There's nobody here...playing the songs.
  There's nobody here...to get along.

So I say to myself...as I put on my shoes
  Oh darling...you got the Myspace blues

Oh yeah, the Myspace blues
Oh yeah, we got the Myspace blues...

That dang old facebook took my friends away
That dang old facebook left nothing to say

Except, oh yeah, we got the Myspace blues..

Here is an article I wrote on transgender history for the Dallas Voice.

Trans-cending time

Enjoy!
Renee

A long overdue poem...missing my grandparents...wish they were here.

....................

Loss is unavoidable

   And we almost
ignore it when it comes

But it is there

   Beneath the must,
until

One day

   When we run out of
have to

 We honor through our
tears

   The ones we have
loved

And its strength of coming

   Speaks of how much
we loved them

And until we cry no more, and just enough

  We birth ourselves
anew and

      Let go the must

         Hoping next
time, to make it matter more

.. ..

Goodbye my grandparents

  It seems sad you are
not here

     At a time it
would mean so much

       Bless you and
know I cried for you all

Well, I seem to have discovered that I have Celiac disease.  I have given up wheat for over a week now and I'm amazed how much better my stomach feels.  Who would have thought that the chewy breads I thought were so good for me were hurting me.  That is another hint to me that there is just no end to growth and figuring it all out.  Celiac is a sensitivity to wheat gluten, the sticky stuff in bread.  About 2 out of 100 people have it and it causes small intestine problems and malnutrition.  I was always hungry and had raw stomach, but didn't know the cause or that I really had it.  It is only recently that I discovered what it really means to be not hungry.  I was always hungry.  Now, my stomach is not achy and sore.  I had a feeling of hunger, but food never satisfied.  I hope that by giving up the wheat that I lose some weight.  I wonder how many more people have this than know about it.  It is a good reminder to look to the animal world or our own prehistorical world on what is natural to eat and what is not...

Yesterday, I had a migraine and today I am on the road to recovery.

It definitely took me off guard and Wendi had never seen me like this either, so she was quite surprised.

I can't remember the last time I had a migraine, but it has been years. I remember them too well. I was in bed for 18 hours, trying not to hurl most of the time.

I think stress of course is a factor. I have had many projects all coming to deadline this week, and I suppose I was not able to cope as well as usual. It is another lesson for me to grow through so many happenings, to let go once again into the River. Even hours of meditation was not enough, nor massage.

So, I think too it is physical and I've pondered the happenings so as to avoid it in the future. Here is my list of potentials...

* Not enough sunshine, indoors too much as of late
* My contacts were in too long and my eyes were very sore from it
* Not enough water, dehydration
* Not enough caffeine. I had been noticing my caffeine intake was up, so I was cutting back.
* The A/C broke and the indoor temp was in the 90's.
* Out of decongestant. I take Claritin-D and was all out, so didn't take any.
* Forgot my blood pressure meds. I have always had high blood pressure, or just above normal, and forgot to take it two days before.

I think my biggest issue surrounds my sleep and breathing. If I could breathe better, I would sleep better and my blood pressure would be less. I'm still trying to figure this one out. How to overcome allergies is yet a mystery to me - we are hit with so much mold and mildew, how do we cope.

Anyway, thoughts for the day...glad to be feeling better.

Life is a continual challenge. Always some new growth step.

Remember to rock and roll, or lock and load, or something like that! :)
Renee

Passing is another aspect of the ego.

Passing is indicative of how we discriminate in our culture.

Passing is how well trans people conform to our belief in the ideal man or woman.

Trans people probably more than any other group are close observers of gender.

We feel frustrated that we have roles, yet wish to change our role nonetheless.

And when we do, we are again judged on how well we do that role. It comes usually in the form of how well I "do woman". I am congratulated if I speak more feminine, have more feminine gestures and so on.

People don't even notice they do it. They think they are complimenting me, and I appreciate the intention, but the upside is that it is judgmental. It sets some standard that I am supposed to meet.

I just step aside and say thank you and smile. People have a lot to learn about gender and forced gender roles.

It is sad, because most of us would not choose to limit ourselves into a role.

It is saddest for our children, because we do not accept them if they break the rules, yet they do nothing wrong.

We do it out of fear, yet say it is out of love.

If only we could allow each other to simply be, then we too, could simply be.

Renee

Dear Universe
It is a time for another spring break.
Thank you,
Renee

Love
Gratitude
Breath
Soul
Sherbert
Sunshine
Spinach
Imagination
Flourish
Poetry

Given these 10, create a poem.


My breath
receives gratitude
deep to my soul
Like orange sherbert
melting in the sunshine
now sticky and smiley on my h ands
I call to You
knowing Your imagination
Will flourish
like spinach drops
unheard of
Even on
a night of sticky poetry
a night of smiley poetry
I call to You
for such a silly imagination
while I sit here waiting for toenails to dry

It is not everyday you get to meet a Hollywood celebrity. Meeting Mike Farrell was HUGE for me. I'm embarrassed to say I even peed my pants, guh.

Mike was giving a talk at the Barnes and Noble bookstore in Sioux Falls, SD. My brother and his family live here and we were all having coffee and danish at the coffee shop. As we walked out, we noticed Mike was going to be talking that night at 7:00 p.m..

So, my brother Phil and I came back to the bookstore around 6:30 p.m. I got a tall latte at the coffee shop, my mistake, and we waited for Mike to arrive. 10 minutes early he arrives. Not one to be shy, I started clapping and then everyone else started up too. He smiled and said "Hello" thinking it was as funny for him to be there as it was for us, laughing at the whole celebrity thing.

Mike uses his celebrity to further liberal causes. His focus seems to be in abolishing the death penalty, which I think is awesome. I can't see the sense of brutally killing someone and taking the high road at the same time.

He was even asked what he thought of the new gay marriage ruling in California. He loved it, thought we should honor all people and their choices as to who they love. Loved that!

Anyway, it was a choice evening to remember.

I couldn't think of a gift to give my dad, and it became obvious to give dad a signed copy of Mike's new book. He was gracious with many words "Happy Birthday Phil! Thank you for serving. Be Proud! Mike Farrell, June 02,, 2009" A lot of words for somebody to sign given the long line of attendees.

After it was over. I realized I had to change my pants. I got excited. It is one of the challenges of being a girl I guess - but so worth it.

Smiling!
Renee

As I sit Zazen in my chair, unwinding from left to right, then right to left, I feel a kink, wanting to hold on, never releasing. It is manifested in my left side, but its origin goes deep into my mind someplace, a place where ego still dwells.

It is a reminder for me to be more grateful, to be thankful for what I have in life now. I sometimes look ahead too much, planning for tomorrow. I have to regularly remind myself to sit still and meditate on shalom.

Shalom is both the sound of creativity and the sound of gratitude. "Sha" has the sound "ah" as in God. It is the source for our inspiration. Without the Source, there would be no life, no creative forces. One meditates on "Ahhh" when one wants to enter the zone of inspiration.

And at the end of the project or end of the day, we should be thankful for all we have created, we should meditate on "om".

And if what was created did not fulfill my expectation, then it is my expectation that needs to go. It is my expectation that holds my body tight, not releasing. It is my expectation causing a kink in my flow.

It is time to release my kink and remember to live in the creative flow once again given to me, that it is not just me that creates, that it is the Universe that helps me to create what is needed to bring joy and healing to the world, including to me.


Oh Great Spirit,
Carry me in Your Wind
Let me Release Unto You
so I may release inside me

Oh Great Spirit
Let me create alongside You
Bringing Joy back to Me
Brining Light to the world

Oh Great Spirit
I give Thanks to You
For the Peace You Bring
When I slow down and receive

Oh Great Spirit
I give Thanks to You
For All we have created
For All we have yet to create

Namaste',
Renee