic chit chat of what did you die of? a car accident? no organ donation card? you prick.

join the organ donation regtister at www.uktransplant.org.uk or call them on 0845 60 60 400

p.s. if it turns out that you need them in the afterlife im really sorry. i went with the best information i had at the time. it was a gut feeling. in essence, i followed my heart then i gave it away