That pretty much sums it all up. My head's completely spinning. Clinton Anderson is this amazing horse trainer who has a four year apprenticeship in Texas and it's basically likea college for people who want to train horses. Well one I have to worry about even getting in, because this could be the road to my dream... this would be me truly taking this serious and going for it. But at the same time then I'd have to give up the man I love. I understand a long distance relationship aint happenin. I wish he'd come along but I knew he wasn't gonna say yes to that one. So he wants to date other people while I'm gone but me still come visit and everything? I can't do it. I couldn't be gone and know that while he was still mine in the sense that he said he loved me, that he was with another girl and telling her he cared about her and fucking her and kissing her. I just couldn't do it. It'd make me angry. I'd honestly want to knock her fucking block off if I came home and she was around or was around if I called. Eh! This shit fucking sucks. If I make it in then we will have been together for a year and a half and that won't mean anything because I already know when I leave I'm saying goodbye. In four years he'd find someone that he'd start to love and be thinking about how it was four years till I'd be back and then something'd happen. Ah I want to cry it frustrates me so bad but it doesn't seem like I have any tears left for a while thank goodness. We talked about it last night and I honest to God had to hold back tears that the man I love was so ready to give us up. I mean maybe he believes we'll get back together after four years but four years is a good chunk of time. I'm not going to be the same person when I get back and more than likely he won't be either. People change over time and part of being in love is accepting the change and still loving that person. Over time people change but it seems like they change to just intertwine together. How can we intertwine if we're not together? He'll be intertwining with another girl that he begins to care and I just know it. He hasn't wanted to wait the almost year and a half for me to turn 18 for us to be together. So how do I expect he's going to be there for me when I get home when he didn't want to wait that long, and now we'll have to wait four years? God I honestly love him and don't want to be with any other man but I'm going to lose him and it's killing me. I have another year almost until that happens but it's another year for him to make me love him even more and then I'll leave and he'll be done with me. I'll get a letter or an e - mail or something and I'll find out that I don't have anyone to come home to. *Sorry but coming home back to my parents kind of would suck fuckin balls* This is bull shit. I'm seriously gonna die alone. I always thought I'd be the career woman, where I'd be working with my horses all the time and not have a man because I'd be so focused in my horses that would be absolutely legendary. But why can't I find a happy medium?

Eh well update on the subject. I don't really know what's going on at all right now but we're together so that's enough for me right now. Texas worrying will have to wait until if I actually get in. IF I get in then I can worry about it. IF I get in, and he leaves me while I'm gone well then he obviously didn't give a fuck anyways and I'll be better off without. But either way he's the last. I'm not going to date another man after this because it's too much. If we end I'm going to stick to my horses like I always have before, and honestly yes I was happy with my horses and while I'm not as happy with them as I am with him there's not as much heartbreak involved. Whatever happens I love him and I guess I'll just wait and see on whether or not he really wants this to work. So if we hopefully last until next year and I do get in (which I really do want to I want this dream to come true) then I'll go through my heartache.

§♥§ Love is a temporary madness. It erupts like an earthquake and then subsides. And when it subsides you have to make a decision. You have to work out whether your roots have become so entwined together that it is inconceivable that you should ever part. Because this is what love is. Love is not breathlessness, it is not excitement, it is not the promulgation of promises of eternal passion. That is just being "in love" which any of us can convince ourselves we are. Love itself is what is left over when being in love has burned away, and this is both an art and a fortunate accident. Your mother and I had it, we had roots that grew towards each other underground, and when all the pretty blossom had fallen from our branches we found that we were one tree and not two."

§♥§ Love is composed of a single soul in two bodies.

§♥§ I love you. Not only for what you are, but for who I am when I am with you.

§♥§ Love is that condition in which the happiness of another person is essential to your own.

§♥§ Make me immortal with a kiss.

§♥§ I missed you even more than I could have believed; and I was prepared to miss you a great deal.

§♥§ If you only love me in my dreams, then let me sleep forever.

Ok so that was my rainbow of copied love quotes. Now these are some of the ones I've wrote:

¥ Love is similar to a drug. When it is inside you, the impossible seems like childsplay because you have unlocked the secret to forever.

¥ Oh for but one night of your love I would challenge the world, the heavens, and the universe and be able to perish happily.

I know I'm being sappy but I dare anyone to make fun of me! :-)

♥Time to think is necessary to overcome emotional issues in our life.
♥Example: What if your boyfriend decides to finally tell you that he still is in love with his ex? Interesting. It is in every way enough to drive you insane. I know it's enough to drive me insane. Especially seein as I place so much fucking pressure under finding love and blah blah blah. But I just wanted to remind myself of what I didn't mention in my last little entry:

¤ First of all there is absolutely no doubt in my mind that I love this asshole no matter how horrible things get I always have an insatiable love for him no matter the shit that goes on. Then I can't forget that he has shown me he's cared for me before. It may not be as often as I like but I need to keep in mind that the man I'm in love with doesn't like showing feelings, he likes to be a rock. Then there is the night at Chelseas. Why that does not say everything simply because he WAS sleepy, I still cannot begin to imagine the love I felt at how tender and sweet he was with me. The fact that he HAS let me get away with a lot of shit, and is so annoyed by me, and yet is so attatched to me shouldn't really piss me off as much as it does. It obviously means he must be with me for some reason. And why would he put himself through so much bull shit for something stupid? No. He wouldn't. I don't think he would anyways. And the whole ex thing I know I am getting uber worked up over it when it doesn't need to be but I get paranoid. I'm sure he just didn't like the thing about me on the profile because it was silly or he just wanted no extra on there. I still don't like that they both have the same two songs, about love but I can't change that or expect him to be honest even if they did put those songs up on their profiles to have some way to be connected. Either way I just need to focus on the good, how he can still make me feel loved and special sometimes, and how I don't want to lose him.

 

 

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