... of mine subscribes to a cute little email service called "The Daily Guru."

Each day, this service sends a message of encouragement or support, usually including one or several quotes from different respected spiritual leaders.

The message for Tuesday, November 1st read as follows:

"Ego's Tricks"

"One of the great dangers of transformational work is that the ego attempts to sidestep deep psychological work by leaping into the transcendent too soon. This is because the ego always fancies itself much more "advanced" than it actually is."

-- Don Richard Riso and Russ Hudson

The Tibetan teacher, Chogyam Trungpa, warned of the trap of spiritual materialism. He says we must be ever diligent to spot the ego's use of the spiritual journey to further its own ends. We may think it's spiritual to yearn for divine connection. And yet, if the longing is to fill an emptiness inside, just how does this differ from the one who yearns for money or possessions to fill the inner void? Do we look to our spiritual practices as proof of our evolved consciousness or as protection against fears?

Any time we use spiritual disciplines to maintain our identity and security, we are not yet on the path of genuine spiritual development.

"Enlightenment is ego's ultimate disappointment."

-- Chogyam Trungpa

For me, this type of message always conjure images of a delighted Homer Simpson and Apu as they climb an impossibly tall mountain to seek the guidance of the benevolent and enlightened president and C.E.O. of Kwik-E-Mart!!

However, this one was a little bit more interesting in that it somehow resonated with recent thoughts with which I've been struggling. The notion of "enlightenment" can be a very trendy thing, and just like everything else, there are false versions of it that are just as harmful and addicting as any other dependence can be.

It's a bit ironic coming from something called "The Daily Guru," however, because that same trendiness is what makes services like this successful!!! In fact, all of the self-help books and videos are guilty of covertly navigating this divide simply due to the dual nature of publishing a spiritual message in a capitalist society. One would think that a book, which directs its readers toward detachment from all material possessions, shouldn't be sold for money! But, here we are.

The conundrum is that human beings are, by design, dualistic creatures. And, this has always been amazingly fascinating to me. We're individual animals living in a place where we must be dependent on certain external sustaining forces to survive (i.e. food, water, sex, and in most societies ... money!). But, we're also driven to uncover our spiritual connection as well ... something that by its very nature should lead us to forgo our individuality in deference to our universal connectedness ... or whatever common parlance is calling it these days.

I personally think that it's this struggle between those two driving forces that defines us as human beings. Fancy people have writing about the concept for thousands of years using countless metaphors: yin and yang, male and female, heaven and earth, physical and spiritual. This surplus of available examples indicates a struggle that has been going on throughout history. People have been searching for an explanation for this dichotomy for thousands of years, and trying to explain it using whatever the current debate is.

I think the only way to be truly enlightened is to have finally conquered that duality; to be a master of both your physical and your spiritual side. The yin yang symbol has two opposing sides, but it's the whole circle, the two sides together, that comprises the complete symbol. It's the combination of the two opposed forces that creates the peace the symbol represents.

Anything for which you actively wish, or strive, or reach in life is part of the material world. If it's a desire that you feel as though you "need" ... it's an animal desire; a physical desire. Even when it's a "need" to be spiritually advanced, it still falls into this category. This, I believe, is the mistake that causes fanatically "religious" people to be so preachy and act so entitled. They see themselves as more spiritually advanced than others. They think they're the ones who have it right, and everyone else is simply splashing around in the shallow waters just trying to stay afloat. But even in the Christian mythology, Jesus doesn't differentiate between this person and that. He doesn't believe any one is more advanced than the next. He doesn't even separate himself from the group. He says things like, "we are all ..." and, "Our father ..." He felt his connection to all of them.

When you begin to slowly realize, piece by piece, that you don't need anything ... that none of these material wants and desires matters in the least. I believe that's the true spiritual journey. Strip away all of the so-called needs, and sever your dependence on any of the material, worldly ideas or goals. That would be truly enlightened.

But, unfortunately we live in a society that values material success. In fact, I personally live in a city that thrives on it! As a result, my version of the conundrum seems somehow amplified. With all of this stimuli calling me to lose myself in the "deep" end of the pool, how can I possibly stay afloat using only my version of the spiritual search?

One of my favorite quotes seems to answer this question as it speaks to the very duality that causes it. It's a Taoist verse that instructs, "Live wholly in the world while maintaining a connection to the source." My interpretation is that we are living in this world, as physical beings, for a reason ... so let's live fully. Let's have a robust, abundant life. But, let's not allow ourselves to get lost in it all the details of it ... the minutia. Let's always actively maintain a connection to the "source" ... "god" ... "nature" ... whatever you want to call it. If we struggle to constantly put all of our day-to-day stuff against that backdrop ... if we work hard to enjoy our connection to everything that goes on around us ... every day ... I think then we'll be all right.

Because, in the end, and I think it was the great sage Homer Simpson who said it, "It's all just a bunch of stuff that happened."

... just sent me a cute little postcard from Lyon, France, one of the many stops during their several week tour of southern Europe. They spend much of their semi-retired time doing various forms of outreach and missionary work, making me and my three siblings seem entirely egocentric in the process! They've been married for nearly forty years, and I couldn't have asked for better parents.

Of course, there is a curse that goes along with that luck that isn't readily apparent from the outside. On the surface, it would seem that having that model to emulate would make it easier to find and create a lifelong relationship of my own. I think the opposite might be true.

It seems as though the concept of marriage has changed so much over the past many years, especially in western culture (and even more specifically here in Los Angeles!), that it's become nearly impossible to find someone whose values and patience are such that they understand the promise they're making when they commit to that pact. Divorce doesn..t have the social taboo that it once did, and in fact, it's become the easy answer to anyone's unhappiness in marriage. It's a rare person who actually means those words they say when they commit themselves to the needs of their new union, and places their own personal needs in a subordinate position.

Those words are so cliche now, even the ceremony is cliche. They've lost their power, their value, and worst of all their meaning.

In the past, when two people would marry, it was usually for something that was greater than either of them individually. It was for family, or for lineage, or even for their version of God. It had meaning that transcended the relationship, with all its clumsy difficulties, and created something that meant more to both of them than they each meant alone. This value would cause the partners to struggle through or bear most of the petty differences they may have had ... the differences that ANY two people will have ... and build the kind of bond that can ONLY be built over time. They believed that they had to do this, because there WAS no other choice. This family WAS their life. They would find ways to overcome the same types of difficulties that today cause people to start liquidating all of their assets! And, as they did this, they grew to love each other even more!

When I was a kid I can remember very clearly a time when I HATED my sister. I remember the two of us getting into so many fights it was ridiculous. I even remember throwing a brick at her once!! But we were (and are) family. You can't sever that tie. You can't divorce your sister. She's blood. She's always going to be a part of your life. I love my sister. And now we have a better relationship than ever. We talk all the time, and we can talk about anything. She knows that I'll always be there for her, and I believe the same about her. If we had "divorced" when we were kids, we would never have reached this evolved point in our relationship. It's something that can only happen by spending all that time, living all of those experiences, and overcoming all of those obstacles ... together.

My parents had some rough patches too. My father was very dedicated to his work, and he would spend much of his time, even at the house, writing, dictating memos, reading documents. He was very focused. Of course, this would sometimes leave my mother, who was a bit more spiritual and emotionally inclined, feeling a little bit alone and unappreciated. I'm sure it had been building for some time, but eventually there was a point when it began to surface. They talked about it. They went to a counselor. It took some time, but they did what they needed to do to reconcile this personality trait of my father with the needs and wants of my mother. To this day, when we all meet back home for Thanksgiving or Christmas dinner, when the meal is finished, my father will give my mother a loving rub on the shoulders and softly say the words, "Good dinner, Dear." Every time. In fact, it became such a regular thing for him to acknowledge her in this way, that now even my brothers and sister sometimes jokingly say the same words. "Good dinner, Dear!" My mom always laughs. I think because she knows that this was one of many small solutions to the issues that they once had. It was just a simple way in which my father altered his daily routine to address one of my mother's needs in their relationship. They talked about it. He understood it. It didn't cost him anything but a moment, and it made my mother happy to hear the words each day and know that he valued the efforts she was making.

I can trace nearly all of my character traits, even the eccentric ones, back to some combination of my mother and father's personalities. Even though I've ended up in a completely different career, I'm as focused as my father, and even though I've made completely different life choices, I find myself intrigued by spiritual mysteries the same as my mother. You can very clearly see that the personality of my life has followed their combined lead.

However, several years ago, I consciously "gave up" trying to find the perfect partner ... the romantic ideal. The one with whom I could have some inkling of a chance to emulate the relationship my parents have had together. I decided that it was okay if I didn't get married, and in fact surrendered to the idea that I would NEVER get married. It actually seemed to help me relax a bit in relationships having that pressure lifted, knowing that it didn't have to be a perfect relationship. I found I was able to enjoy more fully the person I was with and the time we would spend, simply because that one big expectation was no longer there. People grow and change, of course, and there's always new information to add to the mix, so I do keep a "you never know" attitude about it. But, as the institution continues to crumble and disintegrate, it seems more and more clear that the marriage path ... the one my parents have walked so well ... is one path on which I won't be following their lead.

Reading this postcard makes me wish that weren't the case.

They're having a great time. The scenery is beautiful. The food has been incredible, even in the retreat house in which they're staying.

It's my mom's handwriting.

They had a free day, which they spent walking around Lyon, a beautiful spring day, with lots of flowers.

"But," she writes, "Dad and I were pooped by 3:30. It seems as though our bodies think we are old fogies ... despite what our minds and hearts might say!"

And, with inherent power of attorney, she signs, "Love, Mom & Dad."

My dad addressed the card.

He probably mailed it as well.

... that every guy who doesn't look like a complete troll is automatically assumed to be a manipulative ass??

Isn't it possible that there exist some men who do care about their physical appearance, who do enjoy the company of women, and who actually value the idea of honesty and direct communication in social relationships? Isn't it possible that not all men who groom themselves are gay (surprise!), and not all of these non-gay men are assholes who are simply trying to add another notch to their bedpost??

I realize that it's become more and more difficult to meet and get to know people nowadays, when most of the stories we see or read are stories depicting either extreme happiness or extreme pain. There doesn't seem to be a middle ground anymore. People are either both searching and hoping for the sparkles of romantic bliss, or they're cowering and hiding from the potential pain that every new interaction might bring. What ever happened to the idea of two human beings having that first simple, honest conversation with no expectation of anything ... good or bad ... an honest, adult exchange, with only the truth of the words as they come.

I know some of blame lies with all of the actual predators out there (and no, I'm not talking about the creepy alien dude that Schwarzenegger fought before he got into politics). And, I'm certainly not claiming to be without a checkered past of my own. After all, I went through high school, but I think the point of all that mischievous behavior at that age is so that we CAN learn from our mistakes. We have those experiences to hopefully teach us how our actions do affect people and how other's actions affect us.

We're supposed to grow past all that.

Unfortunately, though, some of us still haven't. And the part that makes it all so tricky is that now that we've all "grown up" on the outside, we give off the IMPRESSION that we've also grown up on the inside!!

Maybe some of the blame lies with all of the romantic fairytales that we see every Friday night at the multiplex. We've all been so trained by the expectation of fantasy that we forget that the real world is a little bit more clumsy than all that. It's a little bit more real! We've become so enthralled with the latest John Mayer or Chris Martin lyric that we begin to believe it's possible to live our lives as a constant reflection of those ideas. We forget that music and art are supposed to point our thoughts toward ideas that CAN'T be expressed in any other way, toward moments that we feel in our soul that can't be described without color and canvas, or melody and harmony. These pictures are SUPPOSED to be fantastic. They give us something to reach for, but they were never meant to be the litmus test against which we compare our daily lives!

Unfortunately, it seems that everyone IS holding out for that romantic ideal. Everyone is striving to mimic that story in the latest movie or book that made them feel alive for a moment or two. And then, as soon as the lights come up, they crawl back into their defensive shell to protect themselves from all the other defensive people who are hiding insecurities behind their list of conquests, accomplishments, and cocky inuendo. Never strong enough to say, "hello" to the person with whom they may actually have a chance of that kind of excitement, and never confident enough to turn their nose back down and simply be themselves when that special person actually steps out of his or her OWN shell long enough to initiate the "what's up."

I guess, when you break it all down, the blame really lies with each of us. Maybe we should all just grow up as much on the inside as we have on the outside. Stop treating each other like characters in our own selfish little master plan, and start treating each other like human beings. Give everyone the same value ... the trolls ... AND the well-groomed hetros!! Be straight and honest, and trust that people are being straight and honest with us in return. And, try not to worry so much about being hurt or hurting someone else. We're all pretty friggin' resilient. We bounce back fairly well.

Maybe if we all started treating each other with more of that kind of respect there wouldn't be so many of us single twenty and thirty-somethings blogging on the damned internet!!

Of course, then Tom would have to go back to workin' for the MAN!!

I guess there's a downside to everything!