Yeah I miss you a lot.

I'd rather not call you cause it hurts.
You'd rather not call cause you've decided to move on.


Having a sprained ankle has opened me up to a different world than I've been living the past year. One at home and not at work. It's nice for a while, I got to finish a few projects I've been working on.

I can't sleep normal hours because my life lacks structure right now cause I'm sitting on my ass waiting for this ankle to heal!

Now we no longer talk, we chat online.

So I haven't written one of these in a while. not that it really matters, cause I think I only get a look or two a week on this since people know I don't write them that often. whatever.

so I've been thinking a lot. I don't like where my life is. I'm consistently bored with life. I live in LA, I should be having a great time right? till a while ago I wanted people around me ALL THE TIME. now I always want to be alone. Ironically I felt I was always alone when I wanted people around and now that I want to be alone, people contact be. that's sucks. I'm listening to The Movies "Secretariat" over and over, good song, great band.
They say you don't find the one you love till you're happy being alone. That shit always pissed me off cause I always wanted to be with people, so I know it would take a long time to find love cause I wasn't happy being alone. Am I yet? no. Am i getting there, probably not.
The hardest thing in life for me, is convincing myself that I'm worth it. Sad I know, but your troubles I would think would be easy to confront because they are not my troubles. and I imagine it would be the same for you as you look at mine. That's just how we look at one another sometimes. "it's snowing outside again" great line. I miss seeing snow. In LA that just doesn't happen.
I'm hoping for motivation, I'm looking for the next inspiration. I'm sinking constantly, that's just not the right way to look at life.

ummm, I feel compelled to write something but I'm not sure where to start. I should be a sleep since I have to be at work at 7am to wait for britney and/or her father and/or their lawyers.  Yes my life as a photographer has extended into another realm I believed it never would and/or I feared it would never come to.  but who's to say what we believe is the right or wrong path to success?  What if this is the direction to achieving my goals?  Then I'd have to believe that any direction I take can lead me to my goals if i want it to, if I make to.  That be said the life I lead is not the one I pictured when I left elementary school or even high school.  yes, yes elementarty school is a stretch but you have dreams and ideas at that time at well and maybe there are just to hangout with your friends all day or play videogames all day like the kiddies like to do now-a-days.  I'm just saying life leads you in multiple directions and never think it's going the wrong way because it only will if you let it. now this would be a good place to stop writing and let you ponder that thought before you go read on to my past blog but I won't stop there.  I'll stop here.

I'm writing, reading and wondering. and there's some waiting involved as well.  I should get started practicing the piano if I really want to record these songs. But i've wasted three hours infront of the computer reading and learning insignificant facts about life and history.  I guess it's better than staying up watching reality television all night right?  My roommate hates it when I watch the news on tv.  I hate it when she watchs reality shows on tv.  She believes it's always just bad things about life and the world.  She'd rather just watch fake shows that are designed to make us think they are real.  I believe her to be just like 95% of the people in our generation.  The old saying still rings true, "Ignorance is bliss!" 
I see apathy like the early morning fog of Januarys of my childhood,  you could only see 100 feet infront of you.  You could see it floating past you, surrounding you, engulfing everything you believed was there. And out of sight is out of mind and I never liked not knowing what was out here before me. Though I did like those foggy day schedules and not having to go to school till around 10:30am instead of 7:45am, getting those extra few hours of sleep meant the world to me.  But all it did was just let me sleep a little longer, delaying the inivitable.  I'm a big fan of sleeping!  Though I never seem to go to sleep at the hours my father thinks I probably should be sleeping.  I wish there were six extra hours in the day where everyone had to sleep, it would be sometype of evolutionary thing and we were just programmed to do it so everyone woke up well rested but could stay up all night and party! 

I was hanging out at the Alexandria Hotel today, for a photo shoot I was working on.  A very old hotel in downtown LA, built in 1907, it served as the hot spot of it's day and early hollywood.  So we were shooting in this room on the 12th floor known as the "Valentino Suite". Why call it that? Well legend has it this room is were the hollywood superstar from the 1920's Rudolph Valentino died. You even have blood stains on the carpet and wall to prove it. I talked to the hotel guy supervising us and he confirmed this, though he said it happened in the 1930"s. I tried to tell him he was wrong, but he didn't believe me. At first I didn't believe that those were the stains from a 80 year old death. Who would do that? and allow film crews to shoot in there every week and say the room's never been altered since his death.  That's such bullshit. I took a look around the joint, a two bedroom with bathroom and closet space and noticed somethings in the bathroom looked a little too new to be 80 years old. and the carpet, yes it looked way old and was disgusting but for it to have clearly visible blood stains on it after 80 years? come on.  So I did a little research tonight and found out it's all a big lie! He didn't die there, he got sick at the Ambassodor Hotel in NEW YORK CITY!! then sent to the hospital there were he later died, in NYC! Yes he is buried in Hollywood, but he didn't die at the Alexandria hotel like everyone that goes there gets told.  Yeah it's a really cool old LA hotel that I'd love to shoot at one day, but why call a room the "Valentine Suite" when all he did there was hang out in the ballrooms with Charlie Chaplin, he probably just stayed in the room one night, big deal.
Those lying bastards.

I had a dream last night my roommate took my shower and put it in the living room, cause she was going to be having a friend staying with us for a while and they were going to need it. Then William Shatner had convinced us Elvis was gay.  Cause his room was too clean, neat and color coordinated to be straight. The funny thing is Elvis said nothing to dispute this, he just sat there and keep reading his book.