Another Talking Dog Joke

J.Brent©2005

So this old man walks into a bar with his speaking-eye dog. Behind the bar is this hot buxom blonde. She says "What can I do for you?"

The old man whines [dog voice] "har, har, har" and the bartender says "What the hell is that supposed to mean?"

The dog puts his paws up on the bar and says: "Master said he'd like a beer, and could I have one too, please"

The chick goes "Oh god! Not another lame-ass talking dog joke! (pause)
Now get your filthy paws off my bar right now! Old man, I don't know what you're trying to pull here with your bogus ventriloquist act, but I ain't buying it!"

The old man turns to the dog and barks "ruff, ruff, ruff". The dog says "Master said he's very thirsty and I am too, please."

She says "Get the hell out of here before I call the cops. Both of you! Get out! Out! OUT!

As they walk through the door, the man turns to the dog and growls "grrr-grrr-grrr". Suddenly, like a shot, the dog goes (act) zooming back through the door, races across the barroom floor, leaps over the counter top, knocks over the blonde bartender, rips off her panties with his teeth and begins humping her furiously.

The girl screams "What the hell is going on?!?" The dog [panting] says "Master said 'Fuck that bitch!'".

7

I'm really not interested in casual sex, 
I like it nice and ENERGETIC!


7(c)84

7

THE BEAT

J.Brent©1987

Nowadays there's a lot of talk about bisexuals, homosexuals and heterosexuals, but I've never read or heard anything about my own sexuality which is why I've decided to bring this out into the open once and for all.

I am an Autosexual, which means: By preference, I only have sex with myself. I'm certain that down through the ages Autosexuals have disguised their orientation behind the veils of false timidity, feigned impotence, faked frigidity and the like. Must we hide forever?

I'm not interested in starting a worldwide liberation organization (Autosexuality by its very nature precludes the idea of "clubs"), but I do look forward to a day when I can walk down the street, holding my hand, carrying on a lively conversation with myself, and not have people stare at me or think that I'm "odd".

Of course many people go through Autosexual phases at some point in their lives and although they would never dare admit it to even their closest friends, I'll bet that a lot of them even enjoy their autosexual "encounters".

While I'm not a virgin, I realized very early on that even the best of sex with others somehow always left something to be desired.

Once I was seduced by a woman. I guess I had a little too much to drink and, well, it all happened so fast. It seemed nice enough at the time, but afterwards I became so angry and ashamed at this betrayal that I couldn't look myself in the eye or speak to myself for months! How could I live with myself after that? I felt like throwing myself right out of the apartment! (But then I quickly remembered that I lived on the 17th floor!)

Over time the pain and the regret subsided, and now all is forgiven. But I had to promise never to let anything like that ever happen again! "To thine own self be true".

Yes, once again I can look myself in the mirror and honestly say, "I'll never leave you for as long as I live. I won't ever lie to you again. After all, my love, where would I be without you?"

This might appear narcissistic or vain, but it's simply that I have a healthy respect for my own best interests, an intimate understanding of my inner feelings and I know instinctively how to best administer to my deepest emotional needs.

Having finally found the perfect person to spend my life with does not always mean that it's a bed of roses. In fact, sometimes I have arguments with myself that can reach quite embarrassing proportions in public! Well, we all have our little tiffs from time to time, don't we?

Imagination and the ability to enjoy oneself are the keys to any successful relationship, and mine is no exception. I must admit, I feel very good about myself! (Jacksonesque goolie squeeze) Mmmm, Oooh!

The above could imply to you that I'm a lonely person. This is just simply not true! I have a full and varied social life with many interesting friends.

From time to time close friends confide in me about their problems with spouses or lovers, and whenever I'm confronted by the details of their unhappy sex lives, I always offer them recourse to my path to fulfillment by frankly reciting the autosexuals' motto (otherwise known as "The Auto Motto"): "Go fuck yourself!".

7

Aug 12, 2006 3:19 PM 

faux pas 

OK, be honest girls. With an former lover, how many of you have ever faked an orgasm? (95 percent of the hands go up) 

And guys, how many of you have ever faked it? (One hand goes up, everybody's staring at him astounded) ''Like WHY would a guy ever fake an orgasm???'' they're asking each other.

Good question. Women fake orgasms for different reasons. One is to bolster their man's ego. 

So, these guys are hanging out at the bar drinking and the first guy says ''Man, I gave my wife two fake orgasms last night'' pumping up his chest. 

The second guy goes, ''Hell, that's nothing. MY GAL had multiple fake orgasms last night until 3 o'clock in the morning." (mimic female orgasm LOUDLY) "Kept the neighbors up half the night. I guess I still got that old magic touch, eh'' (as he hitches up his trousers and struts away)

And ladies, WHAT IS UP WITH ALL THAT NOISE? (orgasm groans ''Oh Seven!'' ''Oh Seven!'') Does every single person in a fifty mile radius really HAVE TO KNOW I'M HUMPING HER LIKE HELL? 

And if you're just faking it, couldn't you do it a little quieter? 

AND WITHOUT repeatedly screaming my fucking name? (hold forehead and shake head) 

I've always been jealous women's ability to have multiple orgasms, (infomercial salesman voice) but now folks, I have discovered how men can have mutliple orgasms too: EXACTLY THE SAME WAY WOMEN DO! (pause)
 

YOU FAKE IT! 

(fake multiple orgasms) Oh, oh oh oh I'm going, oh oh oh oh here I go again! OMG! ANOTHER ONE IS CUMMING. (afterglow panting) ''Easy, huh?'' 

Another reason that women fake orgasms, is to prove their love to their man. It's like it's my birthday right? And I get this beautifully packaged box with ribbons all over it and then I unwrap it and guess what's inside? A FAKE ORGASM!   

(sarcastically) ''Thanks for the wonderful gift, darling! It's just what I needed! How could you have known that was exactly what I wanted?''

Wouldn't it to better to just be honest about it? Just let your partner know that you're faking the orgasm out of pure unconditional love? 

(mimic female orgasm) Oh, I'm just about to fake itI Ohhh, I'm gonna fake it. Oh, oh oh'' 

And just then the guy chimes in (low manly voice), ''Oh baby, I'm faking too. C'mon, let's fake together, girl!'' 

And the woman is screaming ''Oh, fake me, fake me hard, fake me harder HARDER!!!!!!!

7(c)06

* * * * * * *

7

Jul 28, 2006 10:16 AM

Auntie's Advice - ''Sax and Violins''

Dear Auntie,

I met Viola at a barre called the "Transversal Flute". She gave me the Vibes immediately. I decided to Piccolo priced hotel nearby for us.

Even before the door shut, she whispered, "I want Sax". Then she began to Fiddle with my Tubaaah..

But when I reached for her, I felt a Trombone!

I went Bongos and screamed "Euphonium!"

I'm not prone to Violins, and I don't want to Harp on the subject either. But I Bass my reaction on misrepresentation. Should I have allowed Viola to play the Mouth Organ?

Tom-Tom

~

Dearest TT,

Of course not! How could you ever trust a Lyre?

7(c)04

* * * * * * *

Aug 11, 2006 12:53 PM

Auntie's Advice: ''pianissimo''

Dear Auntie,

My accompanist Peter Paul is a giant in the biz. He's my all man joy and I get mounds of pleasure when I duet with him. We've been playing with each other ever since our college days at Folk U.

Recently a very famous pianist has been hanging out and nosing around our private parties. He likes to be referred to as Richard, but I call him "Little Dicky".

Peter Paul has been on me to fit him in, he says he'd love to play with another member. A threesome might be nice, but I get the feeling that Dicky wants to come between us.

Should we go ahead as a trio, or just duet?

Mary

~

Dearest Mary,

As a Virgo you have a certain innocence that prevents you from seeing the darker side of people.

I hate to be the bearer of bad news, but Auntie has heard of this Richard Little and by all accounts he is "tutti frutti".

I became so concerned with your welfare that I hired a private dick to tail them from behind. This candid photograph taken by my privates investigator shows what "Little Dicky" has been up to. Here you see him hard at work.

He has obviously already entered into a standing engagement with Peter Paul and you have been left out of the picture completely.

7(c)04

* * * * * * *

Aug 20, 2006 12:58 PM

Auntie's Advice: "Wanda B."

Dear Auntie,

I'm an intermediate level keyboard player. For several months I've been playing with my boyfriend's organ. But it's pitifully small and I wasn't really feeling satisfied with it.

I talked to my pastor about this and he suggested that I drop by the church after school.

When I arrived, the first thing he asked was if I wanted to see his pianist. The next thing you know he was right there in front of my face and I was so excited I gave him a kiss on the head and a big squeeze.

I couldn't believe the size of his organ, and when I sat on it I could feel the power of the massive instrument pulsating inside me. But it got harder, so hard in fact that I faltered.

To help me out, he began fingering my passage for me, delicately yet deliberately. The lick slowly at first, then just a little faster for the right feel. I felt overwhelmed with joy.

For weeks now he's made me come again and again.

Here's my question:
Even with all that, I still seem to get stuck in the same places all the time, do you think I should I keep coming?

Wanda B.

~

Dearest Wanda,

As far as getting stuck in the same places is concerned, remember that you can go as far as you want to in the end.

Regarding continuing: You know what the pianist is there for and you obviously enjoy playing with his organ, so why stop?

Now Auntie has a request for YOU. Lately, she has been feeling the need for a large organ as well. Perhaps you could send me a photo.

Auntie

~

Dear Auntie,

Thank you so much for your wise counsel! Here's a photo of the pastor's large organ.

Wanda B.

~

Dearest Wanda,

You're right, that IS a big one! I'd love to have an organ that size to put in my back room.

And honey child, next time you go to church, you give that pastor's pianist a big smooch from your dear old Auntie.

7(c)04

* * * * * * *

Sep 1, 2006 12:31 AM

Auntie's Column: ''M&M''

Greetings,

I am the widow Nomobuti Mofoku, last surviving wife of the late public servant Dr Kismas Mofoku.

You do not know me personally but because of your impeccable references and the high recommendations from a mutual friend (for discretion's sake I cannot mention any names - but you know who I mean) I have been directed to contact you regarding a matter of great importance that will surely benefit us both.

I trust that you will hold the following matter in strictest confidence, as you are a respectable and honourable person like myself.

My husband, Dr Kismas Eubitsh Mofoku, was a very intelligent and gentle man. During his tenure as Minister of the Interior of our country (for discretion's sake I cannot mention which country - but you know the one I mean), he was able to embezzle thirty-five million dollars from the poverty stricken populace and spirit it into a secret Swiss bank account.

Due to the recent turmoil here, I have been unable to secure these funds. Bureaucratic red tape obliges me to engage an outside coordinator in order to conduct a smooth and legal transfer of these monies which are rightfully mine and my children's.

I will transfer these thirty-five million dollars to your bank account without contract, if that is agreeable to you. Take only what you need.

Benevolent and caring person that you certainly are, I know you will make sure that my humble family is taken care of.

Please help us now. I beg of you. Do not wait!

Minutes after you supply me with the following information, I will effect the deposit of thirty-five million dollars into your account. All I need is your name, address, mother's maiden name and bank account with your personal identification number.

Do it now! Generosity without hesitation is the mark of a truly noble soul.

Sincerely,


Mrs Nomobuti Mofoku

PS: This is a chain letter. In order to keep the chain intact, you must send this email to three of your richest friends. But Be Warned: If you break the chain, something bad might maybe happen to you some day.

~

Dearest MNM,

Auntie is always helpful to those in need. Here is the information you requested:

Name: Lalie Hecaud

Address: 2220 Washington, LA 70112

Mother's maiden name: Hsimnoh

Bank account number: X!P 90P xns W3N!W3

PIN: 773H209

In order to keep the chain intact, I sent this email to three of my richest friends (for discretion's sake I cannot mention any names - but you know who I mean).


Auntie

7(c)04

* * * * * * *

07 Sep 2006 10:27 PM

Auntie's Column: ''Co-Ed Facility''

Dear Auntie,

Where I work there is only one restroom for both the men and women.

The men always leave the toilet seat in the upright position, no matter how much us girls ask them not to.

We've tried to be nice about this, and have even posted signs in there letting the boys know how much it would mean to us if they would just put the seat down after they've finished.

Maybe they would listen to you. You're a very well respected lady. Maybe if we put up a copy of your response on the wall they would finally change their ways.

Missy PC

~

Dearest Ms Pissy,

I think that all would agree that there are few situations more unpleasant than finding oneself perched upon a soggy toilet seat.

In a mixed restroom at a place of business, there is only one position for the seat to be in, and that is the upright position. If the seat is left in the down(wrong) position, any number of "accidents" might occur. Consider the following profiles:

The GottaGoRIGHTNOW!
This individual has no concern other than insuring that his own clothing remains dry. If the seat is in the down position, there is literally no time for him to lift the seat into the up(right) position.

Considering the individual's frantic state of mind at that moment, the liquid in question is certain to be found, at least in part, on the lowered seat.

The Expert Marksman
This person is so sure of his shooting skills that he finds the seat in the down position to be a worthy challenge to his sportsmanship. Not only will he NOT move the seat into the upright position, he will most certainly leave it there to once again prove to himself that his aim is true.

The Apathetic Man
This is someone who cares not for the health and well-being of others, thinking only that as long as HE doesn't have to sit on it, somebody else can clean it up.

The Sadist
People like this will go out of their way to make others' lives as uncomfortable as possible. This type of malicious individual will actually lower the seat into the down position in order to soil the sanctity of the seat to delight in the discomfort of others.


To avoid the above situations, the correct position for the toilet seat to be in 99.99% of the time is the up(RIGHT) position, and should only be lowered to the down(WRONG) position when absolutely necessary, then immediately returned to the upright position as soon as the business has been conducted.

You have my permission post a copy of the above on your restroom wall.



Auntie

* * * * * * *

15 Sep 2006 4:05 PM

Auntie's Advice: ''Souvenirs''

Dear Auntie,

My girlfriend has it all. Talent, beauty, brains. She's been all over
the world, everywhere she goes she brings back something with her.

Her birthday is coming up and maybe you can help me. What do you give a girl who's got everything?

Doc

~

Dearest Doc,

If penicillin doesn't work, have a blood test done.



Auntie

* * * * * * *

7

Lil Dick

J.Brent©2003

I've got a really really really small dick.

(sung) "I've got an itsy bitsy teenie weenie"

You might laugh, but there are lots of advantages to having a really really really small dick.

- You can skinny-dip and not have to worry about shrinkage.

- No chance of breaking a condom.

- Nobody will ever find out if you're impotent.

- Deep throat EVERY time!

- And if you miss her mouth, you can fuck her nostril! It gives a whole new meaning to to the term "NOSE JOB".

- Hey, you'll never be another John Wayne Bobbit

So like I'm on the Jerry Springer show and there's my wife AND my girlfriend.

My wife grabs the mic "Bitch! There's just one thing I wanna know! Has my old man been fucking you?"

My girfriend says "Gee, I'm not really sure."

So I like dress up like a Dyke and go downtown to pick up a lesbian. I step into this lesbo bar and they spot me immediately. This big old bull bouncer starts moving my way and I'm thinking to myself "She don't look so tough, I could lick 'er."

The best place to pick up lesbians is at a Sushi bar. You don't ask "Hey, Baby, can I buy you a drink?" You say "Give the lady another BIG plate of that RAAAAW sushi fish." Mmmm, Mmmm, Mmmmm.

(sung) "If you knew sushi, like I knew sushi, oh oh oh"

So me and the lezzie are just about to get it on. But suddenly she starts to get wise "Hey, wait a minute!"

I say (Drag queen voice) "Oh honey, don't hold it against me cause I'm flat-chested and a little hairy." (regular voice) "But you ever seen a clit like that?" (little finger at crotch - shake 3 times)

I see a lot of you guys brought your ladies here tonight to the show. That's a mighty BIG gesture.

Guys with little dicks got to prove they're better than everybody else. They got to have a lump in their levis bigger than everybody elses. You know what I'm talking about. I'm talking about the wallet. A BIG wallet. Full of platinum cards and lots of spending cash.

When a lady says "Size doesn't matter", you know she ain't talking about your bank account. If yours was the same size as my dick, she'd be outta there in a minute.

Yeah, guys with little dicks... They got a BIG screen TV, a BIG car, a BIG house. Everything BIG. But we'll KNOW who's got an "itsy bitsy teenie weenie", when your woman LAUGHS.

7

Aug 18, 2006 9:55 PM 

nectar of the bees 

So like Elmer Fudd is a robber holding a gun to Bugs Bunny's head. He says "Awight, you wascawwy wabbit. Yo money o you wife!" 

Bugs does Elmer Fudd doing Henny Youngman: 
''Take my wife, pwease..."
  

(Noo Yawk accent) Lemme tell ya bout my wife!
  
When I wuz courtin er, I'd bring er bunches o' flowez.
  
I called er ''Honeybunch''
  
Denn after a while, she starts givin me a little sugar, what a tight ass! Mmm, mm, mm
  
I called er ''Honeybun''
  
Soon after, we got married and the first few months were sweeeet.
  
I called er ''Honey''
  
Ever since then though she's been on the warpath and now I just call er ''Hun''
  
as in ''Attila the...''
  
  
7(c)84  

* * * * * * * 

7

THE PLANETS

J.Brent©1992

Jupiter

A masochist dyke from Jupiter

used to have people poop at her

she'd dress up in rubber

and pay them to club her

have you ever heard anything stupider?

Saturn

A kamikaze pilot from Saturn

circled in holding pattern

he knew he must die

and he didn't ask why

so he dived and he bombed and he SPLATTERN!

Venus

There once was a virgin from Venus

who had never before seen a penis

the first one she saw

filled her with awe

the rest of them filled her with semens!

Pluto

A big fucking dog named Pluto

was humping a little French poodle

the bitch gave a groan

when he buried his bone

'cause he missed and rammed straight inner turd-hole!

Earth

A surrogate mother on Earth

actually liked giving birth

she would bear

one baby a year

and then sell it for what it was worth!

Mercury

A quicksilver whiz kid from M-Mercury

earned his bachelor's of science in J-Jerkery

a M-Mastur's degree

is B-Bater, may be

but only PhuDs pound their puds p-perfuckly!

Mars

A Her-She sweetie from Mars

adored eating chocolate bars

he'd get his kicks

sucking monstrous dicks

and swallowing all but the balls!

Neptune

The randy old faggot from Neptune

gets it off in the man with the moon

when orbits collide

he rides the dark side

in a screwing poo, spewing goo union

Uranus

An asshole from your anus

longed to be rich and famous

he back-stabbed and haggled

connived and finagled

so much pain... and what did it gain us?

7

Aug 26, 2006 1:16 AM 

Dog number 2 

So this dog walks into the officer's lounge on    the military base, and says to the bartender ''I'd like a beer please''.
  
The bartender tells the dog ''I'm sorry sir, it's against the rules to serve animals in here.''
  
The dog goes ''C'mon, just gimme a beer. I'll lap it up it quickly over in the corner. I won't make any trouble, I promise.''
  
The bartender says ''Sorry, sir. I really can't serve you. You have to understand that (salute) I'm just doing my duty, sir.''
  
The dog says ''Look, I'll be finished with the beer in thirty seconds flat and then I'll be outta here. Nobody'll ever know the difference.''
  
The bartender replies ''Honestly, I can't serve you. It says in section 346A paragraph 7 that 'Animals cannot be served in the officer's lounge'. (salute) I'm just doing my duty, sir!''
  
Well, that totally pisses the dog off. So he starts snarling and growling, and then goes over into the middle of the dance floor and takes a big fucking shit right then and there.
  
The bartender runs over screaming ''What the hell is going on???''
  
The dog replies (salute) ''Just doing my doody, SIR!''
  
  
7(c)03 

* * * * * * * 

7

DINGER RING

J.Brent(c)1994

If a woman tries to change a man, it's called "education", "for his own good", a "public service".

But if a man tries to change a woman it's chauvinist oppression, sexist slurs, putdowns.

Oh man, what's a brother to do?

All's I can figure is that GOD MUST BE FEMALE AND SHE'S USING WOMEN TO TRY TO MAKE MAN IN HER OWN IMAGE.

But I've got the answer: THE MALE CHASTITY BELT!

It's not a belt actually, it's a little golden ring.

Not a finger ring - But a DINGER RING!

Like, you know, a RING on your DINGER!

It's the latest rage in BODY PIERCING!!!

[sales pitch voice]

"Yes, you too can make your committment to chastity till matrimony. Get your one and only genuine original DINGER RING! Only $29.95, 24 kt gold, instructions and sharp pointy piercing needle included.

Yessiree bob, there's just something about a little golden ring embedded there in the foreskin that can sure make a body think twice about having sex out of wedlock."

*

There's a new definition now to the term "Real Man". A real man is strong enough to resist primeval animalistic urges. A real man relates to women on many other levels than purely sexual. A real man abstains by choice and is no slave to h-h-hormonal-l-lust. Those strong and almost relentless drives which so succesfully served to populate the planet from pole to pole is now leading to the outright downfall of the world as we know it!!!

The DINGER RING is the answer, and the true symbol of a real man's undying devotion to abstinence until marriage.

In schools across the nation, the benefits of male chastity have been disseminated under the banner of: "Keep that ring on your dinger, till you get a ring on your finger".

This recent educational program has resulted in a sharp drop in teen pregnancies as MORE AND MORE BOYS ARE TAKING FULL RESPONSIBILITY FOR THEIR OWN ACTIONS AND DECLINING TO PARTICIPATE IN PRE-MARITAL SEX!

Girls all know now that if a boy DOESN'T have a DINGER RING, there is a good chance that he is wild, unreliable, and not suitable marriage quality. Every modern young lady is QUITE aware that it would be madness, taking her life in her own hands to marry someone who doesn't wear a DINGER RING! Just remember "Keep that ring on your dinger till you get a ring on your finger"

[TV sports announcer voice]

"So what DO the experts say in this raging controversy over this latest fashion fury!?"

"Genital Body Piercing and its Relationship to the New Male Chastity Movement".

is the title of a recent scientific work by the esteemed Dr. Chops. Ladies and Gentlemen I present to you Dr. Buster Chops."

(background music)

Dr. Chops: [fake professional doctor voice]

"Yes, thank you. Tonights discussion will focus on the most frequently asked questions concerning the public health issues surrounding genital body piercing.

The most important buzzwords here are safety and effectiveness.

"Is it safe?"

This is the biggest concern of all. Naturallty it is equally as safe to pierce the genitalia as it is to pierce the ears. One must be careful of hygiene otherwise the member could become infected and drop off. Statistically speaking only about 50 to a hundred ears drop off every year due to earring infections, no cause for a real man to worry.

"Is it effective?"

Of course, the gold ring can be removed at any time. It's value is mainly psychological. It gives one a chance to have second thoughts in order to decide once again in favor of abstinence

[stage whisper/aside]

instead of just taking the damn ring out and getting it on.

(CLEAR THROAT)

Another major concern is the pain factor.

One of the most frequently asked questions regarding genital body piercing is:

"When they take that long pointy sharp needle and stick it deep into your flesh twisting and ripping through the layers of delicate tissue, doesn't it hurt so bad that you have to scream at the top of your lungs and the neighbors'll call 911 thinking somebody's being murdered in your living room, and suddenly the cops bust down the door and find me standing there with my dick in one hand and a long sharp pointy needle in the other just about to pierce my poor penis with pain. Aaaaah! The pain, oh the pain. Don't they have an anesthetic for this? Shouldn't I be knocked out for the procedure and a few days hospital bedrest after the ordeal?"

Dr. Chops responds: "Only a wimp would ask a question like that."

*

Even married men have begun sporting genital jewelry once their child-bearing years are over.

The following excerpts from a live conversation are typical of exchanges of married couples in which the husband has decided to take a vow of chastitiy and abstinence, let's listen in, shh...

Mrs: [screaming]
"What the hell is this stupid ring doing on your dick?!?"

Mr:
"Well, YOU have pierced ears."

Mrs:
"Yeah, well, that's different"

Mr:
"Yes, because my ring is a symbol of my commitment to abstinence."

Mrs:
"And since when did you decided to become a monk?"

Mr:
"Ever since you stopped putting out"

Mrs:
"It's no wonder 'I stopped putting out', if that's all you think love is all about.

Mr:
"I don't even THINK about it any more."

Mrs:
"Oh yeah, and what about those magazines down in your bottom drawer?"

Mr:
"Well, I do get nostalgic sometimes."

Mrs:
"Nostalgia, my ass."

Mr: [screaming]
"Hey, I been wearing this ring in my fucking foreskin for eight months and this is the first time you've noticed.

[softer]

Anyway how do you like it? It's solid gold."

Mrs:
"Well, at least I know that your vows are not just lipservice."

Mr:
"Hmmm, yes, lipservice. Please!"

*

Hey have you heard that the Hare Krishna guys all have started putting little bells on their Dinger Rings? They call 'em Ringer Dinger Rings, or something like that. I guess it makes it easier for them to sneak into airports.

[singsong & dance / shake hips to ring bells]

Hare Rama (ding, ding) Hare Ding, etc.

But the ding dings are just for the little guys! The big guys have DONGS.

[dance around some more]

Hare ding ding, Hare ding ding.

[waving one arm like a swinging cock]

Hairy dong. Hairy DONG, DONG, DONG. [Big Ben chimes]

*

Some have even begun embedding precious stones in their pierced genital ornamentation:

[telling a joke]

See, there's these two guys in the restroom at some ritzy bar.

They're both standing there, taking a leak side by side. Mr Pomp and Mr Circumstance.

Mr. Pomp: [snooty British elder statesman accent]

(peeking over)

"I say old man what's that huge thing you have dangling between your legs there?"

Mr. Circumstance: [same social class as Mr. Pomp but in his 60s]

(turning towards Pomp as he speaks)

"Well, those are the family jewels of course. You see, those are the birthstones of my seven ..."

Mr. Pomp:

(screaming and jumping away)

"Hey watch watch out mate! You're pissing all over me trousers."

*

[gold fever]

I reckon NOW is the time to really rake in the big bucks with high tech. Every one of these penis rings could also contain a little computer homing chip, so just in case someone named Lorena threw your dick out the window, using satellites and laser technology they could easily lock on to its current coordinates!

Radio voice: This is satellite search control, do you read me?

EL: "Yes, yes. Have you located the object, sir?"

RV: {radio static) "Affirmative"

EL: "That's good! What's it's status?"

RV: (long silence)

EL: "Hey do you read me?"

RV: "Yessir." (long silence)

EL: "Well, then speak up. Cat got your tongue?"

RV: (static) "Actually sir, (static) cat got your dong"

And to this very day he's still chasing that pussy.

EL: "Here, kitty, kitty!"

RV: (static) "10-4"

7