So, another day another dollar – or should I say 100 pennies?

This year so far has been pretty interesting. A great reminder that good intentions add up to nothing without the guts to back those intentions up with actions. Intentions are wonderful to discuss, but in the real world, it's the pennies that fund those intentions that matter. Without a healthy respect of what you bring and expect in a relationship; doubts, melodrama, and a general distaste for someone else's BS add up quickly.

I knew this guy, intelligent, funny, intriguing, and much more. He used to say to me that "Without trust, there can be no love." I would respond that without respect, there is no trust. There is only so long that love can win out over a lack of respect. That lesson is well worth remembering, in relationships and the real world. Without self-respect, there can be no success. Without respect for others, there will never be trust – and if you follow the earlier logic, no love will be able to withstand the day to day silliness that is humanity.

I've also made a lot of progress as a person, learned a lot about who I am, what I want, what I need, and most importantly, what I'm willing to do to get those things. I also learned what I'm not willing to do.

I am not willing to compromise my values, family, friends, or home life to achieve a goal.

I am willing to put my ass on the line to get the job done.

I am willing to go out on a limb for someone in need.

I am willing to ask for what I want and to work for what I need.

I am willing to give myself permission to not be perfect every day.

I am willing to sacrifice for the greater goal – as long as it doesn't put my well-being in too much danger.

            So ends the babbling epiphany of the week. Much love to all!

THE GOAL IS THAT MOMENT…

THAT MOMENT YOU CAN LOOK AT YOURSELF IN THE MIRROR

AND NOT BE DEPRESSED AT WHAT YOU SEE.

THAT MOMENT YOU CAN WAKE UP AT 2AM, SPLASH SOME WATER ON YOUR FACE- LOOK IN THE MIRROR- AND THINK…

THINK, DAMN – I DID IT.

I'M CONTENT WITH MYSELF.

MY JOB, MY GOALS, MY MATERIAL CRAP.

MY FRIENDS, MY FAMILY, MY LOVER…

MYSELF – DAMN, I DID IT.

DIDN'T THINK I WOULD MAKE IT – AND NEITHER DID YOU.

BUT HERE I AM- CONTENT FOR THE FIRST TIME IN YEARS.

NOW I KNOW I CAN DO WHATEVER THE HELL I WANT TO.

I KNOW THAT NO MATTER WHAT- MY SURVIVAL IS MY CHOICE.

AND AT THAT MOMENT, TAKE A DEEP BREATH, AND REALIZE…

IT'S NOT GOING TO LAST…

THE VERY MOMENT YOU LOOK IN THE MIRROR AND GET THAT MOMENT,

THAT PERFECT MOMENT OF CONTENTMENT AND PEACE…

LIFE KICKS YOU IN THE ASS, TAKES SOMETHING/SOMEONE YOU LOVE.

NOT TO BE CRUEL BUT TO DRIVE YOU FORWARD,

SO MAKE DAMN SURE YOU STAY ON YOUR PATH AND KEEP GROWING.

SO HERE'S THE BASIC RULES OF THE GAME:

EVERY TIME YOU ACHIEVE A GOAL- SET A NEW ONE.

EVERY TIME YOU LOOK IN THE MIRROR

AND THINK "IT CAN'T GET ANY BETTER THAN THIS"

KNOW THAT IT CAN, IT WILL, AND YOU BETTER WORK FOR IT.

BECAUSE THE MOMENT YOU STOP TO ENJOY YOUR SUCCESS

LIFE STEPS IN AND REMINDS YOU

THAT TO STOP IS THE DEATH OF CONTENTMENT & SUCCESS.

I've learned that the people you care most about in life are taken from you too soon and all the less important ones just never go away.
And the real pains in the ass are permanent

    1.      What does your MySpace name mean?  Childhood nickname that stuck.

2. Elaborate on your default photo.  I was playing with my camera phone.

3. What's your middle name[s]?:  Kay

4. What is your current relationship status?:  Single

     5. What are you wearing right now?  White short sleeve knit top, black cami, black slacks, black boots, puka shell necklace.

6. What is your current problem?  I spend money like I have it, but I don't.

7. What do you love most?  My family.

8. Who makes you most happy?  Realizing that being crazy enough to follow my instincts and dreams just might really pay off.

9. Are you musically talented?:  Only when drunk.

10. If you could go back in time, and change one thing, what would it be?  I would've finished college

11. If you MUST be an animal for One day: A panther, or other large hunter cat- it's just kewl.

12. Ever have a near death experience?  One that was truly close- and no I'm not telling the story behind it.

13. Can you dance?  I can shake my booty and pretend it's dancing.

14. What's the name of the song that's stuck in your head right now. It's been Country Road all day, but since I read this quiz on someone else's page it's Grundy County Auction- I hope it's stuck in your head now too.

15.Who did you cut and paste this from? Hoss.

16. Name someone with the same b-day as you.  Reagan


17. Have you ever destroyed someone's property? Nope

18. Have you ever been in a fight?  A couple.

19. Have you ever sang in front of a big audience?  Yep

20. What's the first thing you notice about the OPPOSITE sex?  Smile.

21. What do you usually order from Starbucks?  Mocha frap.

23. Ever had a drunken night in Mexico?  Yes, that's another story I'm not telling

24. Has anyone ever said you looked like a celebrity?  No.

25. Do you still watch kiddy movies or TV shows? Yes.

26. died in a hole? Huh???

27. Are you comfortable with your height?  I love my height

     28. What is the sweetest thing someones ever done for you? I have great friends, I can't name one thing – but thanks Kasey!.

29. Do you speak any other language?  English and redneck.

30. Whats your favorite smell?  Good shampoo after a shower… girls will get that right?

In our society we now have a massive shortage of certain things that are required for a happy co-existence. Examples? Self Respect, Work Ethic, Moral Compass, Etc. What we do have is a complete lack of understanding for ourselves as a society. We've spent the last 3-4 decades trying to make everyone "equal" but instead of pulling the downtrodden up, we've pushed the majority down – not exactly that smartest way to move forward and evolve…

            However there has been one major atrocity that I am acutely concerned with these days, because it directly effects me. The Assassination of Men. There are many factors that contributed to the death of the Man's Man, and ladies- you know we love to speculate and bitch about it. The fact is quit whining and look in the mirror- we did this. Perhaps not this generation, but we are contributing. The generation of Feminists before us went apeshit overboard, instead of sticking to the ideals of equal pay for equal work, and tougher domestic abuse laws; we went so far as to tell men that we don't need them, for ANYTHING. Now it is true that I am fully capable of taking care of myself, using power tools, fixing my car, building shelves, squishing that spider, and buying myself the things I want – jewelry, clothes… batteries; just as it is true that men are more than capable of surviving and doing their own laundry. For some reason we women as a group are represented by psychos who have let a heart break twist their view on reality.

             How can we expect men to know how to "take care of us" in the ways that men used to if they were raised by a generation of single/divorced moms who believed that men were unnecessary or obsolete? If no one was there or allowed to be there to teach the next generation, how can we be so pissed? It takes men to teach sons how to be men, it takes a father to teach a boy how to take responsibility for their actions. It takes a man to teach a man how to feel pride in taking care of his family. What it also takes are things that women are no longer giving: the appreciation for a hard working man, we no longer act like "ladies"- where are our manners?- and the fact that we no longer just expect to be treated with respect.

            Ladies- if you want a real man, you have to be willing to work for it. You have to be willing to draw hard lines in behavior- his and yours! If you want a gentleman, act like a lady! Please and Thank You go a long way towards being treated well.

Well ladies- bring it!

Gentlemen- let me know what you think! Am I completely off base?

So here I am, 10 months after my move to New York. I have a great job (just caught a promotion to Manager), am getting along well with my co-workers. Have a place I like to go hang out and watch a game or two. I like my rathole apartment - at least it's mine. And if I actually budget like a grown up I can clear most of my debt and credit mistakes from a few years ago and begin to rebuild.

When I first moved out here this was all part of the plan, but I didn't really think it was going to work this quickly - to be honest, part of me was sure I would land squarely on my ass, begging to run home to California. Now that I've succeeded and surpassed my original goals, I'm at a bit of a loss as to what in the hell I'm supposed to do now? Lay back and enjoy the rewards of a job well done? I don't think so. I don't have that kind of patience to just sit back and enjoy, now I have to safeguard against stupidity screwing it up - my own in particular. I've never actually crested this particular ridge before, I used to have a nasty habit of cutting myself at the knees right before my hands closed around the brass ring. This time around I was more concerned with making sure I was going to survive than with succeeding that it happened when I wasn't looking - well I was working towards it and planning for it, but not really expecting it.

So, in short, I'm happy - but I have no clue what to do now... any ideas?

So here's the June 2007 update for those of you who don't spend hours on the phone with me every week

Recap:

March- moved into my own place, on my own. Just me a my puppy Choppers.

3 weeks later: Bad news on a few fronts, broken ankle, dead Choppers.

April: B/f moved in (a lil on quick side- gotta do something wrong once in a while to really enjoy the good choices right?)

3 weeks later: Got laid off.

May: I lost my damn mind… bored, trying to find a job, broke as hell…

June: Things look up, got a great job that I love, a few blocks from the apt.

1 week later: b/f moved out – it's a good thing.

Monday the 18th: 6 mos since I've seen the Cali state line…

Saturday the 23rd: 6 mos since I first arrived on my best friend's in-laws doorstep.

Last Sunday: Adopted a cat I'd never seen. Poor thing has hip probs, she prolly won't be long for this world, but I'll love her as much as I can while she's here.

Next Wednesday (4th of July): Will mark the 4 month anniversary of my being in my place.

So, there is the update, a lot of things have happened. But nothing's really changed. I'm still me, I still have the best friends/family anyone could hope for. Now I'm single again, so that means back to the game- sometimes I'm pretty sure I'm better at being single than being a g/f. I'm looking forward to a promotion at work- I know I'll do well, it's right up my alley. I'm going to try to save up to get back to Cali for a visit this fall/winter. I'm not moving home, but I do want to visit. I love my crap ass tiny apt. I have re-discovered my love of all things girly, getting my nails done, dying my hair, shopping for anything… In short, I believe I'm back to normal. It only took 6 months in another state to do it. When I need to shake it up or make a change, I literally have to let go of my past and MOVE! So to all of those I left in Cali, if you want to see me & you miss me, don't leave crap messages on my phone. Call all of the other I left behind, each pitch $20 and fly my butt out there! If you don't want to do that, hop on a damn plane and come see me! But don't leave me guilt trips… yes I miss you all, yes I love you guys, of course I wish I could've taken you all with me. OK, excuse the slight rant in the middle… The point is this: I'm slightly stressed out from work, so I'm happy. I got out of an unproductive relationship, so I'm happy. I went shopping, so I'm broke. The End.

Choppers was my puppy, he was 2 years old, I got him in April of 2006. He was a pain in the butt, he loved to run. He was also very loving and a great cuddler. He loved to play tug and fetch. Chopper was hit by a car about a half a block from my apartment Tuesday March 27, 2006 at about 8:30AM. My baby came 3,000 miles across this country with me, and I told him every day on that trip that he was my partner in crime and I knew I would be ok because he was with me. He was my family, my friend, my kid, and my world. My days are a little less bright now because he is not here. To all those who knew and loved him, thanks for your support. He is loved and missed.

Jackie