I think I'm ready now.

So yesterday Patty and i got new glasses.  Both prescription sunglasses and regular glasses.  I choose plastic frames again because I break nose pieces.  Close to what I had before even.  Very basic.  Than we bought a new dining  room table and a bunch of new stuff for our apartment.   We rearranged things again and put our other table in our storage room.  Patty a sweetie and did most of it.  I'm happy,

I've been busy lately.  I've been painting  a lot.  Did i ever mention that I freaking love my apartment?  i love having the space that we do.   I feel like myself again. 

I'm coming to terms with a lot of things.  I tend to be vague with a lot of the shit i put here but it takes so much more work to censer.  So i won't bother, plus it's unlikely that my ex will read this.  I've spent  a long time being outraged by the things that she did.  But I'm at the point that maybe I'm not anymore.  Ugh it changes, as I write about it now I'm made and tempted to be  as demeaning as possible.  When i thought about it last i felt at peace about the situation.  The break was so jagged.


I don't miss her.  I have no desire to be with her anymore.  I don't miss our relationship.  I'm just at the point where I'm trying not to dwell on their suffering?  If I didn't try so hard to be mature about this I think i would retaliate.  I'm trying to find balance. 

Patty helps alot because she is perfect.   She's helped me blossom into a more patient, goofy gal.  You know, I felt different with Quin than I do with Patty. 

I felt so stepford with her.

I can be loose and goofy with Patty and she laughs and eats it up.  She praises me for my silly love muffin dances and begs for more  when I'm at my strangest.

My mom had a way of looking at me like I was  stupid when I acted  goofy.  I always felt ashamed and rejected by her.  I know my  mom didn't mean for me to feel that way, but it affected how I acted around certain people.  I mean, I have changed a lot since leaving Wyoming.   That past relationship taught me a lot about myself, which I wouldn't take back what so ever.

I believe I loved this person, but that the love I had for them is gone now.  She helped me through such a rough time in my life.  i think I would have killed myself for real if it weren't for Eva.  I miss Eva so much.  Eva is gone though.  Haven't seen her in years.
Some times  I miss the fun times we had... but than i think  of my relationship with Patty and  I smile cause I'm happier with her.  Oh man i kept things from Eva.  Never lied... just ignored. Patty knows every truth and all the ones I hid.  She still loves me.

This has been pent up for a long while.  It's good just to get it off my mind.

I'm finishing up this book my sister sent me a few months ago. 

It's a self help book.

I feel silly admitting this.

But I think it's helped me realize the tools I already had.


Like, it told me things I already knew, but except when I heard it before i wasn't ready to use the information you know?

It was written in a way that, for me, it was like "OH! That's what that other stuff meant."

I'm afraid of success.

Well, for now anyway.

Sometimes I try to make up metaphors to describe my feelings but I realize it doesn't translate well to blog from my thoughts.


But i feel this book helped.  I've had it within me all along.  i just have to remind myself sometimes.

I'm happy.  Patty and I have had a great day. Heh.  Work started out tough but ended on a high note.  I just discovered

Lady Sovereign

and I love her.

Goddes and  She are my new favorite duo.  Their hooks make me smile.

I seem to be avoiding the phone these days.  Not an purpose, but I just haven't been returning any calls.  My little sister has been a mommy for over a month and i haven't really talked to her.  I'm not entirely sure why...  afraid of sad news or something.

Work is giving me quite the back ache.  I'm not sure if my wrist pain is caused solely from work  or because of all the sex i've been having.  hah.  Either ways its a bit annoying.  I feel strained from all this training I have been doing.  We have a bunch of new people. I'll be happy when my little minions are standing on their own. 

lately i have been reading a bunch of werewolf novels and they have been a nice escape during my working hours...   

I'm still not smoking, though i have wanted too.

Patty and i are still going strong.  We hung out with sari and jeff and went to great northen mall and went to the new frozen yogurt place.  it's good.  if you haven't tried it you should

Work was so annoying today.  I felt like I wasn't going fast enough, I kept slamming my finger in the cabinet, and i decided I would stop smoking today.  I still haven't smoked since yesterday and I'm hoping I can quit cold turkey if i remind myself hourly how gross it tastes and hurts my chest.

Visiting my daughter helped me cut back at lot too.   The visit was a tough one.  Eva and Eliza are amazing parents and truly want whats best for our daughter.  Even if that means not allowing others into her life.  Certain people are trying to involve themselves in her life who more longer belong.  I feel like my boundaries were disrespected.  Her parents handled that situation nicely though.

K's birthday party was amazing though.  Her and her friends are so cute.  I met more family and hung out with some their friends.  I even went to an adult party.  On a rooftop I should mention.  I haven't been to such a sophisticated gathering ever.  The people i met there were all quite memorable. 

Mostly I found myself interacting less and more observing than anything. K is a 4 year old, and they can be brats.  I think because she was also fighting a cough she fussed  more.  i found myself with little patience and I feared upsetting her if I got grouchy. 

In the end i felt sadder to leave Eva and Eliza.  They are so attractive in many ways.  They are full of knowledge and stories and tid bits of ideas.  Plus they are good looking. lol

[but tooo skinny]

I was happy when i left though cause i missed Patty.  I only survived without Patty because I wasn't going back to the hotel til 11 both nights so I passed out the moment i laid in bed.

I had a safe trip home.  Patty met at the airport and we went home to play SIMS 3 cause while I was gone the 2nd computer finally made into the  computer room.

I like it lotssss!

I don't know when I'll go to wyoming. 

Maybe it's because I knew I would be traveling to Brooklyn at the end of the week, but I have enjoyed a great week thus far.   I feel motivational at work.  If only I could get my counterpart to jump in.  She is improving on some avenues, but falls short in other situations. Today was a little rougher, but not awful.  I'm looking forward to not having to think about work for a few days.  I'm going miss Patty though.  I know during the day I will be occupied with Klara but when I'm alone in my hotel room will be another story. 

I had been making small purchases for Klaras birthday every other time I was out and yesterday I collected it all I realized I'm sure how I'm going to pack all of it.  Should i wrap it first?  I don't know.  But I'm sleeping so I'll just report back when I get  back.

Life seems good these days.  I'll be seeing my daughter in just over a week.  This trip will be unlike the others because there will be adult time with the mamas!  I don't know what to expect other than it's a birthday party for one of their friends.  i don't foresee any illicit  activity's happening so it will  probably be awkward. Eh, I couldn't see myself drinking in from of them anyways.  All I know is that Klara will be sleeping at home.  The idea rather makes me a tad sad to think about though. Bleh. 

My little sister had her son too. His name is Scott.  Patty and I plan to fly out there to see her family. Hell, Patty will get to meet my entire family too.  There are all very excited to meet her.  They all hated Q and didn't bother to tell me until after we broke up.  I hope they don't do the same with Patty.  I hope they are honest about their opinions.  I keep dreaming about going back to Wyoming.  I miss my family so much, but I fucking hate that town.  I wish my family lived out here... but my Dad would hate it out here with his narrow mind. Blah and my mother would panic driving anywhere.  Wouldn't work.

Patty and I are doing quite well.  She's making steps to volunteer  for stuff because she's bored.  She's cleans around the house often.  She's amazing.  Just bored, poor thing.

Work is a whole other thing though.  Two people got fired today.  I couldn't help to smile anyways.  Am I next?  Who knows.  I am sad for these people who were let go, they had it coming.  I'll miss them and I know I'll probably still talk to one of 'em... but shit... idk.

Not gonna lie... I had a moment of panic a week ago.  Patty was laid off.  Until today, I had nightmare of living off of top ramen.   But i no longer feel like there's rock in my stomach.  A weight has been lifted.

Patty can claim her 401k.  She debt will be paid off with that.  She worked for a most good company and will get a severance check worth about a months pay AND she can file unemployment.  Did I mention she had a high paying job.  I mean she got paid more a hour than I did working over time. 

It's still less than she was getting paid before, but that 401k will help with bills big time.

We'll still be on a budget but we won't be scraping by.   I'm thankful for the life I have and the people that surround me.  I'm glad this is better than I hoped.  Patty is coming with me to Wyoming now since she doesn't have to work.  She's taking some time to work on her comics and weigh out options of going to school or jumping back into tattooing of comic stuff.

So anyways..  i love her and she's way happier not having to go to work.

I've been doing well.  My birthday seemed to last for weeks.  I was showered with gifts from Patty and her family.  Patty's sister Vickie gave me the cutest purse (she always has a way with great purse choices) and a super cute t from h&m, which btw looks amazing on me.  since she knows i'm so germ "aware" she also got me liquid soap.  Ma and pa gave me VERY nice silverware, you know the kind you could use to hammer in nails... And Lou (really his wife Erin) Got me a beautiful vase with matching flowers that the boys presented.

I feel all warm and fuzzy inside knowing Patty's parents planned a bbq just for me.

patty got me a buncha stuff, the best being Sims 3.

Only our 'puter isn't good enough to play it longer than 20 minutes so I'm buying her a new part by part.  Jeffy is going to put it all together and we'll have a kick ass computer at half the price.

I was  suppose to go the the doctors today because i burned the shit out of my arm/wrist on saturday and now i'm experiencing some weird pain in my hand.  I'm hoping it is related to the burn so that workmans comp covers it.  i'm gonna have a kick ass scar from it too.  I didn't go to the doctors though.  i should i know, but i didn't