MON 14^th & TUE 15^th DEC – DAY 4/5 – BYRON BAY

With our beards slightly longer than they were when the tour began, we left Queensland behind and headed for the last frontier – New South Wales. The bustling backpacker’s haven of Byron carried somewhat of a reputation for being lazy with a razor, and so it proved, with plenty of shaggy-faced surfie types proudly strolling the streets. We had a good feeling about this place. The Rails hotel was a hive of bearded excitement well before we walked in, and walk in we did. Then we walked back out so that we could unload the van. Then we walked back in again with our equipment. Exhausted, we went to take a pre-gig nap in our hotel room, which quickly turned into a heated discussion about why having a beard was better than not having a beard.

Tonight we had two sets, which was good, as after our first set, it was obvious that many in the audience had heard nowhere near enough songs about beards. And in fact, by the time our second set finished, we still didn’t feel as though we’d given all we could give, and we ducked back onstage for an unrequested 3-song encore.

We were pleased to meet another band that was travelling through Byron – a friendly metal act known as Cuntscrape. They had some excellent beards so we quickly became friends, spending the night drinking together and growing our beards. Cuntscrape even agreed that from now on, they will only write and perform songs about beards. Our tour was becoming very fruitful indeed.....

A quick dip in the ocean the next morning gave our beards a much needed refreshing. We had reached the tour’s halfway mark, but there was still much work ahead.

WED DEC 16^th – DAY 6 - ARMIDALE....

The Armidale Club was situated on what would have to be one of the greatest streets on earth – Beardy Street. Inspired by this happy coincidence, we vowed that tonight’s setlist would be comprised only of our most beard-related songs.

The club itself was an intimate room, where an enthusiastic crowd had gathered to see if we really were as bearded as our press release claimed. We saw this as the perfect opportunity to play a gig, and lucky too, as this was exactly what we had been hired to do. This small room proved to be the perfect forum for our bearded propaganda, and by the end of our set, we could see members of the audience starting to grow beards, as per our instructions. At this point in the blog, we should mention that we really like beards.

We had an early night, giving our beards a well-earned break, and then it was time to leave Armidale and its friendly bearded folk behind. We all agreed that, thanks to our visit, the town of Amridale was on the right track.

THUR DEC 17^th – DAY 7 - MAITLAND

We descended on Maitland like flies on a beard, eager to spread our germs, and by that we mean songs. About beards. Before the show, we ventured to the local shopping complex, where we met an interesting local. Dressed in thick red clothes, despite the summer heat, this eccentric old man told us that each Christmas, as a tradition, he makes a point of delivering presents to all of the world’s children. What an amazingly kind-hearted man. And he had a really good beard!

Warmed by his spirit of goodwill, we proceeded to unleash our spirit of badwill upon the shaven members of the audience at the Grand Junction Hotel. The best beard of the night belonged to a Maitland legend by the name of Kinsley. Kinsley told us he had grown his impressive beard over the last year to raise money for his ill father, and that at the end of the year, the beard was coming off. This horrified us, and we considered destroying him. However, after a band meeting, we put forward a proposal: We would make an exception on our normal zero-tolerance approach to shaving, and allow him to shave his beard off, BUT, we did this on the condition that he would grow his beard straight back, and keep it until the day of his death. He agreed to our terms, and was consequently spared.

Stay tuned as The Beards plow their way into Sydney...

FRI DEC 10^th – DAY 1 – BRISBANE

With our heads held high, our beards primed, and our beard-related songs ready to go, we rolled into Brisbane confident that we could turn this mostly-beardless city into a hairy metropolis. The first stop on our Decembeard tour was the X&Y Bar in Fortitude Valley, a small but vibrant venue that we suspected may not be able to hold the tens of thousands of bearded people that we anticipated attending the show. We arrived to find that all the bar staff, including the women, were proudly sporting beards (as was stipulated in our contract).

Although we suspected that some of their beards may have been fake, we nonetheless settled in to share some beers and discuss just how good it is to have a beard. While the tens of thousands we expected never arrived, the room was soon filled with beard-wearers and bear appreciators, and we launched into a high-energy set including Born With A Beard, No Beard No Good, and rounding out the night with the ever-popular If Your Dad Doesn’t Have a Beard You’ve Got Two Mums. With the cheers of the crowd still ringing, one particularly enthusiastic punter approached us and promised to begin growing a beard right there and then. We told him we would return to Brisbane soon to make sure he had grown one - and if he hadn’t, he would pay.

SAT DEC 11^th – DAY 2 – BRISBANE

Every tour has one god-awful gig, and on this particular tour, that gig was held at The Springwood Tavern: a soulless pokie den in one of Brisbane’s mainly beardless suburbs. Things looked bad from the start. There were only twelve people in the audience, only two of them had beards, and the venue refused to give the band any free drinks. However, being the consummate professionals that we are, we managed to overcome this problem by picking up some $2 cleanskins from the Dan Murphy’s across the road, and indulged in some pre-gig drinking in the car park.

That’s what happens when you don’t give a bearded man his rider – he takes matters into his own hands. Our support band, They Are Spies, blasted through an energetic and entertaining set, although we couldn’t help but feel that their energy was somewhat wasted, as it seemed none of their songs even mentioned anything about beards. Drunk, we took to the stage, and our intoxication only strengthened our already fervent enthusiasm for our own songs. The twelve people watching quickly became six, as they were systematically abused by us – The Beards – for their lack of facial hair. By the end of the set, we had two bearded and four beardless audience members left – a far better ratio than before. Through our resourcefulness, our ability to drink bad wine and our overly hardline stance on beards, we had managed to turn this disaster gig into a great success.

SUN DEC 12^th – DAY 3 – TOOWOOMBA

We awoke to the news that the people of Toowoomba had begun rioting, demanding that The Beards come to their town and play their beard-related songs. Fortuitously, Toowoomba was our next scheduled gig anyway, so we jumped in the van and headed west. It had been six months since we’d unleased our bearded tunes on the people of Toowoomba, and tonight we were back at Bon Amici’s Café, where an even larger and more beard-filled crowd was eagerly anticipating our set. The crowd responded well to songs including Beard Revolution, Bearded Nation, and It Only Takes a Fortnight to Grow a Decent Beard. After the gig, a married woman propositioned our drummer, John Beardman. John asked if her husband had a beard. She said that he didn’t. So John took her home to show her how a real man does it. With our work in Toowoomba done, it was time to head south, confident that we had left the great state of Queensland in a better and more bearded state than when we arrived.

Stay tuned for part II as The Beards hit regional NSW. YEAH!!

As The Beards enjoy some quality beard-growing time in preparation for their Decembeard Tour, Bassist Nathaniel Beard travels to India in this four-part blog series The Beards of India

Entry 3: November 28th, 2009

Nov 25^th: 2009. Delhi

Old Delhi. Crowded. Sweating. Loud. Thousands of traders and shoppers jostle for space in the narrow streets. Onion shaped mosques tower above.  There are more than 138 million Muslims in India, and this is a good place to meet them. 

Part Three: The Muslims…

I approach a pair of devout looking men dressed in white, one has a beard, and one does not.

‘What is your stance on beards?’ I ask, directing my question at the bearded man, whilst ignoring the other one.

‘The Prophet requested that all Muslims wear beards. This is why I have a beard.’ Explains the bearded man.

‘And what have you got to say for yourself?’ I ask his friend, who I can’t help but notice seems to be a lot less wise. This observation is backed up when the beardless one stammers for a response. Luckily, his smarter, beardier friend is ready to rescue him.  

‘It is up to the individual,’ he explains. ‘When The Prophet commanded we grow beards, the world was a different place. I think that today there are more important ways we can honour Allah than by simply having a beard

Annoyed by his diplomatic response and lack of hard-line attitude on the topic of beard-wearing, I move on. I search the throngs of people for someone with a decent beard. Just then, I hear a voice cut through the deafening noise.

'A very nice beard you have there my friend!' I turn to see a young Islamic man, dressed in white - and sporting a very nice beard himself. 'From which country?' he asks.

'I'm Nathniel from Australia,' I say, shaking his hand warmly, glad to be in the presence of such a nice beard.

'I'm Ali, welcome to this India,' he smiles. 'Do all Australians have the nice beards?'

'Unfortunately not,' I explain. 'A few of us have to pick up the slack for everybody else.'

I ask him if Muslims are required to wear beards. He tells me that his style of beard is called a Wahabi, it is the kind favoured by The Prophet Muhammad, with minimal moustache and a healthy fist of hair protruding from the chin.

'We endeavour to be like The Prophet in every way possible, and live by examples he set.'

Evidently, one of the examples The Prophet set was how to grow a sweet beard. ....

'How is my beard?' I ask.

'It's a little too long,' he tells me with a grin.

'I see a lot of Muslims without beards, what do you think of them?'

'Anyone who shaves has no claim to the mercy of Allah,' He quotes. And with that he smiles and turns away, back into the thrawl of pedestrians from which he came. As he walks, the beardless members of the crowd part before his mighty Wahabi.

  ..

Join Nathaniel next week for the fourth and final installment of Nathaniel Beard’s Beards of India

Join Beards’ Bassist Nathaniel Beard as he travels to India in this four-part blog series The Beards of India

Nov 15^th: 2009. Amritsar

Jammed into an overcrowded train hurtling towards Amrisar, I can’t move an inch.  I am surrounded by beards, and I couldn’t be happier. In this installment of The Beards of India, I will be learning about what may be the world’s most beard-based religion, Sikhism.

Part 2: The Sikhs ....

Punjab is the heartland of the Sikhs and the birthplace of their beliefs. It is here that a guru, presumably a bearded guru, decided to branch away from Hinduism and start an entirely new, much beardier religion. I sit in the shadows of Amrisar’s Golden Temple and watch as hundreds of bearded men wearing turbans file in.  Many of them nod at my beard in approval, and I am invited into the temple by a Sikh named Singh. He has a beard, so I accept his invitation.

Inside the temple, every male face is adorned with a beard. Sikhs are required to leave all of their hair entirely uncut, needless to say, this results in some pretty impressive beards. In addition to being obliged to have awesome beards, Sikhs also get to carry around actual swords, just to remind everyone else that they are not to be fucked with.

‘Why is it important not to shave or trim your beard?’

‘We are of the belief that when God made us, he made us perfectly, and that there is no need to go around altering what is perfect. If you cut your beard, God commands your body to replace it, so we don’t cut it in the first place.’ Singh explains

‘And tell me about your sword…’

‘We Sikhs do not like people telling us what to do, we are obliged to always fight for our rights and to fight for what is right, and my sword is a symbol of that.’

‘Is it very sharp?’

‘Yes. Very.’

To Sikhs, the beard is natural and therefore it is good. To shave it or to cut it would show a dissatisfaction with the body’s natural state. Sikhs are proud of the way they are made, and will not listen to what the government, the advertisements and the womenfolk say. The Indian Army has a no-beard policy, but they make an exception to this rule for the Sikhs. This is because the Indian Army understand that if there are a bunch of brave dudes with swords and massive beards, you want them fighting for you, and not against you. 

In conclusion, the Sikhs are probably the coolest group of people I have ever met.

Next week, Nathaniel Beard travels to Old ....Delhi.... to meet the Muslims.  ....

Join Beards’ Bassist Nathaniel Beard as he travels to India in this four-part blog series The Beards of India

November 7th, 2009: Delhi.

I step out of the airport and a beardless taxi driver nearly runs me over. For the next four weeks, I will be traveling through India, the Land of the Beard. In this four-part blog series, I will be documenting The Beards of India.

Part 1: The Hindus....

India has a population of 1.1 billion people. More than eighty percent of that population practice the world’s oldest religion: Hinduism. The driver that takes me to my Delhi hotel room is a Hindu, as is the night manager who checks me in, as is the man who serves me supper. None of them have beards. The Hindus seem to be letting India down in the beard department.

Moustaches prevail, but moustaches are shit. I came here for beards. I go to bed with a heavy heart, and think about catching the next flight home.

I wake the following morning, feeling a little more optimistic. I decide to hit the streets, and catch the lowdown on Hindus and their disappointing lack of beards. As I weave through the masses of people and dodge rickshaws, scooters and cows, my spirits are lifted by the endless chorus of compliments directed at my beard: “Nice beard” is a typical example of this. The majority of Hindus may not have beards, but at least they appreciate them. I twist and turn through a bustling bazaar, and am disheartened to find street barbers shaving people right on the footpath. I decide to intervene: ‘What the hell do you think you’re doing?’ I ask a young Hindu mid-shave.

‘Nice beard man!’ He grins. The barber and a crowd of onlookers concur

‘If you like beards so much, why don’t you grow one?’ I demand.

‘Because beards are not the fashion for us’ he explains. ‘I want to make a love marriage and I won’t be finding a wife if I’m getting around with the big beard!’

‘But I thought India was the Land of the Beard?’

‘Yes India is home to many beards – look at the Sikhs or the Muslims!’

‘Yes,’ I say through clenched teeth, ‘But what about the Hindus?’

‘We’re allowed to have the beards, our religion doesn’t forbid the beards, but most of us prefer the moustaches. Hey, if you want to see Hindus with the beards, you should go check out the sadhus,’ he suggests. The barber finishes his treacherous work, and sweeps the young man’s manhood into the sewer.

Sadhus are the Holy Monks of Hinduism. They are men who have renounced their homes, families and possessions to wander the land, seeking liberation from the cycle of Karma. They smoke hashish, they wear orange and they have excellent beards. At any given time, there are over four million Sadhus India-wide. That’s over four million beards, which means the Sadhus truly are flying the beard-flag for their less Holy Hindu brothers. I travel to the ancient city of Varanasi to learn more.

Walking along the ghats (steps leading into the water) of the Holy River Ganges, I am delighted by what I see. Sadhus, and therefore beards, are everywhere. This is the reason I came to India. I sit next to a Sadhu called Bhikshubabaji. He smiles at me, blesses me, and asks me for some money. Sadhus survive solely on donations made by others. Their mystical ways are seen to generate good Karma for the wider-community. But I give him money simply because he has a great beard. I ask Bhikshubabaji why Sadhu’s have beards. He explains that it is because he has renounced all possessions – including razors.

‘What does your beard represent?’ I probe.

‘Everything,’ He says. Wise words from a wise man.

I am struck by Bhikshubabaji’s contentment. He has glazed eyes and a calm smile. Maybe he is close to enlightenment. Maybe he is just stoned. But maybe, if you had a beard like his, you would be happy too.

Next week, Nathaniel Beard travels to Punjab, home of the Sikhs for Part Two of The Beards of India.

The Beards are proud to launch the new clip to “If Your Dad Doesn’t Have a Beard, You’ve Got Two Mums”

You can check it out on Youtube here:

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=RmFnarFSj_U

thanks to all the people who helped us out in getting it made.

We love you all.

The Beards
 

If Your Dad Doesn’t Have a Beard, You’ve Got Two Mums... 

Starring 

Boy                            Henri Phillips

Beardless Mum                  Rick Mills

Actual Mum                     Helen Aylett

Bearded Mechanic               Alan Tucker

Bearded Mechanic's Son         Nick Miotti

Bearded Lumberjack             Linton Johnston

Bearded Lumberjack's Son       Damian Miotti

Bearded Butcher                Les Window

Bearded Butcher's Son          Woody Pearce

Bearded Weightlifter           Ben Carr

Bearded Weightlifter's Son     Ethan Miotti

Bearded Boxer                  Gerard Ekserdjian

Bearded Boxer's Son            Sam France

Bearded Shearer                Mike Edser

Bearded Shearer's Son          James Corral

Policeman                      Scott Dolman

Bar Scene

Kate Bonney

Patrick Bryan

Christopher Carther-Krone

Kate Englefield

Kerry Hoare

Lauren Idema

Cassie McInnes

Tess O..Flaherty

Margaret Turner

Romina Verdiglione

Director

Tom Bettany

Producer

Rose Tucker

Written by

Tom Bettany, Joel McMillan, Joshua Fielder, Michael Bidstrup

Cinematographer

Matthew Salleh

Editors

Tom Bettany

Matthew Salleh

Production Design

Jessie Mills

Costume Design

Lynda Pearl

Hair and Makeup

Megan Smithers

Rebecca Ballantyne

Additional Assistant Director

Hera Sparnon

Steadicam Operator

Nick Tsamandanis

Additional Camera

Dylan Binns

Jim Hogevonder

Dolly Grip

Nick Graalman

Grips/General Crew

Sam Bettany

Dylan Binns

Cassandra Fletcher

Nick Graalman

Jim Hogevonder

Chris Kellett

Amber McBride

Janko Miskovich

Paul Pincus

Stills Photography

Jason Nolan

Props Maker

Chris Edser

Visual Effects Supervisor

Dylan Binns

Digital Colourist

Chris Kellett

Special Thanks

Aaron Schuppan

Annie Braendler-Phillips and Jim Phillips

Dave France

Deborah Tucker

Designs To Delight

Focal Image Productions

Frank Taddeo

Grace and Family

International Tastes Pty. Ltd

Jade Robinson

Jason Chong

Jim and Sandy Lewis-Christie

John Blaikie

Kate Sautner and Family

Merge Magazine

Mylene and Mal Ludgate

Pam DeBoo and Family

Patrick 'Paddy' OBrien

Raine and Horne McLaren Vale

Richard 'Dick' Brown at Willunga Quality Meats

Rob Miotti and Family

Robin 'Barty' Bartel

Shane Bartel

Seafilms Pty. Ltd

Stephanie Mountzouris

Terry Fox at Foxy's Gym

The Beachouse Glenelg

The Edser Family

The Grace Emily Hotel

The Providore, Central Markets

The Residents of Willunga,South Australia

The Royal Agricultural & Horticultural Society of SA Inc

Tom and Family

Yvette Gubbin and Family

If Your Dad Doesn't Have a Beard,You've Got Two Mums

Copyright The Beards 2009

Written, performed and published by The Beards

www.thebeards.com.au

Urtext Film Productions Pty. Ltd

www.urtextfilms.com

in association with

Quench Studios

www.quenchstudios.com.au