I feel like parts of the essential me are starting to appear when I thought they were lost.  "Yea yea we were never lost.  We just decided to take a vacation while you acted like a dumbass. In fact we think you may be possessed and we need to find some holy water, crosses, and a priest."  And then there is, "I go away for just awhile and you decide to fall in love." Basically I feel like I am back.....

The person I was....the happy one who was laid back and liked to
go out all the time, spontaneous and confident. You know the one who
pissed other girls off walking into a room even though I am nice if you
bother getting to know me and not just hate someone because of
insecurities. The one who was mysterious and kept her thoughts to
herself. The one who would show up and disappear. The one who would
start to drive to one thing she got invited to then change her mind on
the way and go to somewhere else. The one who hardly ever cried because
she was too proud to let things show. The one who is always up to
whatever and wants to see the world again. The one who liked to dress
up in whatever looked good and still look fashionable even if it was
grandma's old coat, a diy reconstructed $2 target tee or whatever.

All
I'm saying is I'm back. I am not hiding anymore I'm taking off my
mourning clothes kind of and starting to realize that I am probably
disappointing the ones I loved who probably would shake their heads and
tell me I'm being stupid. Idk you know Slaughterhouse 5 is a great book
really. Without pain there isn't life and you can't appreciate life
without death. You shouldn't have survivors guilt which I do in a weird
way like you know they were worth more to the world not me like I'd
take one of their places you know if I could. But if you try to avoid
anything that will hurt and avoid places that will leave you feeling
nostalgia in a bad sort of sad way you stop living. Because being
reclusive like I've been dead in a weird way. Like I feel like I've
been punishing myself for two regrets I'm sure I'm absolved of like I
think they know that I would have changed my two regrets. Kind of weird
ones maybe. I can't explain it. I should have never got mad over a
little thing let alone almost burn a bridge over it. I know she was the
one who felt guilty, but really I had already forgave her and I wish
she had known that before it happened. Not only that I wish she knew
how sorry I was for it too. I already had felt guilty over being mad
and we would be close and then I feel like I'd push her away because I
didn't ever want to be that vulnerable and close to a person again. But
I miss that connection. I'll never have a friendship that compares and
it makes me feel lonely thinking of it. I also wish I just I don't know
you realize how much someone or some people loved you and you never
thought it was as much as you later realize and you also realize how
much more you loved someone than pretty much anyone. And you are
constantly wishing you could change the past told yourself not to be
stupid. Told yourself that it wasn't fear of being left out it was
jealousy you were feeling over a girlfriend. Yea. Retrospect just sucks
when it comes to some things.

But I don't want to be an
"Everything was beautiful and nothing hurt" type of person. Anytime
anything really bad happens or I feel really bad emotional pain thats
the first thing that pops in my head. Why? I guess because the only
people who can feel that way are the people who aren't actually alive.
They might breathe but they are dead to what life is about just for
protection. So I guess for whatever reason it just randomly pops in my
head everytime I'm really upset, and it is a nice reminder that pain is
necessary. You can't appreciate one thing without its negative opposite
you know?

So yea it hurts to hang out with people thats why I
hardly do. I want to but I hate the emptiness I am left with. I just
you know it's never going to be the same again. And yea I will probably
never find anyone to compare, but I still need to be with people and
have friends and hang out. I just need to stop expecting like something
to magically appear or feel right again. It can't ever feel right until
I stop comparing it to the past. Like I guess before I wanted to
believe I was somehow getting better but really I was getting worse.
Now, I have had this epiphany and I guess something that I'd feared
over happened and I realized nothing will ever hurt again as much as
their deaths hurt me. Yes, I can have things I dread to happen and then
I realize it doesn't compare actually to that pain and really it
suddenly kind of stops hurting. Weird right?

So hmmm although
something bad happened somehow it made me realize I miss being myself
again so yea I just feel better now that's all. I am laid back too. I
don't I just know I am tired of trying to prevent or worry about
something I have no control over and I am also tired of not being
myself or living my life.

Ron Paul 2012.......





















I wish Ron Paul was elected. I wish Ron Paul won the Republican Primary and I wish that the media didn't brainwash the American Fucktards to vote for Obama when they could have had Ron Paul and we could be happier right now. STUPID STUPID AMERICA

both strengthens and cuts me off

I have never whored myself out, even now I haven't let a small breach in what I prided myself in allow me to join in on how most people seem to think it's cool to act.

I don't seek vengeance.  I might dislike someone, I might tell people what I think about them, but I don't harm them or try to bring them down. I avoid them as I would a poisonous snake, and allow them to go on their own way.  If one of my friends does something to them in my defense I usually feel bad about it and embarassed although I still miss the one who took up for me the most even if it caused me trouble.

I think people are getting stupid with each generation.  Most people seem to not now how to do anything themselves. They live for pleasure in the most synthetic and harmful of forms....they conform and try to say they are different...it's conforming even when you try to stick out by non-conforming...it's conforming.  Actions are what make people different, actions and the core of who they are.  Otherwise everyone is in different costume, but performing the same roles. 

If you try to be good, to not play the games other people play, you get lonely.  People tend to hate you or not understand you and leave you alone.  Guys will befriend you, but then once you have someone they leave you too. They just wanted to break you in their own special way get the filth of all the other rutting people on you. Most girls will hate you on sight out of jealousy, out of pure hatred for themselves?  I dunno but they will....so you learn to avoid girls.....There are a few girls i trust and love and they know who they are....there are guys I trust and love and they also know who they are.

I almost felt fooled that to feel alive I have to do what society portrays of living life to the fullest.  But in all actuality I am the one who is more alive than most people. I have less soilage on me....I've walked above people when they wanted me to stoop to their levels.  I've held my head up when I've been kicked and felt abused. I never gave in....for the most part. I've gone through terrible things and not used it as an excuse to numb my brain for months on end....I'm stronger than most and I keep kicking myself....I'm hurting myself the most by changing by trying to be someone I'm not, someone worse truthfully....So I won't anymore....I'm done....I won't struggle to be anyone's idea of perfect, but my own.  Maybe my idea made me sick but it also made me above a lot of people because I tried to go around without hurting people and not even holding grudges....i'm going back to that...instead of dispising someone I will only pity them.  I will show them my noble side and hold my head up show them kindness.....I need to follow the thread I've been stringing back to who I really a and stop trying to be someone I'm not.

Here are the Descriptions of the areas I scored higher on: 70% or higher Intellectual likes gadgets, analytical, problem solver, knowledgable, philisophical, observant, curious, synthesizer, perceptive, enjoys games of strategy, prescient, questioner, inventive, introspective, relies more on mind than others, more influenced by self than others, brainstormer, nerdy, looks for hidden patterns, seeks meaning, rationalist, bibiliophile, likes science fiction Mystical feels pulled to the symbolic, archetypal, and mysterious; likes to look wierd, believes in extra sensory perception, lives an experimental life, frequently reinvents self, more abstract than logical, more likely to be a trauma survivor, looks for hidden meaning, attracted to wierdness, different, off beat, unpredictable, more solitary, focus on fantasies more than reality, drawn to artistic and cutting edge industries, bohemian, prefers autonomy, erotic, charmer, insightful, prefers strange clothing Artistic drawn to artistic and cutting edge industries, drawn to careers where creativity is a solitary pursuit, more abstract than concrete, original, appreciates beauty, ideal love seeking, intense, imaginative, introspective, likes indie rock music, prone to an interest in acting, likes art house movies, self expressive, likes to look wierd, pulled to the symbolic and mysterious, likes to perform, prone to keeping a journal, attracted to the counter culture, interested in journalism, odd, trend setter, different, lives an experimental life, prefers shopping at organic markets, attracted to wierdness, more likely to be vegetarian, dislikes the ordinary and non dramatic, feels both special and defective Narcissism use their looks to get what they want, is able to plan and work towards goals successfully, loves themself, optimistic, sparkling, achiever, self promoting, self assured, success driven, thinks they can charm anyone, ambitious, elegant, thinks they are better looking than most people (which they may or may not be), believes that they are special, more a leader than a follower, believes that other people are envious of them, loves to win awards, fits in most places, seductive, purposeful, believes in success through appearances, assertive, goal oriented, would love to have buildings and monuments named after them, believes they deserve all the good things they have, likes to be popular Conflict Seeking quick-tempered, more war than peace, likes to instigate anger in others, can be hurtful, arrogant, says mean things intentionally, makes enemies, prone to verbal rants, enjoys fighting, more likely to be aggressive than form alliances, more rough than tender, competitive, can be crude, likes to antagonize people, finds it easy to manipulate others, does not treat others as they would like to be treated, reckless, impulsive, destructive, insult artist, brutally honest, all or nothing personality, gets attention through negative behavior, believes it is necessary to be ruthless to be successfull, unpredictable, thinks most people are idiots, comes on too strong, more a leader than a follower Avoidant loner, limits social interaction because it's draining, does not express emotions easily, shy, does not like most people, does not think most people like them, nothing really pleases them, prefers to dress down (hide attractiveness), considered wierd by others, values personal privacy above personal relationships, feels dejected and better off alone, neglects self, has low self esteem issues, can't find meaning in life, seeks wholeness through isolation, hard to get to know, emotionally numb, even in a relationship they desire a sense of seperateness, thinks life is overrated, would rather be alone then risk rejection, thinks people would not like them if they really knew them, feels like an outsider, afraid to show it when they like some one, aversion to physical contact, somewhat asexual, prone to shame, existentially depressed, prone to focus on suffering, bitter, does not like happy people, poor self image, anhedonic Individuality believes they are very odd, likes to behave and or dress in a shocking manner, drawn to artistic and cutting edge industries, wants to be as independent from society as possible, likes to look wierd, self expressive, most people think they are crazy, desires autonomy / complete freedom, frequently reinvents self, unpredictable, more random than controlled, drawn to careers where creativity is a solitary pursuit, more abstract than concrete, grew up feeling that they had to stand out to be happy, attracted to the counter culture, dissatisfied with the ordinary and non dramatic, pursues the extroadinary and intense, prefers wierd friends, thinks they are a trend setter, lives an experimental life, driven by curiousity, reckless, novelty seeking, fond of anarchy, bohemian, feels like they lose a sense of self when the agree with people Peter Pan Complex avoids responsibilities, people tell them they are childish and need to grow up, would rather live in their head than the real world, wants success to just happen to them, focuses on fantasies more than reality, believes they deserve to have whatever they want, life lacks direction, never know what to do next, does dumb things frequently, inconsistent performance, lazy, slacker, does the minimum to get by, does things without thinking, does not feel they have any reason to accomplish anything, tend to ignore or put off problems, believes fun is the most important thing in life, most people think they are crazy, forgets scheduled appointments, more past than future, gets attention through negative behavior Physical Fitness feels in good shape and look forwards to a long happy life, good self image, proud of health and strength, feels they are better looking than most people, high self esteem, loves physical exertion, more likely to wear tight fitting clothing if female, not prone to eating disorders, (HAHAHA) less likely to have health problems, takes care of self, athletic Paranoia suspicious of others until they have proven themselves trustworthy, more doubt than belief, preoccuppied with death and suffering, fears being harmed or controlled, bitter, looks for hidden meaning in things, personality is centered around low self esteem issues, feels misunderstood, thinks people would not like them if they really knew them, defensive, often experiences disgust, love-hate relationships with most things, likes to test people's loyalty, thinks life is overrated, focuses on suffering, feels like an outsider, existentially depressed, does not trust what people say, prone to shame, suffers from depression, knows the dark side of life very well, attracted to things associated with sadness, would rather remain alone than risk rejection, hard to get to know, makes enemies, loner Vanity uses looks to get what they want, arrogant, self-absorbed, believes they can get what they want because of how they look, believes in success through appearances, cares about how they look to others, believes looking good is more important than comfort, feels best when others find them physically attractive, believes other people are envious of them, superficial, feels best when admired, attentive to appearance, spends a lot of time thinking about what is attractive, feels they are better looking than most people, competes for the spotlight, self promoting, feels both superior and defective, likes to manipulate others, seductive, likes to be popular, used to getting their way, reckless with money, wealth seeking, does things primarilly for the benefit of themself, does not like to be friends with people who are physically unattractive, tends to wear tight fitting clothing if female, desires more attention, assumes most people like them

Oh this hurricane's blowing us thin This never ending swirl of American sin Where I strayed on my knees to a bottomless cage Where they throw dollar bills and hope to be saved The poshest scarf on the warmest day... Its enough to make you give up ...she says... I know I know I know ...it shows As we sleep in this broken Cadillac We watch the world leave it doesn't look back I gotta say that...when my heart attacks Don't return it...it will fire right back... So let's just lie here as they paint us black... Oh this earthquake is shaking our hands Free at the wrists just as we started a dance The hardest thing next to diamond rings Is the coats we have to wear just to make ends meet I got this year and fifty more to beat... Its enough to make you give up...she says... I know I know I know...so let go... The nervous ticks only the holy get The country treats as the cities get sick The lunatics and the Harlem tricks The country treats as we all get sick... I hurt myself today to see if I still feel I focus on the pain the only thing that's real the needle tears a hole the old familiar sting try to kill it all away but I remember everything what have I become? my sweetest friend everyone I know goes away in the end and you could have it all my empire of dirt I will let you down I will make you hurt I wear this crown of thorns upon my liar's chair full of broken thoughts I cannot repair beneath the stains of time the feelings disappear you are someone else I am still right here what have I become? my sweetest friend everyone I know goes away in the end and you could have it all my empire of dirt I will let you down I will make you hurt if I could start again a million miles away I would keep myself I would find a way How long, how long will I slide Separate my side; I don't, I don't believe it's bad Slittin' my throat it's all I ever... I heard your voice through a photograph I thought it up; it brought up the past Once you know you can never go back I've got to take it on the otherside Centuries are what it meant to me A cemetery where I marry the sea Stranger things could never change my mind I gotta take it on the otherside Take it on the otherside Take it on Take it on How long, how long will I slide Separate my side; I don't, I don't believe it's bad Slittin my throat it's all I ever... Pour my life into a paper cup The ashtray's full and I'm spillin' my guts She wants to know am I still a slut I've got to take it on the otherside A scarlet starlet and she's in my bed A candidate for my soul mate bled I push the trigger and I pull the thread I've got to take it on the otherside Take it on the otherside Take it on Take it on How long, how long will I slide Separate my side; I don't, I don't believe it's bad Slittin' my throat it's all I ever... Turn me on, take me for a hard ride Burn me out, leave me on the otherside I yell and tell it that It's not my friend I tear it down, I tear it down And then it's born again How long, how long will I slide Separate my side; I don't, I don't believe it's bad Slittin' my throat it's all I ever had (how long) I don't, I don't believe it's fair Slittin' my throat it's all I ever...

Anyway, i can try anything it's the same circle that leads to nowhere and i'm tired now.
anyway, i've lost my face, my dignity, my look, everything is gone and i'm tired now.
but don't be scared, i found a good job and i go to work every day on my old bicycle you loved.
i am pilling up some unread books under my bed and i really think i'll never read again.
no concentration, just a white disorder everywhere around me, you know i'm so tired now.
don't worry i often go to dinners and parties with some old friends who care for me, take me back home and stay.
monochrome floors, monochrome walls, only abscence near me, nothing but silence around me.
monochrome flat, monochrome life, only abscence near me, nothing but silence around me.
sometimes i search an event or something to remind me, but i've really got nothing in mind.
sometimes i open the windows and listen people walking in the down streets. there is a life out there.
but don't be scared, i found a good job and i go to work every day on my old bicycle you loved.
anyway, i can try anything it's the same circle that leads to nowhere and i'm tired now.
anyway, i've lost my face, my dignity, my look, everthing is gone gone and i'm tired now.
but don't be scared, i found a good job and i go to work every day on my old bicycle you loved.
don't worry i often go to dinners and parties with some old friends who care for me, take me back home and stay.
mochrome floors, monochrome walls, only abscence near me, nothing but silence around me.
monochrome flat, monochrome life, only abscence near me, nothing but silence around me

My day to day life is soooooo great....oh yes....staying up all night next to two puppies laying with you and scratching their fleas on you....waking up in the morning with new red spots making me look like a leprosy victim...waking up groggy....and then spending the day listening to Spaz whine and constantly paying attention to him although it never makes him stop because he knows he can manipulate you....cleaning everything....cleaning up after the cats, dogs, other people, myself....and then going to clean more for random people to make money or repay debt....being out of the loop over here in louisville of my friends = no social life....fun fun....Feeling attention starved all the time and then feeling like Spaz and whining constantly except no one really ever listens to me....cause I guess other people are more selfish about themselves....turning in millions of applications and no one calls....wooo....yea....i guess no one wants me....I should probably do the humane thing and euthanize myself. But then who would take care of my dogs or cats...or my one dog and my cats and other people's dog....hmmm....I'm so tired of everything....I really hope someone calls me back and i get like 3 jobs, so i don't have time to think, but actually have money to spend on myself and my pets....and the stuff I need to do to my house.....bah

Sun in Aries, Moon in Scorpio

Well, whatever may happen to you, good or bad, life is never going to be dull. Between your own aggressiveness and vitality, your conviction of your own worth, and the way you are able to make the world believe in it, you will have your ups and downs, but you will never lose that zest for living which fills you with energy and inner drive. Although not by any means always happy (you have a way of brooding over secret matters, real or imagined, of which even those closest to you have little knowledge), you none the less give the impression of competence and ability, of holding the strands of your life firmly in your hands and of doing with them pretty much as you please. Even in adversity, you are undismayed; for a combination of faith in yourself, and in some higher power which you may or may not call God, or Luck, surrounds you with a kind of aura of invulnerability.

You seem so competent and capable that you are likely not to get nearly as much sympathy from the world as others do - and you don't want sympathy; you scorn it. Ready enough to give it to others (though in a rather detached and impersonal manner), you would consider yourself humiliated if sympathy were offered to you. You are able to take care of yourself, and do, and are proud of it, and resent any implication that you can't. This justifies your pride both to yourself and to the world.

You have a turbulent nature, and in many ways lead a turbulent life. If you are born low, you go high; if you're born high and secure, you're likely to go low and jump back again. There's a steel spring in you that stays wound up, waiting for the emergencies of life, for you are not really ambitious in a worldly sense. You want security, comfort, activity, excitement, perhaps, but you are content with these. You like recognition, but for its own sake rather than for wealth.

Your rewards in life are deeply intimate and personal, and the conviction of your own worth, is of more value to you than all the money or property in the world. Thus, as an artist, though you may, through your vitality and your ability to magnetize the public, achieve some degree of fame and recognition, you pursue your art from a truly inner sense of well-being in a task well done, in a Self properly realized and expressed. But at the same time that you are expressing yourself in this or in some other way, there are deep wells of secret things that you do not express at all - ideas, ideals, dreams, imaginings, that never come to the surface and would surprise your friends if they knew of them if they were not prepared never to be surprised by anything you may do. This great fund of secret ideology provides inspiration if you are an artist of any kind, and magnetic force to your personality, either in business or in social matters.

You are pretty set in your ways, very inflexible when your mind is made up - determined without the appearance of being stubborn (though of course you are stubborn!), and able to convince people peaceably even against their wills. You are exceptionally loyal and devoted in matters of love and stick to your friends through years and years.

You are capable of demanding little and giving much; but you won't be imposed on, and you have a sure instinct for the chiseler, the sycophant, or the fawner who may seek your friendship merely to be helped by your money or your influence. Him you detect and scorn. But you will give the shirt off your back for a worthy person, though you have in general little interest in causes. You will help individuals and let the causes take care of themselves.

Sometimes I feel like I have more to offer then what this town or region can give me
Sometimes I feel like I'm wasting precious minutes on the clock, but I don't know what else I should be doing...?
Sometimes I feel like I've lost reality with the girl I was....each phase....I feel lost now?
I feel still stuck in a moment it all went wrong and I can't get out
I don't live in the past, the now, or the future...I'm forever on pause....
I think I'm waiting but I'm not sure for what
Maybe I'm waiting to wake up like it'll all be ok.....that my life will go on how I planned it to last May
I feel unfulfilled...waiting for the needle to drop on a record that will never play
My life is a broken record of repeated mistakes, of hurting people, and hurting myself, of the same old faces and new faces, and then the same old faces again....a cycle that won't stop
I keep pushing people away
And the only person who knew me ceased to know me
but no one else is getting in either
I feel fake too much like peeling recoated paint off my skin but never have to time to find me again
I feel like I'm running out of time but I don't know why
I know I'm wasting time I could be doing things
I feel resentful to people but never tell them why
Just let it grow inside me and blossom out as its eats away at me
They'll never get the pain from it
Everytime someone hurts me I take it on myself
I remember every hurtful word said to me to push me harder when I'm being lazy
Words are the spurs that urge me on
Sometimes I can't decipher paranoia from the truth but usually I am right and it is the truth because I am one of the best people at reading other people....I feel like I can see into souls....I don't know if that sounds silly....but I get alarm bells that tell me what a person is thinking or feeling
I hate hurting people but sometimes its the only way for me to cope
I never do anything to be mean....I just give my thorny side...the side that makes you bleed....the quiet resentment and fake voice because I know fakeness can hurt
I won't cry in front of anyone, pride is my sin
I'm proud of my pride
I can be Vain
I never thought I was pretty until girls being bitches and stranger's comments made me realize it
I'm humble...I know you think I'm pretty but I just see what I must fix
Fixing things makes me live for the next day
nothing else really....I know this is wrong
but above all I don't know how t fix that
I don't know how to live in the all
I'm still in the past
I pray but my prayers only help other people not myself
maybe my pride stands in my way
I see a shadow of my future but I don't think I'm moving the right way
I want to live in Europe
I want to wander the world
I want to not ever feel lonely because I travel too much to have any reason not feel lonely if that makes sense
I think I like being lonely I just miss my soul being known
I know I am counting out 3 longtime people
but after them I'm afraid I've lost myself
I'm afraid everyone has a different piece of who I am but the main components have been turned into ash
I don't know
I guess people evolve
as they grow
they evolve
I'm not sure where I'm going with this
except that I wish I could take another vacation to another reality

The masterminds behind my kittens' names:

Ralph Waldo Emerson

Deep, deep are loving eyes,
Flowed with naphtha fiery sweet,
And the point is Paradise
Where their glances meet:
Their reach shall yet be more profound,
And a vision without bound:
The axis of those eyes sun-clear
Be the axis of the sphere;
Then shall the lights ye pour amain
Go without check or intervals,
Through from the empyrean walls,
Unto the same again.


Edgar Allen Poe:


In visions of the dark night
I have dreamed of joy departed--
But a waking dream of life and light
Hath left me broken-hearted.
Ah! what is not a dream by day
To him whose eyes are cast
On things around him with a ray
Turned back upon the past?

Vincent Van Gogh:



Robert Frost:

Some say the world will end in fire,
Some say in ice.
From what I've tasted of desire
I hold with those who favor fire.
But if it had to perish twice,
I think I know enough of hate
To say that for destruction ice
Is also great
And would suffice.