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I've got a couple measly posts up right now, but expect great things in the future!

I wrote this blog sometime in the summer, but never got around to posting it because it wasn’t completely finished. It could still use some proofreading and editing, but I feel that I had better post it now or I won’t ever. As it is now, I'm pretty sure it's gonna piss off a few people who are very important to me, but I started to realize that everything I believe pisses off everyone, so I might as well put it out there rather than be two-faced about it. So while I still have the motivation, here it is. The final chapter of my story.

*At the end of this blog is a brief rant on some philosophical/theological issues that had come to me while I was writing. I tried to fit them in the context of the blog, but it just didn’t work out, and they were too long. So for those of you who are not of the philosophical bent, feel free to skip that last part.

August of 2006. I moved in to an apartment with three friends from work. One atheist, one Catholic, and one agnostic (Although I don’t believe the atheist was actually an atheist at that time. It wasn’t until after he had read Atheist Univerise by David Mills that he made his final decision. I’m not quite sure, though.). At this point, although my faith has been visibly shaken during the summer after my freshman year of college, I still maintained a Christian label. I had read my first few philosophy of religion books that summer, both by Stephen M. Cahn. They were simply excellent books; good, easy reads, and very deep in analysis as well. But anyway, on with my story.

At this point in my life, I hated God. I still believed, but I had no idea why He would taunt me with an unreachable happiness. I felt like an animal with a treat dangling just out of reach, held by an evil owner. I wanted to know why. I wanted a reason. God has a plan. I heard this one a lot. Anytime something bad happens, people say that. But when something good happens, it’s all Praise the Lord! Seemed to me that no matter what God did, he didn’t get blamed. I felt it was time that God grew up and showed some goddamn responsibility.

The first half of my sophomore year of college was a slow one for me, as far as my philosophical growth is concerned. I took Human Anatomy during the Fall semester, which means that I didn’t have a life, and what little life I did manage to find reeked of formaldehyde and rotting corpse. (Yes, anatomy was the worst class ever. Don’t ever take it.) Although I didn’t get to do much reading, I did have time to discover the Tao Te Ching and the other wonderful writings of Taoism. I can say this to you right now in full confidence that if I were forced to choose a religious belief system, it would be this one. No other set of beliefs put forth by any religion before or after Taoism can even compare to the supreme goodness that is the wisdom of the Tao. Every time I read the Tao Te Ching, I am reminded of my fondness for religious belief. Sometimes I wish I could commit to something like that. Having that feeling of comfort and confidence (albeit rooted in absolutely nothing) that there was something more than this earthly existence was a great feeling to have. I do miss it. But just as every child discovers there is no Tooth Fairy, no Santa Claus, and (thankfully) no Boogeyman, I, too, had to eventually shed my veil of ignorance.

Just as the last blog was organized, this one too hinges on an all-important aspect of the human condition: relationships. It seems to me, in retrospect, that pretty much all of my spiritual/intellectual growth outside of school (i.e., my studies of religion and philosophy) has taken place within the context of my relationship at the time. I was religious by-default, dated a Mormon, and then studied Christianity. After that experience, I kinda remained stagnant. Didn’t much go anywhere; I just stayed in my liberal Christian phase. Then, during anatomy (that tortuous hell of a class), I met a nice young Catholic woman, whom we shall call Susan. We became close, and started dating. In the early stages, I made clear my religious beliefs. She was aware that I did not much care for organized religion at all, and I felt that religious belief was an individual matter, and nobody had the right to dictate public policy based on it, or to infect other facets of society with it. It is strictly a private issue, extending no farther than one’s friends and family, if one chooses to take it that far, that is. In spite of these warning signs, we still tried to make it work. And we did. Pretty well. For about a year and a half.

In the course of our relationship, I took a liking to popular atheist literature: Richard Dawkins’ The God Delusion, Christopher Hitchens’ God Is Not Great, Sam Harris’ The End Of Faith, and Daniel Dennett’s Breaking The Spell. (The Four Horsemen, as they are called in atheist circles) Although I openly read and discussed these books, and listed them publicly as my favorite books, I still didn’t consider myself an atheist. When Susan had become aware that I was so interested in these books, she became quite distressed and I had to smooth things over by explaining that I only read them because these are the only set of writers who shared my views on the evils of organized religion. At this point I publicly identified myself as a Taoist, although the way I viewed it was more of a philosophical approach to viewing life, rather than a religious belief system, since there is neither a tangible concept of God nor a set of moral codes like there is in Christianity. After this close call, however, I began to do a lot of thinking. Slowly but surely, I simply realized one day, “Holy shit, maybe I AM an atheist!” It had never really occurred to me that this was a tangible option. I remember when my roommate first de-converted. I was amazed at it. I couldn’t fathom that position. But the more I learned about it, apparently, the more it simply made sense. I had been living my life for quite some time as if there were no God, so what is the point in pretending that there might still be one? I didn’t become any less moral. In my opinion, I became far more moral. Not only was I being moral without hope of eternal reward (how selfish is that, anyway?), but I had dropped the prejudices that the Bible repeatedly propounds, for instance that against homosexuality. (If you can permit a short rant here… How the HELL do Christians justify hating homosexuals so much? For instance, I know one girl who is a nice, reasonable person. She’s great to hang out with, fun to talk to, all that good stuff. But one day, in the midst of a conversation, we approached the subject of homosexuality. I, assuming far too much of people apparently, generally operate under the assumption that my friends aren’t ignorant enough to still think homosexuality is somehow inherently bad or wrong. But, much to my surprise, she managed to simultaneously claim to not hate homosexuals, being that she was friends with many of them, and also assert that homosexuality is wrong. I was shocked. I remained silent for a little while as she talked on about other things because I simply didn’t know how to respond to such bigotry. Okay, we can leave this subject… for now.)

So in a nutshell, I realized that I was an atheist. The question came to mind… what the hell do I do about this? Who can I tell? Should I tell anyone? Is it better kept secret? I didn’t know what to do. I knew if I told Susan, it would be over. So I simply had to keep it to myself. I couldn’t even tell my closest friends, for fear that it might somehow come around to her. Because of the way this society is built, and the way that Christianity is structured, I couldn’t reveal who I truly was to ANYBODY. I can’t even begin to put it into words how painful this was. Imagine yourself in a situation like this. There is something that you believe, that if those close to you found out about, they would break contact with you entirely. This actually has happened to me. A certain person, with whom I once attended church, claimed to be “saddened” by my religious views when they found out about them. I haven’t spoken with that person since that fateful statement. Not that I wouldn’t be open to communication, but the other party is simply doing what so many of the others in the religion tell him/her to do. You can’t be a Christian and maintain your faith if you’re friends with someone like me. When it comes to choosing between real friends and imaginary friends, the imaginary ones win every time. And it breaks my heart, because it lets me know exactly how much I was worth in the first place. No matter how good the rest of you may be, no matter how PERFECT you are, if you don’t believe there is a dude in the sky, you aren’t worthy of their time.

So there I was, alone. Completely and utterly alone. Nobody who knew me then knew who I really was. I could remain alone, keep up the façade, and keep my real relationship going, or come out and lose the thing I cared about the most. It came down to choosing between what was best for me, and what was best for us. I chose us. But, of course, through some cosmic force of retarded karma, I got what was coming to me. Susan eventually realized that I would never believe again, atheist or agnostic, or Taoist, or whatever. I wasn’t going back to Christianity. And she decided that was it. Out of nowhere, I got blindsided. I guess that’s what I get for thinking of others. I guess that’s the payoff for focusing on character over ritual. But I can’t blame her. When you grow up in a religion your whole life, and you don’t know anything else, it can be scary as hell thinking about leaving. And it can’t be easy staying with someone who you know disagrees with you on what you feel are very important issues. I know it’s far more comforting to stick with what you know. I’m not one of those people, but I recognize that it is easier. And so I accepted my fate, regardless of how unfair it seemed to me.

After this whole scenario, I decided there was no more point in hiding. I declared myself an atheist, and I didn’t care who knew. I’m not planning on running for political office, so I have nothing to lose. And by being up front about it, I get to weed out the people who can’t handle it. No more masks, no more let-downs. This is me, and I’m not going anywhere. A lot of people are offended at just the idea that someone can hold a belief that there is no god. And a lot of people interpret my reasons that I give for being an atheist as offensive in themselves, although they don’t get offended when a Jew, Muslim, or Buddhist gives their reasons for being what they are as opposed to Christian. Their reasons imply the wrongness of your belief as much as mine do. The only difference is I have actual reasons. Explicit, thought-out, and well articulated. It’s not hidden behind the poetry of some guy who wrote some stuff down a several hundred years ago. They’re my own thoughts. I’m thinking for myself, and most people think that is a good thing. But apparently not. Because it seems that every time I think for myself and then voice my opinion, I piss everybody off. It’s a scary feeling. Knowing that nobody out there seems to share your opinion. Nobody seems to care. No one wants to hear it. No one wants anything to do with it. They just want you to shut your mouth so they can get on with their lives without having to think or question things.

I can’t help that I’m different. I can’t help that I’m atheist. It’s the only thing that has ever made sense to me. I feel like I’m the only one who cares about this life. And I feel completely alone in this life because of it.




[Digression on Philosophy: I was recently reminded of the conversation I used to have with my atheist former-roommate. He told me that I had sworn that I would never become an atheist. I believe at that point I considered myself an agnostic. But how did I go from Christian to agnostic, and why? In all honesty, it is kind of a blurry memory. I don’t exactly remember when or where I made the transition. I just know that it happened. My best guess would be that I lost my faith based on philosophical problems. Most scholars of philosophy would tell you that the problem of evil is the strongest argument against the existence of God. For me, the problem of evil wasn’t that strong of a motivator. I was more inclined to the logical contradictions found in the definition of God, and the subsequent troubles that arise when one tries to re-define God to avoid the contradictions. This, to me, seemed to be a bit of academic and religious trickery. If we start with the standard definition of God that the majority of people accept and most mainstream churches endorse, and then at the end of the argument we find ourselves arguing about something that no longer resembles the previously defined God, are we still talking about the same thing as when we started? Is it really right to define God as whatever is logically coherent and then leave it at that? Once the God of the majority has been defeated, that’s it. End of story. When it comes to debating religions (as in organized religions), the majority rules. Once you’ve shown the God of the Protestants to be logically impossible, then you’ve shown their faith to be wrong. It isn’t fair for them to redefine dogma. That’s not possible. Dogma is dogma. It doesn’t change. It doesn’t bend. It’s the final line. Game over. Once you redefine it, then you have to start some other church, some other religion, and then go from there. The Protestant God of the past would now be as defunct as Roman or Greek gods.

This is why I can’t quite understand people who individualize their “own form of Christianity”. Most of the intellectual Christians have taken their faith so far from what the majority believes that I don’t understand how they can honestly call themselves Christians. They appear to be more like deists than theists, even. My best guess is that they are afraid of the social stigma attached to being a non-Christian in this country (and this is a truly sickening state of affairs, indeed). I just want to know what the limit is at which you can no longer bend and stretch and ignore certain issues in the Bible that are undeniably scientifically incorrect and morally wrong. As a former intellectual Christian, I am fully aware of the fact that you absolutely have to ignore about 90% of the Hebrew Scriptures. It’s just terrible from start to finish. The ideals it teaches are horrible, and there is no way around it. But then another problem arises, once you stop taking the Hebrew Scriptures literally. The entire idea of Jesus saving us from Original Sin is rooted in the literal interpretation of the Book of Genesis. Since that’s only metaphor, that means that God literally sent his own son/self to Earth to die a horrible death for a metaphorical sin that never actually happened. WHAT?! Even if that were true, I would never worship a God capable of such cruelty and stupidity. There are easier ways to send a message to your people than that when you are omnipotent. And there is CERTAINLY a better way to do it if one is an omnibenevolent God, or at the very least a decently moral God. (I must admit here that this metaphorical sin idea was not mine, but that of Richard Dawkins) :End Digression]

Welcome, loyal readers. Time for the next installment of my religious evolution. So where were we? Post-High-School, right? Let's do it.

(I've decided to change the names of all parties involved that I must mention, out of respect. [It's not like I'm gonna be speaking ill of them, but I don't know who all would be bothered by being talked about on someone's public blog, so this is the safe route.] However, since so many of the readers of this blog are people that know me and my history pretty well, it will be pretty easy for all of you to deduce who I will be mentioning. I ask that if any of you must comment about any of these people, stick to the pseudonyms, please. And if anyone mentioned here is offended or wants their story removed, let me know I'll make the necessary editing.)

From the moment I graduated high school, my life began a fairly quick period of self-development. I started laying out by the pool getting tan, worked out rigorously, grew my hair out real long, and finally I was able to grow my facial hair out in the style I had wanted since probably middle school (is it weird that I was already thinking about things like this in middle school?). Things were really changing in my life. Going off to college, experiencing a greater independence, and also shouldering much more responsibility. I was being liberated. From my home, most of my friends, my former school, my former rules, my lifestyle. My lifestyle was the first one to go. Everything from what I wore to what I did, said, or thought about changed in the first year after high school. First I liberated my body. Then, midway through freshman year of college, my mind as well.

Ever-approaching the end of high school, the development of my own self-control gave me a newfound, never-before-seen confidence (it was new, but not very great in strength). I was tan, in great shape, and had beautiful hair (bwahaha). So we all know what that summer was about: ladies. And LOTS of them. Or so goes the typical male fantasy. In my case, however, I found one. One that I found endlessly entertaining. Let's call her Danielle. She was a very religious person, but not necessarily the kind that I rant on and on about in my usual blogs. This one was more knowledgeable, sincere, and inquisitive than most. She wasn't your typical Christian. She also happened to be a member of the Church of Jesus Christ of the Latter Day Saints, or as you lovingly (or perhaps unlovingly, given all the heat Romney took a while back) know them: Mormons. Now, the typical Mormon tradition is to date and marry (rather expediently, often times) within the LDS church. This is in accordance with most other Christian traditions, although the LDS doctrine creates additional hurdles that one must clear in addition to the normal "But which church will our kids go to?" problems and other questions of that type caused by bi-denominational marriages. Not only is the family unit heavily stressed in this life, but also in the heavens (and no, the pluralization of that word is not a mistake). The LDS church, as I understand it, states in their teachings that if an entire family is baptized (come to think of it, I don't really know if that's what they call it... let's go with 'initiated', to be as broad as possible) into the LDS church, and the husband and wife are married in the Temple (it's the VIP club of the Mormon church, so to speak), then that family will also remain together as a family in the heavens. This creates a large obstacle in interfaith marriages with Mormons, as one's non-LDS spouse is actually holding you back from a better afterlife because they don't pray to God in a building owned by the same people who own the building in which you pray.

Digression AKA Rant: This "family in heaven" idea has always interested and confused me. It seems to me that this implies a type of segregation or social stratification in heaven. I mean, if I die, and when I awaken, there are class structures again, I'll be pretty certain that I've gone to hell. In addition to this backwards logic, it also contradicts with another teaching. In the metaphysical department, the prophets of the LDS church have said that all souls are pre-existing (before creation) and were originally in the heavens with God, created by Him, all as brothers... or sisters... Honestly, it is ridiculous to attempt to assign gender to a soul at all... but you know what I mean. They were related in the same sense I am related to my brothers: we were all created by the same people. So God created all his children simultaneously, I presume. A large pink elephant friend of mine once commented to me that this technically made Jesus and Lucifer siblings, which was an interesting thought. But how can we all be soul-siblings, yet when our souls return to the heavens, we are now more strongly bound to a small group of our soul-siblings? Cliques in heaven? Really? I just don't understand.
End Digression/Rant

Okay, so back to my story. So Danielle and I dated for quite some time. I enjoyed the relationship, so naturally I had to check out the LDS church and consider conversion (At this time I considered myself a non-denominational Christian because all of my beliefs were private, although not well-thought out. Basically, I believed that there was a God, His existence was compatible with Evolution and Science, He took interest in our lives, and the Bible was a helpful, albeit hard-to-read book). In my studies of the LDS church, I came to two main conclusions: 1) the church either creates or strictly recruits good, kind, and fun people (for the most part, there are bad seeds in every crowd), and 2) some of their beliefs are wiggity wack, not just regular type. At the time I thought it was only that mainstream church of Christianity that had gone off the deep end. (Much, much, later I would come to the conclusion that it wasn't just them, but religions in general.)

While I was studying the LDS church, I also began my first bout with studying the Bible. I read the New Testament straight through in a couple weeks (I had planned to start with the Hebrew Scriptures, but Danielle advised against it, and for good reason, I would later come to find). I wanted to make sure I took my time and absorbed as much of it as I could. I thought long and hard about what I was reading. Some of it was fascinating, some utterly confusing or even frightening, and some downright ridiculous. My favorite parts of the NT were the stories in which Jesus would instruct in his prophetic, mystical language or parables, and also his straightforward ethical exhortations. (And I still enjoy Jesus' teachings, for the most part, which is good, because before my de-conversion I got a tattoo of the three nails of the crucifixion on my chest to remind myself of that very fact.) I couldn't really get into any of the theology or apocalyptic warnings (Paul was a crazy bastard. There, I said it.). Metaphysics and endtimes simply didn't interest me. They weren't real to me. The ethics, that's what counts. Because we must know what is ethical to live out our daily lives. It serves me, or any other single person on this planet, no purpose at all to know that God is really a triune god, three-in-one, therefore technically Christianity is not polytheistic. It doesn't help anyone to know eunuchs cannot enter the kingdom of God (Speaking of which... WHHAAAATTTT???!!! What purpose could that possibly serve? Yeah, we don't want all those laid-back civil servants in heaven, they'd just bum everyone out, with their no testicles and all).

So ethics became my thing. After a while, I couldn't reconcile much of the ethical teachings of the Bible with my own reason and logic. I decided the Bible wasn't entirely trustworthy, but somehow it didn't damage my commitment to being a Christian. I simply looked at it like, "All these crazy asses are ruining Christianity! I'll just stick to my perspective and keep the Christian label. Why should I change my identity because a few powerful ultra-conservative lunatics are giving my religion a bad name?" And with this in mind, I took a hard turn to the left straight for liberal, individualized Christianity. After writing my final essay for my expository writing class, I had decided that organized religion was the true cause of corruption, because it discouraged people to use their own reason and work things out on their own. Rather than being taken what they were fed, I believed that people should work out their own religious destiny (Phillipians 2:12 - "work out your own salvation with fear and trembling" I liked this, except for I would replace fear and trembling with reason and common sense).

So, as you already know, or may have guessed if you don't, the prospects of continuing my relationship with Danielle for much longer were steadily declining. Liberalism is not the norm among the LDS church members. So, inevitably, after a long period of lying both to myself and her, our time together had to come to an end. It was pretty much set in stone that I could never of my own unbiased volition convert. My views were simply not compatible with theirs. Although all this was a very troubling and emotional experience, I do not regret it. I view it as a very positive experience. Without this experience, I may never have discovered my true passion for religion and philosophy as fields of study. If you want to look at it from an overly simplistic point of view, you could say that if I hadn't dated a Mormon, I never would be the atheist I am today. Of course those two facts are not directly related (nor completely logically sound), only indirectly over a long line of causal changes (each one as important as the last) which culminated, ultimately, to my de-conversion. But for where my story ends today, we can place my beliefs as still Christian, however radical one might think them to be.

So that all covers freshman year of college. Sophomore year, I moved into an apartment with an atheist, with whom I had numerous discussions concerning the philosophy of religion, and even took a class with him on the subject. Did he play an integral role in my de-conversion? Was he the Mr. Gorbachev who broke down that wall?

How about we tackle those questions next blog? This one is getting a tad bit long and I'm getting a little tired of sitting here and typing (I've been working on this for almost two hours now. I put a lot of work into my blogs, so I greatly appreciate all of your comments. Constructive criticism is preferred, but anything is better than nothing. So if you have something to say about anything I write, please leave a comment. I always look forward to more extracurricular conversations). I thank all of you who take the time to even read this, and those of you who leave insightful comments are thanked doubly. I hope you enjoy your time at my blog.

I need to blog more. I miss writing. Thought me up a good idea a little bit ago. I want to take a journey, back through my life. I want to articulate, for myself and the few readers interested enough to still read my blogs, how I got to where I am today. I am referring to this "where", of course, in a... how should I say.. spiritual sense. I need to trace the milestones along the path I took during my life as I went from decent believer to radical skeptic and outright atheist. I think this should be fun, not only for me to write, but, hopefully, also for whoever-you-are to read this. I suppose this would best be done in segments, so this journey will likely span several blogs. I'd like to start with the earliest religious contemplations of mine that I can remember.

Other than when my parents would occasionally drag me to church for the standard holidays (easter, thanksgiving, etc.), I was raised fairly free from religious oppression, at least in my household (the peers, however, were a different story). I first began attending church of my own volition around middle school, albeit for the wrong reasons: girls. The girls I was interested in were attending the church youth meetings, thus logic dictates that I must be attending church youth meetings as well. Typically teenager brain-wiring, right? I remember at one point everyone was talking about "being saved". I had no clue what they were talking about, all I could gather about it at first was that it involved being dropped in water, and you couldn't get in to heaven without it. What a predicament. I mean, heaven sounds cool, but these are my church clothes, I can't get them all wet!

So anyway, I never got saved because I never could quite figure out what the hell it was. (In retrospect, I was a skeptical little kid sometimes... Cool.) The most memorable thought I had in my period of church-going was one actually brought into question the timing of religious devotion and when it should occur in my life. It's really quite funny now. I remember looking around the church during services and seeing so many old people. I mean, RIDICULOUS amounts of old people. The old to young ratio was quite high. So I thought to myself, "I'm still young! I got plenty of time to devote my life to church and earn all them Jesus points and get to Heaven." God, I was such a pragmatist.

So after middle school, all through high school, I moved along stagnant in my beliefs, because I simply didn't think about them, really. I mean, at my high school graduation, I had not read the Bible, probably not even an entire book from it, and yet I still considered myself a committed Christian. I didn't know anything about the supposed Jewish prophecies from the Hebrew Scriptures (that's what you're supposed to call the "Old Testament", as oblivious Christians call it, unaware of the fact that it's kinda like a slap in the face to the Jewish people). I didn't know what the four gospels were, or what was in any of them. Actually, I didn't even know that's what a gospel was. I just knew that people talked about the spreading the gospel and stuff like that, they never actually specified which one.

It really blows my mind when I reflect on all of this. I was 18 years old. Ready to vote. Ready to die in a war (if I got drafted, that is). Ready to make an impact on the world. And I was completely uneducated on the top-selling book of all time, which also, arguably, is the least read book of all time, when you weigh how many copies are sold each year versus how many people actually read it after that (Not that simply reading it would do much, other than familiarize oneself with the text. There is seriously so much background information and context that you can't get from reading the Bible alone, you have to read many, many books. Or, you could be a religious studies minor, and take a class on Christian Scriptures, like me). Looking back on all this, truly something is wrong with this country. How can so many people be so uneducated about the Bible in a crazy-ass Christian country like this one? Something is surely amiss with either our schools (most likely) or our culture in general. Everyone purports to be so sure about the metaphysical universe but they've done little or no research. Hmm... I keep getting lost in digressions. My main point here is that I, like so many others, was almost completely religiously illiterate. And yet I had no problem asserting truths that I had no real knowledge of, simply operating by default, it seems.

After high school is when my religious roller coaster ride began. And that's where I'll pick up on the next blog. Goodnight, all.

http://www.baltimoresun.com/entertainment/movies/news/bal-to.compass24oct24,0,5108746.story

This article is about how some Christian organization is protesting a movie because it advances or sells the values and virtues of atheism. In the name of reason and rationality, let me just say... WTF?! Aren't these the same people who think that all atheists are spiritually and emotionally deprived outcasts who have a tendency to be violent? Why would they not want the positive side of atheism to be shown? They always argue that atheism causes immoral behavior (Hitler, Stalin, among many others). So in their line of reasoning, this would actually help the problem that they cite! Maybe they're afraid they won't have an argument anymore. I just don't understand it. What do they have to fear from the minority of atheists (I think it's less than 10% of America) if they have so much "faith" that their Bible is the real truth? Oh, well. I guess there's nothing that can be done. Like I always say, Love Thy Neighbor... unless he/she does not believe in your God.

"To know others is to be knowing;
To know yourself is to know all.
To rule others is to be ruling;
To rule yourself is to rule all.

To be intent is to be bold;
To be content is to be wealthy.
To be aware is to be healthy.
To die but not die is to never grow old."

 

 -  Excerpt from The Way: According to Lao Tzu, Chuang Tzu, and Seng Tsan by Gerald Schoenewolf.

I'd like to share with you a portion of an essay that I recently wrote for a spirituality project in my stress management class. I figured it would make a good blog. I cut out a piece in the middle that wasn't entirely necessary for my purposes here, nor did I think it appropriate to post it. Also, keep in mind that my references to a textbook are talking about the book we used in my class. You need not worry about that. Just read, and enjoy.

In this western world, people are very goal-oriented; they have many goals in their lives. In the life of a Taoist, there is only the Way. What use do we have for goals? We are already on the Way. You cannot reach your goal until you have reached the end of your path, so why worry about the goal? In time, it will take care of itself. Find your path, your unique Way, for that is the true goal. To have goals is to say that your current reality is not where you want it to be, and there is a better place for you to be, or something better for you to be doing. This is not healthy. If your goal is the Way which you are currently on, then what worry could you possibly have? You are at the goal, for you are on the Way. What else does one have to do now, but enjoy life?

It is important that I emphasize that Taoism is not my religion, I have no religion. In fact, I am very against the entire idea of religion, especially in its organized form. During the agnostic period of my life, I began to read a lot of atheist literature, such as The God Delusion by Richard Dawkins, or The End of Faith by Sam Harris. The rise in popularity of atheist literature definitely had a huge impact on my religious journey. These books did not, and cannot, prove to me beyond a reasonable doubt that some type of God, or creator, or source of life does not exist. But they have convinced me that religion is a very powerful force that almost always inevitably falls into the hands of the wicked and is used to justify the most horrifyingly evil acts that the human mind can conjure. I need not get into the details, however. My point is that I am not a religious Taoist. I consider my Taoist worldview to be more of a philosophy, or a Way of life. I use the term philosophy very lightly here, though. Communism is a beautiful political philosophy in theory, but in this day and age its practicality is almost impossible to attain, so what use do we have for it? I believe that Taoism is practical, however. And I have seen evidence of this in my everyday life.

The most important concept of Taoism that has influenced my behavior and lifestyle is what the Seaward textbook refers to as "the Principle of Oneness" (Pg. 164). I prefer not to break down the ideas of Taoism into different, specific themes, but for some reason (perhaps irony, given that the first principle is about oneness) Seaward decided to list four separate "principles" of Taoism. However, this idea of oneness has been incredibly uplifting towards my outlook on life. Realizing that I am a very small part of an incredibly vast world and universe really puts things in perspective for me. In Christianity, it is all about the self. God loves you. God wants you to go to Heaven. You are a sinner, you must repent. There is so much importance placed on the individual, we forget about the bigger picture. We are a very insignificant part of a beautiful world and an expanding universe. There is so much out there to marvel at and appreciate, and we are part of it just as much as it is part of us. Things are far more interconnected than we like to think they are. The things we do affect our environment, our fellow man, and the variety of animals and plants that inhabit this planet as well. When we realize that we are all one, it seems absolutely ludicrous to think that an omnipotent God could possibly care with whom or when we have sex, or what kind of language we use. These are trivial things that modern religious people have put an unbelievable amount of emphasis on. We are all one; and the more that you scold your fellow man or harm our environment, the more you are also hurting yourself. The moment one realizes this, life becomes instantaneously simple. I truly realized this not too long ago, and the level of stress in my life has been quite low ever since. I would like to summarize this concept with chapter seven from the Tao Te Ching:

"Look up, look down, look around; it has always been here

Look up, look down, look around; it will always be here

Infinite duration outlasting ordinary space and time

The universe that you perceive has always been here

And will be here after you are no longer here to perceive it

Because it gave birth to you and not the contrary to which you cling

Rather than being one step ahead

And asleep towards up and coming possibilities

The sound traveler stays two steps back

And remains awake to all that is possible

If you look on yourself as an accident in space and time

Then you will always be present in space and time

It is as simple as finding yourself by not looking

This is a thought form for thinking into"

 

Another important idea rooted in Taoism is what Seaward calls "the Principle of Harmonious Action" (Pg. 165). To achieve true inner peace, one must be in harmony with one's surroundings. From the people we interact with to the technology that we use, harmony is essential to our daily functioning. A disharmonious workplace or home is not an enjoyable place to be. But when one can embrace the concept of wu wei, harmony is easily attained. Seaward defines wu wei as "knowing when to wait for the right moment, and knowing when to be spontaneous, moving with the rhythms of life" (Pg. 165). This is a suitable definition, but he leaves out a critical component. Most simple translations show wu wei as meaning "nonaction." It is a state of "nondoing." The Tao Te Ching says that we can replicate this state if we contemplate the activity of water. It always stays as close as possible to this earth from which it came. Water always flows around its obstacles. Water can erode great mountains or create valleys between them. It does all this without exerting any effort. That is the primal state of nondoing. The water goes where it needs to go without actively going there. Water simply flows down the stream, and it goes wherever it goes. There is no set destination. No rivers are straight from one point to another. Water simply goes where the path takes them. That is true harmony. Water can react to any obstacle and flow around it. If necessary, water can push through it with time. To be harmonious, we must be able to react to our obstacles. Find a way around them, or push through them. We must flow along with the sands of time on our journey. I do my best to keep this in mind in my daily life. At work, I deal with problematic situations with fluidity and resolve. The same goes with school and interpersonal relationships. In these types of situations, I have my destination and must simply find a way to get there. It is then that I become like water and flow around the rocks to arrive at where I must be. The great rivers always find their way to the ocean.

I could go on and on writing about my spiritual beliefs and worldview. I could sit here and type for the rest of my life trying to show you in words what the Tao really is. But the truth is, I don't even know. If you read only the first chapter of the Tao Te Ching then you will know that when it comes to the Tao, the real truth, all words are futile. "It is playful to approach something that is logically unknowable", says the Tao Te Ching. We cannot know the Tao, so how can I talk to you about it? The Tao can only be felt. One must empty the mind and heart, and only then will you have made room for the Tao to flow into you. All of these irrational thoughts and emotions that we experience are obstacles that prevent the Tao to flow into us. So it does not make much sense for me to continue wasting my time on words attempting to describe the Tao. I must go live it. But I will end with one last quote from the Tao Te Ching, Chapter One:

"The tao source of life that we often talk about is beyond the power of words and labels to define or enclose

While it is true that we employ words and labels to outline our experience

They are not absolute and cannot define the absolute

When it all began there were no words or labels

These things were created out of the union of perception and perception

Whether a person who is awake in play sees the heart of life or its surface manifestations is hardly important because they are exactly the same point in space and time

The words and labels that we use make us think that they are different but only so we can talk about it from the outside of ourselves in regard to the outside of the point in space and time

If you feel as thought you really need a name then call it the wonderwork and watch one miracle talk to another in a language that you can feel but not understand

It is playful to approach something that is logically unknowable"

So I haven't done a blog in forever. It follows that I haven't been getting blog comments either, since nobody comments on old blogs that they've already read. But a new person happened to come across my blog not too long ago. It was my blog about the morality-God connection. This is what he had to say:

"if you do not think god is real why do you have so much satanic stuff on your my space?
1 no other gods
2 no other image
3 no blasphemy
4 keep sabbath holy
5 honor dad and mom
6 no murder
7 no stealing
8 no adultery
9 no false witness (lying)
10 do not covet
i hope these will awaken something within you"

Ummmmm WOW. First, I didn't realize you had to believe in God to be Satanic. It's kinda the opposite, actually. The Church of Satan does not necessarily believe in God or Satan. Second, what kind of absolutely inherently immoral person do you have to be to have an "awakening" upon reading a poorly assembled list of common sense commandments? Do I not come across as a decently well-informed person, especially when it comes to religious and ethical matters? I was almost insulted by this post. I don't need "God's commandments" to know what is right and what is wrong, we're all rational human beings with progressive minds (or at least most of us should be) and that is for us to decide. What kind of person takes advice from people who lived several thousand years ago purely on the basis that they insist on their correctness in their own writing? And what kind of awakening am I supposed to get from this? The first four commandments seem to be doing nothing more than appealing to God's vanity, jealousy, and selfishness. That's not exactly the kind of image I like to see in my vision of the "creator of the universe". Number five is just ridiculous. Don't honor people because they had sex and you came out, honor them because they raised you properly and did their best. Douchebag parents don't deserve respect or honor. Quite the opposite, actually. Numbers 6, 7, and 9, however, are actually valid moral standards by which everyone should abide. There are, of course, exceptions to each of these rules, as it goes with nearly every ethical dilemma. But they remain strong for the most part. However, I don't need an ancient book to know that these things cause problems for society and everyone in it. Number 8 is a little redundant, seeing as how the entire institution of marriage depends on this very detail. Number 10 is a little iffy. It depends on how far you take it. Coveting of other people's property and lives is often times a great source of motivation for people to do great things of their own. People see a rich doctor and become a live-saving doctor themselves in the future. People see a charitable humanitarian and admire him/her, and adopt some of his/her qualities. This can be taken the wrong way, though. So it's not always a good thing but not always a bad thing. So that about wraps up that clusterfuck of a moral agenda. Oh, and did I mention that the Bible provides us with two different sets of Ten Commandments, which leaves us with 12 commandments?

"1.    I, the Lord, am your God who brought you out of the land of Egypt, the house of bondage.
2.    You shall have no other gods before me.
3.    You shall not make yourself a graven image.
4.    You shall not take the name of the Lord your God in vain.
5.    Remember the Sabbath day and keep it holy.
6.    Honor your father and your mother.
7.   You shall not kill/murder.
8.   You shall not commit adultery.
9.   You shall not steal.
10. You shall not bear false witness against your neighbor.
11. You shall not covet your neighbor's wife.
12. You shall not covet your neighbor's goods."  *

You'd figure an omnipotent being would have hired a better editor before he published this work. And also, if you more closely analyze the language used in the listing of the commandments and other decrees made throughout the Bible, you being to get the feeling that they only meant that these rules should be applied to other Jews, which explains why it was also commanded throughout the Bible to murder homosexuals and torture "witches" and so on and so forth. It all makes sense when you realize God only wanted you to be nice to people of your faith. See? Your God really is a loving God.



* Quoted from page 237-238 of Religious Literacy: What Every American Needs to Know - and Doesn't by Stephen Prothero

The human mind. It's amazing when you really consider it. A cluster of excitable cells, working together so perfectly, so constantly, consistently. No matter what your view is on how such a marvelous feat of nature could have come about, there is no way to downplay it's uniqueness. It is thoughts like these that help me keep things in perspective when I think that my mind doesn't work correctly. I'm really lucky that it works, or even exists at all.

Have you ever noticed patterns in your behavior that you've been unaware of nearly your entire life? I have. Just recently, actually. I can't believe I had never noticed it before. It's painfully obvious, really. But I guess a year of working in the library provided the right amount of silence and solitude to allow me to put things in perspective. It reminds me of a Dane Cook skit from the Vicious Circle HBO Special. If you've seen it, then you'll know what I'm talking about. It's the part where he's talking about crying. There is this thing that we do, according to him, while crying that keeps the process going, basically. He says that during the crying session, after a while it'll start to feel kinda good, just to cry. So we'll start to think of things that make us even more sad, things that are totally unrelated to what we were originally crying about in the first place. And then we'll just use that to make ourselves cry even more. I noticed a pattern like that in my mental behavior, but in a slightly different context.

This became especially evident during long periods of shelving at work, generally in the mornings. For some reason, thanks to my fantastical brain, when I'm bored, I like to play out certain real-life scenarios in my head. I'll basically imagine what a situation that I am currently in could end up like. But the problem is I always make up the worst possible ending. For example, I'll envision a close friend of mine betraying me, and other things of that nature. And most of these things are entirely unwarranted, yet I still do it. I don't know what it is with me that compells me to do this. The worst part is that I'll begin to suspect these things to actually be happening in real life. And then I'll start to act weird around the people who were the major players in my imaginary daydream betrayal, even though they've done nothing at all wrong.

This presents huge problems for me in my social life. For one, I do this so often that I can almost no longer decipher when I am just being stupid and paranoid from when I am actually justified in my suspicions. So I take the safe way out and assume I'm always stupid and paranoid. When I realized this, I knew that I've been an insanely jealous person all this time. I just never really speak my mind about it, because I always assume I'm wrong, and usually am. And for two, this leads me to another problem: self-confidence. It wouldn't seem that I have much if I'm constantly second-guessing myself and always assuming that my opinion sucks. But that doesn't mean that those things aren't true. So I come to a bit of a crossroads. I have two options, as the old saying goes: "Stay quiet and be assumed a fool, or open your mouth and prove it."

So basically, my mind hates me. And everyone else, it seems. But the weird thing is that I can perceive these things happening, but I can't stop it. It's so strange. It's as if I have two entirely separate minds with opposite agendas in my one mind. It's kinda like in the movies, when the character has the angel on one shoulder and the devil on the other. The way I see it, as long as I keep my mouth shut, that means I must be listening to my angel. It doesn't seem that bad now.