at the end of burn notice they were eating salad out of huge bowls and i dont want to eat salad but i have a big plastic bowl so i put the salad i bought in there and put it up it on the counter and sat near it like i was going to eat it and just experienced the feeling of potentially eating a salad like a spy would even though their humanity was showing because fi was all about to cry and michael was very stern and determined and it really makes you think about the prep that fi put into making the salads and why michael just sat down and started eating like it was no big deal when i know he doesnt even own big bowls like that i know she had to have brought them in unless they were some of the bowls that michael stole from the warehouse but that would just be really odd. so then i threw the salad in the garbage.

i went to the grocery store to use the remaining allotment of $30 in my july food fund. when there, i got a shopping cart and something was very right. it was the cart. the handling on this was sensational. i spent more than an hour just cruising around the store pushing the shopping carts to its limits without a hitch. it was so nice that i was thinking about how this cart should be named but then i started thinking less about that and more about the handling again. it was a thrill.

after this everything else was downhill and not me in a shopping cart downhill. orange juice was too expensive. i bought croutons a month earlier so i needed to buy salad to use them in even though i hate salad... it was $3 for a bag. what idiocy.

i bought malt 3 months ago in a fit of epic sadness so i needed to buy a lot of cheap vanilla ice cream to make milkshakes. ice cream is not cheap. ice cream is not fucking cheap. i paced the isles for ten minutes trying to console myself but it didnt work .i figured out the cheapest kind and just threw my lot in and bought it. i was so upset. i wrote "im so upset" in the condensation of the freezer but i felt it was a judgment slip so i wiped it off but then my hand was wet which is intolerable. i couldnt wipe it on my shirt because it was too thin and the wet would seep into my body. i seemed to be trapped but then i remembered my pants so i used my pants to wipe the water off but there were still lingering bits on my hand and i just wanted to go home but i needed milk so when i saw the milk i nodded with a stern approval because it was rather cheap but i didnt let the expression on my face show any gratitude at this because its important that if someone is looking at me that they know i am strong willed but no one was around. no one ever is.

i purchased a box fan last week in an attempt to save on money and to beat the summer heat. it blows air upon me yet i still sweat. i am in a conundrum because if i used the AC, my bill would perhaps be only $15 to $20 more than usual but i want to save money none the less. i purchased the fan for $15 though and i really want to see if using it cuts down on the bill yet... i sweat.

the fan is really not living up to the potential i thought it had. i know in the end, this will not be the mode of self cooling which i use but i do feel like i want to at least make the $15 back. i have cheated a couple of times by using the AC already before i go out because i just must look presentable so perhaps i should just abandon it all together. the whole situation could be likened to someone trying to quit smoking but ending up having one or two and then thinking... well whats the point? i need an abundance of... something... something... i am imagining it being in a cup.... im imagining it being liquid but i dont think that is correct but it does transition into my next point of using water behind the fan which would move through it and then fall upon my body creating a cool sensation. i can not do this though because i have several important papers laying near me that just can not... they can not move. also, its a slim chance, but it may fly into the computer or monitor and then i would be out a computer which could have severe concequences.

i believe im at a point where i am going to rob and kill somoene to have enough money to get a kitten. im dead serious and i wonder if children carry a good amount of money on them. im thinking someone perhaps age 13 may carry their allowance money with them while going to a hang out such as the mall or on a date. the date would probably provide more money because of two people yet i do not really want to get involved in having to kill twice at the same time. this could be a very slippery situation no pun intended. i even have a name picked out for it. you can view my future kitty walking in my user pic as well. i look forward to this day but i think it still involves a good bit of planning and determination. it is very hard to just get out of the bed  so i cant even really imagine fighting an agile young person. i could possibly get meredith to help with this but she is in nebraska for the next 2 months and i am severely alone.

i am very out of shape i think but i do repump my air bed due to a hole every night and i can feel certain aspects of my body increasing in endurance and stamina. very slowly though. when i pump my bed up it sounds like someone giving birth and i dont want to do it anymore but i do remember what sleeping  on the floor feels like and i dont fancy that either.

today i ate a little bit of grass. ive eaten some grass before and it tasted the same but i really wonder why more people do not. there is a lot of it around. i doubt it is very nutritious but it does have taste and the the best of my knowledge it is not harmful. it would probably be good to wash it off first(i did not) but this is true for food that is gathered outdoors.

i made a milkshake and i cant figure out how to get it in between very large lumps of ice cream and complete liquid. i would love to write down this question on paper, address it "to scientist", fold the paper into an airplane, launch it from my balcony into the trees and then just scream until my throat is swollen and i will not be able to breathe normally for years.

i wonder if there is a market for human salt. filtering out the pure salt in sweat could be a very controversial yet lucrative endeavor. i dont want to do it though i do hope someone reads this one day and grows up to become rich and then they die in a boating accident and their children get their money and they find in a long lost diary (this will be on a computer) and learn about this idea and then between parties where people are beaten for fun and dog races, they find the time to put funding into the idea and then it becomes a huge success. the same idea could be used from other animals as well and they would each have their own flavors. there could be salt of turtle and salt of elk ( bears will be extinct) and the logo will have a little swoosh similar to ~ but there will not be images of the animals on the product because that is a bit lowbrow.

im thinking about why no one sells bottled animal blood and im in the process of hunching over with a sharp pain in my chest, on the verge of intolerable nausea and i keep typing because this has to be important. something im typing does.

antiquing was a failure today. thrift storing the day before that was a resounding failure. now im probably sick because of it - sick in the worst kind of way where im not even sick but sicker than possible at the same time - and i really want to dress up like a pirate. i want to be a pirate without having to be one really. i want to be infamous and dead but then i still want to be alive and not have to do pirate things but i want to read about my adventures and see if i was successful or if i managed to be taken prisoner in my first outing or if i was just killed in a mutiny because i wasnt good enough. i feel like i need a ricola but they taste very bad and i dont even have any but i was just lying in the floor for over 20 minutes telling myself i need one and i was also thinking about geordi la forge and i think this was probably one of the worst things i could have done because i was sticky with sweat and have carpet like objects on me now and i really dont have the courage to get into the shower because i know that i am probably going to bed soon and if my hair is still wet when i go to sleep it will look terrible after lying on a pillow and then i may want to go out tomorrow and i would have very bad hair and no one would like me and that is a bad thing.

the other day i was at the book store pacing up and down the scifi/fantasy isle, furious that i was in the bookstore again but i just stayed and i was trapped and i looked at the books again and again, all which ive seen before and do not want and there were so many asians, as ive stated here before, but i do not know why still. i have honestly never seen any asians outside of this book store. they do not know english. they sit around and read manga or sit at the cafe and happily discuss things which are forbidden to english speakers. about a month ago i bought a lemonade from the cafe and it was one of the worst i have ever had. no, it was the worst. i told myself that i cant afford not to drink it so i took it home and added a lot of sugar to it but this just didnt help so i had to throw it away and then to make up for that i didnt eat for the next 2 days because it was very expensive. i dont even think i woke up for those two days and i think something very bad may have happened to me during this time period, i think ive been cut up with a knife perhaps but the wounds have healed but maybe they just werent there but it has been a while so i dont know.

i feel obligated to say here that it is a bit more than odd that anyone could still be reading this. i could go on forever but i have a date with myself sitting outside reading a book with an OFF candle i purchased which i will light with a bic lighter that i also purchased from the same place. im nervous because i dont know if it will start working right away or if i should light it and wait but i really dont want to wait because i may end up putting my hand down the garbage disposal which has the - cute? - name of in-sink-erator. i really really want my kitten.

in a twist of fate, a spider on a mission to kill me was killed by me. things are looking up.

yesterday while driving i noticed i was being chased by someone on a motorcycle. this was very annoying because i just dont have time to put up with stuff of that nature. i had groceries to put away.

it turns out though that the motorcyclist was just driving on the road behind me because they did not follow when i turned. the relief was subtle but it was there.

i have enough room in my bedroom to place an inflatable pool and i may do this seeing that it is summer time. if i turn the television a bit i can watch it from within the pool which will be full of refreshing water.

im very pissed about not having a bff that is a kitten.

pink lemonade just isnt out there any more. it is unattainable.

it just ... isnt... out there

why is everything so bad, wtf is going on?

Things are a bit beyond surreal at the moment and I am very tired of eating pudding now. Ive been trying to come up wit ha plan of action and I dont think, in the end, that it will matter.

Today I purchased two books about assassins.

I wish it were 2004 or 2002 or 1998. I would even take 2007.

Ive been seriously contemplating... watching the next generation episodes even though ive seen them all. no clue whats going on.

today between leaving baby gap and heading to cracker barrel where i ate chicken fried chicken with white gravy, two servings of maccaroni and cheese, mashed potatoes with brown gravy, two biscuits and a co-cola, i saw a woman having a seizure in her car.

after further meditation on this, i came to the conclusion that she was probably "dancing" to "music".

last night in magic draft i was playing against a man who was between the ages of 45 and 55, was wearing a gray cannonball run tshirt, blue jean shorts, white sneakers and a large laminated DCI member card clipped to his shirt and with a straight face he casually mentioned to me that the scabs on his fingers were from his martial arts training where he punches a tree daily for endurance.

also, i want to mention that i am giving up. im done, completely. dont want to do it anymore. so tired. need lobotomy but im a colorless short. thats all i guess. but its true.

welcome to may, please, have a seat.

this morning i slept in a bit late and refused to acknowledge that this is a bad thing.

i have not eaten today

there are 8 lights on and all the windows are open yet my apartment is very dark and depressing.



in fact, it is so depressing that i am heavily leaning towards going to walmart to buy an electronic device that emits invisible pulses which spiders detest and also a bottle or witch hazel which was on sale for $1.50 to add to my alchemy lab.

i spent 7 hours cutting out a van in photoshop and placing it in front of a volcano.

i need more varried types of juices to enjoy in my home but i can not figure out what these should be. i just squint in skepticism at the ones i peruse because i just know they wont live up to my expectations. i click my tongue on my teeth at them and spin away in a very dramatic fashion. i usually imagine myself wearing a dark flowing cloak so when i turn it looks very exciting and i like to imagine how awesome the people around me would think i am if i was wearing this item. then i will see something like sunglasses for $15 and i will get mad at clothing.