So to start off I guess I need to tell a little back story, you know
before I met my ex. When I was little my dad abused my mom, my sister
and me. Physically, sexually. I do not remember any of it, yet, and
even when my ex did the same thing to me, those memories still did not
come back up..or at least in detail. My mom and my sister do though,
obviously, but I was only two at the time, my sister was eleven.
Everyone in my family hates my dad, except me, but that’s another
story. He is probably one of the root causes of why I went through
this, but he is not a part of it at all. My father left when I was
three. He was never in my life.
Growing up for me was pretty decent. I won’t say much, but not
having a dad didn’t bother me, except on fathers day, or when I would
see movies like A Mom For Christmas, or The Lion King, movies that
involved dads in big ways. I can’t hear songs like Butterfly Kisses, or
Cinderella without crying. Still. But, I do know, I was better off
without my dad. He was manic depressive bi-polar. His family refused to
acknowledge he had a problem and get him help, so it’s not all his
fault he did the things he did. It’s still his fault a little, but I
don’t believe I can blame him and only him. Like I said, I don’t hate
him…but I don’t want him in my life right now.
So let’s fast forward to my teenage years. I’m in high school. I
love high school. I’m honestly not concerned with dating. I’m not
allowed to date until I’m sixteen anyways so why should I care. I have
crushes, but that’s all they are. I like them like that. I honestly
believe dating in high school is stupid. It’s just a waste of time. As
long as I’ve got my friends and family I am a-ok.
Well I graduate high school. I’m not going to college so I have the
summer to do what I want until after my trip to Florida (my graduation
gift from one of my best-est friends)..where I get a job. Florida is
amazing and fun and fantastic..but I start to feel lonely. You see, my
best friend in Florida is engaged. I start to feel..unworthy because
I’m 18 years old and haven’t had a boyfriend yet. I struggle with this
for a long time. I join dating websites in hope that maybe I’ll find
someone.
I struggled with this for two years. I never, ever, ever let it
show. I lie and say oh yeah I’m fine being single but the loneliness is
always, always, always there. It doesn’t go away. Well in the middle of
the two years I start college. I wasn’t ready for college at all, I’m
honestly not sure if I will ever be. You see, I have a disease called
Neurofibromatosis, and with it can come learning disorders. I never got
diagnosed with it, but it’s a shame. I could have done so much better
in high school. It might have partially been because I transferred
schools after ninth grade, but I just didn’t do..great. I wasn’t
horrible. I failed one class and that is because I genuinely did not
understand it. Geometry (my worst enemy). I did excellent in almost all
of my math classes, except that. Anyway…to make a long story short, I
drop out of college in the middle of my second semester.
Great, now I’m back to just working, but this was one of the best
decisions of my life. It was the first one to help build my confidence
just this little bit. I honestly only went to college because my mom
wanted me too. I felt like I had to. Don’t get me wrong, I absolutely
LOVE LOVE LOVE learning, but..college wasn’t and still isn’t right for
me. I realized that.
Now let’s fast forward a few months. I’ve cooled down a bit on the
dating thing (which was always in my mind through college). Though I
still keep my account open on the dating sites. I’m working at this
awesome temporary job, and I met Candace and Adeo. They are dating.
They are beautiful together. But this time it didn’t bring me down and
make me lonely. It made me stronger. I knew that it was comming for me.
I just had this feeling all through the summer of 08 that God was going
to send the perfect man to me. I was so hopeful…but I didn’t realize it
would turn out like this.
(NOW HERE IS THE STORY WITH KYLE, MY EX)
In August of 2008 I met Kyle through the site christianmingle.com
(I’ve got my gripes with the site, but it’s alright). I was so sure,
from the moment I met him that he was the one God planned for me. Back
then I still believed that God had the perfect person planned out for
you, and that he would just drop him on my door step…I don’t believe
that now. Not because of what happened with Kyle though (another story,
again).
Kyle was a smooth talker from the beginning. Honestly, I wish I
hadn’t deleted all the crap from him off my computer, because I’d have
something to reference this too, but I don’t. I deleted it all.
He talked me up very good the first two weeks we talked, only on
aim, or through text. He would tell me I was cute and this and that,
and this and that. Not once did we talk about our faith.
Around the middle of September something happened. Kyle suddenly
didn’t have time to talk to me anymore. He was soooo busy with school
and work, part of me really wanted to believe him, but I would look on
his facebook and he was talking to another girl. Flirting with her just
like he flirted with me. That should have been my first and only
warning to stay away from him, but I pushed, and I pushed, and I got my
way.
I remember getting a text from him one day, because I was super
excited I had gotten my apron for Starbucks and I told him I was
wearing it. He sent one back that said “Just your apron because that is
fucking HOT!” I felt..so scared and so dirty so I asked him why he
would say something like that, and he lied and said it was his
brother…I believed him, stupidly, blinded by the crush.
We met for the first time at the end of September. That day
went..well interestingly to say the least. I had my best friend come
with me..because despite how “in love” I was with Kyle, I wasn’t dumb.
I knew going alone to meet a person you met online was idiotic. We met
halfway in between where we lived. We lived two and a half hours away
from each other. He lives in Elgin, Illinois, I live in Moline.
Anyway, he was late…really late, and my best friend HATED him from
the start. I should have listened to her. He grabbed my hand, he and I
snuck off for some ice cream…and he held my hand. That was innocent
enough, I mean, you hold the hand of someone you like right? Well the
best friend was getting anxious to go..so we left. I kept wanted to
live that night over and over.
Two days later we met again, this time in a different city. The
night before I had talked about how I had never been kissed, and he
said “oh well we’ll have to change that” or something like that. I had
my first kiss with Kyle. It was..interesting. He liked, layed it on. It
wasn’t even just a peck, it was full on him shoving his tongue down my
throat. I didn’t think much of it, I mean, I HAD FINALLY BEEN KISSED!!
Hurray!
The night went on and he asked if I would like to park the car
somewhere so we could take a walk. It was dark out at this time, but I
was fine with it. We were in a pretty darn safe part of the town.
Anyway, we didn’t take a walk, he invited me into the backseat of my
moms car. Know what we did? We made out. Though at the time I was like
YES THIS IS AWESOME! I didn’t realize how dangerous it was. I didn’t
even think of it.
He kept trying to unbutton my jeans. I kept pushing his hands off my
private area. I kept telling him no and he kept saying “I’m so sorry
Hannah.” in between him shoving his tongue down my throat. I forgave
him for that night when we we’re finally done.
We’ll we both left, I went home, he went home and then came the sob
story. He told me how he was addicted to porn, but it wasn’t even his
fault. His brother got him hooked on it when he was little, but his
brother doesn’t look at it anymore, and now that Kyles met me, he won’t
do it anymore. It was all lies, he still looked at porn while we were
dating.
The next date we had I went all the way up to his house. My sister
drove me there…It was more of the same, only worse. We went to a state
park that was just a mile away from his house. He convinced me to lay
on the ground so he could make out with me, or more. I was so smitten
by him I did it. Why I did, I don’t know. Blinded by “love” I guess.
Then he convinced me to do the same at his house. My hair was a mess. I
don’t know why I did it. This is the part that makes me mad at myself,
because these were the times I did let it happen with no pro-test.
Amway, that date ended. This time it was his turn to come to my
house. More making out, he actually succeeded this time in getting my
pants unbuttoned but I still removed his hands from my are. “I’m sorry
baby, I won’t do it again.” Lies. Lies again. That was actually the
best date we had.
The next time I went to his house, and this is when things escalated
a little more. I actually stayed the night at his house. BIG MISTAKE.
The first mistake was driving up there, the second mistake was
believing I could make it through a night without him actually trying
something. He started out this night by saying how we both had to try
and be good. We had to try and keep our hands off each other because
it’s “what God wants us to do”. We we’re both bad and didn’t listen to
God so our relationship is suffering, you know, because we communicated
so well. Actually he blamed me for all the communication problems, when
really it was his fault. I can’t help that I’m a little bit shy around
people I like.
Anyway, we went to his lovely little fitness gym. After that we into
my moms car, only he wanted to make out. Again I found myself in the
backseat. This time was different. We started out just kissing, but he
eventually got my pants open again, and this time did succeed in
sticking his disgusting nasty fingers up..there. I can’t even say it.
That was the night he broke my hymen. WITH HIS FINGERS. I don’t know
why I didn’t resist further. I should have. I could have, but I didn’t.
He kept me down. He held me down. He tried to stick his nasty inside of
me. It didn’t go in all the way.
This is when I started to struggle with if I was a virgin or not. I
didn’t know. I honestly did not want any of this to happen. I would
tell myself and tell myself I would resist, but I never could. Well
anyway, back to the story. We had to cover up why we were late to his
mom so he said let’s go to Steak and Shake..so we did. There was blood
in the backseat of my car..from ME…and I wasn’t on it, it was from him
breaking my hymen. I don’t know how or why I laughed after that. It was
awful. I don’t remember a lot of what I was feeling that night. Part of
me was happy to be wanted, but the other part of me felt so dirty, and
so used.
The day after this date is when the verbal abuse started happening.
I got on the computer the night after that to talk to him and he told
me how horrible I was and how I shouldn’t have done that, and that I
wasn’t a good Christian…I just..took it.Anyway, things got worked out
somehow and he was coming to spend the night in a week. Yay!
We slept in the same bed that night. I promised my mom, and myself
that we wouldn’t do anything, but no, horny boys just can’t resist
picking up my hand and sticking it on his erection. The same stuff
happened that night, except he did something to me, so..gross and so
disgusting I don’t know if I’ll ever be able to fully accept it. He
went down on me. This was when I was resisting and resisting and he
physically held my legs apart so he could do that he wanted to me.
That’s not all he did though. He wanted me to repay the “favor” he gave
to me, so he shoved his penis in my face. I immediately pushed him off.
No way in hell was I sticking that in my mouth. I wasn’t completely
innocent, I tried (and failed I might add) to give him a hand job. I
actually tried quite a few times when we we’re dating, because I felt
like I had to…pay him back. I’m glad I failed all those times though.
The next day we were supposed to go to my church, but we didn’t. I
was so exhausted from the night before. He wouldn’t stop. Even in the
freaking morning he wouldn’t stop. I wanted to take a shower so I could
wash off the “filth” of the night before and he just let himself into
my bathroom and into my shower.
He got mad at me because I was afraid to show my body to him. This
is the thing that makes me so mad. I was ashamed! No way in hell am I
going to show you my body. He continued the verbal abuse of I wasn’t
willing to communicate and it was my fault we did those things the next
two dates. Where I went to his house and stayed the night again…and
again.
Finally one day I got fed up with it, and I was like, if we are
going to have sex, or if sex is going to happen I’d rather be prepared
so I made him buy condoms. Unfortunately he thought that meant I wanted
to have sex that moment. He pulled off into a dark street put it on,
and tried once again to force it in me. It didn’t work. I’m glad it
didn’t..but he stiller forced me down…Disgusting.
This was when I was starting to wise up. I left the day after that
pretty effing furious, but I didn’t show it. I was still as sweet as I
always was to him.This was November, by the way. Two weeks before
Thanksgiving.
Anyway from about then to the beginning of December we didn’t see
each other at all. We only talked on the computer, and through text. He
was so busy, apparently. I remember Thanksgiving night, we had had
Thanksgiving at my house, and I had to work at 430 in the morning the
next day (so is the life of a Starbucks barista) so I had to say
goodnight to my family early, so I could talk to him a bit before I
went to bed. He was..so horrible to me that night. I remember crying
because he was being so awful. I kept telling him I need to go to bed,
because I had to work really early and he would call me a selfish bitch
because I didn’t want to work out whatever problem we were having. I
had enough of it, and called him out. I screamed him. I told him he was
being selfish, because he didn’t seem to comprehend that it was going
on ten and I had to wake up at THREE AM to be at work. He finally
“apologized” and let me go to sleep.
That day was awful at work. I told everyone what had happened and
they all told me I needed to break up with him. I should have listened
to them. This stuff still went on for a month before I finally saw him
again (the last time I would). I was sick of all the bull-crap he put
me through and I told him that if he tried one more time to get me to
have sex with him, or treated me in any way bad or abusive (I didn’t
use that word) I would break up with him and we would be through. We
saw each other one more time after that and the next day we broke
up..but here’s the kicker, it was apparently my fault.
He was being pretty horrible again to me the day after we saw each
other. He was distant and moody and didn’t want to tell me what was
going on. He wanted to take a “break” because our relationship was
going nowhere without God in the middle (huh, who would have thought?!)
and that we can’t keep our hand off each other..Lies, he wouldn’t
listen to me. So he made me buy a book so we could study it together.
This is where it all went downhill, uphill. I told
him about Chad, Chad who I had had a crush on for a very long time.
Chad who treated me with respect and called me silly names and was a
genuinely nice guy. Who wouldn’t have a crush on him?
Apparently that’s adultery. So he broke up with me. I was
devastated, but I got over it..quickly. There was a time in January
when I was literally breaking on the inside. I’m not sure how to
describe the season in my life right after I broke up with Kyle,
because I do not remember it very much. I just know that through
encouragement from my friends, my family, my counselor, one of my work
friends who shared her story of what she went through with a guy that
was the same, that I did get over it, I got over the heartbreak. I felt
better. I started realizing things about Kyle that I hadn’t before. How
he was an abuser..and that if I had stayed with him (he had the gall to
say he would take me back?!) I would have ended up like my mom.
Anyway, this is why I am so passionate about girls, and teaching
them their worth. The only reason I was with Kyle was because I felt my
only worth would come from guys. I thought that they were the key to me
not being lonely anymore. I forgot about God. I never..ever realized
that God could fill me up like that. Only God can make me un-lonely.
Like I said, I really, really wish I could say more about the last
two months, but I don’t remember them that well. I just went through so
many changes. So many good things came out of this bad, awful horrible
experience with Kyle. I now know God did put him in my life for that
breif period for a reason.
I don’t talk to Kyle anymore. I completely removed him from my life
two months ago. I finally couldn’t take him lying to me anymore. He
always lied. About a month after we broke up he dated another girl,
then he and her had a falling out and he started dating ANOTHER GIRL,
and now they are broken up to. I pray to God she did the breaking up so
she wouldn’t have to go through what I did. The self hate for what I
did with him. The feeling of being unworthy of ever being loved. The
feeling of being half empty, and used, and abused, and broken down. I
want so bad for it to have been her.
I noticed that about Kyle, and it sort of makes me feel sorry for
him. He moves from one girl to another one after the other. First it
was his first ex, then it was me, then it was the other girl, and now
it’s that girl. It’s sad really.
I should say. I haven’t forgiven Kyle. I know I need to..but right
now..I don’t know if I can. It’s something I’ve been struggling with
for a while now. I feel like, if I forgive him I’ll have to let him
back into my life, and I don’t want him in my life. I truly believe he
will not change, not matter how many times he’s told me he has, he
won’t. I’m still mad at him. He did some pretty unthinkable things to
me. I pray about it. I want to forgive him, I really do.
Anyway, this is what happened to me. This is why I am. Why I am
constantly trying to build people up and realize they are worth
something without a significant other. God loves you with someone and
he loves you without someone. I hope maybe it offers some encouragement
to people. Maybe it will just give you a little incite into me. This of
course isn’t the whole story. It’s actually rather condensed for how
long it was. There is sooo much more to tell about what happened from
August of 08 to March of 09. Tons and tons, but I don’t want to clog up
your dashboard.
Pray for me, that I’ll be able to forgive Kyle. It’s the one thing
that is holding me back right now from the dating world. I haven’t
completely forgiven my ex. It’s not cool. I need to. It makes me sad
that I haven’t. I’m still mad at him. Please pray.