There are some days that you just wake up happy. Your eyes open up to a sky that’s just a bit bluer than the day before…. Breezes feel crisper…. Flowers look prettier… all that sappy crap. It’s something you’re not really hip to until someone mentions that you look different or you’re talking differently or you’re smiling more often. When you reach the point that you’re aware of all the changes, you don’t mind. You like it. Love it even. Pessimism is so easy to get sucked into, but optimism is so much easier when you’re mid-swing.

   Apparently, I’m different.

   According to my roommates, that is…. And Tyler/Ricky…. But mostly my roommates.

   After much denial and a significant amount of blushing, I guess I see it too. I guess….
Things are changing. If you’re at all close to me you know about my utter abhorrence for talking on the phone with people. It’s just irritating to me. There have only been a select few individuals who have broken that tendency. You just so happen to be one of them. I could spend hours on the phone with you….and that’s saying something.

   One of the traits I’ve been vehemently denying (and will continue to deny) is the physical change in me when ever you’re involved. On the phone, in the room, the subject of the conversation…. Supposedly my voice raises an octave and I get all flirty and…. Whatever, I don’t believe it. Simply doesn’t sound like me…. Maybe.

   I guess what I’m trying to say is that I really like this guy. You’ll be hard pressed to get me to admit that again, because I hate feeling vulnerable, especially after the whole Amber situation. I don’t want to go through that again. For anybody. That ordeal changed a lot for me. Changed my enthusiasm to open up to people, the way I perceive words and actions, and most of all the ease with which I trust people. I can’t stand it, but I have to be honest. I don’t trust easily. Not at all. It’s not inconceivable really. The chick who threw the punches is off and running while I’m still in the corner licking my wounds.

   I don’t trust you. I’m sorry. I just don’t.
   Words mean a lot to me. I’m a linguist, words are how I work. And for you to use your words so loosely is really quite baffling to me. When I say things, I follow through with actions that back them up. You don’t seem to follow the same logic. I will not wait in your pocket while you try-out all your other options. I will not. Either you like me or you don’t. Stop it with the bullshit. You’re a great guy, an amazing guy. And you might even be the better guy… I just don’t want to deal with instability and indecisiveness. It’s not cute. It’s irritating and it’s worrying.

   You’ve had chances. And you’ve blown off all of them. I don’t know what to say. I can’t be soft anymore. This is how I got myself hurt with the whole Amber/Nate situation. And I’m not going to be the one who lets history repeat itself.

   Just a note….   To those of you who are reading this, my advice for interpretations would be to read carefully. People have a habit of assuming things are about them when in reality they just don’t know enough about me to realize who or what it is I’m actually talking about. So don’t freak out and try relating every thing I’ve written to be some kind of secret rant about you. Good or bad. Now, get over yourself. Please :)

   On a lighter note….

   Life’s a simple complication nowadays. To put it simply: I know what I want. I want that rabbit out in ....Homewood..... I don’t mind the distance. And that’s different… any other guy I would’ve waved goodbye to long ago. However, I’m afraid it bothers him :( But I like him. I like him a lot. We’ll see how things go, I suppose…
   It’s freezing in my room right now... and I need some blankets to cuddle with. So I’ll cut this short.

Haha, Short…. Right.

xoxo

   I was never keen on double standards, especially when the person dishing them out is capable of so much more than something like that. I don’t know if I’ve done the right thing. After all I’ve decided that I want to be with the boy nobody was rooting for. The underdog. I took some time to think about it by myself, free from influence… of outside opinion. I believe I was wrong about being lied to. At least in my personal deductions, I do. Not to say I won’t be treading lightly. I’m cautious, for obvious reasons.

   At first, I thought the viewpoints from my friends would be helpful, I really did. But the reaction I got from someone I felt I trusted and respected really surprised me. And to be honest it stung me a little. It hurt. It really did. Here was someone who had found themselves in a remarkably similar situation (minus some starkly contrasted details), but was shocked at a certain facet of my personality he had no idea existed. Maybe it shocked him because he really doesn’t know me that well. And maybe he doesn’t know me that well because he’s never bothered to get to know me any deeper than the basics. But that’s beside the point… really our situations were very similar. Except I didn’t lie. I didn’t bend the truth ever so slightly so as to keep my tail out of the fire. I didn’t play the whole bait and switch game that I’ve become far too familiar with over the last few months. If anything your situation was the more shocking of the two. Not to say mine was innocent, because I can plainly say it wasn’t. But I’m not perfect, and I know you’re not either; no one is, so I let it go. You didn’t know her. You knew her façade, but that’s something you didn’t discover until it was much too late, unfortunately. So please, sweetheart, please don’t tell me what you did was any different from what I did. Don’t. You’re the only person who’s made me question my ability to read people. I realize body language is important, but sweetie whatever you’re trying to say doesn’t make any sense. When I tell you I miss you, it’s because I miss you. I just wish I could take your words at face value too, rather than a kinda-sorta-not-really….ish type translation. I’ve all but given up on any possibility of the two of us, but that doesn’t mean it doesn’t bother me. Doesn’t mean I don’t think about it from time to time. I don’t think I’ll get any sort of response to this. No phone call, no text, no nothin’. If anything I’ll get a message telling me to cool my jets, but that’s about it. In a way that would give me the answer I’m looking for. If he’s angry with me, he won’t tell me. If it makes him sad, he won’t tell me. If he gets anything out of it besides “oh shut up Tegan”…. He won’t say anything. I don’t like silence, especially in the areas that count. But really in this situation silence is the loudest answer I could possibly get.

   At some point you get tired of trying. You get tired of making an effort. And when it feels as though the other half isn’t putting in anything remotely similar to their share, it’s discouraging. And it’s a bigger emotional turn off than anything out there. I don’t like exhausting myself and wasting my emotions on someone who really doesn’t care. I really did like you. Very much so, actually… But you don’t care. You have her now, so I moved on. And I fell for him because you let me. Funny thing is you were the one guy I fell for that broke my seemingly endless cycle of jerks. You drive me nuts sometimes, but I still have this soft spot for you that won’t go away. I thought you were different. I was hoping you were different. It would appear I was wrong, wouldn’t it?

   Then again, am I really wrong? Maybe you are different. Maybe you are the break in the chain I need. But it’s not my decision. That’s the crazy thing about life: you never know. God’s got a multitude of realizations waiting to be found by poor, little over-thinkers like myself. Of course if I keep veering off on tangents about adorable trombone players I’m never going to get there.

   So I digress… My most recent Monday made me appreciate the little things. I spent the day with my roomies going to breakfast, doing laundry (which, by the way, my new detergent made my pillows smell like heaven in a bag), and watching a movie. Simple things that didn’t involve drama or work for once. It made me think about the way things are right now, and I realized… I’m content. I don’t want to work as much anymore, and if that means I have to cut back on the things I buy, then that’s perfectly fine. What do I really need? Gas, tuition, phone. C’est fin. If I have extra, yay J If not, oh well. I’ve got friends.

   I like Jeff. No secrets there. But I don’t think he likes hearing that out right. It makes him uncomfortable, which kind of sucks, because I’m a naturally affectionate person. Funny thing is it doesn’t bother me. There are things he does that would bother me if Tom had done it or if Kyle had done it, but with him it’s just another part of him I enjoy getting to know. He’s a romantic, whether he wants to admit it or not. The subtle, 50’s romantic that shows up in the places he takes me on dates and the random things he says. Case and point: Tuesday when I said “My hair looks jacked up…I look jacked up.” His response? “No way, you’re beautiful.” He’s the one who’s spoken up, and followed through on what he said. He doesn’t care that I’m not skinny. He doesn’t care that I’m not….. the perfect physical example, shall we say...

He likes me. Exactly how I am…  That’s worth a whole helluva lot more than a “we’ll see”.

   School is going great. I love my classes! This morning in Music App. we listened to 25 or ..6 to 4.., Money, and Take 5… simply awesome. Acting 1 is gonna be a lot of fun. IDS is pretty entertaining. And Chorale is…. Just interesting so far. I’m starting work on Pie Jesu for my voice recital… along with Plaisir d’Amour and some other Italian songs. I’m auditioning for the play o.0 terrified… but auditioning. Science kinda sucks, but I’ll look over that. I love my dorm, I love my roomies, and I’m just… I’m happy J Yes, there are some minor issues that are still bothering me, but the kinks will be worked out in time. Unfortunately it probably won’t be easy, and it may (probably will) hurt, but that’s life sometimes.

   The CD’s done… except for some minor adjustments still to be made. It’s a rough draft that I’ll probably want to redo later but…. I like it for now. I don’t know if I’ll be handing them out readily, but those of you who are musically minded are more than welcome to have one.

   I think I’m gonna draw an entire line of pin-ups. The one I did for Jay’s apartment was really fun to do, and I’d like to continue on it.

   Tom came to me the other night and told me he was sorry… for everything. I didn’t know what to say. He put me through hell and back and now he was sitting in the same place he put me at the end of our relationship. I think the part that hurt him the worst was that he put himself there. I can’t say I had no sympathy for him, because that’s a lie, but I didn’t cave. He asked for a hug… and I couldn’t say anything. I don’t want to see him. I don’t love him anymore, and that’s his fault. But I do care about him. I don’t know how to respond really….

   I don’t know where this year’s going to end up, but I’m willing to buckle up and check out the scenery.