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Tuesday, June 09, 2009 

Current mood:  tired
Category: Life
I would pay big, to have some crack me upside the head and put me out for a good few hours. I'm going on day three of a sleepless week, and the once amusing delerium has slowly but surely, taken it's toll on my patience. Something about being unable to fall asleep, unless I'm in the midst of something, has some serious quirks to it.

Ah well... Provided I can survive a few more hellish hours, I will be able to drug myself into sleeping and force the much needed rest on my apparently unwilling body. It just sucks that I can't do it in a normal fashion...
Not until the end of the week anyways.

*sigh*
Who knows? Maybe it will all go to hell, and I'll be forced to enjoy what little "free" time I have left doing copious amounts of drugs and going from paycheck to paycheck, without care or concern for anything else. God knows if I don't make it to where I need to be this Thursday, I'll be fucked anyways.

Uhm... Yeah. Kinda tired. Can't sleep though... In public.
Fuck...

-mE
Currently listening:
BoA
By BoA
Release date: 2009-03-17
2:11 PM 
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Monday, May 18, 2009 

Current mood:  ashamed
Category: Life
Four thirty A.M, I'm awake again
Singing to the dark through open eyes
While dreaming I see only you and me
Stuck between desire and compromise

If I said I want you back I'd be a liar
There's nothing left of us to long for anymore
But inside the ashes burns an endless fire
And every night I can't help reaching out for more

And I can't sleep... You're so far away from me
And I can't sleep... And I can't sleep
And I can't sleep... You're so far away from me
And I can't sleep... And I can't sleep

You're leaving these scars scattered round my heart
A road map of all the places you have been
but I can't escape, can't wash this away
when love has burned your mark so deep within

If I said I want you back I'd be a liar
There's nothing left of us to long for anymore
But inside the ashes burns an endless fire
And every night I can't help reaching out for more

And I can't sleep... You're so far away from me
And I can't sleep... And I can't sleep
And I can't sleep... You're so far away from me
And I can't sleep... And I can't sleep

And I can't sleep... You're so far away from me
And I can't sleep... And I can't sleep
And I can't sleep... You're so far away from me
And I can't sleep... And I can't sleep
Currently listening:
Tri-State
By Above & Beyond
Release date: 2006-04-18
4:21 PM 
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Wednesday, April 29, 2009 

Current mood:  optimistic
Category: Life
A wise man once told me...
"No fire can burn on hope alone."

And I realise how true these words really are.

It is time to ignite the fire within my soul... That devestating, destructive force that has carved it's way through my life, and the lives of so many others. It's time to let loose that force, and reclaim what is rightfully mine.

This time though, I know what there is to lose should I fail to keep the blaze in check.
I'm going to fight again, and I am going to win.

-mE
12:38 AM 
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Tuesday, March 31, 2009 

Current mood:  ashamed
Category: Life
As a protector...
As a friend...
As a lover...
As a fighter...
As a vet tech...
As a student of medicine...
As a son...
As a godfather...
As a husband...
As a boyfriend...
As a soldier...
As a brother...
As a cousin...
As a raver...
As a romantic...
As a writer...
As a scholar...
As a philosopher...
As a performer...
As a musician...
As a seeker...

As me...

God help me.

-mE


Currently listening:
The Moment
By Framing Hanley
Release date: 2008-11-18
3:09 AM 
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Saturday, March 28, 2009 

Current mood:  sick
Category: Life
Fuck the lot of it.
Seriously.

People I thought were my friends are not.
Situations I thought were under my control were not.
And every ounce of hope I had has been completely destroyed.

I'm fucking over this shit.
I can't take it anymore.
I'm only human.
I'm only FUCKING human.

-mE


Currently listening:
This Binary Universe
By BT
Release date: 2006-08-29
1:18 AM 
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Thursday, March 26, 2009 

Category: Life
GOD I'm so thrashed...

Work has gotten progressively more draining since the end of the flea market. The only good news is that Ansley shall be down for the Ultra weekend. With some luck I will be able to chill with her and get a few days away from the monotony.

Home life still sucks... My mom is a complete loon.
But it been that way since I was a young'n.

I've been talkin to my friend Sam quite a bit lately. He lives in Australia, and we've been good mates for going on nine years now. He's actually one of the first online buds I made and kept. He's completely insane, but in that good way that makes you smile. It's nice to talk to someone who's life is potentially more fucked up than mine, so the conversations go on into the wee hours.

On that note, sleep has been in rather short supply. lol

Aside from that, not much else to report. I am going to have to postpone school sadly. I owe the lawyers too much money to have that and school as an option right now. Guess I gotta wait till July. Good news is, I'll still be done before 2010. I'm really looking forward to intensive classes and of course the overnights doing my stand-ins at the emergency rooms. <---- Sincerity

And if you haven't read my bulletin, I'll say it again. Sorry for sounding so emo lately. It's just been a rough month.

Meh...

-mE


Currently listening:
Boys Like Girls
Release date: 2007-04-03
1:33 AM 
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Friday, March 20, 2009 

Current mood:  calm
Category: Life
Just a quick update for everyone... I'm not going to be all elaborate like I usually am with these blogs, I'm really shot to hell. Work has been a raging bitch lately.

On the legal front, all is actually well. I managed to retain the services of an AWESOME law firm who are dealing with my case remotely. Meaning no trip to Orlando! (^_^) I'm quite thrilled about it too. They're gonna handle everything from the big charges to the little civil charges too. With some luck I may even be able to keep my license. (^_^) If you're ever in need of EXCELLENT representation for a good price, I HIGHLY recommend Ms. Lindsey Gergley Esquire with the Umansky Law Group.

Work... Sucks. That's about it.

My social life is non existent. Anyone I really care about down here is either too busy to hang out, has moved away, or has issues that make it hard to hang out with them.
It really fucking sucks. I feel more alone now than I ever have.

Oh yeah... And life back at home?
I want to shoot myself. It's been a neverending parade of alcohol, accusations, and of course the inability to leave at will makes it even more fun to deal with. (-_-)

Oh the plus side, I have been able to sleep. It makes it easier dealing with all the shit during the waking hours, to be able to sleep and feel rested. Although... Being in this big bed again... Just makes me wish there was someone in it with me.

Yeah... And about THAT... It's still harder and harder every day, when each thought that comes into my head about it, is like a knife in my chest. I knew that it would be hard, but I never in a million years thought it would be like this.
Now I know WHY I should just lay off relationships altogether.
Meh.

So that's about it.
Have a good night all.

-mE


Currently listening:
The Best of Depeche Mode, Vol. 1
By Depeche Mode
Release date: 2006-11-14
2:18 AM 
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Monday, March 16, 2009 

Current mood:  amused
Category: Life
Awkward night tonight... I went out with someone I haven't seen in a very long time. An old ex, (if you can call him that) sent me an IM outta the blue and wanted to go out and grab something to eat. I was pretty bored, so I agreed. I really wasn't thinking about the past or the way things ended between us, because I truthfully didn't give a damn. I mean, letting something so petty overtake you to the point where you can't even be civil? That's not how I roll. (If not BLATANTLY evident from recent goings-on in my social life.)

In any case, I was rather apathetic to the whole thing.
It was however, quite amusing how desirable I still am after all this time. Ex's, friends, old co-workers, people that just met me... They all seem to see something in my that I cannot pinpoint, that just makes me appealing.
I think it's great... How the one and ONLY thing I want is the one thing I can't have...
And here is every other opportunity in the world rearing it's head at me, practically BEGGING for me to exploit it. By now, I should have gotten about six people in bed. And that's just the ones that I KNOW! I'm not a whore or anything, but for some reason, they know to come back for more. (Or to try for what they've heard.) I just... I dunno. I don't get it at all. And I seriously question if I even WANT to.

I know that if I can't have what I want, then I'm better off ALONE. Compromising over something of this magnitude is HORRIBLY inadvisable. Hell, I learned that from my own parents who remain together simply because it's convenient. Noooo... I'm not gonna do that. I'm not gonna be that way. If it wasn't meant in this life it'll come in another...

And I'm pretty okay with that...
*smiles*

-mE


Currently listening:
One X
By Three Days Grace
Release date: 2006-06-13
5:19 AM 
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Sunday, March 15, 2009 

Current mood:  apathetic
Category: Life
I forgot how much I HATED Sundays down here...
I had figured with Ma at mass until whenever, that I would be able to sleep in a little bit and MAYBE get a good walk/run in this morning too.
Sadly, this was not the case.
I was awoken (as I have been the past three nights) by the dogs jumping into my bed. Now, how they manage to get INTO my room with the door closed and locked is BEYOND me, but nobody in the house seems to have a viable explanation. I will get to the bottom of this, if for no other reason then to spare myself from internal bleeding. (T_T)

So I woke up, took a shower, and as I left the bathroom got run over by the dogs.
Yeah... Not to thrilled about it either.

I got myself together, and was about to get out the door for a jog when who should pull up in the driveway? Oh yes! It's mother... Who is home from church a full HOUR earlier than normal. Wonderful... The bitch-fest begins.
I was quickly brought back to the house and commanded to do this-that-and the other and before I knew it, the sun was up and it was hotter than Hell in july. So that was the end of my chance for a walk until later this evening... Hopefully though I can use the treadmill for a few hours once Ma gets a bottle or two of wine into her.

It seems that doing some kind of exercise makes me too tired to want to argue with the woman... A good sign perhaps that I've found something a bit more substantial than booze to quell those internal (and external) demons in my life.

Hmm... We'll see.

I start school in a week, and I'm pretty excited about it. I've already gotten my uniforms and books for the first class set, and with some luck I'll have stopped smoking before we start PT. I'm honestly considering doing a fire rotation too... I guess it just depends on what I can handle. *shrugs*

Anywho... That's all for now. I'll update later as things progress.

-mE


Currently listening:
Resurrection
By PPK
Release date: 2002-08-27
2:43 PM 
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Wednesday, March 11, 2009 

Current mood:  happy
Category: Romance and Relationships

For all that you've been,
And all that you'll be.
For the times good and bad,
And what you've helped me see.
For temptation you've offered,
And the subsequent heat.
For the nights spent beside you,
For your heart and each beat.

Though I swore to keep sane,
And I begged for the strength.
I knew once I had known you,
That I'd go a great length.
The depths knew no bounds
And so farther I went,
Knowing not what would happen
With each second spent.

Soon the love was engulfed,
And the hatred took hold.
I knew feelings of anger,
And my heart grow so cold.
Soon the eyes I once treasured,
Became beacons of rage.
And the thoughts I once told you,
Writ in blood 'cross the page.
Then it came to pass,
That what was, was no more.
And in a moment of fury.
My heart fell to the floor.

That once burning flame,
Had been turned into ash.
And the winds lift them high,
To the sky they were cast.

So now as I lay,
With my body so cold.
I remember those moments,
When I had you to hold.
Now the memories pour forth,
Like the wine in my glass.
And I try to forget you.
So the suffering will pass.

Soon the aching does dull,
And my heart starts to beat.
And I realise soon.
That I'm back on my feet.
Your memory remains,
But the rage is now gone.
And I see myself smile.
As I look to the dawn.
Of a day where your face,
No longer brings pain.
And those feelings of love,
Pulse again through each vein.

Though I have no delusions,
I know it cannot be.
I can still hold you close,
And my mind clearly sees.
Though the fates played their hand,
And our time was too brief.
I know now what true love is,
And hold fast in belief.
In something much greater,
Than any one man.
How in such a short time...
One who couldn't... Suddenly can.

 




Currently listening:
The Moment
By Framing Hanley
Release date: 2008-11-18
1:45 AM 
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Tuesday, March 10, 2009 

Current mood:  complacent
Category: Life
...and as much as I wish it hadn't. I wouldn't change what was there, for the world.
I will remember it until the day I die... And so will my heart.
Each beat it takes is something of a relief.
Each passing moment feels like one stolen from my own hatered.

I was lost...
And I'm still lost...
But I feel so much better.

Thank you,

-S


Currently listening:
Just Be
By DJ Tiësto
Release date: 2004-06-01
12:11 PM 
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Saturday, March 07, 2009 

Current mood:  anxious
Category: Life
Today has not been a good day thusfar...
Apparently I was far more vocal and apneaic than normal last night, and managed to piss of everyone in the house with my snoring.
I suppose I can blame that on the copious amounts of alcohol imbibed last night...

Damn... That seems to be my excuse for everything lately.
I think I may well be on my way to a drinking problem. *sigh*

To be honest though... I don't feel like that would be a wholly bad thing. I mean, I have so much shit coming my way in the next few days, that death by alcohol poisoning or liver failure wouldn't be the absolute worst way to go.
Now this anxiety... This breath-stopping, paralyzing, and painful anxiety on the other hand, most definitely would be.
I spent the better part of the morning cleaning, and trying to stave off the waves of nausea and high blood pressure through busy work. Fucked up thing is, it's only served to make things MUCH worse. I realise exactly how much has to be done, and how I have little time in which to do it. I also realise what exactly is at stake and the worst-case outcomes that could come as a result of it. It's crippling me from the inside out...

I am fucking terrified...

I wish more than anything, that I could just fast forward to the day I leave Orlando and start over back in South Florida. The wait is what drives me crazy.
Whatever consequences come to me, I wish they would come right now, so I can get it over with. I want to breathe again, wherever that may be. I want to stop being so scared and uncertain and just start to live again.

...

-mE


Currently listening:
If I Should Fall from Grace with God
By The Pogues
Release date: 2006-09-19
5:55 PM 
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Saturday, March 07, 2009 

Current mood:  luminous
Category: Life
From the depths of my soul... And the depths of my childhood.
This song is for you...

Moody Blues - I Know You're Out There Somewhere
I know youre out there somewhere
Somewhere, somewhere
I know Ill find you somehow
Somehow, somehow
And somehow Ill return again to you

The mist is lifting slowly
I can see the way ahead
And Ive left behind the empty streets
That once inspired my life
And the strength of the emotion
Is like thunder in the air
cos the promise that we made each other
Haunts me to the end

I know youre out there somewhere
Somewhere, somewhere
I know youre out there somewhere
Somewhere you can hear my voice
I know Ill find you somehow
Somehow, somehow
I know Ill find you somehow
And somehow Ill return again to you

The secret of your beauty
And the mystery of your soul
Ive been searching for in everyone I meet
And the times Ive been mistaken
Its impossible to say
And the grass is growing
Underneath our feet

I know youre out there somewhere
Somewhere, somewhere
I know youre out there somewhere
Somewhere you can hear my voice
I know Ill find you somehow
Somehow, somehow
I know Ill find you somehow
And somehow Ill return again to you

From the words that I remember
From my childhood still are true
That theres none so blind
As those who will not see
And to those who lack the courage
And say its dangerous to try
Well they just dont know
That love eternal will not be denied

I know youre out there somewhere
Somewhere, somewhere
I know youre out there somewhere
Somewhere you can hear my voice
I know Ill find you somehow
Somehow, somehow
I know Ill find you somehow
And somehow Ill return again to you

Yes I know its going to happen
I can feel you getting near
And soon well be returning
To the fountain of our youth
And if you wake up wondering
In the darkness Ill be there
My arms will close around you
And protect you with the truth

I know youre out there somewhere
Somewhere, somewhere
I know youre out there somewhere
Somewhere you can hear my voice
I know Ill find you somehow
Somehow, somehow
I know Ill find you somehow
And somehow Ill return again to you


Currently listening:
The Best of the Moody Blues
By The Moody Blues
Release date: 1997-01-28
5:42 AM 
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Saturday, March 07, 2009 

Current mood:  focused
Category: Life
This is to you... Who I have yet to know...
I know you are out there somewhere...
I know you exist... And will rise alongside me one day to be my ally, friend, and partner...

Gods bless you...

OCEANLAB: SKY FALLS DOWN
You know when you feel it

You know when it hits you

There's no mistake when you fall

You don't anticipate it

You can calculate it

It just comes crashing through your walls


I'll love you 'til the sky falls down

I'll love you 'til I can't feel anything,

Not anything at all

Even when you're not around

I'll love you 'til the sky falls down

I'm flying 'til I hit the ground

And lying there and I don't feel anything

Not anything at all

And even when you're not around

I'll love you til the sky falls down


You lose all sense of reason

You have no sense of danger

It's like you're living in a dream.

It lets you float through crowds and

Makes you smile at strangers

It's just the greatest state of being, Oohh...


I'll love you 'til the sky falls down

I'll love you 'til I can't feel anything,

Not anything at all

Even when you're not around

I'll love you 'til the sky falls down

I'm flying 'til I hit the ground

And lying there and I don't feel anything

Not anything at all

And even when you're not around

I'll love you til the sky falls down.




Currently listening:
Sirens of the Sea
By OceanLab
Release date: 2008-08-05
5:36 AM 
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Saturday, March 07, 2009 

Current mood:  curious
Category: Life
I know you are out there... I know you will someday know I exist...
You're half a world away... But in my mind I whisper every single world you say.
And before you sleep at night.
You pray to me your lucky star your singing satellite.

May you sleep in peace. May you know the peace I am unaware of.
You beautiful soul.

I miss you... My seperated entity... My unknown ally...
Be at peace...

-S


Currently listening:
Sirens of the Sea
By OceanLab
Release date: 2008-08-05
5:31 AM 
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Last Updated: 11/21/2009

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Gender: Male
Status: In a Relationship
Age: 25
Sign: Aries

City: Melbourne
State: Florida
Country: US
Signup Date: 3/9/2005

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