you who tried to post a shitty comment...go fuck yourself! you don't know me anymore and from what i hear...i have a hell of alot more going for me right now than you do so don't judge me or my silly ramblings i might post on a day where the mundane drives me bonkers. we aren't friends so stay off my shit.
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sometimes it occurs to me what an inadequate worthless piece of shit i can be...my grandfather is dying...work is stressful and i find it impossible to maintain a relationship...and all this rings a major toll on me where i feel inept and unable to reciprocate much in the way of human emotion....what is wrong with me?

Is it really possible that it's been four months since I've written....four months without an outlet...four months without self expression and every bit of those four months shows in the person I've become but the problem has been brewing for years. Even as I sit here I find myself hesitating to say the things I want most to say...
Who is this person I've become? To some extent, I took my flaws from the past and tried to work them out but somehow I went too far in the other direction that I lost the parts that I actually liked about myself. I've become someone who is tolerant of things I should not be tolerant of and someone who is more likely to say "Yes, dear" rather than "Fuck that!" This change in direction should have afforded me more confidence and the things I thought I wanted out of life but instead I'm less confident than I've been in a very long time...I find myself second guessing decisions that should be routine. If one more person tells me what a nice person I am, I may scream. I am a nice person, I do nice things for everyone in my world but I'm much more than just a nice person. However, as of late I seem to only be known as that nice girl and not for any of the other qualities that I possess.
I'm not happy but the silver lining is the fact that I have a desire to get back to being me minus a few walls, defense mechanisms, and craziness. There are still a few people in my life that make me feel more like myself when I'm around them or talk to them so maybe there's hope for me yet.

where to begin? so much has changed in such a short period of time. things i thought would be are not and things i thought would never somehow are. the time afforded to me brings new clarity with each passing day. so much time spent in the pursuit of someone else's concept of perfection....i could never be what was expected of me and the result was a broken heart. i was what another wanted and through a series of unfortunate events, i can never be that again. heart break, dismay and one of the lowest points in my life are my fashion with these little gleams of light from people and events that save me from the darkness of myself. i am by no means the person i want to be but i've felt a little more like myself lately in the every day minus events that illicit ill mannered behavior and make me feel like everyone who ever said i was crazy was right all along. however, i am not crazy and it's the situation and circumstances that promote the behavior. push the buttons and i'll be damned if you don't get a response. i'm realizing that for my own self-preservation that i have to cut ties. clarity doesn't undo the damage but i cannot go about every day with such hateful words floating in my head and wondering what new ones will finally be the ones that break the camel's back. depression, anxiety and attempts at things i'm not proud of occur and i can't inflict it on myself any longer. i am not what you think i am and i'll never be able to prove that. minds are made up and carrying on in such a manner is a futile battle and i don't want to grow to hate you. i am accepting myself for who i am and things i've done. i am remorseful for the pain i've caused and am learning to forgive the pain imposed on me both emotional and physical. blame CANNOT be squarely placed on my shoulders, i have my flaws and will willingly admit to them and someday people need to do the same. for the thousands of apologies i've given for things in and out of my control, someday i hope for just one apology for the trespasses made against me...

unrequited accompanied with flirations and kind words. songs that hold so many memories from what is a short period of time in the grand scheme of the entirety of life. from that short period of life came so much love and sorrow and what's more are all the lessons learned and the growth that rose like a phoenix from the ashes of another failed attempt.

silly girl who thinks that everyone should be "the one" because once she had a void that had to be filled and futile attempts ensued.

silly woman who thinks that everyone should be "the one" because she's ready to love and lackluster men are all that the eye can see.

why so many memories remembered of the short period of time when years spent with others don't always evoke bountiful memories? could it be that it was the first real heartbreak? the heart has been wounded several times over but perhaps never broken till then.

always nostalgic, there are ties to friends and lovers and wounded and broken hearts everywhere...solace can be found in all of it if put into the correct perspective.

daydreams pursue like the men who contain no substance, intellect, or wit of humor. so many qualities to find that are set in stone of the mind yet it's so easy to require so very little...to accept what is reciprocated when so much more is given.

nightmares of a bitter married woman complaining about the life she chose. bitterness is an inevitability with so much failure and loss. realizations aren't hard to come by, but the reality of them too often stings like the prick of a pin.

the thoughts of him are unending though years have been spent trying to stop them. no point in trying to read anything between the lines as recollections of conversations gone by make the facts abundantly clear. no hopes...no expectations....still the thoughts persist.

hateful words from a person once loved are enough to break a soul in times of stress. con of a relationship is that they are armed with all the fears, insecurities, and knowledge of  how to cut to the core of a being.

over an hour spent to gain insight brings nothing but a few tears and leaves the soul salty like the sea. a complacent life settled into a pattern of defeat...what honest words can't she afford to say?

 these are not encrypted words and deciphering them is easy...intentions and thoughts are made clear and with them the words of others leave unanswered questions and curiousities lingering...what honest words can't he afford to say?

Fantasies of the great many things I want plague my stressful mind. Thoughts of touches yet to be felt...Laughs yet to be had...So much to do and such a limited amount of time. Always the procrastinator, it will surely be right down to the wire before everything is packed. I'm trying to get an apartment which has been quite stressful since none are available before June 6th and I start work on May 19th. That's right....I finally got a job and I got my certification in the mail today. I'm officially out in the real world with the security blanket of school left behind. Constantly a work in progress, I've had a few set backs lately. For once though, I don't seem to be taking the easy road for anything so I guess that's progress. Cutting ties proves to still be a difficulty but I am blessed with having some of the most amazing friends who are a constant support in my endeavors. My dad has finally come around and is now so very proud of me. The rest of my family claims support but have yet to receive so much as a card except from one of my grandma's. I didn't expect money but a card of congratulations would have been nice. Oh well. My life, my choices, my responsibility and no one else really has to approve as long as I'm doing what I feel is best for me. I officially hate packing. I have stuff strewn over two households and deciphering all of it is hard because I've drawn the conclusion that I am a pack rat. I've gotten rid of so much yet there's still soooooooo much left. Oi vey. It'll work out...or at least that's what I have to believe or I would have a nervous breakdown right about now......Just breathe Jennifer....

I found this while packing. I wrote it for my AP English class. We had to redo a Shakespeare scene I think with a deadly sin from Dante's inferno. I got an A+ and she read it to the entire class. I thought it was funny so without further adeux:

To eat, or not to eat, that is the question

Whether 'tis nobler in the mind to suffer

The hunger and want of food delicious and fine

Or to ravage it and eat it all

And by such an action will the mind be satisfied but the body fat. To try, to taste-

No more- and by taste we mean to lift

The knives and forks, and begin the business that may last

Hours, until the last piece of cake and drop of pop has disappeared

'Tis a salute to cooking

That we have hoped for since breakfast.  To try, to taste;

To taste perchance to eat more;

Aye, there's the problem of hundreds of years

For eating brings as much pain as pleasure

When we eat till we can no more,

Must force ourselves to stop.  There's the task

That makes eating so painful.

And which constrains man's mind

For who really wants to end the ecstasy that is food?

Thus we feed our faces

And to that wonderful exercise, there comes a bitter end,

And the dread of the weighing scale in the morning

Plus the insulting conceitedness of the waistline

Is sickening to think of the aerobics that are to come

And how many calories were consumed

'This is the enterprise of great feasts

And to how many sit-ups can right

The amazingly good wrong

With all regard to food we feel it bitter sweetly

And we pray not to gain 10 pounds

Or to suffer the mental torture of the

Unnerving love of the tongue. -Dear body,

Thy fair metabolism

Burn it with all deliberate speed

Let it not expand the hips and butt.  Pray you please,

Forgive the night of feasting.

Random thoughts strewn across paper....torn to pieces because it was a futile attempt at focusing and harnessing the things that I want to say. My brain works much faster than my hand can write and the paper to my overcaffeinated eyes and shaking hands is a blur of scratch and scribble with words missing and thoughts not properly expounded upon...Old habits die hard sometimes and too often I would rather rely on the easiest emotion for me to draw upon to get to the spot where what I want to say is finally said....anger. The problem with this habit is that rarely does a resolution result. Until this habit presents its nasty head, I generally feel miles away from the person that  I once was. Most see the difference and some know me too well to believe that I could be anything other than what I once was....These people also know just what to do or say to send me cascading back into a world that is all too familiar and the fight to get back to a person I can like seems to begin all over again.

I am a hopelessly flawed person yet some of my nearest and dearest tell me such nice things. I still have a general distrust of most compliments but am learning to accept them more graciously even if I don't agree. Beautiful....smart....authentic...sexy...I don't know about any of those. Here's what I do know: I am intelligent, quirky, generally a good person, a listener and advisor, the "mom",  fun to be around,  and average at best. Average looking and a plain name spawned someone with alot of personality and sass. Life experiences and obsessive compulsive tendencies bring forth the quirks. My view of generally being good stems from the fact that I would do anything for the people in my life.

I see myself as having more flaws than perks but I'm a constant work in progress. Patience is not my virtue. When overly stressed, I can lash out at the wrong people. I still have trouble trusting the people I should and too easily trust people that I shouldn't. Low self-esteem. I have a tremendous fear of disappointing everyone so I tend to say yes when I should say no and end up overextending myself and wearing myself down. Anger is still the emotion that I can express the best but I'm learning to step away from the fight and attempt to "use my words." Two people have told me that I get bored in relationships and seek out other company, but I don't see that as a truth so much as an opinion. I tend to not be fulfilled or often feel that I cannot fulfill the wants, needs, or desires of the significant other and I  think that life experiences and my self-esteem play a part. I keep finding the ones that want more than I seem to be able to provide to them. At best, it's disheartening. I want to be loved and appreciated just like everyone else but I always seem to fuck it all up. Maybe I want or expect too much though. I cuss alot...I drink...I smoke...I'm flatulant...I struggle to not be guarded. Most things require a very conscious effort and thought. I have difficulty making a decision. I have difficulty letting go of things and people that evidently I should. I have learned to forgive so many, but the images still haunt me everyday.

This little journey into myself needs to end here before it becomes overwhelming and depressing. I was going to write about all the things that I want to say but instead this blog turned into a self-evaluation. Always a mess....aren't I? Oh well....I'm working on it.

So I was reminded the other day while folding surgical gowns just how OCD I can be....Two squirts of perfume, one on the front and the other on the back over the left shoulder...Four passes of deodorant per armpit...Meticulous cleaning...Candies get sectioned by color and then every group is counted to determine a pattern in which to eat them...Every cigarette is put out the same way, bent and squished...I will pull my hair up a hundred times in order to not have any bumps...A sock goes on a foot followed by the shoe and then the other is done...The dishes are placed into a dishwasher or dish rack in a certain way and I will completely redo it if I notice that it's not that way...Yeah I know, but this is me. Some may call it crazy but in the words of Dave Chapelle, "Calling someone crazy is dismissive. You don't understand someone so you call them crazy."

I got to thinking and what do people with OCD do when they aren't allowed to complete their compulsion? Panic, anxiety, and irrational thinking and behavior because in that moment, we don't have control. Those of us with these obsessive compulsive tendencies are creatures of pattern...we don't like change and when something drastically changes such as losing a friend or lover or any number of things, we panic and flip into an irrational thought process in which we'll do anything to try to rectify the situation so that things don't change and we can feel like there is some semblance of control.

With this theory, I applied that to my past and found an uncomfortable link. In the times where there were drastic changes, I behaved irrationally and once I was out of that state of mind I regretted my thoughts and actions. I'm sorry for the things I've done but I'm not crazy just irrational in that state of mind. You can think I'm crazy but maybe this will help you understand and not dismiss me as such...

i have to write because i feel like the monotony of my day to day life is about to break me...to send me cascading into a world of crazy notions because at least in that world...there's change and hope in my mind. i feel like i'm in that movie groundhog day where every day you try to change it and make it better but in the end its just like any other day. i look back on my life a year ago and it's so far removed from the life i lead now. my world today is monotonous, constraining, and boring. i have some great things in my life but the constrainment of not being able to do what i want to do in the next year is bearing down on me and i just can't take it. i want to scream, or throw something or cry or....i don't know what but i want out of ohio if only for a weekend...i'm going to see my parents in a few weeks but that isn't much of a break from the day to day because as much as i love them and they love me, they are very critical of me and i usually end up coming home feeling like a piece of shit disappointment. i want the life i used to have...i want to graduate already...i want to not be in a fucking holding pattern for the next year...i want a fucking clue about what i'm supposed to do...i know what i want out of my future but a year seems like an impossible amount of time like everything i want can surely fade away in that amount of time...someone break the monotony and break me out of this fucking cycle please!