1:Ouch

   So I got all of my wisdom teeth pulled on Monday, and it sucks now, but I guess it needed to be done. They were crowding all my front teeth and they were starting to get crooked. I'm really enjoying the week off of work though!

2: My new plan

    This is the meat of the blog. Some new decisions have been made up in mind. Here we go....In January and February, i'm going to test myself and see if I can save up $500 living on my own. I've done the math and it IS possible to do, but I will have to work really hard. If I can't save up $500 in 2 months living on my own, I have made the decision that I will move back home in order to save money. I hate to do it, I love living with James and I would much rather live with him than my parents. So why am I doing this?
    Well, everyone knows that the economy sucks right now. I think, compared to a lot of other people, I'm in pretty good shape. I have a job I know I won't lose, I have the money to survive, I'm in no debt whatsoever, but the oppurtunity to take advantage of our bad economy has arisen. Home prices are extremely low. Forclosed auction homes are being sold for $30,000, and the oppurtunity of home prices being as low as they are at another point in my life time is probablly minimal. It doesn't make sense to me to put $300 into an apartment every month and then never see that money back again. I know it's going to get worse (the economy I mean) and home prices will probablly get lower, so I want to prepare myself for that. I think the smartest thing I can do right now (and I think it could be one of the smartest things I do in my life) is save money to buy a house when they are the cheapest they are going to be in my lifetime. I don't want to buy one until after I'm done with college, but I want to be ready for that. I want to have a good down payment so I can get a good fixed mortgage. I started building my credit only 2 months after I turned 18 and I have done nothing wrong so far. I just applied for another credit card because you should have 2. I also want to invest some of my money into stocks. I watched a show yesterday about this 14 year old kid who had earned $50,000 investing in stocks, and he's only 14!!! I think it would be a wise decision to invest in things like solar and wind energy companies, along with some other companies (my dad probablly wouldn't approve of) like sony and samsung, you know, those japanese companies us American's can't stop buying stuff from? lol. On this show I watched, they showed the math of how investing 1000 dollars turns into 140,000 dollars in 60 years. I want to invest in long term. How many 18 year olds do you know that are planning for retirement?

     Anyway, the thing is, I feel like this is the only gap I will have in my life to save money and do some smart things to plan financially for my future. I know that if I don't take these steps I will regret it later, because the oppurtunity of taking advantage of such a crappy economy will probablly never pop up in my lifetime again. I know it will suck living with my parents again, but it will be worth it in the long run. I will miss living with James, but we've both learned that we can live with each other, and If we love each other as much as we know we do, we can wait. He also has the option of moving in w/ me in my parents house and doing the same thing, but that's up to him. Whether he wants to or not is his choice and I'll support him either way. Plus I think that with being in school and all, not being stressed out about money all the time will be a huge boulder lifted off of both me and james' shoulder, and I know it stresses him out more than it does me.

     So that's my new plan in life right now. I'm excited about it, yet sad that I won't be living with James as long as I originally thought. But I know he understands.

    Anyway, Merry Christmas everyone! I'll update everyone later!

So today, I step on the Wii Fit and it says, "Maybe it's just me, but doesn't it feel a bit chilly today?" LIKE, WOAH...HOW DO YOU KNOW THIS? It's starting to freak me out! lol.

     So, on December 5th I'm going on a cruise with James and my parents to the Bahamas, and I HAVE TO lose 15 pounds before then. I want to look smoking during my vacation! I'm going back on my all natural diet which I did at the beginning of the year and lost almost 10 pounds on. I've been on it since Monday and so far I'm doing excellent. I don't really know how much I've lost because I've been weighing myself at different times, but it looks like a pound or maybe even 2.

     Lately I've just been eating almost nothing but junk food and I'm just sick of crappy food. Every time I eat better I feel better, like right now...I just came home from school and I'm not taking a nap, because I'm not tired! I've also been taking some B12 vitamins to help out my metabolism and I apparently have anemia anyway, so B12 will also help that.

    Anyway, wish me luck on round 2 of this journey!

So I am now officially in college. I started HCC last Thursday and so far i'm loving it. I love the fact that there are some older people here, so I guess that kind of bumps the maturity level up just a tad...although I'm in the library right now and there is some girl on the phone who is talking about her baby daddy cheating on her and clubbing while she was pregnant and blah blah blah. Whatever....See her in 2 years? Maybe not.

    Anyway. I have my mind set now. Last night in my Architectural Design class, our proffesor showed us the line between architecture, engineering, and drafting, and I think I have definatly found my niche. I think architecture is what I want to do with my life. The other day I officially made that my major. I'm going for my master's and i'm going to do it. I want to be the first person in my family to get a degree. These are my goals and I'm going to achieve them. I want to live a successful life and feel financially stable, but I have a job that I love...and I think this is where I'll find that.

    This first semester is my first step to making those goals a reality, and having the life that every person wants to have. I think...I know it's going to extremely hard and I know there will probablly be times where I want to just give up (and I usually  have a tendency to do such things...I have since 1st grade), but I can't...not now...not anymore...this is something that I have to do, and i'm so excited to do it. These are the first steps on the moon of my life, but I want to walk around the entire thing.

So i'm living on my own now, well...with James, and it is definatly a different world from living at home, but in a good way, well...sometimes. I've been working my ass off with 3 jobs, making lots of moolah so I don't have to work as much when school comes around and I'm constantly tired. The other day I pretty much had a mental breakdown and started crying for no reason. Then James had to take me home from where we were so I could basically cry in bed till 3 in the morning, lol. But all is good now! I have the next 3 weeks off from camp so that is going to be AMAZING!!! Sleeping in everyday, I'M SO EXCITED!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! I can't even explain it.

     So life with James is going good too. We actually have moments of bickering...I can't believe it!!! But that's ok. What real relationship doesn't? Just as long as it stays at a minimum, to be honest, i'm probablly the source of most of it NOT to say you aren't at fault either JAMES!!! lol. I love you babe! But yeah, I'm enjoying our relationship much better now that we live together.

     The new Target is going good. Wow do we get out so much earlier than the other Target does! It's so awesome! But the thing I don't like about it is that I have no respect there. At the other store my LOD's and team leaders knew what I could do, but here it's like, ok, lets see what she can do. I just applied for a cash office specialist position that I REALLY hope I get where I work 3 days a week for 3 hours counting money, basically...while still working in softlines. WHATEVER.

     I really need to go to the gym. I really really REALLY need to go to the gym. I haven't gone since a month before school got out. Tomorrow, hopefully, i'm going to get a gym membership at the little gym they have here at the apartments. The cool thing is that they keep it open 24/7, so I can go whenever I want. For example, it's 2 in the morning and I REALLY want to work out. I played the wii fit for 45 minutes but it's not enough! REAL....GYM!!!!!

     ok, well I'm going to head off to sleep now. Toodles!

So I just graduated high school and now, I'm moving on with my life, THANK GOD! Saturday/Sunday I'm finally moving in with James and I'm SO excited to take it to that next level and I really hope it works out . I've already been practically living over there the last few days and I love what it feels like already. Even though I have 2 jobs and am working MY ASS off I don't quite feel stressed out yet. Last week I worked about 55 hours and this week I work about the same, but next week, oh my god, next week I work 65 hours!, Yeah, NOT excited about that, but hey, REALLY good paychecks right? It'd be one thing if I was working 2 jobs that I ABSOLUTELY hate, but one job I really love (camp bayshore) and the other one I'm just numb to (target). I recently had an interview with Target because I was trying to get promoted into a specialist position. They gave me feedback yesterday and basically told me, "look, we REALLY wanted to give you the position and we would have, but your availibility was the only problem. You have REALLY outstanding interviewing skills and a really motivated knowledgable attitude and if you, at some point, have the availibility to get promoted at Target, we don't think you would have any issues pursuing that." So....I was like "sweet," I pretty much have Target rapped around my finger, lol.

Anyway, I just thought I would inform everyone on the news in Bonnie's life. Saturday I turn 18 and Broken Self has a show at the Orpheum and you MUST be there....it's my birthday, lol. Anyway, love you guys! Got to go to work!

She reminded me of how fast we're all growing up. Yeah, we're not all at the same point as her (married and expecting at 18), but maybe in a few years we will be. Just the other day I thought boys had cooties!!!

     Tomorrow is the last day of my high school career. FINALLY. I'm both ecstatic and overwhelmed, excited and confused. A new chapter in my life is finally beginning. I feel like reality is on it's way to slapping me in the face with all the force it has. Moving, college, and 2 jobs (one of those full time) all at once. Plus getting used to living on my own and realizing that I won't have the money I have when I live with mom and dad. But through all that, i'm still excited beyond belief. I feel like, compared to most of the other graduates, I have so much more coming my way. I finally get to live with my boyfriend and pursue college ON MY OWN. Mommy and daddy aren't going to be there to push me, or pay for my dorm, or make sure I turn my projects in on time. It's all on me, and I want that responsibility because I feel like, compared to most people my age, I can handle it. I want the responsibility of being an adult, I want only 4-5 hours of sleep, and I want to grow up faster than I'm expected to.

     As me and my friends enter this new chapter of our lives, I wish them the best. I hope every single one of you accomplishes something great, and I know you all will. Wherever you are going, however long you will be there, just know that you will be and always have been my true friends (Landee, Jessica, Kirsten, Emily, Sherise). I will always keep in touch with you and I hope we never lose our bonds and our contacts. Whatever life may throw at you guys, just know that I will always be there to help support you in whatever is going on. If you ever need a place to stay, I will be there for you. If you ever need advice, I will be there. If you ever need a ride, I will be there. Money...well, probably not, but I'm sure all of you guys won't need any. lol. We've practically grown up together, Kirsten I think I've pretty much known you forever, and I hope we all continue to grow closer to each other as the years progress. I miss all of you guys almost everyday. I enter my high school and sometimes, many times, wish I was still back at bayshore riding with Kirsten to school every morning and hiding out in Mrs. Fielland's room when it's cold outside. I miss going over to Emily's house after school and playing drums or making solar system diaramas for Mrs. Cole's class. I miss stalking the soda machine guy with Landee and always trying to figure out what Jessica is whispering about, or even talking about for that matter. I miss Kirsten calling me wierd names or having her dumb blonde (even though she's brunette)jokes. I miss everything pretty much. Everytime we all hang out together, I always feel like the odd ball out because I feel like I've missed out on so much. I'm not "in" with the jokes or anything. But at this time in our lives, when we are all seperating and going our own ways, I am the one who is staying put. I'll always be here at "home" in Tampa. I feel this is my chance to redeem myself and make everyone realize how much I truely do cherish your friendship. Some friendships between us may fade, and I know some will definatly not, but just know that I never want you to have to find my phone number in the online white pages. I always want to be friends with all of you and I never want to lose touch. I am only a phone call away and so are you. I am trustworthy and unconditional. I will never hold a grudge against you. You can always tell me anything and be assured that it will not leak. For some reason over the years, I feel people have been misguided by others in thinking that I am not a trustworthy person, when really I can be the most trustworthy person you will ever meet. Gossip does not phase me, and I don't care to share it to others. Your secrets are safe with me, and I would love to be a part of your world. Fitting in in high school has been my biggest challenge, because the true friends who once trusted me were somewhere else. But I am back now, and i long for that sense of feeling wanted and trusted. For all of my true friends, once again, just know that I am there for you and nothing and no one can change the way I feel about you guys.

    New experiences are about to emerge in life for not just me, but for all of my friends. Good luck with life, and remember to work hard while you're young so you can play later! I love you guys with all of my heart! Take care!

The people in this fucking high school are driving me so fucking insane. If I could, i'd skip everyday so I could not see these people. It's like, ok, Bonnie said that most high schoolers at sickles are really immature, so let's talk about how Bonnie is sooooo immature for like, 10 minutes. And then when Bonnie says, "ok, whatever you think man," continue to talk on for 5 more minutes about how immature I am. STOP FUCKING TALKING YOU HYPOCRITE! God, i'm seriously so fucking sick of everyone here because i swear they are all fucking MORONS!!!! It's completely overwhelming to feel like I'm the ONLY person at this school who actually has a sense of maturity. I seriously wish to know how some people were raised. Did these kid's parents abandom them or something, like, what the hell went on in their life?! I have 3 more weeks of school left and I CAN'T WAIT TO GET OUT OF THIS FESTERING PIT OF IDIOTIC MORONS!

ok. I've been eating better for about 4 weeks now. On Sunday, I will officially have been on this "diet" for a month. When have I EVER eaten good for a solid month?! NEVER. But I feel so god damn sexy, I think I'll keep eating like this, BECAUSE IT'S YUMMY! I eat peanut butter and jelly sandwhiches like they are the last thing on earth, but they're all natural, no high fructose corn syrup or enriched wheat flour or any of that other junk. I still have chocolate sometimes too! I finally got to move the big weight on the scale from the "150" to the "100" YAY! That's a really good feeling. AND, this may be a little bit personal, but it's the week before my period, and I'm bloated, BUT I still feel sexy!? What? How...how can that be? I have no idea....but whatever, it makes me happy =D. Let's see what I look like in one more month!

     In the last 2 weeks i’ve lost 7 pounds. Not only have I lost pounds, but i’ve lost my self-doubt. I feel fucking fantastic. How can only 7 pounds make someone feel so much better?! I’m more awake, i concentrate better in school, i’ve cut back the naps after school, i’ve been more efficient at work, and I just feel more alive. I don’t feel like i’m constantly slumping around going through everyday like it’s a drag. I just feel better, and sexy! James likes it too cause i’m not always complaining and stuff now, I’m just thinking positive. I’ve gotten back into working out all the time. I actually worked out every weekday last week, EVEN ON THE DAYS WHERE I HAD TO WORK!

    I’ve opened this new door. I feel like i’m winning in this battle against my genetics and what I thought i couldn’t do. I feel I could eat like this forever becuase it doesn’t really bother me. I like what I’m eating. I LOVE peanut butter and i’m still eating it, just without all the added crap in it. I LOVE chocolate and I’m still eating that too, just in 60 calorie pudding packs. I’ve cut my portions, BIG TIME. The other day, I went to a birthday party and had only one piece of cake! When have i ever done that!? But after those first few bites, i was like, "i’m done." Yes, i still ate the rest of the piece, but we’re taking this one step at a time ok? lol.

     Anyway, so the rest of my life is great. Me and James are doing great as well. I guess we’ve been kind of fighting a little bit lately, but I feel as if I love him more everytime i get over something. Baby, you have to know you’re not a crappy boyfriend, cause I know that’s what you think sometimes, and maybe I even think it too at the time, but I love you more than life itself, and you’re the best guy I could ever ask for or want and your perfect in my eyes. I can’t wait to start living with you and step up our relationship to that level.

     School is ok. Let’s not talk about that. I’m fucking done with high school and I’m over the bullshit. That’s pretty much it.

     Other than that, yeah. Wish me luck on my ongoing life long journey! (previous blog.)

     So the other day I made the huge mistake of trying on bikinis at Target during my lunch break. I couldn't find anything that looked cute or flatering on me, and everything was too tight, even larges. The same day, I went home and tried on the bikinis I already had. I took a good look at myself in the mirror, and probablly stood there for a good 5 minutes, and told myself, "I don't want to look like this anymore, I don't want to be like the rest of my family (sissy not included). I realized that genetics are definatly against me and I'm doomed to 1)be overweight, 2) have diabetes or 3)become crazy. So I told myself, "I have to fight this. I can do this."

     I went to the grocery store the other day and bought a bunch of new food for myself. Everything I bought was all natural and unprocessed (excpect for the organic fat free milk). Nothing I bought had the high fructose corn syrup or any of those other added ingrediants that are bad for you. I bought skinless chicken breasts and mixed veggies and all natural peanut butter and yogurt and all natural oatmeal and eggs.......and I am going to change my eating habits...FOR GOOD THIS TIME. I started doing some research about all the shit that they add into junk food and it kind of made me ask myself, "what am i doing to my body?" I know I don't look overweight, but I eat garbage. And it ended 3 days ago. I've been eating my healthy food since Saturday and I've barely eaten ANY junk food. I had one cookie last night and one tonight, BUT JUST ONE. I'm trying to ween myself off of the junk. I havn't drank any soda in a few days either, but that doesn't really bother me.

     I know I've said a thousand times before, I'm going on a diet. But this time I MEAN IT. But I'm not going on a "diet" this time, I'm CHANGING the way I eat...period. I can fight this genetic crap. My sister has and she's somewhat of an inspiration to me. My mom told me one day "If you want to diet I can help you...I know how to." I don't believe her. I know how to "diet" and it doesn't work. I know how I should eat, always, forever.....and that, from now, is my life long journey.

Probablly the only verse from the Bible that I pretty much agree with...

"Love is patient, love is kind. It does not envy, it does not boast, it is not proud. It is not rude, it is not self-seeking, it is not easily angered, it keeps no records of wrongs. Love does not delight in evil but rejoices with the truth. It always protects, always trusts, always hopes, always preserves."

I Corinthians 13:4-7

I feel that. I have love. And I don't need a diamond ring to know that....atleast not yet, lol. One day I'll have that ring and I'll wear it knowing that it probably has more truth and love in it than a lot of other people's do. Becuase they'll be wearing it for the wrong reasons, and I won't be. I have true love, which is a lot more than many married couples can say. And I feel lucky. I wake up every morning and I know that I have someone by my side taking on life with me and that will be behind me every step of the way, making sure i don't trip or fall over or get hurt. It's been over 2 years now and each day I still fall more in love with him, and I think I just might explode one day. I am his and he is mine. The End. I love you James, Happy Valentines Day.

So Christmas was awesome this year. I got a laptop some awesome speakers including a subwoofer to go with it and I'm loving it! I also got to spend time with both of my families, mine and james'. So overall, it was a great christmas, aside from being bored most of the time, lol.

My plan during Christmas break is to start planning Broken Self's first tour starting in June. I have to figure out when exactly we're going to do it, for how long, where we're going to go, how we're going to get to places (transportation) and where we are going to get a van and trailer, how much it's going to cost and a bunch of other crap. What's really stuck in my head right now is getting some good merch. Hopefully we can get The Oedipus Complex done within the next few weeks and we can send our demo cd out to get printed FOR REAL. After that we need shirts, and I think we're good to go...for now. I've been trying to come up with cool ideas to sell our product at shows also. Like a water, ocean type thing and our merch would "floating" down a river or something, and there would be like a fiberoptic river and stuff. Yeah, it's really cool in my head. ANYWAY, I'm really excited about that. I'm also excited about the fact that I have one more semester of school left before I graduate. WOO HOO! Next summer I'm also going to New York with my parents and James is coming with me! AND I want to move out....summer is going to be sooooo hectic.

Aside from all that, life is pretty good, me and James are great as always, love him more everyday =). School kind of sucks, cause, uh...I think mom might flip when she sees the report card. BUT other than that...yeah =)

Ok, so I'm copying James, but who cares.

I'm thankful for the few close friends I have: James, Landee, uh...my band...and yeah, that's about it. For my parents who have always supported me. For being in the public school system. For being in an incredible band. For food on the table everynight. For my car that has never let me down. And last but not least, I thank god that this is my last year of high school! WOO!!!

I love my boyfriend. I have the best guy in the world.

So for our two year anniversary, James got me a live DVD of AFI which was fucking amazing and a guitar necklace to replace my old one that I dearly loved which broke. And then last night he took me out to this small romantic dinner at a place called Gio's and there were candles and flowers on the table and it was so romantic.

So reflecting on our two years, I wouldn't change anything about it. Yeah, there are those times that suck, but all of it makes us closer in the end. I hope there are many more years to come and I know there will be. I LOVE YOU JAMES!!!