It’s traditional at this time for people to send round robin letters to family and friends they haven’t seen all year and have little intention of seeing next year, informing them of what’s been happening in their lives and wishing them well for the future. Here is one such letter:
Dear Roberto
We won't be seeing you again this Christmas - or any Christmas for as far as I can see.
But since Christmas is about family, I thought I’d update you with a little of what’s been going on in our world.
This year has been a busy one for Paulo and I. I published another book. It has gay characters in it, so I doubt very much that you will ever read it. But I’m told that your mother and sister and brother-in-law all enjoyed it very much, which pleased me no end.
Paulo’s work as a Pilates teacher has continued to bring him into contact with all kinds of people from all walks of life, none of whom seem remotely bothered by his sexuality. In fact, we’ve been welcomed as a couple into their homes many times, and some of them even have children! Speaking of which, we have seen quite a lot of my dear friend Elaine and her two small children. So far this doesn’t appear to have affected them in any adverse way.
This Christmas we will be with my family, who love Paulo very much and regard him as one of their own. I had the distinct impression when you met my parents in London that you felt they were somehow beneath you. You couldn’t be more wrong. They could teach you a lot about the true meaning of family, if only you weren’t too bloody-minded to learn.
Family is much broader than your narrow definition. I would have thought that your brother’s recent marital breakup would have made you think about this, but evidently not.
Divorced parents are part of life. Indeed, they often make better parents than those who stay together “for the sake of the children”, despite the fact that they obviously can’t stand the sight of each other. I hope this will be the case with your brother and his ex-wife.
Speaking of unmarried parents, my gay friend Gordon is also a proud parent, and a more doting father you couldn’t wish to meet. As I write, he and the mother of his little girl have another baby on the way. His traditional Irish parents took a bit of time to get used to the idea of their gay son fathering a child. But they seem to be getting there.
Gay people are part of families, whether you like it or not. I am part of my family (and yours). Your brother is part of your family (and mine). You claim that you are upset that you and Paulo no longer speak, but how can you expect him to speak to you when you’ve made it clear that you won’t accept him for who he is and bang on about your “right” to be homophobic? Since when was hate a family value? How can there be brotherly love when one brother refuses to accept the other for who he is?
To me, family is about love. Whether your own son turns out to be gay or not, I hope you will love him. If not, he will either grow up very damaged or he will somehow find the strength to reject you and will end up hating you. You see, he can't change his nature. He can only change how he deals with it. This is the option we are given as gay people. Accept yourself or face the consequences. Gay people who can’t accept themselves often become very damaged individuals. As a physician, you must deal with death on a regular basis. Imagine if that death was brought on by the mere fact of someone’s sexuality - either at their own hand through drink or drugs or suicide, or at the hands of others.
Not so long ago, in London, thousands of people gathered in Trafalgar Square to pay tribute to a gay man who was savagely beaten to death by a gang of teenagers who believed that gay people were somehow less than human. He wasn’t the first, and he won’t be the last. This past year has seen a lot of homophobic violence in the UK, much of it resulting in grievous bodily harm and even death.
I have no doubt that you personally would never condone such behaviour. But your homophobic attitudes are the thin end of the wedge. When you decide that Paulo and I shouldn’t be allowed near your children, or when you force your little boy to play football in order to “toughen him up” because you fear he might be gay, the message you are sending out is that being gay is somehow less than being human.
If you make one New Year’s resolution this year, please learn to accept the fact that sexuality is not a choice. Why would someone choose to be gay knowing that there are people like you in the world who will persecute them for it? Your insistence that being gay (or not) is a choice leads me to suspect that you must have made this choice yourself - ie, that you have had these feelings, or that you are in fact a repressed homosexual.
If this is so, I truly feel very sorry for you. But it makes your prejudice no less inexcusable - quite the contrary, in fact. There are far too many repressed homosexuals out there causing untold damage. One need only look at the Catholic church to see that.
I wish you a Merry Christmas and a guilt-free New Year. Please give our love to the children.
Your brother-in-law
Paul