So I haven't posted anything here in awhile...probably because I haven't had much to talk about. But I have a little ranting to do, so I guess the time has come.

I am currently in Vegas. By now, everyone knows this. I was kind of nervous about coming, probably because I'm here for awhile [I have an open-ended trip, basically when I wanna come home, I come home, so that will probably be sometime in January]. But once I finally got her, I got over it, I was really excited. A big part of the excitement was the fact that I was finally going to see my dad. I haven't seen him in probably almost 3-4 years, so obviously, you can see why I would be happy. I had this whole thing planned, I didn't tell him that I was coming, and I was just gonna be like, "Surprise!! I'm here!!" and it would all turn out really great.

Well....that was the plan.

Not that the trip hasn't been fun so far. It's been great. I'm staying with my aunt, her fiancee and my grandma. I've been having alot of fun, not to mention the weather is great compared to back at home. [Sorry Chicago peeps, I had to say it lol.]

The thing that's getting to me is my dad and his side of the family out here. I've been here almost 3 weeks, and I have seen my dad ONCE. And we were at a casino, not exactly the best place to spend alot of time together. Obviously, because of his work schedule, we can't get together during the week. [He works at 2 am]. But really, ONE time? And I've only talked to him on the phone like, 3-4 times.

Then I got together with my grandma and my aunt from out here [My dad's mom and sister] and we hung out for maybe 3 hours one day. I just don't really understand! It's like no one really wants to spend time together. It's just starting to bug me.

I was actually looking forward to X-mas this year, [which I never really do, I'm not a big fan] because I honestly can't remember the last time I spent it with my dad and now it's just like I've done a total 180. Considering the way things have been going, I'm not looking forward to it.

I know I shouldn't be complaining. I'm in Vegas. But this personal stuff is just weighing me down and is making me feel a little bitter. Maybe I sound a little selfish, but whatever. I can't help the way I feel, and I don't feel like I'm in the wrong at all.

Considering I haven't blogged in awhile, I figured, hey...why not?

So I had an interesting weekend. I won't be going into too many details, because I never really do, do I? So why would I start now? Plus I don't want to drag it on and be some long boring story, because it's not worth going on and on about, I just wanna get the facts out, plain and simple.

There was some drama. Because why wouldn't there be? Like I've said before in probably 9 out of every 10 blogs I do (because some of them are lyrics and whatnot), I talk about how much I HATE DRAMA. Because I do. I mean, who doesn't? It's old news.

But I'm getting off-track. So. What happened. All it really boils down to is mixing alcohol, some awkward conversation, and a reaction to said conversation. I mean, honestly, hasn't everyone been in some kind of episode where you REALLY don't know how to react to something, and you just react out of pure shock? I mean, you can just hear something and cry, laugh, or simply just be completely taken aback, simply because you have no idea what to do or say? That's basically what it was. And apparently, it was interpreted wrong, and that ended up coming back to bite me, which SUCKED.

I'm an honest person. I can be pretty blunt and sarcastic sometimes, but I'm not MEAN. I try not to bullshit people, and I'm just myself. I don't go around trying to hurt people's feelings, that is the LAST thing I do, I would consider myself an extremely nice person. But sometimes it's hard for me to  remember to watch what I say or how I say things to people. It doesn't seem fair all the time to have to change how you act or how you are to appease other people, that's all. Am I wrong?

I mean, everything got resolved in the end, but the end results were pretty messy, and I ended up getting VERY overly-emotional, and I am still hating the fact that I did that. When I thought about how I reacted the next day, I was horribly embarrassed, and to this day, I still am. I mean, I know we all get emotional sometimes, but I just went way overboard and I didn't need to, and I just feel stupid. I am not an overly-emotional person AT ALL, I usually have very good control on my emotions, (maybe too much control, but that's another story) so this reaction totally took me aback, and I'm just dwelling on it and basically kicking my own ass.

I don't know. I shouldn't be over-thinking it as much as I am, but I am. I can't help it, and I'm hoping to be over it soon, I just wish I hadn't reacted that way.

I do know that we can't and shouldn't sit and dwell upon the stupid shit we've done in life, then there would be no time to live, because everyone fucks shit up sometimes. I'm just trying to tell myself that this too, will pass.

*In This Moment*

I was never good enough
I listened to their lies
I crucified myself
I always, but now I realize
That I’m the only one
Who can mend my ways
How did I come so far
My everlasting flame, my dying star
I was my own worst enemy
I was blinded by my shame
A hopeless masquerade
Never ending
The guilty down inside
Was a blessing in disguise to mend my ways
How did I come so far
My everlasting flame, my dying star
I can mend my ways
Now, I’m flying, hanging on the wind
Following the night
And ride
Leave gravity behind
Following the light
Finally I can breathe
I
I bury all my doubts
I’ve learned to live without
The fear of endless scars
In this star
I can mend my ways
How did I come so far
My everlasting flame, my dying star
I can mend my ways
How did I come so far
My everlasting flame, my dying star
My dying star

Man...this has just been one fuck of a week. It's not like it's filled with too much drama or anything, but I've just been like, super irritable since last weekend. It's not like it's continuous rage 24/7, but it's more like the slightest off-comment or remark will just set me off and get me frustrated as hell.

I mean, at first, I blamed it on....well. Yeah. But I don't know, it's just still going on and on. I've just been really short with people, and I don't really know why. I've also been kind of bitchy and catty a couple times too, which is weird. Ok, yes, I have my bitch moments, (who doesn't??) but there were just a few that came to mind this week that were just kind of off-character to me. It's like when people say someone has a short fuse. Normally, I'm not too bad. I'm a pretty chill person. But it just seems like the fuse has gotten drastically shorter over the past few days.

Yes, normally I am a very defensive person. I have reason to be. But for the past few days, it seems like I've been even more so. If someone questions or doubts something I say, I just want to snap. It's like, "What? Is my word not good enough for you? I told you everything I know, why isn't that enough??"

I don't know what this is all really about. I'm just hoping that it passes. So I'm just trying to keep quiet, keep to myself, and listen to some angry, heavy music to try and counteract it.

(I tried the chill music, but that really helps mostly when I'm trying to sleep, so I figured I'd try a different approach.)

Ok, everyone that knows me, knows that my friends are some of THE most important people to my in my life. If you don’t know me, ask anyone, and they’ll tell you as such. So when one of my friends is hurting, I’m feeling that pain too. I don’t like it. And obviously, if they need me, I’m going to be there of course.

 

But what do you do when someone can stop all the drama and get themselves out of the situation, and they don’t? It’s the same old story, time and time again. It’s a vicious cycle. But it can be SOLVED, that’s the thing. Sometimes people just need to face the reality that they’re not happy, things aren’t working out, and maybe it’s time to call it a day. When you know you’re at that point, what’s it going to take to finally say, “I’m done”? And how long can you sit there and watch them just keep going around in circles? It’s not my place to interfere and tell them what to do, but it’s hard not to.

 

Relationships take work, I get that, you don’t have to be a genius to figure that out. Now granted, I’m no expert on dating or relationships, but I know that this just isn’t right. Like I said before, sometimes you just have to realize that you have to face the facts and know that things aren’t going the way you thought they would. You just have to realize that this isn’t right, you deserve so much better.

 

There’s only so much I can take though. I’m starting to stress out over this. I don’t know what’s going on, and this isn’t the first time it’s happened. If it happens once or twice, fine. Shit happens, people argue. But once it starts to happen three, four times? How do you not get that something is obviously wrong here? I want to be there, I listen, and offer advice, but it just seems that it gets forgotten later on.

 

I don’t know. I’m just not really sure what to say or where to go from that.

 

“The truth hurts, but denial’s what will kill you”-August Burns Red

So my last entry in here was a little grim, and I haven't updated since then, I guess I should get around to that.

As per expected (and AS usual), the cats were fine. I know that sometimes I overreact about them, but you know what, my pets are as important as people to me. I mean, I know there's people out there who get that. I don't have (or want) kids, so they're the closest thing to that that I have lol. They are my babies, and if you think I'm a little over-dramatic about that well...you can fuck off LOL.

We got the plumbing situation taken care of. Well, most of it. We had some plumbers come to the house on Saturday and they cleared out a bunch of tree roots that had been growing into our pipes. (That happened when we first moved into the house) So now we can shower and use the bathroom here at the house. THANK FUCK!!! But the only issue now is that the sink in the kitchen and downstairs bathroom (for some reason) back up still. Can't win 'em all right? So we're gonna get some drain-o or something...see how that goes.

The whole weekend overall was...I don't know really how to word it. There was ALOT of drama and arguing going on over the weekend. I don't really want to go into all the details here, but it was just...not good. I found out quite a few things, and then there's still things that I don't know all the details of. And honestly, to me, that's the most unsettling part of it all. I don't really like NOT knowing what's going on. It makes me anxious.

I started to feel a little down on myself when I heard a couple people agree with certain things said about me. I mean, when someone tells you something negative about you (that you don't agree with) it's bad enough. But then when other people are like, "Yeah, I can see the point there" or "I agree" it's like, "...Woa". It's hard to hear that.

I didn't really doubt myself, because if anyone knows me, it's me. I know what kind of person I am. But I will say this, when people agree with that and say things, it makes you wonder if that's really how people see you. It's like, "Do I REALLY come off like that?" It's not the easiest pill to swallow, especially when that's NOT the kind of person you are.

Luckily, I talked to some other people who disagreed, and reassured me that that was NOT how I appear, which made me feel better about myself. You know who you are, I really appreciate it, and I really do thank you, it made me feel ALOT better.

So now here we are, almost a week later. There hasn't been as much drama, I still feel a LITTLE uneasy about things, but it's not as bad as before. I'm sure things will all cool down eventually, it just takes time. I'm trying to stay positive about it...I really am.

Ok, this isn't going to be one of my longer blogs, cuz I'm on a laptop that I think is going to die.
So, we've been having problems with the plumbing in our house. The downstairs bathroom (toilet and sink) keep getting backed up, same with the kitchen sink. Pretty sucky right? Definitely. And I found out today (well, technically yesterday) that our landlord is out of town til' Sunday night, and can't do much about it. Even worse.
So. My brother was messing with the toilet, and then a TON of disgusting water came up and totally flooded the bathroom. I'm talking like, 2-3 inches of water. So when we finally cleaned it all up, we realized that the bathroom smelled like rotten eggs...gross.
And I looked it up, and apparently, that smell is SEWER GAS. Which is, (obviously!!) not good!! Long story short, we packed up, and are spending the night at my mom's friend's house, which leads to me being on a dying laptop.
I'm totally freaked out about this. I'm even more freaked out because we had to leave the cats at home. We have them shut upstairs in my mom's room (with all their food, water and stuff) and the window is open, and the door is shut. I'm sure I'm overreacting like usual, I just can't help being worried about them. Plus I just feel bad that they're locked up in there.
So...yeah. I don't know what the point of this was. I just needed to rant. And I'm freaked out and just so sad about this. I just want shit in my house to WORK, I want to know that my cats are ok, and I want to sleep in my own bed and not a couch.
This sucks. :(