Real dreamers are a careful bunch. seemingly irresponsible and impetuous, they are the complete opposite. not to be confused with fame seekers, Dreamers aren't "in it to win it". they are here to survive it, long enough to leave a legacy. Some are benevolent, some malevolent.. NONE care about "cash and prizes". Dreamers care about creating, for the sake of creation. nothing more. Thus, they dont bound about through this life carelessly. Avoiding responsibility to anything other than "the goal", is their way. so, until a significant marker toward the dream has been reached...... No family, no kids, no bills, no "normalcy" and it's overbearing requests, are acceptable. We do without. so we can share.  hopefully, we can enjoy some other things later. 4 now......  we do what we do..

these days it's as if I'm piloting a small plane that's lost an engine. Wrestling with the throttle, as it plummets, spinning wildly out of control, contrails whipping about like snapped suspension bridge cables, it's not safe in front, behind, or inside this death trap. i don't eject. i will go down with it.... or save it. we will see......

i'm thinking of my yesterdays again.... almost being transported backward. i can almost sense, feel the same things i did then. preparing for a trip was exiting. at 19 years old, leaving my neighborhood to go across the country, or overseas was........ an amazing feeling. i was the only kid who got fex ex envelopes containing plane tickets. felt good. somehow, it also felt lonely. the walk to the bus stop, transferring to the train, lugging a guitar and a bag, all the while nervous about the long trip to the airport, and maybe missing the plane, leaving my comfort zone to arrive at some unfamiliar destination, making sure my "Walkman" had fresh batteries and i had plenty of spares in my coat, certain that i had a carton of cigarettes because they were sooo expensive everywhere else, feeling free, but also unteathered. i was used to my rope. uncomfortable without it, yet, anxious to escape my boundaries. i wondered if i would prefer the place i was going to, more than the place i was leaving. would i stay? what about my friends? finally, at the airport there was a distracting euphoria. the anticipation, the curiosity took over. the shops, the bars, the strangers, the food, all of the ant farm activity was overwhelming. sitting at the gate and watching the busy tarmac was riveting. with all of these attractions, almost amusement park level stimulation, it was still a lonely place. i could never quite relax, or calm my stomach. two full passports, and thousands of frequent flier miles later..... nothing has changed. i still love to leave. and airports still make me feel special. and uncomfortable.  and i cant wait for my next trip.  

I owe. I really do. In the course of living I have acquired some debts. patience, love, forgiveness, money, diligence, understanding, a1234ss kickings, etc.... I owe. But I didn't ask to be here. The greatest debt...... my soul.  I NEVER ASKED TO BE HERE!  what are your thoughts?......

I have been reprimanded by "stable" people, and embraced by imbalanced folk. Ignored and abandoned, accepted and understood.  My life was a forced "gift". Certainly not a request. What I do with it is my business. Yet, many who don't know what it is to live a moment in my shoes, feel some right to dictate or judge what I do in them. "if ya don't like it, leave it. but shut th f!@#$%k up." I am not demanding to be a criminal, or to be understood.  Only to be loved, or left alone. SIMPLE. My experiences make me very useful to the vast majority of folk. Because I can relate to them. As such, i don't throw stones. I duck em. It is not my calling to preach to the choir. It is my purpose to stand outside the church, and reach out to the broken, damaged, or confused. Give them comfort, and hope. To do so from a level playing field. Not to hover above them, beyond reproach, or  annoy them with arrogance. To get something useful done beyond bathing in the sound of my voice. To listen. Then.... help. My gift is my ability and desire to stand above the glass ceiling, and pull people up. Not to glare at them from a golden throne. I will do my job. I will expect others to do theirs. That is my mission statement.

kids.... kids.  they cant absorb our bs. they try, but cant. so unfair to ask them to. i dont have any human kids, but, i have my dog " Cutie Pie", and she will never have to protect me. i'm the lion at the gate. she's the princess. all 120 lbs of her. i dont know what love is..... but this must be close.    a quiet, and gentle soul told me what love wasn't. and a kid showed me what love was. "from the mouths of babes" indeed. this child had lost her father. he held her above the water, and drowned to keep her alive. my God. thats love. when asked what she'd like, the lil one requested buttterflies, because thats what her dad called her.  love to all of you. and Butterflies.

i am selfish, but not intrusive. i am pushy, but accomidating. i am well read, but cant spell. i am friendly, but a loner. i am soft, but hard as nails. i am angry, and understanding. i am a drunk, and a sober realist. i love simple things, but am driven by complexity. i could pull a buffalo out of a ditch, but cant climb out of a hole. i am everything.... and nothing. i am heralded, praised, and derided. i am the definitive conundrum. i am also happy. i'm good with the mirror. flaws and all.  hope all of you are too. b well.

I can recall every one in my life. Every epiphany. Every milestone. Every defining success..... or failure. Another one presents itself. My reaction will define it once again. It will be what I make of it. I have used this forum to heal myself by venting.. ostensibly. The reality is not so profound. I've been licking my wounds, and whining. Truth. I've been blessed as well as I've been damaged. The resultant effects on my life have been my choice. For years, I decided to be a victim. Even as I crossed finish lines in 1st place, I didn't allow a winner to enjoy victory. Instead, I would revile my own accomplishments. That takes a special kind of stupid. Recognizing that fact about one's self takes a special kind of strength. This is a new day. As if all others before were a continuum of disasters peppered with reprieves. This day can be miraculous if i choose. It doesn't have to be spectacular, it only has to be peaceful. Glorious in it's simplicity. No old sorrows, no old disappointments, no old bruises, and no lofty goals for tomorrow. Only now. Thats all we've got. This moment is more important than any before, or after. I've learned this. This is my turning point. Perhaps yours too.

What an arrogant concept. Who am I to allow anyone else to live their life? What gives me that right? Approval or disapproval, ok. Tolerance.... = arrogance. Example... You tread through miles of shit, I decide to ignore the smell and let you drink from the same fountain I frequent. Benevolent me. Why not ask why you foraged through miles of excrement, how you maintained, what drove you to it, how you can recover? No, I tolerate you. I dont' persevere your difficulties, I dont' bear your crosses, I dont' know your pain, but, in my great wisdom I allow your state of being. I slate myself as your benefactor. What a rancid pile of bs. People dont need to be tolerated, they need to be understood, stopped, or left alone. One tolerates the behavior of pets, children... not adults. Just a brief rant on an often misused word & concept.