Monday, December 18th, 2006 - Dallas, TX - Standard and Pours

I left Pineville around one or two in the afternoon because I didn't want to rush myself and also because I just like getting into whatever city I'm playing in early.  So after a rather pleasant (but still pretty long) drive, I get into Dallas and it's already dark.  I immediately go to the address of the venue, but am slightly confused when the building occupying the address is some giant apartment building with a doorman who won't let me in.  I wander around the corner, however, and it turns out that Standard and Pours is in the basement of that building and the entrance is actually on a road to the side.  So once I get the van re-situated and talk to Mallorie who tells me not to expect much of a crowd since they usually have quiet nights on Monday, I load in and tell her that I don't expect anything really since I only booked the show the Friday before and I was just grateful to be able to play.  Standard and Pours (now called Opening Bell Coffee due to some legal issues or something, I don't really know the ins and outs) had free internet for the customers so I quickly posted some last minute MySpace bulletins and invites, then set my stuff up.  Mallorie (I hope I'm getting her name right) was super nice and once I had everything set up the place was pretty much empty.  But then, right before I was going to start, my sister and two of her friends showed up which I was very happy about (especially since it was the same crew I had gone to see Journey in Dallas with back in July).  So I played just the acoustic half of my set, hung out with my sister and her friends for a little while, thanked Mallorie again (God, I'm really paranoid about screwing her name up now), then followed Jennifer in what had to look like a high-speed chase back to her apartment because she was driving so freaking fast.  We got there, relaxed a bit and watched some tv, then crashed pretty quickly.

Tuesday, December 19th, 2006 - Austin, TX - Hole in the Wall

So since my sister had work the next morning, I woke up shortly after she left and hit the road for Austin.  My original plan was to get there really early, find a music store to replace the guitar string I had broken the night before during the show, then just walk around the Guadalupe area and enjoy the various stores it has to offer.  That, however, did not happen.  On the way down there I suddenly found myself in traffic that was at a complete and total standstill.  This went on for something like two or three hours.  So by the time I got into Austin and found a place to park near the Hole in the Wall, it was around seven or eight o'clock.  I decided to wait to load my stuff in and just relax and have a beer since the drive had been fairly stressful, but I didn't know that my stress level was about to shoot up even higher.  The bartenders changed shifts and when the new guy arrived I asked him when I should start loading in, he asked me what band I was in, and when I told him it was just me he looked at me like I had just grown a horn in the middle of my forehead.  He then said that I wasn't on the schedule for that evening (even though I still had the confirmation e-mail in my inbox from July).  Once the booking agent arrived, I (in a very frantic manner), explained the situation and he assured me that I would at least get to play four or five songs sometime during the bill.  So I sat down, tried to calm down, and drank a few more beers while Passed Out Flyers played.  These guys were incredible and really fun to watch and listen to, and even though I was being slightly accosted by a very drunk middle-aged woman who was trying to get me to dance with her, I still enjoyed their set very much.  They had a steel guitar player which I love, so after they were done I talked to him for a little bit about steel guitar in general.  Then it was my turn to play, so I got up there and once again just did the acoustic half of the set since I was pressed for time.  I had gotten a decent amount of beer in me at this point, though, so I was ok with a shorter set.  The people in the bar seemed to enjoy my set, and as always I tried to work the audience into it as much as possible.  Once I was done I quickly loaded my stuff back into the van so I could relax and enjoy the rest of the bands.  The band that played after me, Dave's Not Here, were incredible.  Their guitarist, who looked to be my age, was ripping out solos like nobody's business.  The bass player was playing ridiculously fast slap-and-pop style that reminded me of Incubus's very first record, Fungus Amongus.  And he was doing all of this while wearing sunglasses.  I was floored.  Once they were done I was moved to talk to them and tell them how awesome I thought they were.  I helped them load their gear into their van, then chilled outside with them for a good while.  We traded merch and they were super nice guys and really fun to hang out with.  We walked back in to hear the rest of the performers, which ended up to be other musicians from various Austin-based bands doing solo sets.  The promoter told me not to leave Austin tomorrow before coming back to the Hole in the Wall since they pay their bands the next day.  Once all the music was done, I said goodbye to all the incredibly rad people I had met, hit the road, found a Holiday Inn nearby, and slept in the van in their parking lot.

December 20th, 2006 - San Antonio, TX - Limelight

When I woke up I went into the Holiday Inn to use the restroom and noticed they had free internet in the lobby, so I logged onto my MySpace to make sure the other two venues still had me on their calendars (the Hole in the Wall fiasco still had me a bit shaken).  Luckily I was still booked for the rest of the tour, so I got in the van and headed back to the Hole in the Wall.  The bar manager, a super nice guy who I had talked to the night before, handed me my money envelope and said, "You're going to love this."  I didn't know what this meant until I saw that on the outside of the envelope someone had written "That Mystery Kid Kassidy Booked".  Apparently they had gone through a few booking agents, and the one that had booked me was obviously not working there anymore.  And no one who was working the night before remembered my name (haha).  So once I picked that up I got on the highway pointed toward San Antonio.  It was only something like three o'clock in the afternoon when I got into San Antonio, so I made sure I knew how to find the venue then I headed toward the Alamo.  I was determined to have some relaxation time on this tour that didn't involve waiting for a show to start or residing in my van.  I found a ridiculously cheap parking lot right around the corner from the Alamo (rejoice!), took a few pictures, then went down the Riverwalk, which is a beautiful area for those of you who have never been there.  Sure there are a lot of really expensive shops and bars, but there's also a lot of really pretty scenery.  Once I had pretty much walked all the way up and down the Riverwalk, I stopped at the bar at the end nearest to the Alamo and bought a seven dollar beer (insane!) then went back to the van.  The sun was starting to go down, but it was still only about six o'clock and I didn't know if the venue would be open yet.  Nevertheless, I drove over to Limelight and saw a guy walking in so I assumed they were open.  The guy happened to be the owner, and once I walked in he told me that they weren't open quite yet but I was welcome to chill.  This was good news, so I stretched out on a couch and relaxed for a little bit more.  Once people started arriving for open mic night (I was playing afterward) I shuffled toward the bar and chatted with a very delightful bartender whose name escapes me now (her myspace url has to do with "ape" but i'm pretty sure that's not her name).  Between her and the other locals at the bar, I was having some great and entertaining conversation.  I told the bartender I had never eaten tamales, and she gave me the horn-sprouting-from-forehead look.  She then heated a couple up for me and I thought they were delicious.  So after the open mic performers did their thing (all very well I might add), I set up my equipment and finally played my full set, which pretty much lasted until the bar's last call.  I shot the breeze a little longer with the staff and patrons, got paid (always a good thing), said my bittersweet goodbyes since once again everyone was super nice, then got on the highway pointed toward Houston until I found a rest area to park and sleep.

Thursday, December 21st, 2006 - Houston, TX - Super Happy Fun Land

When I woke up, it was raining and there was an immense black funnel-shaped cloud not too far from where I was parked, so I quickly got myself together and hit the highway for Houston.  I got into town around six and drove to the venue thinking that they'd be open, but the doors were locked so I chilled in the van until I saw the doors open.  When I got inside one of the other performers came in as well and introduced himself as Michael, but he performs under the name Boogdish.  We loaded our stuff in then played Connect Four for a good long while (I totally kicked Mike's ass which counts for something later on in the evening).  A few kids showed up (friends of the other performer, Yatagarasu) and then I noticed this incredible poster for the night's show taped to the side of the counter.  Apparently, Chris from Yatagarasu's girlfriend had either drawn or painted these, and Mike and I both wanted one.  But the one taped to the counter was the only one left, so we said we'd fight over it later.  My dear Niki Sevven showed up (bassist for Something Fierce who are very badass) even though she was sick and made me go "awww" when I saw her because she looked like a sad little puppy dog in the rain (haha, don't e-punch me Niki).  Shortly after that her friend Kasey, who I met the last time I was in Houston, showed up and I was really thrilled to see those two come out.  Yatagarasu went first and was this super crazy video-game-techno-beat stuff with the guy Chris playing bass and screaming over it.  It was insane, but in a way that made sense (if THAT makes any sense).  Boogdish played second and he was also a solo bass player with preprogrammed drum beats backing him, but his songs (and the spaces between them) were more humorous narratives and I thoroughly enjoyed his set.  One negative, though, was that he flung a lot of snot onto the microphone so I had to get the sound guy bring another one up there before I played due to my extreme snotophobia.  Once again I got to play my full set, and the people who stuck around seemed to really enjoy it.  It was great to have Niki and Kasey there, especially since Niki knew some of the songs already (it made me feel like I had fans to see her mouthing along with the words, haha).  After the show Mike said I could have the show poster since I royally destroyed him in Connect Four, and I said my last bittersweet goobyes for the tour as far as saying them to bands and venues were concerned.  Mike and Chris and all the guys at Super Happy Fun Land were incredibly fun and nice and really made the night a great cap-off to the whole tour.  Niki and I left the venue in her car and went to her favorite pool hall/bar where we had a few beers and played a few rounds of pool while joking around with each other.  Getting to hang out with Niki again was definitely another really great cap-off to the whole tour.  We went back to get my van, I followed her to her house, then we watched a couple of movies until we both fell asleep.

Friday, December 22nd, 2006 - I20 and LA165 - Going Home

Leaving Houston might've been the most bittersweet moment since I always love being there and playing there, plus Niki has turned into such a great friend that having to leave is never all that super.  But we said our goodbyes, then I pointed the van toward Louisiana.  When I crossed the bridge into Louisiana from Texas I was slightly saddened, but I was definitely looking forward to sleeping in my own bed and getting to see my kitten.  Once I got into Alexandria I went straight to Finnegan's Wake, got reacquainted with my friends there, then headed home to unload my equipment and go out for a night with my friends.

Once again, I want to thank everyone involved (the people at the shows, the bar owners, the employees, the friends, the other bands, everyone).  I had an incredible time despite the ups and downs (but hey, those come with every tour).  It was definitely a great way to get the new record out there and to end the year.

New Record Out:
So the new record came out yesterday (November 25th, 2006) to a very awesome record release show crowd.  A lot of my friends came out, a lot of good vibes were there, a lot of positive feedback, and it just made the whole "record coming out" feeling more complete.  It's good to know that people like something it took me three months to create.  Naturally everyone there didn't buy a copy that night (money is always an issue, especially with the crowd around my age, which I totally understand and sympathize with since I am perpetually broke), but I did sell a few and a lot more people have said that they will get one as soon as they can.  So that's a nice feeling.  I played until my fingers wouldn't bend, there was sweat pouring down my face and into my eye sockets (which is not a comfortable situation), I did the longest set I've ever done, and it was a wonderful evening.  Lights, Camera, Attraction was brought into the world in proper fashion.  If anyone is interested in picking up a copy, either find me in person or send me a message on here and we'll work something out.  It's only five bucks.

I'm in the Wrong Business
Now even though the record release show was spectacular in my opinion, there was something that bothered me as I got ready to sell this new record; why is it that visual artists (painters and whatnot) get to sell one work of art for hundreds of dollars whereas I've had to sell my past two CDs for five bucks because I was told that "ten was just too much."  The argument that has been presented to me is that CDs are a copy of the actual work of art, but my rebuttal to that is that when artists sell prints of their paintings, the copies go for like fifty bucks!  I don't want to piss off my artist-friends because they are very talented people, I just don't understand.  Music is (in most avenues at least) an original work of art, so why isn't it appreciated as such?  I've seen some paintings that looked like someone just threw paint at the canvas, named it something like Frustration, and sold it for an easy 100 or 150 cold hard cash.  Now I know that not all paintings come along like that and take a very long and arduous process to create (which I have the utmost respect for because I absolutely suck at drawing, painting, or anything else in that vein), but seriously, even painters can admit that some art is overrated (much like some MUSIC is overrated, but that's a topic for a whole separate blog).  I just don't get the price difference.  Is it because there aren't any members of the upper crust of society walking around gritty basement venues with their monacles on stroking their moustaches and saying, "Now there's something worth shelling out five-hundred dollars for"?  Perhaps.  Who knows?  Certainly not I.  All I know is that it is very frustrating for me to sell something that took so long to create and was such a painstaking process, something that basically opens myself up and allows perfect strangers to see and hear my innermost thoughts and feelings and struggles, and sell it for five bucks along with like a button or something.  Meanwhile, I go over to the art exhibit and see things that, no matter what angle I tilt my head, do not make any damn sense whatsoever, and their price tags are outlandish.  Them's the breaks I guess.

What's the Point?
This is pretty much a continuance of the last little blurb.  Lately (as is tradition for this to happen at sporadic frequency throughout my life) I've been wondering if there really is any point to all of this music stuff.  For a while there I was really gung-ho about it, thinking that this is what I want to do and I'll just do it because this is what I love to do.  But that's not very realistic is it?  My only real ambition was to tour and hopefully someday get scooped up by a small indie label, but the tour fell through and so far no labels have responded to me (except a couple that either said "We'll consider it" or "Our roster is full" or my personal favorite, a simple "No").  I didn't think those aspirations were TOO lofty, but I guess I was wrong.  Maybe it is time for me to stop lying to myself, put down all the instruments, and just resign myself to some mundane job that allows me to rent some small apartment and basically just exist.  Sometimes (a lot of the time, actually) I just don't know what I'm doing all of this for.  A few people always say, "If it's what you love then THAT'S why you're doing it, dumbass" but passion apparently isn't enough these days.  It certainly doesn't "pay the bills," that much is for sure.  And where do I think this is going to get me?  *sigh*  Self-doubt has always been something that comes so very naturally for me.  The basic question that I've been asking myself these past few days is "WHAT THE FUCK AM I DOING?"  Where am I going with this?  Is there really a point?  Do I really think I'll accomplish any fucking thing with this music?  Am I just some pretentious indie rock bastard who managed to convince himself in one rare glimmer of self-confidence that he had something to offer the musical world? UGH.  I'm done.  Time to go mull all this over some more.  Fuck.  The end.

1.) Marker
This all could work
If we'd just be more open
And honest with ourselves
But the lights make you sweat
And the cameras make you nervous
The glitz and glamour pollutes
Until there's nothing left that's real.

2.) The Delicate Art of Substitution
You've been waiting for an excuse
To start this argument
Some tangible catalyst
To act as your scapegoat

Something this small
Should not cause such a dichotomy
But here it is growing between us
And you'll say love has torn us apart
But I'll know better

You've got no good reason
For acting so distant
So blame it on the first thing you see
Now spill out your scripted argument
Against something that's dear to me

Now the animal's on the altar
Prepared for sacrifice
You're holding your knife high
But I'm not prepared to let it die

Oh, let it die.

3.) When This Baby Hits Eighty-Eight Miles Per Hour
I love my friends more than I love myself
They're my umbrella when there are storm clouds overhead
And if the rain ever settles over them instead
They know I'll gladly be a storm shelter for them

So let's not let these petty squabbles
Disrupt our communion
There's no need for argument
Just enjoy the ride

You're my safety net and my warm blanket
Even after all the thoughtless things I do
There's no way I could ever express
How much salvation I find in you

If happiness is finding acceptance
Then color me depressed
But if it lies in finding those who care
Then I'm on cloud nine

4.) Financial Reports for This Fiscal Period
Sir, there's been a prominent liability
We've been sinking funds into
With nothing to show as a result
Nothing worth mentioning at least

So close this account
Before it wipes us out
It's nothing worthwhile
It isn't worth our time

We've dumped limited assets
Into this bottomless account
We've spent years trying to recoop expenses
And it just isn't working out

We've made a bad investment
We have to cut our losses
We must break off this expense
Before it drags us down with it

5.) Johnny Law is Out Drinking
All is quiet on the river front
As we gather at the sanctuary
To let the spirits lift our spirits
From the everyday mundane
The double doors swing open
And in walks Johnny Law
He's got whiskey in his sights
And there's gonna be a shootout tonight

Now women, lock up your children
Men, lock up your wives
'Cause Johnny Law is out drinking
And no one will survive

The common folk are revolting
Simply because they're revolted
With the man designated to serve and protect
Since he's slurring, drooling and screaming
He knows he has carte blanche to cause a scene
'Cause when Johnny Law holds all the cards
There is no "Get Out of Jail Free"

Now I'm drunk in a jail cell
Johnny Law's drunk in his car
Everyone's drinking in the chapel
And no one's drunk in the bar

At least not yet

The town is in chaos
Looters shatter windows and take all they can hold
Johnny Law loads more ammo
Into the barrell of his throat
He flashes a toothy smile
And swears that as long as he can shoot straight
Everything will be under control

6.) Vacation Homes on Three Mile Island
If you had the luxury
I'm sure you'd leave this place
Leave all your problems behind
It's all in location, right?

Rest assured, there will always be
A worse place
And no promise that where you're going
Isn't it

Blame your dissatisfaction
On geography
It's easier that way
Forget happiness within yourself

7.) When Love Bites Leave Scars
She exists around every corner
The girl that seems so pristine
But things aren't always what they seem
Her lipstick is lined with sulpher and cyanide
And there's venom on her forked tongue
Especially when it snakes into your mouth

She's like a kid in a candy store
And she can't wait to bite into him
But she never could stick with just one flavor
So she'll devour and move on

What does she say to comfort herself?
"He's very sweet, but too much sugar will make you sick."
And all his friends will have to say is,
"She should worry less about crossing her fingers
And worry more about crossing her legs."

Your love was like murder
And I never thought I'd enjoy dying
Until you left me alive

Your tears will burn your own eyes
Because they're more whiskey than water
So keep crying, dear, let it all out
And I'm sorry that these bruises
Are not the height of fashion
But black and blue on you
Has never looked so good

8.) Stream of Consciousness
Listening to the symphony of shattered glass as it plays upon the pavement,
I'm reminded that there can be beauty in everything.
The trick is being able to find it.

All too often we can't see past whatever exterior is in front of us,
Too afraid to face what's on the other side.

It could be the most beautiful thing in our existence,
But paranoia and uncertainty tells us not to turn the corner.

So many good opportunities have been wasted because it may have seemed like a gamble.

But the "safe bet" leads to a mundane existence,
So why not roll the dice once in a while?
If no one ever took chances, some of the greatest books, songs, or ideas would have never seen the light of day.
Even some of the most tranquil individuals in history have told us to seize the day.
How can we seize the day when we refuse to even get up?
Is the sanctity of our living rooms allowing us that opportunity?
I think not.
If there's something out there knocking,
I'm going to open the door.
I'm going to open the door.

9.) Lullaby for the Chemically Dependent
I'll close my eyes
And crash into a dreamless sleep
Hoping to God I wake up somewhere familiar
It's nothing new;
The sad drifter's routine

These words are soaked in liquor
But they've never tasted so sweet
So I'll keep singing them out
Until my voice is gone
Then they'll rest on my tongue

Floating into open doors each night
Every locale haunted by spirits
And we're dying to be possessed
We're letting them all in

So I'm praying at the toilet
Hearing songs from our high school days
Oh God, what happened to the simpler times?
Where our worries had less magnitude
And our future looked so bright
But now this mental anesthetic serves its purpose
Once I've anointed myself with whiskey
I'll sleep soundly once again

10.) What to Do in the Event of Finding Chris Hamlett in Bed
If you promise not to worry about the buttons
Then I'll swear not to worry about the clasp
Because this could never go too fast

I've been biting my lip in anticipation
Now you're biting mine in exhiliration
It's been too long since I've had your lips
Pressed forcefully into mine
Your breath loud in my ears
Our hearts beating in time

No one would ever guess this side of us
Even though there are telltale signs
I won't hide the scratches, bite marks, or bruises
I want the world to know I'm yours

So scream louder, scream louder
Let's get some attention

It's been too long since I've had your hips
Pressed forcefully into mine
Your breath loud in my ears
Our hearts beating in time

11.) This Is Not the End
"This isn't the end," she said
"It's more like a pause."
But I've been on hold
For far too long

I'll wait patiently
While she's with someone else
Countless faceless hands
Where mine should have been

But I won't let go
Call it blind denial
I'll jump through the hoops
I'll stand my trial

12.) War of the Words
Words are never just words with us
They're more like loaded weapons
And you keep firing shots into my chest
This battle's neverending; we're always at a standoff
At least until a bomb gets dropped

When every move is so carefully planned
And every statement has been carefully scripted
The precision is almost frightening

There can be no truce
Whoever backs down first will be destroyed
So we're always on our toes
While walking through mine fields
Running into each other's trip wires

Staring down these scopes
We know we'll never see eye to eye
So you cling to your Bible
And I'll cling to my bottle
I guess we all find salvation in different ways

13.) My Sunset is Your Sunrise
My dead weight creates a burden
So it's time to walk away
My sinking silhouette
Will herald a bright new day

Don't look back, baby
Don't ever look back
Let's just turn our backs to each other
And walk until the end of the day

This is me setting you free
So get out while you still can
I'll stop convincing myself
That I'm something worthwhile

I'll ride into the sunset
Until it burns me alive
Let the funeral pyre
Illuminate your path

So say goodbye.

14.) That's a Wrap
So this is the final act
The curtain is being drawn
The hero has been vanquished
The villian got the girl
There is no "Happy Ever After."
Idealism never plays out.

so i'm commanding myself to finish all instruments (except drums) by sunday. if i don't accomplish this goal, i'm pretty much going to be screwed and will have to kick my own ass. if i do finish instruments by sunday, then from monday to friday will be devoted to recording all drums and percussion. i need to find someone with a drumset that i can use for a day. recording the orchestral percussion is going to be a huge pain in the ass, but at least i have access to it. the main objective is to have the record submitted to the pressing company by october 25th. here's hoping, seriously. looking at about thirteen songs, all in various stages of completion (from completely done to barely having anything), so i've got some work to do. here's the track list in no particular order (the ones in brackets are tentative titles):

Marker!
Johnny Law is Out Drinking
[Ethereal Song]
War of the Words
Lullaby for the Chemically Dependent
When This Baby Hits 88 Miles Per Hour
The Delicate Art of Substitution
Love in Chalk Outlines
[A Minor, the Saddest of All Keys]
What To Do in the Event of Finding Chris Hamlett in Bed
Vacation Homes on Three Mile Island
Financial Reports for This Fiscal Period
That's a Wrap!

still working on booking the tour as well. my life is this right now: daytime - writing, recording, mixing. nighttime - looking up venues, sending out booking e-mails, updating lists, trying to have a social life.

that is all.

- chris.

Tuesday, February 28th, 2006

so tuesday morning i woke up and moved all my equipment from my toyota to my dad's van since he said i could take it ("for safety's sake" but i didn't want it since it destroys gas). then i went by cenla music to buy a new microphone, picked up a vocal amp from lc, then hit the road heading toward houston. it was a pleasant drive up until i got on the sam houston parkway and had to go through like three toll booths. once i got into alvin i had the hardest time finding the alvin bowl, but once i stopped at a gas station and asked where it was, the attendants there laughed and told me it was just around the corner. i got there, brought me stuff in, waited for Something Fierce to show up, they finally did, and the guy putting on the show said that they were going to play first. they did their thing, it was great, the kids that were there seemed to be really into it, and this kind of weird middle aged biker lady took pictures of me with the guys from SF. we were told that a third band called Daze on End were going to play last since they were local. i set everything up and started my set, and a couple of kids came and sat pretty much right next to me which i always enjoy since i'm up there by myself and it affords the people watching/listening the opportunity to get as close as they want to. the guys working at the place bought me a lone star beer which is only made/sold in texas, i did the rest of my set, then the guys from Daze on End started setting up before i was even done which i thought was kind of rude. i skipped one of the songs on my setlist since those guys were obviously chomping at the bit to do their thing. after i was done i sold a couple of cds, shook a few hands, moved my equipment, then went down the lanes a little way to bowl with the kids in Something Fierce. after a couple of rounds of bowling and a very poor showing bowling-wise by yours truly, we all loaded our stuff up into our cars and i followed niki (the bass player from SF) back to their practice space, helped them unload, then followed her to her place. we went to a mexican restaurant and ate a little bit with steven (guitarist/vocalist from SF), then went back to niki's place again and watched some old episodes of daria and drank what sparse amount of alcohol there was in her apartment. we stayed up until something like four or five a.m., then i crashed out.

Wednesday, March 1st, 2006

i knew that the longest drive was ahead of me (from houston to shreveport) so i quickly gathered my stuff together and hit the road around one o'clock in the afternoon. i ate a lot of tostito's and passed through a couple of dry counties which irritated me since i wanted to pick up a six pack of lone star beer before i crossed over into louisiana. finally, in the last county before louisiana, there was an oasis of a town which was essentially made up of nothing but liquor stores (probably since it was right next to a dry county so they knew the kiddies would cross the county line for booze) so i picked up the six pack and kept on moving toward shreveport. i got into town around six-thirty or seven and drove up to lil joe's bottleneck. when i saw my name on the marquee i started flipping out since it was the first one i had been on. i went inside and vaughn, the booking guy, fed me a lovely cheeseburger with onion rings which was glorious since i hadn't eaten much of anything except tortilla chips that whole day. the bartender girl lindsey informed me that the artists performing get a tab which basically meant free drinks for the night. after hanging out for a good while and chatting with some of the people there, i set up and did my thing to a decent sized audience. they seemed really into it. i broke a string on my white guitar so quickly switched over to the orange one and finished the set. lindsey made an announcement that the first five people to buy my record would get a free shot, so that helped out record sales for that night, heh. a couple of unscheduled people played after me so i stuck around to hear them then headed out around two-ish. my dad was in shreveport for lc's chorale tour (which basically entails them singing in different churches) and was staying at the comfort inn so he said i could stay with him there, so i headed over to the hotel. when i got there the guy at the front desk said that my dad was staying in 317 but that i was supposed to stay in 123. since i was tired and fairly drunk i didn't argue, just took my key, put my stuff in the room, went upstairs to tell dad how confused about the situation i was but yet so exhausted that i didn't want to move all my stuff again, so i went back downstairs and crashed out in the hotel room.

Thursday, March 2nd, 2006

i woke up to the sound of the phone ringing, people knocking on the door, and even one or two people actually coming in then realizing i was there and apologized and left. after i got my wits about me i answered the phone and an angry desk clerk was saying that i wasn't supposed to be in that room at all. i told him that all i did was go where the desk guy the night before told me to, and he was confused and so was i. so i quickly washed my hair, loaded up, and left. the desk guy was really adamant about someone paying for the hotel room, and since i was told i was going to stay there for free, i told them to take it up with my dad when he got back home. i got into my van and went to a nearby mall and walked around killing time. i read a little bit of a book in the van and took a nap, then went over to centenary and used one of their computers in the library, then when it got to be evening time i headed toward bossier city for my show at the diver down lounge. i parked in the parking lot and actually fell asleep again there, then woke up and wrote out a setlist and went inside. after i checked in with the bartender and set up my stuff on the stage, i played an all acoustic set to a very minimal but enthusiastic audience. the venue paid me a very generous amount so i stuck around and drank until closing time, had lovely conversations with the bartender girl, then helped the bartender girl clean up. she was really nice. so when everyone left i got on the highway, found a decent spot off the highway to park, and fell asleep in the back seat of the van.

Friday, March 3rd, 2006

i woke up ridiculously early (say around six-ish in the morning), got back on the highway, drove to the first rest area i came to, and fell asleep again there. then around eight-thirty i woke up yet again, drove down the highway to another rest area, emptied out some trash, slept some more, then got right back on the highway and headed straight to monroe. i drove around desperately trying to find my friend emily's house, and after asking countless gas station attendants if they knew where the street i was looking for was and having them display the most lost expressions ever, i stopped at ulm and called emily. she said she would just meet me on campus and i could follow her to her place, so that's what we did. when she met up with me she told me she had booked me at a local coffee house, which was great since i was scheduled to just play a living room show at her house previously. we went to her house, i dropped off my suitcase and such, then we headed over to the corner coffeehouse around four. i played another all acoustic set around four-thirty to a decent sized audience of a varied age range but they all seemed to dig it. emily suggested i leave my guitar case open for tips, which turned out to be a really good idea since i made twelve bucks from it. after that emily and i picked up some whiskey and cokes for myself and her roommate and some beer for her, then we went back to her house, drank, played video games, and watched tv. around ten we went to this irish pub called enoch's and had a couple of drinks there, then returned to her place and did the same thing all over again until like three in the morning, then i crashed on the couch.

Saturday, March 4th, 2006

i laid around until noon then played more video games with brandon and emily until she had to go to work, so then i hit the road for jackson ms around five-ish. the drive was incredibly boring but i listened to a lot of led zeppelin and drank a whiskey and coke i had mixed up in a can before i left emily's until i got into jackson. there was a lot of road work in downtown jackson so i had to go around a block about three times until i finally got to the joint. the venue was really nice and so were the people so i was really looking forward to the show. i loaded in along with the other bands then sat around talking to them until it was time to start the show. i played to a good sized audience that, although they were a bit shy about standing in front of the stage which was ridiculously elevated (about five feet above the floor), were very enthusiastic. i broke a string on my twelve string acoustic but kept on going despite that fact. after i was done i sold a few records then watched the out-siders play, and they were a really good rock band. then the american tragedy played and were freaking amazing and i really enjoyed their set. after it was all over i traded merch with the american tragedy and drank with the bands until like three in the morning, then i hit the road back to ole pineville louisiana. it took forever to get back and i finally got in around five-thirty a.m. and quickly crashed in my bed with my kitten by my side. the tour was one of the greatest experiences ever and i loved every minute of it, even sleeping in the back of the van, haha. thanks to everyone involved!

i hate feeling this way. i've been in a three week slump; i haven't been to hardly any of my classes, i just lay in bed all day then go over to chance's at night and drink excessively. i hardly eat anything. i don't answer my phone. i lock all the doors and ignore people knocking. i stare at the clock and remind myself that class is going on, but just lay there. maybe i'm being too open and personal for a myspace blog, but i figured some loving feedback might cheer me up a bit. there's been a lot of negative flack going around about my music and that's really the one thing in life that can depress me more than anything else, because i mean hell, that's what i do. that's my life. as it turns out the guy that i was told was talking noise didn't say anything negative and it was the person relaying the info that was really badmouthing the tunes. again with the deception. i just crumble so easily when there's any sort of negative feedback. it leaves me wondering if i'm really any good at all and maybe people just say my music's good to be nice. i mean, i definitely appreciate politeness and respect, but i also like to get the straight honest truth. talking about this always pisses some of my friends off because i ask them if my music's good so often that they want to slap me, so talking to them about all of this is slightly discouraging since to them they've heard it all before. it's even more discouraging (in a different light) to see all these polish-and-shine pop stars who have a nice voice and a nice ass become superstars while i can't even get on the tiniest of indie labels (myself and other musicians who are more deserving than i am). people wet themselves when they see a pop star who writes their own songs or actually plays an instrument (omg, michelle branch sings AND plays guitar? *pees*). someone quietly makes a record with over ten instruments and vocals all done by that one person, and the world doesn't even bat an eyelash. i'm not asking for fame and fortune here, i'd just like to get on a small indie label with decent distribution so i wouldn't have to do EVERYTHING (booking, recording, touring, all that stuff) by myself and without support. is that asking too much? this is another reason i get discouraged. i've sent demos to labels both large and small, and although i am quite aware that most bands don't get signed off the merit of a demo, it's still slightly discouraging. maybe i'm expecting too much. maybe it's just too early to think that all hope is lost. i just want to feel like i'm going to get somewhere someday.

this being single business is nice and fun and all, but i can't help but feel alone. i love sex, but it's just not emotionally fulfilling when it's just sex. it's sort of like taking a bath: it feels nice and you should definitely do it frequently, but i'd like to feel that bond with someone again. i'm sure girls around the planet are about to say "bullshit" at this, but i miss just laying there holding someone and looking into each other's eyes afterward. it wouldn't be so bad if almost all of my past relationships hadn't ended in complete and total disaster. after this last one i adopted the notion of "if girls want to be whores, then maybe i should just use them as such." you know, that whole embittered smirking revenge bit. but i'm just too damn soft to be that shallow. here comes another source of discouragement: why have so many girls cheated on me? am i that unappealing? do i "not get the job done?" again, have the girls just said i was amazing to be nice? i know it happens out there. i certainly hope that's not the case. i'm just stuck in one of those "what the hell am i doing with myself" periods. the only problem is that it's shutting down my life, and that's definitely what i shouldn't be doing with myself.

this year has been insane. i'll try to recap in chronological order, then i'll talk about now.

it started off with me freshly moved back to louisiana, enjoying my holiday with my friends and my family. i started back at lc in january, and pretty much immediately started recording all the new songs i had written. my roommate was insane, but we basically tried to stay out of each other's way. i finished the record in february, landed myself in another psychiatric hospital shortly thereafter, then got the record pressed once i got out. it was "officially released" in march.

i finished the semester in may and pretty much instantly started working on touring for the record. i played all over the state and zipped over into texas near the end of the summer. i also spent a lot of time with friends and worked the overnight shift at walgreen's for a little while. the first pressing of the record sold out, so i ordered a second pressing. my 21st birthday was august 11th and i celebrated it with my closest friends, then went to texas to visit my sister (this is when i played in houston) and saw jimmy eat world and green day play (again). then i came back and started my senior year at lc.

shortly after school started i got arrested for being drunk in public near the end of august. my parents took my car away and cancelled my cell phone, so not a lot happened after that. then in the end of october i got arrested again for the same thing, this time in pineville where it's a dry town (i was walking home, damn). so i get arrested, go to jail, get bailed out by my parents, and go play a show in lafayette, all in the same 24 hours. i played a couple of shows after that by getting rides from friends, then nothing else got booked. that pretty much brings us up to now.

since i'm fresh off yet another "i just like you as a friend" conversation (as of about an hour ago), this might be a bit influenced by that. but i've spent a lot of time trying to figure out what defect i have to cause me to have this glass ceiling where i get to good friendship and then suddenly stop and stay there, and i still can't figure it out. i just want to find someone who isn't a total whore who actually likes me and can handle me being kind of fucked up. i mean, girls are always like "you wouldn't want to be with me, i'm kind of damaged," but that's probably what i need since i'm pretty damaged myself. to quote the great jonah matranga: "lately i'm ashamed to say i'm starving for it, but i want somebody to love." christmas is coming and i have NEVER been with someone during christmas. i came close once, but no. it's the same thing every christmas and valentine's day; i'm always single. i put out my two christmas songs, try to set up some shows for the end of the year (which pretty much never happens), finish the semester, try to spend time with friends, and try not to off myself. but with everything that's happened, i'm trying to figure out now more than ever what the point is. i mean yeah, i've been more successful musically in the past year than i have been in all the previous years of my life combined, but what does that add up to? what do i have to show for it? does anyone really enjoy what i'm doing? are people just being nice? is all of this just out of some form of courtesy? i'm so fucking lost. i really hope this success isn't just an illusion. i'd like to think i've really accomplished something, but i've never ever been able to be sure of myself. damn this depression. anyway, i'm sure a much more holly-fucking-jolly christmas post will come later. adios for now everyone.

friends, i'd love to see you, but you'd have to drive to wherever i am. i'm sorry, but i still don't have a car. this seems to make a lot of people mad. it's out of my hands NOW; yes, admittedly, i did fuck up enough times to merit punishment. but that whole forgiveness thing seems to be out of the question since i've tried everything i can think of to make it up to the folks.

this sort of runs along a tangent: it seems like a lot of friends are talking shit about me now that i have nothing to give them, like rides to places or buying them stuff or being able to really do anything for them. i'm sorry, this is my Great Depression i guess. i just don't have anything material to give. i'd like to think that my friendships were based on more than the barter system, but i guess with some people that isn't the case.

if you're going to talk shit about me, do it to my face. i don't care how it makes me feel; i would much rather hear it directly from the source than be diluted into thinking someone's sincerely a caring friend and then finding out that they've been seriously "hating on me" to various people when i'm not around.

this whole music thing: what am i doing? what do i expect to gain or accomplish, honestly? do i have delusional dreams of getting signed to some indie label and being able to exist off my music alone? am i really that idealistic? i think i should resign myself to the fact that i'm going to have to get some zombie-in-a-suit job and live like a drone. i should just go ahead and grind my face across the pavement.

i have no idea what i'm doing. at all.