i dont make it a habit to talk about celebrities and i am also not going to make it a habit but two things have come up latley that i find interesting.....

chris brown: what an asshole. allright , he beats up his girlfriend and comes out with a record. not only that but theres other contribuitors on it. i wouldnt want near him. no way. chris said he wants to tell his side of the story. well , if he wants to do that then go on a talk show or something. this shouldnt be put into song or for entertainment and no one should have to pay for it either. i dont know if he is but he should take all the money he makes and give it to Womensafe or something.

ron artest: this dude has all kinds of problems on the basketball court with other players, well , frankly everybody. he just came out saying at halftime during games he would go to a convienant store and but beer or liquer. no wonder why hes a good defensive player, he might think its a brawl or not know where he is. lol

i think iam going to go on the Subway Diet for a few weeks/month to lose some weight and start working out again immediately after and loading up on all kinds of nutrients and stuff to gain everything back again. the weight thing is pretty good but i dont like all the fat weighing me down. i weight about 188-192. it fluctuates daily. i want to weight about 210 or a little or or a little less. i think iam going to skip all the crap food from christmas coming up. it doesnt really matter cause i am not a big junk food eater. never was. i think it sounds like a plan. lol.....

i am not sure what happened the past week or two but my brain is doing some strange things latley. i am looking at things a lot diffrently latley. harken back to about 12 years old. yes, very strange. back when i had impeckable manners and taste. i just hope the beast of a temper doesnt come with it. oh and i am listening to a lot of soundtrack movie music latley. weird.....

everyone has something. well most people. weather they know it or not. doesnt matter the significance. growing up (getting older. hehe), i am noticing iam just loosing everything, not gaining. friends, family, physical and mental attributes. it seems the trend is to have a family and blow up the outside world. the trend has been going on throughout time. it just hasnt applied to me till i became over 22 or maybe a bit older. what makes everyone want a family or have a significant other or kids? from what i can gather it seems theres pretty much only two options that you have when maturing that can either be seperate or overlaping : family and/or carrer. i mean, boiling it down, those are your two options. thats it. usually family overtakes the carrer as i can see most people on "social networking sites" are eager to say something like "my kids and my wife come first", or something to that extent. if you know me or read this bullshit, you know im an introvert and not a people person so i cant justify having sex and being fulfilled for a brief moment then having people up in yo grill 24 hours a day and having to get a second job that you probably dont like to keep that joyous feeling for the rest of your life or maybe just until the kids are old enough to move out. the laughing, the teaching, the ass wiping, the crying, the smiles, the steps taken over time, just doesnt seem worth it to me. i guess what iam saying is, i dont understand the concept of wanting a family and all that stuff. i dont get it. being that i dont get it, i lose and everyone forms there own little thing and i am left with seeing people from my past. i usually hear " i dont know what happened or how, it just happened.". no , it doesnt just happen. kids and a significant other dont just happen. bad things JUST HAPPEN, not families. i dont get it.....

14 hours of sleep. thats not the strange part. i am trying to figure out who slipped me the acid.....

                  its just tottaly mind blowing the dreams i had. so vivid. i had these dreams i havent had in about 15-20 years ranging from my ages between 7-12 years old. which means i was dreaming about old dreams from dreams i had when i was young.
                       
                             i dont know if that makes sense but, it sure does to me. they say when you dream, its only for a short time but it seems a long time but, i was (in real-time) waking up for a few minutes every , i would imagine 3 hours or so. i dreamed about people i havent seen since i was a kid, people that were dead, good and bad experiences, and re-dreamed dreams i had when growing up. i am trying now to remember and document the ones i remembered. the short versions.....

                                     the score cards: when i was a kid, computers werent like they are now obviously. my mom bought me a book that if you were able to re-write all kinds of commands into any computer you would have full greenscreen video games. i got the book back. and i was copying them into my ATARI XEGS that at the time was supposed to rival the nintendo but it had a keyboard and other tools that werent useable until they finished the system. (i dont know why the fuck you would make a system that wasnt finished yet but whatever.) i played all kinds of games on my tv in my room with my little black and white from the 70s. (that was one of my 1st tvs in my room) the book was like 200 pages thick but in 1986-87 (in my dream) i was about 25 or so. there was also a game with SCORE baseball cards. i cant remember how to play it now but i dont remember how it went but it co-insided with being outside for some reason. my room and outside were as exactally as i remember everything from when i was 7 or 8. this dream was fuzzy.....

                                 the bus trip: this dream was weird to say the least because when i played tee ball, all the games were in the morning and it was generally hazy from the dew and the smoke rising from the fields in the spring and early summer. it remaind that way for days for some reason. i was in my baseball uniform and was stuck outside MUNSON elementary for most of the dream. i remember being on a bus and having conversation with other kids in my class and coming back to school and they built all kinds of new floors and levels onto the building but i couldnt get in. it was getting hotter outside and hazier for some reason. i was finally let in by a girl i had a crush on when i was a kid at the door where we would have to line up at after recess. i walk in and everyone is grown up. all the kids were grown ups and still in elementary classes as regular grown ups . i was in my baseball uniform wandering in and out of classes and afraid of going into the higher grade classes.....i think i know what this dream is about.

                           more rooms: this dream i have been having a lot latley but in diffrent situations. there is one more room past my moms room in the old house on 322. in actuallity it doesnt exist but in the dream i am either trying to get into it because i didnt know it was there or i am in it and there are all kinds of people and games from roof to ceiling and the room is about 4 times bigger than the whole place we actually lived in. i also think i know where this dream is coming from too.....

              the jeffersons: i would dream about the show the jeffersons and there living space a lot when i was a kid for some reason. i dont know what this one is about, though i remember the furniture like it was my own. the fabric and everything.....
      
                           b.o.m.w.t.k.a. :what set of sequenced mans dream would be complete without the the obligitory sex dream? of course i cant explain this one too much with out a few of my friends on myspace knowing who iam talking about and ridiculing me to no end. of course it wasnt normal coming from my mind. it involved someone from my very distant past and a bit of espianoge. very strange stuff.....i would say i did not have a latency period until i turned 12.lol. i didnt give a shit when i was a kid. i loved women and i would try with any girl that i fancied no matter what age. then i got older and my balls shrunk, but thats a diffrent kind of story.....

                                one more story.....the seafood: for some reason i was in a diffrent country and everyone either spoke french or mexicanos and they all only knew a few english phrases in this whole area of this may-or-may-not-be- existing country. the parents all died when the country flooded into the sea (which one?) and i had to help the kids safely with there baseball cards across an open sea that was about 3 feet deep. after i taught them a bunch of english terms , the dream fades with me in a seafood restraunt where i bump into a slew of people from my past and some of which are dead. in this part of the dream i am instantly older ( the age iam stuck in now ) . all of the situations are very odd and embarassing like a super morbid Larry David show but i have one thing to save me in the conversations:i showed them the scars where i was stabbed in the neck twice with huge blades , on either sides of my face the previous week where they miraciously healed up pretty good.

                        i hope you didnt read all of this. its too long though i really could have told you everything and made a book like a Stephen King with a labotomy gone wrong.....i just need to get my barrings together and make some sence of this or go back to sleep for a year or two and save myself from a life of counseling.....

life is failure and you were born to it. water, calcium , protein all a perfect concoction of sand in a never beginning and never ending (w)hole. thrown to wolves to tare apart at inception. never knowing where it began. all that you have is fleeting. all that you have is a memory until the end. you were given a gift of an empty box that will never be filled. filled till you are withered old shell with memories erased from time itself and left with a life forgotten to even your own mind. i pitty the young.....

upon meeting someone after they made a mistake, i dont turn around and call someone a fucking asshole. thats just not in my nature. of course it depends on the severity but, i think you get it, or do you? maybe not. usually not. oh well, if you didnt , i can run it by you again if you would like to learn more. probably not because you allready had your mind made up. thats too bad. there could have been something there that you didnt see. maybe you didnt care too. who knows. but since you made a desicion to cut everything out, you might not know what could have been. you just dont know.....

during, occuring, before or after.cant remember.
give me directions to you i have to ask you to find me.
my self image is failing me like a devil becming new.
i have only one reason to breathe for the summer of a new

iam a fucking loser peice of shit.....

i said i wouldnt make this blog private but now i have to.

i dont mind if people read my thoughts but i really dont think bands and the like really want to hear my rants so if you want to read you have to subscribe.....