I'm moving to CA in about a month and a half, so I've started the process of going through my mounds of crap, and reducing it dramatically.

It's amazing the stuff I've accumulated, and then subsequently completely forgot about until now. The garbage can is definitely my friend right now.

However, the part that's really bugging me is now having to lease out my place. Luckily, my Dad's a cop who can do the background check for me.

I've never leased a property out before, so I've been asking my friend Debbie, who is a realtor, to make sure I have all my bases covered before I bust out the paperwork for anyone.

It's just now really starting to become solid to me that I'll be gone soon. Throwing stuff into boxes really brings reality home. I really can't wait. Time is moving so slowly now. I'm waiting for it to start whipping by.

In packing, I've found that distraction I've so desperately needed. My insomnia has been kicking into overdrive, leaving me wide-eyed at 4am with the knowledge of work at 8. It's been a long week.

It's incredible, though, how people react when they know you're moving. It really gives you a sense of who is your true friend, and who is not. I've been disappointed by some people I considered very important in my life, and as much as that hurts, I have the knowledge of the people who do care about me to levvy me through this time.

I have my first day at OnStar tomorrow. Wish me luck. With bigger paychecks comes faster debt relief. Hooray! But of course, more importantly - NEW TATTOOS!

I got a call today from Lisa Brownlee to talk about my Warped Tour internship. I was surprised, since I had emailed her weeks and weeks ago, and then she calls about an hour after I was thinking about trying to touch base again.

I cannot fucking wait. I'm probably going to work the Charlotte NC date, then jump on the tour in late August and do all the CA dates. I'm really excited about the LA show. Tiger Army will be performing, so of course most of the AFI boys will probably make an appearance (and yes, I know that's incredibly lame of me, but fuck you I still win!) That also means Jeffree Star will probably be wandering around again, unless he shows up to the Nor Cal dates. Either way, fun will be had.

Seriously, nothing will be cooler than travelling around on Kevin Lyman's bus. And getting to see a bunch of my fave boys again. And free Vans sneakers, woot! Mine are in need of replacing anyway.

After sheer hell these past two months with very little sleep, and many many tears shed, this was such a breath of fresh air. It's been sleepless nights this past week, just like tonight, over all the mundane bullshit that really doesn't deserve as much overprocessing as I'm giving it, but when dealt a hand as I have been lately, it's all I have. Only two months to go, and hopefully I can get my old job at Barnes & Noble back tomorrow and start making money again. Nothing is worse than not being abl to sleep in your own bed for the fear that you won't have a home to put it in should trends continue. I'm horrible with patience, so these two months will be a hardcore test of will.

I finished Empire Beauty School on Thursday and it's very nice to be out of there, though I do miss having something to do in the mornings as of now, but once I have an AM job again that'll change. I can't wait to get to Paul Mitchell in San Francisco and really kick off my makeup training. Courtney and I were watching a video on my MacBook last night in which Cirque du Soleil performers wer featured and all I could do was stare at their makeup and sigh, and long for the chance to do something like that (especially since I'm such a Cirque du Soleil nerd). I never envisioned myself in beauty school years ago, but it's been one of the toughest but best decisions I've made, and I'm proud of it.

Even though circumstances are still very grim in certain respects, right now I feel ok. Not great, not horrible, but okay. And for now that's good enough for me.

At least they are for Ziggy. But then again, puppies are entertained by lint, so whatev.

I feel awful today. I pretty much had that day where you astral project yourself above the scene, look down at the situation and say to yourself "Fuck, I'm done."

I wanted to choke the life out of a coworker of mine today. I had to spend 3 hours with that condescending jackass only to drive all the way to Charlotte for my Pizza Hut orientation to be told I needed to have several legal documents that were at home. What the fuck? I just blew $10 in gas for you to tell me "Sorry, come back next Saturday". God, I hope Express hires me on Wednesday. Fuck Pizza Hut.

On a lighter note, I'm going to Taste of Chaos on Tuesday. It'll be a blast to see The Used for the first time in forever and finally get to hang out for a change. It's the kind of boost I need to keep my head from imploding.

Still working on school transfers though. I can't take this being alone all the goddamn time. I haven't seen Gina in a month, and by this point, really don't give a shit anymore. Our friendship is not what it used to be, and it is due in no part to me. I've made every effort, even calling her on her birthday only to be blown off with a "Sorry, gotta go". Bullshit. Just reminds me who my real friends are.

Speaking of which, I was in Harris Teeter tonight, after going to Blockbuster and renting my "hot date" for the night - being "Fast Food Nation" - and found those Sesame Street cookies I had in Lidia's car. They made me smile and think of CA, so I picked up the box and now Ziggy and I are snuggled on my couch, and he's happily attacking the rawhide bone I got him at Target today.

I keep telling myself patience is everything. Though it feels at points as if madness is as well.

Au dieu mon petit amores. I leave you all for a night of rental movies, diet coke and sleeping pills.

Hurrah.

Got three new tattoos on Friday. One tiny pawprint heart behind each ear, and the Decemberunderground rabbit on the beack of my neck.

I'm planning out my geisha shoulder piece with the artist who worked on me and we'll go forward with that in January. Woot!

Here are my newest additions:

So, here is how the interview went:

I got to NYC around 8 am, so I commuted to 34th street, caught some breakfast, and hung out in the Manhattan Mall and Borders for a bit. I got to my interview a few minutes early and when I got there, three people were already waiting for the next interview group, all dressed up in formal office gear, and here I was in my nice sneakers, a black crew top with wings on the back, and my makeup done up. I looked cute, but not formal.

Just as I was going into mental "Oh Fuck" mode, the producers comes out in green dusters and blue jeans, and I felt totally cool again. It was a round-robin type interview, where you met with a certain person for a few minutes, then moved on. Th first two went good, and the second guy I saw was blown away by my pictures. When I jokingly asked him "So how did I do?" at the end, he pretty much said "Well, you had me at 'I flew here today'", haha.

Then came the interview I was waiting for - Steven's Untitled Rock Show. God, I want to work with this show SOO bad. So, I was still feeling good at this point and met with the two women who run the show. They were so incredibly cool, like the type of women I could hang out with besides work with, you know? We totally hit it off, and went off on a tangent talking about tattoos and live shows, and all in all it felt great.

Walking out of the interview session that day I felt like a million bucks. I wasn't nervous, I tried to be sweet, charming, and just be myself. I think they could really see that. A few of the other people interviewing were really stiff, practiced, and went in with an objective. I went in as Chloe, and wanted them to like me for my work, my drive, and myself. I think they really did.

Now it's time for the waiting game. But, should I get to work with the fine ladies at Steven's, I'll pretty much start crying the second I find out.


ghkrsjghse;rgihsxer;gohsergks I did it!!!!

Today was something else. I found support in one of the least likely of places. As a result, my courseload is cut in half, and I feel so much lighter right now.

For the first time in a long time. School was just a bit too much for the moment. In truth, it was never what I truly wanted, but merely what I was told that I wanted. If things had been left to me, school would have gone onto a back burner this semester. But, things have worked out in the end. I'm still on the paper to add to my clippings, and my journalism teachers reached out to me more than anyone has in a long time. She's going to try and help me find an internship for the spring, so I can still work towards something.

I may go home and sleep on the couch for a few days. Falling asleep on my parents sofa yesterday. I had started to panic in the middle of art class yesterday, so I bailed and called Evelyn, and ended up having lunch with her, Iris, and Christian. I felt safe and loved, and at ease for the first time all week since making a meal of coffee and hydrocodone on Saturday. Relaxing, yes, but entirely unhealthy.

I opened up to my journalism teacher today, basically looking for advice, for something, and she knew just how to direct me, how to make it all seem possible again. She said maybe home is what I need right now, since the first time I truly breathed was sitting on that sofa in my parent's living room. Being alone in the condo all the time is slowly driving me back to old ways. Practices long since abandoned for very good reasons. She said she saw the drive in me, and agreed with me that in my field there are plenty of people who make it far without a degree. For someone my age, I've done alot, and continue to do more, all going towards that distant goal.

After feeling like death for days, and being utterly alone, falling apart these last two days was just what I needed to pick up the pieces, and make something new. Sure enough, when I came home, I got emails back from Ellegirl, the Charlotte Observer, and SPIN concerning internships. I'll know more towards the end of November, each said, so I can set up interviews for Spring positions. Now that I can breathe, I can concentrate on getting a better job, getting my portfolio CD done, and truly getting somewhere.

My work is my life. It is my passion. It is me.

Sometimes completely losing it is the best way to find yourself.

The credtis rolled up and my only thought was "I have to move."

Kayti and I went to see "The Last Kiss" and, as only a good film can do, it got me thinking. The whole main premise of the movie was basically questioning your life, and finding satisfaction in it. I realized tonight with Kayti that if I'm going to find supreme satisfaction, I have no choice other than to go for it.

Talking it over with Kayti I realized how mundane I let things become for so long. How my own ideologies sunk back so far into the realm of practicaliy that it sickened me. I look over at Gina's bedroom door and think to myself, "God, if I had her life I'd kill myself."

I love Gina, honestly, but for someone like her, life is set. Her parents buy her all she needs. She only works 12 hours a week at a job that was handed to her. She lives rent free, has no real worries as far as finances, and has a stable boyfriend. She's going to finish college, get married, and teach. Done. As of now, all she does is tend to her horse, and read massive quantities of books, forsaking all nightime pleasures and miscellaneous adventures that could be had, if she just took the initiative to make a change.

I can't do that. I just can't. That's the reason I'm jumping on that plane Monday. If I were practical, I'd stay home, work my shift, go to classes, and come home and study. As it is, I'm forsaking two days of classes, flying up the east coast, seeing people I've missed for so long, and meeting my favorite band again. Why? Because it is these moments I live for. It is these moments that drive me to wake up in the morning and pursue my career. I've gone to hell and back for photography, and I'll do it again every chance I get because I need it. It is what makes me.

Practicality is a little death, in many ways. My life here in NC by any outlooker is fine. If I were to stay here, I can tell you exactly how it would pan out. But, by moving to CA, I have no clue. All I do know, with absolute certainty, is that I would have fun, and work hard to make it with my work. And that's what I want more than anything.

There are two sides to the spectrum - Gina and I. Practicality vs. lack thereof. If I have the means to pursue my dreams, and wake in the morning with the ability to say "I love my life", than that's worth more than anything. For as much as Gina says she's fine, I look at her and I know she's bored. But she does nothing about it. As it is, things will remain the same for her, but me? I have no idea where I'll be in a year. Or ten. And that thrills me.

I want to laugh, love, cry, hate, bleed, breathe and see it all.

If my mother were alive, she would want this for me, I know. It's because o her that it's all possible in the first place.

She's the greatest rock star I'll ever know.

I'm feeling alot better today. For some reason yesterday, no matter what I did, I couldn't get my head to work right, and I just felt miserable. It's all this stress from the apartment situation, and my Dad being in New Orleans that is killing me.

But things are going to okay. I just keep telling myself that. They'll be okay.

I talked to Justin this morning, which put me at ease alot. He said this summer is the last time they're taking on interns, but that's he'll be hiring a permanent staff once the company gets signed. When that happens, I'm one of the people he'd be willing to sign. It's all up in the air right now, but I really hope it works out. If it does, I'll start off on a salary, and move out to LA. I'm not getting my hopes up though. I have too much on my plate right now to get excited. Once the apartment situation is worked out, and I know I'm not going to be homeless, then I can concentrate on other things.

The weather today is a perfect reflection of my mood - somewhat dreary, but could go either way.

So in the past couple of hours alot has happened. Ok...

1. I saw President Bush this morning. It was a migraine and a half. both getting there (it took me half and hour to get from exit 28 to exit 25!) and sitting through his bullshit. I left halfway through the question and answer session because hearing so many people stand up and go "I didn't have a question, I just wanted to say my family and I pray for you..." time after time was appalling. So, I left and the secret service guys were way intimidating. The protestors were some awesome people though. Getting to my car is a whole other story. I was, however, able to take my professional camera inside, so I'll put the pics up on my site later.

2. I purchased tickets to HFstival again without any clear plan on who will go with me because (a) AFI will be there and (b) HIM will be there, and they never come near me in the US, so therefore (c) I must be there. Last year was a blast, so I can't wait.

3. I found a woman who will possibly be taking over my lease if all works out. I really hope so. So we'll see.

4. I called Justin about getting press clearance to HFStival and Coachella and he said he might go to Coachella himself, which means Enid and I would get press clearance, which would be indescribably awesome. I also contacted the HFStival people about how to get a photo pass, which is a bit easier than press clearance, because it entails no VIP, just rights to a professional camera. 

5. Kayti will be coming with me to see Nine Inch Nails, which will be oh so grand. I tend to purchase tickets without accounting for who will be going with me but hey, someone is bound to show up.

6. I made it back from the Bush event just in time to meet the Adelphia guy and get hooked up with cable so now I must start on my Gandhi presentation and just veg a little while later since I got no sleep after driving to Chapel Hill last night with Enid to see The Editors (who were amazing).

So now I must work on my report and edit my pics so I can post them on my site. 

In the end - every sacrifice is worth it for the music.

Cheers!

Few things can match the feeling I had Friday night.

I arrived at Newark Airport that afternoon and finally met Justin, the co-founder and owner of Rockin' Roadies. We drove straight to the Meadowlands where we got our all-access passes from the office (right across from Thrice's dressing room).

After a quick lunch, we went back to the venue. I was there with my camera all set, my zoom lens and all, snapping off shots of the bands right alongside the official photojournalists sent there by magazines.

In those moments, bathed in the stage lights, standing at the feet of musicians I admire, with the security guards giving a simple nod as I go from backstage to forth it was absolute bliss.

This is what I am meant to do, and what I absolutely love.

At one point, the lead singer from As I Lay Dying was in the hallway. He reminds me of a death-metal version of Davey Havok, so I went up to him and told him their set was great. He gave me the greatest smile and shook my hand (I couldn't hug him because of my camera). It sounds so juvenile, but as I was talking to him all I could think was "God, he's hot." 

Then, Justin took my to Atreyu's dressing room since he's friends with those guys and the lead guitarist was such a sweetheart (and so short! He's about 5'2"!). I got a pic with him I'll post later. Justin had pitched an idea to the owner of Punk-Rock Confidential Magazine (coming out March 25th with a 2-pg Rockin' Roadies Ad in the centerfold) to have a fold-out poster of Atreyu using shots they got last year and some of the ones I took that night of the new road crew and band look for the next issue. That means my work would be in print on a national scale. FUCK YEAH!

After wandering around for a few hours I went to the food room to get some coffee. There, Story of the Year was eating in the next room over, and there were "vegan only" dishes.

Organic coffee with soymilk + a bowl of fresh strawberries = crazy delicious.

I took some pics of The Smashup, an up-and-coming band sort of like SOTY. I ran into the lead guitarist a few times and showed him the shots I took of them. He gave me his email to send the shots, so if I play my cards right, I could definitely make friends with this band. Between them and Atreyu, I was feeling awesome.

I finally got to see Thrice and sang every word to "The Artist in the Ambulance". The security guard at first regarded me kind of stone-faced, as I was just snapping off pics, but when I held my camera tothe side and just sang along with the band, he smiled.

When the night came to a close, the leadsinger of the Deftones bumped into me backstage (eewww...sweaty, but still kind of cool), Lisa (owner of Punk Rock Confidential and Warped Tour top-dog) said she loved meeting me, and Justin said my pics of the night will be placed on the Rockin' Roadies web-page with my name credited.

It's official. I can do nothing else.