......I have to share my heartbeat with you, once again.

Surrender Tonight

v1.

The Rubys fall, on the cold hard floor, your red rivers flow out your misery. Escaping to the hardened blade, that fills your heart with lies. It's pounding form, cracking at your seams. Don't ever think you're alone...

-chorus-

My heart is aching, breaking for you, your tears become my own, and they overflow. You're tired of crying, trying to be perfect. Let go of the pain, just let go of your self, Surrender tonight....

v2.

You're not alone when the starving world feeds on your broken soul. There's so much more than all your broken pieces. All the diamonds in your eyes, don't have to fall anymore. When hope beckons, holding out to you. Reach out and grab the Forgiving hand of Freedom.

-Bridge-

One drop of His, can cover all of yours
Love exists for you
One drop of His, can cover all of you
Hope exists for you
One drop of His, can cover all the pain
Life exists for you,
One drop of His Blood, can set you Free...

9/23/08
All Rights Reserved. My Copyright!

Okay, so now, i'm gonna dish. The issue of cutting is one, many people avoid. It utterly tears me apart to see Broken pieces, broken Lifes, ravished by Satan's lies. He always attacks the hurting. Emotions are so delicate, and soo easily hurt. One day when i was on SoundPost, this one user, whom i have forgotten her username, posted 3 questions. 2 out of utter randomness, and the last about cutting. All the other users who replied, completeley avoided the subject, But Me. It Bothered the living heck out of me. I couldn't understand why they had avoided it. So i replied, and offered as much hope as i could, i Private Messaged her, telling her that i would keep her in my prayers. One, day, when i had lunch with my mentor, Julielle, i told her about what God has placed on me that day. She told me, that God had layed that on my heart, and wanted to use me. After that i kept it in the back of my mind. A Few months ago, one of my newfound SP friends and i were IMing. She told me it had been 3 weeks. '3 weeks since what' i wrote. '3 weeks since i stopped cutting, but....i still want to'. It was that moment, i knew God was planning something. A few years, if not last year, i went through the hardest time in my life emotionally. And I fell into the darkest hole i have ever been in. Years ago, i forgot how many, i did cut. Once. And it didn't release anything, but more pain. I have, and never will again. So many times last year, i stared and hurt, but God alone kept me from anything. I guess this is wy i am rambleing. Since then, God has brought so many hurting people into my life, i can't explain it. My Heart cres for you, begs for you to be loved, and let yourself fall into God's hands. I loe you if you're reading this.

For every drop of blood you shed, I drop a tear for you.

So......i had a much needed conversation with God Last night as i was on the lake. I had been questioning what God wanted me to do in life .First off, he asked me, what i really wanted to be. Not what i kinda sorta wanted, or as a carrere, or hobby. But what i really wanted. I thought for a moment. 'I want to be a voice, i want to be a 1 Peter 2:9. I want to be a positive influnece for you.'

'But you are a chosen people, a royal priesthood, a holy nation, a people belonging to God, that you may declare the praises of him who called you out of darkness into his wonderful light.'

I asked if i was doing the right thing, being a mass Communications major. He said, i had a gift of words, typed, written or spoken. 'But is that REALLY where i'm supposed to be?' i begged. "Try if for a semester, and you'll know. But since im  using you for BIGGER plans, Get involved in school. Go out and do what you've never before. This isn't high school. Find a group, find your niche." I sighed and took it in. Bigger plans. "Keep writing those songs, NEVER stop. There's a reason they come to you."

And so, here i am,  a week and a half before Freshman orientation, finally getting things sorted out between me and God. About a week ago, Lindsay and I had a deep conversation about this. she said God had revealed a verse to her during her prayer time. I grabbed the closest bible and opened it up to this.

'We, of course, have plenty of wisdom to pass on to you once you get your feet on firm spiritual ground, but it's not popular wisdom, the fashionable wisdom of high-priced experts that will be out-of-date in a year or so. God's wisdom is something mysterious that goes deep into the interior of his purposes. You don't find it lying around on the surface. It's not the latest message, but more like the oldest—what God determined as the way to bring out his best in us, long before we ever arrived on the scene. The experts of our day haven't a clue about what this eternal plan is. If they had, they wouldn't have killed the Master of the God-designed life on a cross. That's why we have this Scripture text:

   No one's ever seen or heard anything like this,
   Never so much as imagined anything quite like it—
   What God has arranged for those who love him.
But you've seen and heard it because God by his Spirit has brought it all out into the open before you.

 10-13The Spirit, not content to flit around on the surface, dives into the depths of God, and brings out what God planned all along. Who ever knows what you're thinking and planning except you yourself? The same with God—except that he not only knows what he's thinking, but he lets us in on it. God offers a full report on the gifts of life and salvation that he is giving us. We don't have to rely on the world's guesses and opinions. We didn't learn this by reading books or going to school; we learned it from God, who taught us person-to-person through Jesus, and we're passing it on to you in the same firsthand, personal way.

 14-16The unspiritual self, just as it is by nature, can't receive the gifts of God's Spirit. There's no capacity for them. They seem like so much silliness. Spirit can be known only by spirit—God's Spirit and our spirits in open communion. Spiritually alive, we have access to everything God's Spirit is doing, and can't be judged by unspiritual critics. Isaiah's question, "Is there anyone around who knows God's Spirit, anyone who knows what he is doing?" has been answered: Christ knows, and we have Christ's Spirit.  1 Corinthians 2:6-16, The Message'

I Think this is the Longest Blog, I've posted so far, But Here is a New Song to keep it going.

Love Thru Me-August 9, 2008

v1.

Do I really feel the pain? Do I constatly question, all that i am?

Can i not fall into you, and trust everything you are?

My issues seem collosal, and my worl begins to fall beneath my feet. I think i can handle myself, but all to often, i know i should cry out to you!

chorus.

Lord, i long for your embrace,

your voice calms my storms inside.

Again, take all that i am,

Use me to spread, what you'e given me,

God, Love thru me.....yeah, love thru me

v2.

My Damage is collateral, wheni fail to realize,who you are.

my heart strats to crumble wheni fel invincible.

Am i just to lost in my superficial pride to see everything yo do for me

chorus repeat x2

bridge.

My reckless beliefes will be the end of me, if i fail to put them to rest.

I abandon, all that i am, capture my heart again. Every breath is yours before it leaves my soul, I am ready, I am waiting, Lord God Love thru me, (Building crecendo)Lord Love thru me Again....(Hold, sustain)

Chorus.

Lord, Love thru me.

Okay, so as Christians, you know sometimes that sacrifices have to be made like letting go of friends, relationships and sometimes even entire lifestyles, so this is my perception, because i've had to give up too.

-Over

7-17-08

v1.

Sometimes you were there, but mostley you weren't. Sometimes you held my tears, but too often they fell. You never meant to cripple me, you never meant to hurt, but it's high time, these words are all mine, it's now you'll know the truth

chorus.

Cuz when it's over, and it's no more, all the memories fall like raindrops, and shatter on the floor
cuz when your over and i let go, everything that once was, isn't there anymore

v2.

It's better for us this way, and you know i hate sayin it, but i has to be said. I'm really sorry it lead to this, and all our times, I'll miss, But It's time, i think, to bereak the news

-chorus

-bridge

Never there when i needed you, never my shoulder to cry on, you'd be blind not to see, the bridge between us is gone, hate to say it, but you feel it, it's time i let you go

Probably going to rework it, but, yeah...there it is.

Breaking Free-4/4-Driving beat.

7-17

v1. You don't deserve this, or my attitude, you gave it all for me, and i run away agin. I invite you over into my heart, then I'm only throwing rocks at the door.how can i, why would i? what's wrong with me. It's complicated, underated, i can't figure myself out...

This stops now, it all stops now

-Chorus

Can't handle my yesterdays, no use dwelling in my mistakes, i'm nowhere close to perfect, but i know I've been released, so forget me, the way iused to be, this is now, this is me, i'm breaking free!

v2. no, it's not easy, never was, never is, never will be, can't believe i really let my heart go like that, so far so dark, so lost. I'm not deserving, in fact far from it. But i want this, i can see it, almost feel it

It all begins now, freedom starts now

-chorus, repeated

bridge

So hallelujah, here i am, so grateful to be in your arms, and hallelujah, here comes tommorow,, it a forever long road, not given up now, hallelujah, my freedom starts today

I know i've been through some tough stuff, i have a horrible addiction to doubt, and i know some of you have also been struggling, so guys, this is for us!

Looking back on words, i've wriitnen in pain, joy and through everything, i've refused to even live up to my words.

I've had my share of Lauren Barlow Speeches, written them down permantly inside my mind, but am i even living my life up to that? Why don't 'I' Setp up to be diffrent?, Why Don't 'I' let go of people and things that hurt me? Why don't 'I' Change?

The answer? Sin won't let me out, Bondage, holds me captive, burdens cling like immortal tatoos i can't let go of. I want to soooooo bad, in fact i'm supposed to be starting Breaking Free by Beth Moore next week. Do i want to escape can i?

Now I'm not gonna speak words of hope and reason to all you and inspire you with Lauren Words. These are my words.

I've come out of a lot, and am going through a lot. I'm addicted to doubt, insecure, empty lonely and i feel like i want to cry. I'm even steadily breaking another addiction, some of you even know. I hold back a lot from the world, from God, from my parents. Why can't I see through the pain?

I Know God hears my cries, sees my invisible pain, He's so close and sooo far. I reach out my feeble hand, waiting to grab.

You know that last song i wrote, Nothing in the Dark? The pain is still there.

I need to live up to my OWN words.

Allllllllll of you know, I write music. And allllllll of you know, i've been dealing with some tough stuff. Some more than others, I.E. Izzy, Autto. So, this came out of it.

Nothing in the Dark.

(Start slow, strings, ease in with Drums, guitar-Rock medley.)

v1.

Every Motive, every thought that slipped inside and consumed my mind. Where was i to go? What hurt my heart, felt so right, but my soul ached for the light. And my eyes have lied, desensitized, i fell deeper into what i couldn't escape .....

(pre-chor. 1)

Cuse, i can't do it alone, can't do it on my own....

(1st Chorus)

I was left there empty crying out Your name, I stumbled burdened, burried in my shame. Lord i run to you, my only breakthrough, and now i can see  your light, since learned my lesson, yeah, There is Nothing in the dark... yeah, yeah, yeah

v2.

How could i re-live that pain? Prisioner of my flesh, cast and bound to my chains, How can i survive  like that? Clinging to what was lost behind, I will never go back, yeah, to what Kills inside..

(Pre chor. 2)

God I can't make it on my own, I can't do it alone...

(2nd Chorus.)

I was left there empty crying out Your name, I stumbled burdened, burried in my shame. Lord i run to you, my only breakthrough, and now i can feel your ligt, since learned my lesson, yeah, There is Nothing in the dark... yeah, yeah, yeah

 (Heavy Guitar/Strings solo)

(Breaks to peaceful moment-enter bridge)

Your grace is unstoppable, no sin unforgiveable. You took everything i was, and made it beautiful. Ther is nothing else, Lord ther's nowhere else I'd rather be. I feel your heart, i feel your love, i feel the light, I feel you now.....

(Slow fade, echoed feel you now. Harmonized.)

(Chorus)

(Fade out)

Can't do it alone, can't make it on my own, I'm running towards the light.

-Verses- Zeph. 3:17, Matt. 11:28-

Hope you like it, It's an AG song so it WILL make it on our.....eventual record.

^So this is what My songs usually look like. Yeah, so I'll post the lyrics legibly people.

Inspired by Here's My Life (BarlowGirl) and Hymn 424 Jesus is all the word to Me, This song is really how i've been feeling lateley. I've been really yearning for god, but it's been really hard getting my life back on track, so this is what i felt had to be penciled down in church today.

Beautiful Life-5/4/08

[v1]

I'm tired and weary from the world, my soul desires you, Freedom calls to me, but it's always  jsut beyond my reach. I cry out from whithin my darknes "heal my broken heart" through the blood and through the tears take me away, I hear You calling my name

[Chorus]

Beautiful life, what I want to be, a radiating image waiting to be freed, Beautiful life, Lord create in me, take me, break me, make me anything and everything for You

[v2]

I'm tired of all the lies I've woven, all the answers turn to questions that I thought I knew before this. I'm reaching for the light that beckons in front of me, through the smiles and through the pain, take my life, I'm calling again

[chorus 2]

Beautiful life, what I'm meant to be, a radiating image waiting to be freed, Beautiful life, Lord create in me, take me, break me, make me anything and everything for you I want Your beautiful life

[Bridge]

I've ached for You, screamed your name, hiding deep inside my shadows, nothing matters now, everything dissapears, I'm waiting for You take me now, Lord take my life....

Take me life....(echo)

[Repeat chorus]

Beautiful life, what I want to be, a radiating image waiting to be freed, Beautiful life, Lord create in me, take me, break me, make me anything and everything for you

[end bridge]

I'm tired and weary from the world and all I desire is....you.

So, yeah leave some love, and Izzy we HAVE to work something on this one!!

Observations of Boredom in A.P Literature. April 29th, 2008.

In an application of boredom, I place pencil to paper.

Thesis' of Literature fall away to the abyss of my mind. I read through the prompts, but the words fail to soak inside. 

A song slithers into my concious state, keeping my mentality awake. " And though You're invisible, I'll trust the unseen".

My gum still releases a flavor and I feel a slight twinge of pain from a moment earlier. I sigh as I release an answer.

I approach a new prompt, listening in to appear as though I give attention. I long to escape home, far and away from this temporary place of education. A longing exists for knowledge, but I cannot focus into it now.

Nothing left of me. 

I continue to blankly gaze at the posters my eyes have visited countless times. I shift in my seat, and think of what is to be done this evening. I look to the clock, unaware of when the bell will release me.

"I Cried out with no reply, and I Can't feel You by my side."

I hear the voices around me in current discussion- "The Monster", "The Question", "Trying to write an essay."

The sunlight creeps from the blinds behind me, offering it's arms into the darkened room, beckoning me to join. I cannot escape into it's grap until 3:20.

I break my wandering to discuss The Chronicles of Narnia with a classmate, but soon return just as quickly as I have spoken.

The song eveolves into it's vision of it's Music Video.

I Listen to a thesis. It is well written.

The drums, Bass and guitar scream inside my silence.

Another good thesis.

The bell rings.