I really am.
No more, and I mean it this time.
I have even written a little song about it.
You will also see, below that, that I have written a little song called -Get Down With Your Guilty Self-. I think you will dig it, dear non-reader.

And you will also notice dear non-reader that we are getting close to 100 songs. You are probably wondering what will come next, and indeed, so was I, until this morning when the answer came to me. You know, I thought we were going to write another 100 songs, and that may happen also, but the next project after the 100 songs (and song 98 is half-written already dear non-reader) will be....But I will unveil the great plan at another time.

You will dig it though, dear non-reader. In the meantime, hear are the new songs:

97. God, I..m So Sick Of Selling Cocaine

God I..m so sick of selling cocaine
You think it..s glamorous? Good lord it..s such a pain
It..s so bloody empty I really can..t take
I just don..t know how much longer I can fake it

Myth ..1: The drug sells itself
False! Why do you think they have marketing departments?
And you can..t just be saying, come on, let..s get high
No, you need an elaborate matrix of lies
The latest thing they..re saying is it..s good for digestion
That..s right, buy cocaine, and fart up a maelstrom
And for the kids you have to sell it through the pediatricians
You give the doctor a kickback for each prescription

God I..m so sick of selling cocaine
I..ve got to get out, I..m going insane
I..m going to marry the next rich girl that I find
And leave this stupid business behind

And where are the good leads? This rolodex is ancient!
These people are dead now, or they..ve moved on to heroin
And you know what else is frustrating..you..ve heard of this
Public enemy ..1: National Do Not Call List!
And then, you make a sale, the paperwork goes on for ages
The extended service warrantee alone is several pages
Then the office scrapes points off the commission
It..s so wrong! I swear this business is full of corruption

Yes hello, this is Jan Helmut calling with the information you request about the latest products from International Cocaine Cartel Limited? Oh you didn..t request any information? Well, can I ask you how you are enjoying your latest delivery of International Cocaine..I see you received a shipment on..what, you never received it? Oh, you never ordered it! Well forgive me, these computers are so unreliable..but listen, Mr. Von Schnitzel, I know that you..re a busy man..very busy, yes..so I..m going to get right to the point..I am certain that you would be very interesting in some excellent opportunities for International Cocaine investment OR personal use! Can I put you down for a meeting on, say Thursday at 11? An opportunity like this doesn..t come around every day, you know and I..m sure..what? Hello?

It makes me nostalgic for the go-go 80s
Cocaine was the love drug, they had it at all the parties
And then there was the crack..talk about easy money
You just rent a dirty warehouse and the crack-heads come running
Now they say it..s all going on though the internet
So I set up a website but how the hell do you promote it?
And the kids all do the ..meth.. now, they..re into the ..Viagra..
It..s a bad fucking time to be Manuel Noriega

God I..m so sick of selling cocaine
The joy is gone, all that..s left is the pain
You try to rock the rock to the top of the mountain
Then you find out the rock..s made out of talcum
It..s just so much not very fun
Yes the cocaine and I: we are done
Yes I mean it, this time we are done.

96. Get Down With Your Guilty Self

Gita asks me if I love her I say yes, I have to lie
Of course I..m just with her for the sex and good times
But the good times are starting to take their toll
Tonight we..ll have to let the bad times roll

Get down with your guilty self, (your bad guilty self)
You..ve got to open the gates to your own personal hell
Get down with your guilty self, come on get down
Shake your guilty self on down to the ground

Carla has been dead now for more than a year
At her funeral I made a show of acting sincere
But I really don..t miss her I..m not going to lie
I just feel bad for feeling glad that she died

Chorus

Bridge:
The broken promises, the flat-out lies
The artificial sincerity, the secrets on the side
The betrayals, deceptions, back-stabbings, seductions
The anger, the beatings, the murders and executions

I was sleeping with Berta I moved into her apartment
Soon I found the drawer where the credit cards were kept
At first I charged a little then a little bit more
But I stopped..I might be a thief, but I ain..t no whore

Okay, dear non-reader, here are 2 more songs bringing our total for this year to 95. The second song you wll notice, is an ode to the latest piece of non-working technology brought to you some time in the future by the evil empire known as Microsoft.

You will dig it and understand dear non-reader, that if Ja! is desperate for money, sex, food and love, but especially money, and consequently if anyone needs a song custom written to their particular agenda, Ja will do its best to oblige.

Those of you who do not admire Microsoft will appreciate that Ja's attitude toward this product is not actually all that enthusiastic!

Those of you who work in the Microsoft marketing department may contact us directly to find out how you can purchase the rights to the recording to use for you evil uses!

The microsoft song is number 94. It is at the bottom of the page, dear non-reader, if you are not capable of reading that far down, you may skip down to where you see the number "94" written.

Keep it rockng dear non-reader.

95. It Takes A Real Man To Dress Like A Girl

It takes a real man to dress like a girl
It takes balls to get up in your ermines and pearls
If you want to rule the world you..ve got to push your pride aside
Get in touch with your masculine side

Sometimes I like to pretend that I am my own mother
Yelling at myself because I..ve been a bad boy
I put on my skirt, ja, my legs are quite nice
I put on the lipstick and speak in a high voice
Sometimes I am so naughty I must spank myself
I..m sorry mother, yes I need to be punished
Yes you..ve been very bad, you must be beaten
Then I get out the paddle and I take care of business

Chorus

And you, you think you..re strong, so tell me, why all the armor
You hide in the labyrinth of masculine accessories
You follow men..s fashion..an abominable oxymoron!
Those who follow it are delusional, and sissies!
So you put on a suit, you conformist suckling piglet
You..re a monkey not a man, tell me, where is your organ?
Nice tie though, ja, it looks very expensive
No doubt useful for autoerotic asphyxiation

Chorus

Bridge:
And so I put on the dress..ah yes
After all it is best...not to repress
What the men don..t know little girls understand
Don..t mess around or I..ll slap you with the back of my hand
Bag

Chorus

94. Microsoft Commercial

J: Ah look now, what have we here?
U: A little musical device you can stick in your ear
J: Ja, so what, what..s the killer application?
U: You can beam your little songs, from station to station
J: Ah, hi-tech! Tell me, Ulrich, how does it work?
U: Well, Jan, you push the button, and the songs goes ..squirt...
J: Okay, squirt, squirt..what the hell is wrong?
U: I think first you have to have a song.

J: Okay, how..s this?
Chorus:
Here..s a little song for your mp3 player (good start!)
You hear it right now and you..ll be singing it later (so catchy!)
And with this player you can share with the greatest of ease (squirt.)
Spread it around like a disease

J: I dedicate this song to the gearheads at Microsoft
Those guys really know exactly what they..re doing
U: Ja, competing with the ipod is a smart thing to do!
J: I just threw mine away! U: Ja, I did too!
J: So Ulrich, what..s this thing called, does it have a name? U: Ja,
Zune............J: Oh.........Lame......U: Ja.
J: Well let..s take our little zunes and squirt our little song
U: We..ll get everyone to sing our little song!
Repeat Chorus

Bridge:
J: As an unsigned artist I can really appreciate
The way technology helps the music to disseminate
U: But once we get huge we..re going to sue every last one of you
J: Metallica did it, just watch, we..ll do it too!!
(Metallica-esque guitar solo)

J: Well come on now people what the hell are you listening to?
U: Bad music downloaded from someone else..s computer
J: Is it jazz, is it rap? You look like you..re rocking
U: Or are you just pretending you can..t hear when I..m talking?
(Stop music)
person with headphones: What? J+U: Exactly.
(start music)
J: So now just like caveman days we..ll sing the same songs
It..s community, not conformity, come on now, play along
U: Take this stupid song, see, and squirt it to your friends
J: You..ll see, the fun never ends!

We have been busy, but we will still complete 100 songs before the end of the year. Furthermore, we will write 100 more next year. JA! That is the way! Also we will complete 3 cds next year, at least! Maybe 4! You will see, dear non-reader, JA! will take over the world!

In the meantime, here are lyrics for 3 new songs. Each beautiful in its own way. Keep it rocking dear non-reader!

93. Wedding Song

So you..re getting married, to the one you are adoring
Maybe this will put an end to your habit of whoring
And hopefully this marriage will last longer than the last one
Maybe this time you have learned not to get caught with your pants down

Chorus:
Ah love, love, love..it..s all about
Love, love all the time, love is dreary and unkind
Love is greedy love is cruel, a never ending duel
Love is angry love is irritable love can..t wait
Love lies love cheats love steals love hates
Love is pain and suffering love wins lover loses
Loves finds victims wherever love chooses
Love counts its victories, eins svie drie, fier
Love rejoices in revenge and then ends...in tears

So soon we will see if love lies or delivers
If altar alters nature and makes saint out of sinner
Does love turn fertilizer into a flower
Or does love take the bridesmaid to the shower for an hour?

That is the question.

Bridge;
Love is vicious, love is vain, love is jealous
Love is boastful, love is proud, and discourteous
Love is selfish love is angry and acerbic
Loves lies and rejoices love is perfect

Well now here..s the ring but party isn..t over
After all what can you expect from Casanova
The bitter accusations but it..s ..now, listen honey
I married you not for the sex but for the money!..

92. Can I Take Your Picture?

Can I take your picture? Can I take your picture?
I want to always remember This moment forever
So won..t you smile for the camera It will bring us together
Come on don..t be a stranger Let me take your picture

Well look at all these people in the city
Where do they come from and where do they go
Everyone seems to be a concealing a secret
That they really want to tell but never do though
And here look at your, is your heart all broken
And you seem to have lost your legs, lady
And you like to shout at people in a loud voice
And you look you..re going to have a baby

Chorus

Now here we are, downstairs in the subway
Pretending to not look at one another
Here you have your ipod to play bad music
Or maybe it is teaching you your killing mantra
Look you..ve got a camera that..s better than mine
I bet you can use it to make little movies
Take a picture of me taking a picture of you
Ah, now that is intimacy!

Chorus

Going back through my old photo collection
Look here I am as a little baby
Here..s my mother, my father, my sister, me
Oh look here it is, the end of being happy
Here I am in college nice hairstyle, wow
Here..s some ex-girlfriends, and others
Here..s my first child, dear little bear
Here he is again trying to kill his baby brother

91. Foxy Booty Shaking Lady

Here comes the lady ..
Walking on down the street ..
Shaking her booty ..
Growling at every guy she meets ..

Hey lady ..
Won't you come and shake your booty my way ..
Hey lady, o booty shaking lady ..
Won't you come on over and play, ja, ja, ja ..

Here comes the lady ..
Walking up funky broadway ..
In her high-heeled hunting boots, ja ..
She's out hunting for her funky hombre ..

Hey lady ..
Won't you turn your bow and arrow my way ..
Hey lady, o foxy, foxy booty shaking lady ..
I know some good hunting games we can play ..

When the lady is out ..
And she's looking for love ..
You just cannot stand in her way ..
The firemen and policemen they must all step aside ..
For the booty shaking lady ..
Has the right of way ..
Shake the booty through the night, shake the booty through the day ..

Here comes that lady one more time now ..
You can tell you can't be tamed ..
With her high-heeled booty shaking boots now ..
And her brain all full of cocaine ..

Hey lady, o booty shaking lady ..
Won't you come on over and share the bon bons ..
Hey lady, o foxy foxy booty shaking lady ..
Come on over so we can ..
Get it on

Ja!

Dear non-reader:

Song number 90. I think you will relate, you weak-minded channel-surfer.

90. Someone To Hurt

So the one who hurt you is gone..that..s sad
And this after he hurt you oh so bad
He hurt you and hurt you and hurt you again
And now that he..s gone what will you do with your pain

You need someone to hurt
You need someone to hurt
You need someone to hurt
You need someone to hurt

You hear it tick tick and no one else knows
It won..t be long yeah until it explodes
Try to act normal but you can..t maintain it
Sex won..t release it, drugs can..t contain it

You need someone to hurt...

Violence and anger pound in your head
The cycle must repeat you must play out the thread
The one who hurt you is gone, gone
But the hurt lives on lives on lives on

You need someone to hurt...

Pain begets pain, hurt begets hurt
Now you need a victim to make this work
You must turn it around, this rage inside
You must pass it along to keep it alive

You need someone to hurt...

The sad thing is if you only had faith
In your heart Jesus Christ could take your place
Look at the sick hippie nailed to the board
Hate him and spit on him that..s what he..s there for
But you can..t see him and he can..t see you
So your little reality is going to destroy you

Yes, that's right, you procrastinating time-murdering fool, I am addressing you!

Look at my eyes when I speak to you!

Here is the subject of today's blog:

WORK.

You see, dear non-reader, I, like you, have gotten NOTHING done at work today, but UNLIKE YOU, I have managed, while stealing the valuable time resource from my employer, to WRITE A HIT SONG.

And while the music part is not yet written down EXCEPT RIGHT HERE, IN MY MIND, I can assure you that once you hear the song, you too will wonder WHERE YOU CAN PURCHASE the CD.

ACTUALLY, I TAKE THAT BACK, dear non-reader, for not only are you a pretentious asshole, you are also a NOTORIOUS CHEAPSKATE, who would rather cultivate mediocrity for free, rather than purchase a work of genius for $9.99.

BUT WHY I am I bothering to tell you this? YOU ALREADY KNOW THIS!!

Anyway, in case you are just visiting for the first time dear non-reader, JA! is in the process of writing the FIRST 100 songs for 2006. Expect another 100 for 2007. And may I remind any of you skeptics who have been turning in earlier, that ALL THE SONGS ARE GOOD? There is no FILLER here. There is no rambling poetic bullshit with acoustic guitars and fairy ass prissy nonsense like that.

No, no.

Right, that's enough of that. So without further pyschobabble, here, today is song ..88.

88. Work, Work, It..s Always Work

Please may I show to you my lovely little cubicle
The centerpiece here is the non-working computer
I have a little phone here which rings, hello?
Ah great it..s the bossperson assigning new orders

And this here is the chair where I sit my ass down
And avoid getting anything done
These are the lovely people that I work with
And don..t they just look like a barrel of fun?

O it..s work, work, yes it..s always work
You work and work and then you work some more
Wake up and work, yes get moving my friends
You can bang your head and clap your hands
For it..s work that sets you free my friends
Make work your one true desire
In the meantime I have some good news for you
Yes, that..s right, you..re fired.

One of these days I..m going to clean out this place
Look I have papers here from 1999
Wait what time is it it..shit, I have a meeting
Hopefully as usual they won..t start on time

Now look, here we are, all around the table
What shall we talk about today, HMMM?
Who would like to start with an annoying story
About the work you have to do and the suffering and pain

And blah blah blah, yes thank you that was fascinating
Now let..s get on to the business at hand
We..ll need 50,000 ball bearings by Tuesday
And for the next 2 hours let..s all discuss the plan

O it..s work, work, yes it..s always work....

Back to my desk, agh, I feel so sleepy
Let..s go out and get an expensive cup of coffee
First to the elevator hello fellow workers
Nobody talk, you..ll upset the authorities

Ah free at last, who wants to have a smoke
Disgusting habit I..ve been meaning to quit
Look at all these tourists out here on the street
Don..t you people have jobs, get back to your desks!

And now for the most pretentious coffe on earth
Yes the double whip carmel german lattte no cover
Ah you fool, I said HALF decaf
You..re going to have to start over and make me another

And back to my desk all fired up and crazy
Where the hell were the instructions I was supposed to follow
Ah this is all such a supreme waste of time
I..m going home this crap can wait until tomorrow

O it..s work, work, yes it..s always work....

I don't know. Do I have time to figure out anything? I am too busy procrastinating.

Here is song ..87

87. Last Call, People!


It..s getting later and later my friends
The effects of the drinking should be in full force
And look who you..ve come with, it..s time to leave of them
Get off your ass and get on your horse

Love, love, the battlefield calls
Put on your armor and take up your reins
This is no time for the timid and meek
Embrace the beautiful embrace the strange

Chorus:
And soon we will go, marching into the night
Chased into darkness by the demons above
Bound together now, two by two
Parted from life, devoured by love

You are awkward and clumsy, that much is clear
You..re a batsman swinging wildly at air
Your personal appearance leaves much to be desired
But that, dear friend, is of no concern here

It is time, it is time, it is time for romance
So open your eyes, and see what you see
Open your mouth and speak, you fool
Float like a butterfly sting like a bee

Chorus

O your life is so full of tragedy
Everything bad has happened to you
But this is no time to sulk in your shell
Let go, let go, this will never do

Approach, circle, survey, attack
You may have to bypass the army of friends
Think, what would Stevie Marriot do
Your moment is nigh, you must make the love happen

Chorus

Well, here we are, dear non-reader, the first stop of our East of East Berlin tour.

Hamburg is just as I pictured it, when I looked at pictures on the internet.

It looks like this:

..

No, wait, that is actually a picture of Ulrich and Jan in the studio.

Anyway, dear non-reader, here is a song about Hamburg. More info about the tour later. And the full tour details are coming soon.

86. John Lennon

Well, now I understand that you think my girl is just so wonderful
And you might be right, but I just can..t seem to find the time or the feelings to let it show
But I know you know understand yourself for with your own girl you can..t be true
You keep her hanging around, keep telling her lies, but what else can you do

And yes it..s sad but it..s beautiful to be out late on the streets bundled up against the wind
Drinking and laughing, and eating amphetamines just like mentholated breath mints
When love is long and sad journey to nowhere there is nothing like a friend
Another night of whoring in the streets of Hamburg with John Lennon

The girls on the club are very flirtatious that..s the generosity of the cocaine
Half of them underage half of them beautiful and all of them halfway insane
It..s all very well to be investing the money in a in the wasteland of a stripper..s waistband
But it..s a bad idea to try to take it back, we better run before the bouncer kicks our heads in

Yes it..s a night of magic
A respite from the tragic
Soon we..ll see the sun
Soon it will all be done

And what have you done to destroy the world and how do you hope to survive
Taking on neo-nazi punks with your poetry and walking away alive
Commiserating with the policeman about how far this place has fallen
It..s another night of whoring in the streets of Hamburg with John Lennon

Keep it rocking dear non-reader

That's right you idiot motherfuckers.
Ja! is coming to your little village to make trouble and also to rock.
Stay tuned for tour dates, and of course more importantly the tour diary.

And in the meantime, here is a little song about how PEOPLE fuck up EVERYTHING, especially music, and THAT IS WHY, my little friends, it is so IMPORTANT to BUY JA!'s CD.

It is not actually available yet, but it will be soon.

In the meantime, check this out.


85. People Are Bad For Everything Good

Here you are, surrounded by people
Isnt it great to be among friends
Were all so happy together, arent we?
But wait, the experience is not complete
No. Listen, do you hear that?
Thats music, lalalala. Great.
But dont you agree it would sound so much better
Without all these stupid people here!

People are bad for music!
Youve got to feel it with the inside of your brain
Youve got to get down with your stereo headphones
In a dark, dark room where the music is playing
When youre beautifully lonely and stoned
Yes music is only worthwhile when you are alone

Now lets pretend that I have a giant amplifier
And I plug in a giant guitar
And I play it so loud the whole neighborhood can hear it
Wow, what an awful experience for everyone
Furthermore, what if an entire band were here
Blasting away like a jackhammer
We could all get drunk and pretend we were having
A religious experience. Freak out!

Bands are the very worst thing for music!
Youve got to feel it with the inside of your brain
Youve got to get down with your stereo headphones
In a dark, dark room where the music is playing
When youre elegantly lonely and stoned
Yes music is only worthwhile when you are alone

And look at these people theyre on a first date
Good luck having a second one
And these people here, they have no one to love
They came out in a group of so-called friends
But who will be your friend when the night is over
When youre spinning drunkenly on your bed
Your ears are still ringing from horrible band
Youve got to get on your headphones and play the songs again!

People are bad for everything good!
Youve got to feel life, with the inside of your brain
When your head is spinning and youre on your own
In a dark, dark room where the music is playing
When youre magically lonely and stoned
Yes life is only worthwhile when you are alone

That's right people.
Keep it rocking dear non-reader.

Whatever, dear non-reader.

84. So Much In Life Is Bad

If you had a favorite hairstyle when you were 15
A look you always wanted to achieve
Then once you have found it you must keep it forever
You must never change the way you wear your hair

If there was a cut to your favorite pair of jeans
Tight to show the shape of your ass
You must always wear your jeans in that way
If fact it is best to wear the same pair

Chorus:
For there is so much in life that is bad, bad, bad
When you find something good you must hold on
Dont let fashion change who you are
You must be true to your heart and be strong
Yes be true to your heart and be strong

And the girl that you loved when you were 15
Though she did not ever know your name
You must keep her picture with you always
Her sweet memory will never be damaged or changed

And the parks where you played when you were little
You must return to them at least once a year
Swing on the swings; slide down the slide
Though your heart may be shattered still some good remains

Chorus, except:
Dont let time change who you are

When youre sleeping on the bus on the way home from work
In a city that you hardly even know
When you walk into your empty and smelly apartment
And say I will clean this place, perhaps tomorrow

And you go back to work with your idiot computer
To serve the people you despise
Youve got to hold on tight to what you remember
Memory is the molecule that keeps you alive

For there is so much in life that is bad, bad, bad
When you find something good you must hold on
Dont let fashion change who you are
You must be true to your heart and be strong